Never Never: Part Three Part 4

He shakes his head. aNothing. It was a good thought, thatas all.a I hug my knees and stare at the carpet. Why was it that when he complimented me my entire body went into overdrive? Surely his opinions couldnat matter that much to Charlie. To me. Surely I would remember if they did. Whose opinions were really supposed to matter in life, anyway? Your parents? Mine were screwed up. Your boyfriendas? If you werenat dating a saint like Silas Nash, that could go very wrong. I think about what I would tell Janette if she were asking this question.

aTrust your gut,a I say out loud.

aWhat are you talking about?a Silas asks. Heas digging around in a box he found in his closet, but he leans back on his haunches to look at me.

aTrust your gut. Not your heart, because itas a people pleaser, and not your brain, because it relies too heavily on logic.a He nods slowly, never taking his eyes off of me. aCharlize, itas really s.e.xy when you get deep and say stuff like that. So unless you want to play another round of Silas Says, you might want to lay off the deep thinking.a I put down the t-s.h.i.+rt and stare at him. I think about today. I think about our kiss and how I would be a liar if I said I wasnat hoping he would kiss me like that again tonight. This time in private, without a dozen eyes on us. I reach down and tug at a piece of the carpet. I can feel my face grow warm.

aWhat if I do want to play another round of Silas says?a I ask.

aCharlieaa he starts, almost as if my name is a warning.

aWhat would Silas say?a He stands up and so do I. I watch him run a hand across the back of his neck, my heart pounding like itas trying to break free and run out of the room before Silas can get to it.

aAre you sure you want to play?a he asks, raking over me with his eyes.

I nod. Because why not? According to our letters, it wonat be the first time weave done this. And chances are, we probably wonat even remember it tomorrow. aIam positive,a I say, attempting to come off way more confident than I feel right now. aItas my favorite thing to do.a He suddenly looks firm, more planted in his own skin. Itas thrilling to watch.

aSilas saysatake off your s.h.i.+rt.a I raise my eyebrows, but do as Iam told, lifting the hem of my s.h.i.+rt over my head. I hear his intake of breath, but I canat seem to meet his eyes. The strap of my bra slips down my shoulder.

aSilas saysalower the other bra strap.a My hand shakes a little as I do. He takes a slow step toward me, staring down to where my arm is still crossed over my chest. His eyes flicker up to mine. His mouth turns up at the corner. He thinks Iam about to quit playing this game. I can tell.

aSilas saysaopen the clasp.a Itas a front clasp. I keep my eyes locked with his as I unlatch it. His Adamas apple bobs as I shrug off my bra and hold it on the tip of my finger. The cold air and his eyes make me want to turn away. His gaze follows my bra as it falls to the floor. When he makes eye contact with me again, heas smiling. But heas not. I donat know he does thata"looks so happy and so serious at the same time.

aSilas says come here.a Iam not able to turn away when he looks at me like that. I walk toward him, and when Iam near enough, he reaches for me. He puts his hand behind my head and threads his fingers through my hair.

aSilas saysa"a aShut up, Silas,a I interrupt. aJust kiss me.a His head dips and he catches my lips in a deep kiss that tilts my head up to meet him. He presses his mouth against mine in a soft kiss, once, twice, three times before parting my lips with his tongue. Kissing Silas feels rhythmic, like weave had more than just this afternoon to figure it out. His hand tightly gripping my hair at the scalp makes me weak in the knees. I am out of breath and my eyes are glazed.

Do I trust him?

I trust him.

aCharlie says take your s.h.i.+rt off,a I say against his mouth.

aThis game is called Silas says.a I run my hands up the warm flesh of his stomach. aNot anymore.a aCharlie Baby,a I whisper, sliding an arm over her. I press my lips against the curve of her shoulder. She rustles, then pulls the covers over her head. aCharlie, itas time to wake up.a She rolls over to face me but stays under the blanket. I lift it over my head until weare both covered. She opens her eyes and frowns. aYou smell good,a she says. aNo fair.a aI took a shower.a aAnd brushed your teeth?a I nod, and her brow furrows.

aThatas not fair. I want to brush my teeth.a I lift the covers from her head and she puts a hand over her eyes and groans. aThen hurry up and brush your teeth so you can come back and kiss me.a She crawls out of the bed and makes her way to the bathroom. I hear the sink begin to run, but thatas quickly drowned out by the noises that come from downstairs. Pots and pans clanking together, cabinet doors slamming. It sounds like someone is cleaning. I look at the clock and itas almost 9:00 a.m.

