Tomahawk'd Part 20

"I don't want to talk about this night again, Erin. Ever."

"Okay, Dad. I promise." He leaned over and kissed her cheek and went to bed, leaving her alone with too many thoughts to process.

She walked slowly to her room and closed the door. Flopping down on her mattress, she put her hands behind her head and stared at the ceiling. Images of Jackson floated through her mind like a warm, exotic hallucination. Their a.s.signation felt like a dream. Images of how her mother would react to their pairing came into view, causing her stomach to churn. All the small details of her mother's verbal abuse were cras.h.i.+ng down on her-the nasty comments, the brutal deconstruction of Jackson and her aunt, and the irrational behavior in the shower. The vivid recollections distressed her immensely. Would her mother ever accept their relations.h.i.+p? Would she ever accept Jackson as part of their family? Would she be able to say her name without the venom that dripped with each syllable?

Erin rolled on her side, not knowing what to do. I finally follow my heart only to have her put up a blockade the size of the Great Wall. Do I possibly blast through to the other side, or do I just sit here afraid of what she'll do to our family? Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over down her face. She knew that whatever she decided, the results would stay with her forever.

The morning suns.h.i.+ne was cruel to Erin's unrested eyes. She'd packed her bags and loaded them in the car before her parents were up. Checkout time was nine o'clock and it was coming far too fast. Her parents woke to find her sitting at the table, staring out the window in deep thought.

"Good morning, Peanut." Her father smiled at her. Seeing her eyes, he knew she'd had a very sleepless night.

"I'm gonna go find Jack and say goodbye, okay?" she said, knowing he wouldn't understand the impact of those words.

"Okay. Your stuff all ready to go?"

"It's in the car already, so I'll be ready when you are."

He leaned to kiss her cheek as she stood. "Tell Jack goodbye for me."

"I will." She didn't even acknowledge her mother's presence.

With a heavy heart, Erin left the cottage in search of the one person in her life who made sense to her in every way. She found her giving a small child an inner tube from the boathouse.

When Jackson's eyes met Erin's, she instantly knew something was wrong. "Hawk, what is it?"

Erin shook her head. "Not here." She motioned to the loft. "Can we go up?" With a nod of her head, Jackson led the way.

Up in the loft, Jackson's stance was tense as she waited anxiously for Erin's news. Erin's back was to her but she could tell she was crying. "Hawk, honey..." She touched her shoulder, and Erin recoiled at the contact. Jackson immediately pulled back.

Erin turned around, tears falling freely down her face. "I can't..." She took a deep breath and started again. "I can't see you anymore, Jack."

Jackson's eyes went wide with confusion and hurt. "What? What are you talking about? Did I do something?"

"My mother knows about us. She came up here last night while we were making love," she lied.

Jackson's mouth shaped into an O. She realized there was no way she would've heard anyone while she was making love to Erin. She was so focused she was oblivious to anything else.

"I'm not strong enough to handle her, Jack. I'm just not," she cried. "Not even my father can control her anymore. I can't do this to him."

Jackson's face fell. As she realized Erin was trying to make peace between her parents for her father's sake, any hope she had of changing Erin's mind was gone.

"She'd never accept us as a couple. h.e.l.l, she doesn't even want me to be friends with you." Erin's voice was nasal, filled with emotion and tears.

"Hawk, you're almost twenty years old. Can't you just move out or...I don't know-get away from her somehow?" Jackson was becoming more desperate with each second that pa.s.sed.

"Jack, you know I can't. She'd make my dad stop paying for school. She'd damage my relations.h.i.+p with him. I can't do that to him. I just can't."

She was sobbing, each tear shattering Jackson's heart into a million pieces.

Jackson opened her arms and Erin instantly fell into the offer of comfort. She wept harder than she knew possible, her sobs choking the breath from her. Erin knew she needed to leave Jackson, but it was killing her to even think about moving. With strength she didn't know she had, she kissed Jackson with everything she could possibly give to her to show her the love in her heart.

Jackson kissed her back, a kiss filled with pain and sadness. They pulled apart and Jackson's strained voice asked, "Can I call you at least?"

Erin shook her head almost violently. "No. You can't. Please don't call or write to me anymore, Jack. It'll be too hard."

With those final words, Erin fled down the ladder, out of the boathouse and out of Jackson's life. Heart shattered, Jackson blindly climbed down the rungs of the ladder. She watched as Erin reached the car. She could see her crying, but was helpless to stop her tears. Her own tears would come later.

Katie came out just as Erin flew past her, tears streaming down her face. A brief look of confusion flashed over her face, until she saw Jackson staring numbly at Erin, now seated in the car. With a sneer of victory, she walked over to Jackson.