Two more hours.

My bathroom door opens and Charlie runs across the room and hops on the bed, quickly pulling the covers over herself. aItas cold out there,a she says, her lips quivering. I pull her to me and press my mouth to hers. aBetter,a she mumbles.

And this is what we do while I try my best to lose track of time. We make out.

aSilas,a she whispers as Iam working my way up her neck. aWhat time is it?a I reach over to the nightstand and look at my phone. aNine fifteen.a She sighs, and I know exactly what sheas thinking. Iam thinking it too.

aI donat want to forget this part,a she says, looking at me through eyes that look like two broken hearts.

aMe neither,a I whisper.

She kisses me again, softly. I can feel her heart racing through her chest, and I know it isnat because weare kissing under my covers. Itas because sheas scared. And I wish I could make it to where she isnat scared anymore, but I canat. I just pull her to me and hold her. I would hold her here forever, but I know there are things we need to be doing right now.

aWe can hope for the best, but I think we should prepare for the worst,a I tell her.

She nods against my chest. aI know. Five more minutes, okay? Letas just stay under the blanket for five more minutes and pretend weare in love like we used to be.a I sigh. aPretending isnat necessary for me at this point, Charlie.a She grins and presses her lips to my chest.

I give her fifteen minutes. Five isnat enough.

When our time is up, I crawl out of bed and pull her up. aWe need to eat breakfast. That way if 11:00 a.m. hits and we freak out again, itall be a few hours before we have to worry about food.a We get dressed and head downstairs. Ezra looks like sheas cleaning up breakfast when we walk into the kitchen. She sees Charlie rubbing sleep out of her eyes and she raises an eyebrow in my direction. She thinks Iam pus.h.i.+ng my luck having Charlie in this house.

aDonat worry, Ezra. Dad says Iam allowed to love her now.a Ezra returns my smile.

aYou two hungry?a she asks.

I nod. aYeah, but we can make our own food.a Ezra waves a hand in the air. aNonsense,a she says. aIall make your favorite.a aThanks, Ezra,a Charlie says with a smile. A mild look of surprise pa.s.ses over Ezraas face before she walks to the pantry.

aMy G.o.d,a Charlie says under her breath. aDo you think I really used to be that awful? That it was shocking to ever hear me say thank you?a About that time, my mother walks into the kitchen. She stops short when she sees Charlie. aDid you spend the night here?a My mother doesnat seem very pleased.

aNo.a I lie for Charlie. aI just picked her up this morning.a My motheras eyes narrow. I donat have to have memory of her to know sheas suspicious. aWhy arenat you two at school right now?a Weare both quiet for a moment, but then Charlie blurts out, aItas a flex day.a My mother nods without question. She walks to the pantry and begins speaking to Ezra.

aWhatas a flex day?a I whisper.

Charlie shrugs. aI have no idea, but it sounded good.a She laughs and then whispers, aWhatas your motheras name?a I open my mouth to respond, but I draw a complete blank. aI have no idea. Iam not sure I ever wrote it in any notes.a My mother peeks her head out of the pantry. aCharlie, will you be joining us for dinner tonight?a Charlie looks at me, and then at my mother. aYes, maaam. If I can remember.a I laugh and Charlie smiles, and for a split second, I forget what weare about to go through again.

I catch Charlie staring at the clock on the oven. I can see the worry, not only in her eyes, but in every single part of her. I grab her hand and squeeze it. aDonat think about that,a I whisper. aNot for another hour.a aI have no idea how anyone could possibly forget how magnificent this is,a Charlie says, taking the last bite of whatever it was that Ezra cooked for us. Some might call it breakfast, but food like this deserves its own category.

aWhat is this again?a Charlie asks Ezra.

aNutella French toast,a she responds.

Charlie writes Nutella French Toast down on a piece of paper and scribbles two hearts next to it. Then she adds a follow-up sentence that says, You hate crawfish, Charlie!!!

Before we leave the kitchen and head back to my room, Charlie walks over to Ezra and gives her a big hug. aThank you for breakfast, Ezra.a Ezra pauses a moment before hugging her back. aYouare welcome, Charlize.a aWill you make that for me next time Iam here for breakfast? No matter if I canat remember eating it today?a Ezra shrugs and says, aI guess.a As weare walking upstairs, Charlie randomly says, aYou know what? I think money is what made us mean.a aWhat are you talking about?a We reach my bedroom and I close the door behind us.

aIt just seems like maybe we were ungrateful. A little bit spoiled. Iam not sure our parents taught us how to be decent humans. So in a wayaIam grateful this happened to us.a I sit on the bed and pull her back against my chest. She rests her head on my shoulder and tilts her face up to mine. aI think you were always a little nicer than me. But I donat think either of us can be proud of who we were.a I give her a quick peck on the lips and lean my head back against the wall. aI think we were a product of our environment. Inherently, weare good people. We might lose our memories again, but weare still the same on the inside. Somewhere deep down, we want to do good. Be good. Deep down we love each other. A lot. And whatever this is thatas happening to us, itas not touching that.a She slides her fingers through mine and squeezes. We sit in silence for a little while. Every now and then Iall glance at my phone. We have about ten minutes left until 11:00 a.m., and I donat think either of us knows how to spend that time. Weave already written more notes than weall be able to comprehend in the next forty-eight hours.

All we can do is wait.

My heart is beating so hard, itas losing rhythm. My mouth is dry. I grab the bottle of water sitting on Silasas nightstand and down a big drink. aThis is terrifying,a I tell him. aI wish we could speed up the next five minutes and get this over with.a He sits up straighter on the bed and grabs my hand. aSit in front of me.a I sit in front of him. Weare both cross-legged on the bed, in the same position we were in at the hotel room two days ago. Thinking of that morning makes me ill. I donat want to acknowledge the possibility that in a few minutes, I might not know who he is.

I have to have faith this time. This canat go on forever. Can it?

I close my eyes and try to control my breathing. I feel Silasas hand reach up and brush the hair from my eyes.

aWhatas the one thing youare the most scared of forgetting?a he asks.

I open my eyes. aYou.a He brushes his thumb over my mouth and leans in to kiss me. aMe too. I love you, Charlie.a And without hesitation I say, aI love you, too, Silas.a When his lips meet mine, Iam no longer scared. Because I know that whatever happens in the next few secondsaitall happen with Silas, and that brings me comfort.

He threads our fingers together and says, aTen seconds.a We both inhale deep breaths. I can feel his hands shaking, but they arenat shaking nearly as badly as mine.

aFiveafourathreeatwoaa The only sound I hear is the thras.h.i.+ng of my heart. The rest of the world is chillingly silent.

My lips are still resting softly against hers. Our knees are touching, our eyes are closed, our breath is mingling between us as I wait to make my next move. I know for a fact that I didnat lose my memory this time. That makes twice in a rowabut I have no idea about Charlie.

I slowly open my eyes so that I can see whatas in hers. Her eyes remain closed. I watch her for a few seconds, waiting to see what her first reaction will be.

Will she remember me?

Will she have no idea where she is?

She begins to pull back, slowly, and her eyelids flutter open. Thereas a mixture of fear and shock in her expression. She pulls back a few more inches, studying my face. She turns her head and looks around the room.

When she glances back at me, my heart plummets down my chest like the drop of an anchor. She has no idea where she is.

aCharlie?a Her tear-rimmed eyes swing to mine and she quickly covers her mouth with her hand. I canat tell if sheas about to scream. I should have put a note on the door like we did last time.