Only just resisting the urge to slap the woman, Jackson's anger spilled into her voice. "Well, I guess you finally got what you wanted."

"Yes, I did."

"Have you asked yourself if Erin is getting what she wants?"

"She doesn't know what she wants," her mother spat maliciously.

"She is almost twenty years old, isn't it for her to decide?"

"She's too young to make decisions like that"

Jackson shoved down the swelling need to rant. "I'd have to disagree with you there."

"Well, I guess it's good that your vote doesn't count then."

"To Erin it does."

"Like I said, you don't count anymore. Do us all a favor, Jackson, and stay away from my family." The implied threat was not an empty one.

"You know this isn't over. One day Erin is gonna get tired of your bulls.h.i.+t and then where will that leave you?"

"We'll just have to see. Right now, I have my daughter attending a prestigious art school and soon she'll be finding a wonderful man to share her life with. I'd say that leaves me pretty happy."

"I'd say delusional, but you say tomato..."

"Goodbye, Jackson." Erin's mother turned toward the car.

"See you later, Katie."

Jackson's arms were folded over her chest, almost as if she felt she could hold the rage and hurt inside. As the car pulled out of the lot, a part of her died, and she wasn't at all sure that she would ever feel alive again.

Chapter Thirteen.

2002 The NorthwoodsIslandCity They sat on the roof overlooking the water, their legs dangling off the side. Jackson's head was spinning with everything Erin had just told her about what had really happened that last night and the following morning. "So, it was your father who saw us and not your mom?" she said.

"Yeah."

"Why did you tell me it was your mother then? I don't get it."

"Because if I had told you it was my decision to leave you, it would've hurt you so much more, Jack," she explained sadly. "My mother was the one ultimately to blame for it, so I just said it was her. I didn't want you to think badly of my father. I knew how much you liked him. You can imagine it was quite a shock for him to see us that way."

"I had no idea your father would be against us being together." Jackson's voice conveyed the hurt she felt.

"He wasn't."

Jackson looked at Erin, confusion plain in her eyes. "Then why didn't you stay with me?" She couldn't keep the pain inside. The tears of anguish rolled down her cheeks and she swiped them away angrily.

"When I told you I wasn't strong enough to deal with my mother, that was true. She was really crazy at that point and neither of us could handle her."

"I can't believe he stayed with her as long as he did. He was too good a man."

Erin's head dropped. "Yeah, he was. This wasn't his fault, Jack, I promise you. Please don't feel resentful about him."

"Erin, you're telling me that it was him who made you decide against us, so he wouldn't have to deal with Katie."

"That's partially true. I guess a part of me was crying out because I wanted my mother to love me unconditionally." She shook her head at the futility. "She was a nightmare even after we left, so that idea was quickly quashed."

Jackson was tired of the evasions. "What is the whole truth then?"

Erin's eyes sparkled with tears. "The fact of the matter was, that night my dad already knew he was sick. His doctor called after we got back from Bosaki's but he didn't tell us until we got home. He didn't even tell my mom, Jack. He knew he was dying, and he could've left her to live out his days with me at his side, but he loved her and wanted to live out his time with her!" Erin's voice rose with emotion. "When he told me that, I knew I had made the right decision. He and Mom never could've stayed together if I had continued to see you. It was already ugly; it would've gotten worse."

Jackson absorbed the information, unsure how to feel. She knew it hadn't been an easy decision for Erin. It was too far-reaching a decision for a nineteen-year-old to take on herself. Erin was impulsive, that she knew. Her trip back home when she'd found out about Jackson's s.e.xuality and then the return trip to the Northwoods were one example. Even though her heart was in the right place, Erin tended to act on emotion, not always thinking things through.

Erin spoke quietly. "You know, even on his deathbed, Dad thought of you."

"What do you mean?"

January 1997 Joe lay on his bed, waiting for Death to take him. His body had become unrelentingly weak and he had long since accepted that the cancer would get the better of him. For seventeen months, a horrible guilt had haunted him. Erin had chosen to make his life better instead of following her heart. It was a decision he hated on her behalf. He knew he needed to talk to her about that life-altering day in the Northwoods. It couldn't be put off any longer.

When Erin came for her morning visit, he asked her to close the door. She did as he asked, then sat down in the chair next to his bed, taking his frail hand in hers. "What is it, Dad? Do you want me to read to you again?"

"No, Peanut. I need to talk to you about what happened with Jackson."

Erin's face fell and her heart began to race. "What about Jack?"

"I never should've put you in that position."

"Dad, it was my..."

"No, it wasn't, and you know it." He stared into her eyes. "Whether or not you realize it, I made that decision for you. I could've told you that I would've supported you had you chosen to stay with Jack. I could've told you that if it got bad, I would take you away from your mother. G.o.d, I could've said so much to help you..." Tears formed in his eyes.

"Dad, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that when I found out I was going to die, all I wanted was for my family to be with me for as long as I had left. G.o.d knows your mother and I have had a few rows over the years, but I do love her. We wouldn't have stayed together if you had chosen Jack. I knew when I saw you two that day that it would break up our family. I was selfish. I wanted us together, even though I knew you were hurting, and for that I will never forgive myself. I didn't want my last days to be filled with fights with your mother, or between your mother and you." Tears streamed down his cheeks and Erin cried with him. "G.o.d help me, I didn't want my last days to be miserable." He grasped Erin's hand. "I know you felt like the one who wasn't strong, but it was me. I am so sorry, Peanut, for being such a weak man."

Erin laid her head on his chest. "Oh, Dad, please don't do this to yourself, please. I don't think you were weak at all. You always stuck up for me." She cried on his chest. "I don't blame you for wanting your family around you when you were sick. Who wouldn't want that?"

He lifted her head as best he could to look into her eyes. "Can you forgive me?"

Their watery eyes met. "There is nothing to forgive, Dad. I would've done the same thing to keep my family together." I did do that. She hugged him as tightly as she dared. "But if you need me to say it, I swear, I forgive you."

"Thank you, Peanut. I love you so much." They held tightly to one another.

"I love you too, Daddy."

"He died that night," Erin said, her voice filled with emotion. She looked at Jackson, who had tears streaming down her face. "He just wanted us around him until he died." She looked out over the water. "If...If I had to make that terrible decision today, I would do the same."

Jackson nodded, knowing that it must have been an awful time for them all. She knew how much Joe's family meant to him; she could see it in his amazing ability to love Katie despite everything that had transpired.

"I know I hurt you, Jack. G.o.d knows I have lived with that knowledge every d.a.m.n day, and every day I was achingly sorry for breaking your heart." She breathed heavily. "But I also know that my heart died the day I left you. h.e.l.l, my own husband picked up on that and had to go off to find love in another woman's bed. Now he's gonna be a daddy." She laughed mirthlessly.

Ouch. "But your mother said you were happy with him."

"I'm sure she also told you I was having a grandchild for her, too," Erin guessed.

Jackson nodded. "I guess I should've learned my lesson with Katie long ago and automatically figured anything she said about you would be a lie."

"You must have contacted her right before she called me, because she was drilling into me about how awful I was for going against the Church and why wouldn't I fight for my marriage." She tucked an errant strand of hair behind one of Jackson's ears. "Seven years later she is still threatened by the thought of you in my life."

One thing had stuck in Jackson's mind. "Going against the Church? You're divorcing him?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah. It's almost finalized. My soon-to-be-ex-husband wouldn't agree to me keeping the house and that's all I wanted out of this divorce. When I told him that he'd have more than the house to give me if he contested, he changed his tune."

"I'm sure. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Hawk. Seriously, I am."

She squeezed Jackson's knee. "Thanks. There was nothing wrong with him. He was a lovely man until this, kind and giving. It was just me not being able to love him like I should have. No one should have to live in a loveless marriage. I can't say that I blame him for stepping out, I just wish he would've told me he was unhappy." She shrugged, wiping the tears from her face.

"Where did you meet him?"

"He came to one of my art shows. His name is Jeremy, if you wanted to know," Erin added unnecessarily as Jackson knew his name all too well. Jackson nodded for her to continue. "Anyway, he was gregarious and sweet, and I liked him instantly. 'Like' being the keyword there, unfortunately. I think when we were married I did love him, but it was the kind of love you have for puppies, or something like that. You know-loving their personalities and wanting to care for them." She laughed at herself. "I wasn't in love with him, though, but I guess I wanted to marry him before my dad died, and I'm sure you can guess that my mother was over the moon."

"I'm sure," Jackson said with a roll of her eyes.

"But five years is a long time to be with someone who doesn't return your affections. We should've split before his infidelity, that's for certain. It would've made the parting better for us both. Well, for me for sure," she added with a wink.

Jackson put her arm around Erin. "Thank you for telling me what happened."

Erin leaned on Jackson so naturally. "I'm so sorry for breaking your heart, Jack."

Jackson held her tighter. "I know, Hawk. I forgive you," she whispered and turned to kiss the top of Erin's head.

They stayed that way for a few moments then Erin softly said, "Jack, after you and I made love that night, I...I felt alive for the first time, I mean, really alive."