She looks down at the bed and lowers her hand to her chest. aYou were wearing black,a she whispers.

Her gaze falls to the pillow next to me. She points at it. aWe were right there. You were wearing a black t-s.h.i.+rt, and I was laughing at you because I said it was too tight. I said it made you look like Simon Cowell. You pinned me to the mattress, and thenaa Her eyes meet mine. aAnd then you kissed me.a I nod, because somehowaI remember every single moment of that. aIt was our first kiss. We were fourteen,a I say. aBut I had been wanting to kiss you like that since we were twelve.a She slaps her hand over her mouth again. Sobs begin to rack her entire body. She lunges forward, wrapping her arms around my neck. I pull her down to the bed with me and everything comes rus.h.i.+ng back in waves.

aThe night you got caught sneaking in?a she says.

aYour mom went after me with a belt. Chased me right out of your bedroom window.a Charlie starts laughing between her tears. Iam holding her against me, my face pressed against her neck. I close my eyes and sort through all the memories. The good ones. The bad ones. All the nights she cried in my arms over the way things turned out between her mother and father.

aThe phone calls,a she says quietly. aEvery single night.a I know exactly what sheas talking about. I would call her every night and we would stay on the phone for an entire hour. When our memories left us, we couldnat figure out why we had talked for so long every night if our relations.h.i.+p was falling apart.

aJimmy Fallon,a I tell her. aWe both loved Jimmy Fallon. And I would call you every night when his show would come on, and we would watch it together.a aBut we never talked,a she says. aWe just watched the show together without speaking and then wead go straight to sleep.a aBecause I loved hearing you laugh.a Not only are the memories flooding me right now, but the feelings. All the feelings Iave ever had for this girl are unfolding, and for a second Iam not sure if I can take it all in.

We hold each other tight as we rake through a lifetime of memories. Several minutes pa.s.s as we both laugh at the good memories and then more minutes pa.s.s as we succ.u.mb to the not so good ones. The hurt our parentsa actions inflicted on us. The hurt weave caused each other. The hurt weave caused other people. Weare feeling every bit of it, all at once.

Charlie clenches my s.h.i.+rt in her fists and buries her face in my neck. aIt hurts, Silas,a she whispers. aI donat want to be that girl again. How can we make sure weare not the same people we were before this happened to us?a I run my hand over the back of her head. aBut we are those people,a I say to her. aWe canat take back who weave been in the past, Charlie. But we can control who we are in the present.a I lift her head from my shoulder and hold her face in my hands. aCharlie, you have to promise me something.a I wipe her tears away with my thumb. aPromise me you will never fall out of love with me again. Because I donat want to forget you all over again. I never want to forget a single second with you.a She shakes her head. aI swear. Iall never stop loving you, Silas. And Iall never forget.a I dip my head until my mouth meets hers. aNever Never.a The End Silas is bringing dinner home. I wait for him at the kitchen window while I pretend to wash vegetables for a salad. I like to pretend Iam was.h.i.+ng things at the sink just so I can see when he pulls into the driveway.

His car pulls in ten minutes later; my fingers are pruned from the water. I grab for a dishtowel, feeling those d.a.m.n b.u.t.terflies in my stomach. They never went away. From what Iave heard, thatas a rare thing after this many years of marriage.

The kids get out of the car first. Jessa, our daughter, and then her boyfriend, Harry. Normally my eyes would go to Silas next, but something makes me linger on Jessa and Harry.

Jessa is just like me: stubborn, mouthy, and aloof. Iad cry, but she mostly makes me laugh with her one-liners. I like Harry; theyave been together since freshman year and plan on going to the same college when they graduate next year. Theyare usually the epitome of teen love, all gla.s.sy eyed and touchy like Silas and I used to be. Still are. But today, Jessa stands off to the side of the driveway, her arms folded across her chest.

Harry gets out of the car too and goes to stand next to her. They must be fighting, I think. Jessa sometimes likes to flirt with the neighbor kid, and Harry gets upset.

Silas walks in a minute later. He grabs me from behind, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my neck.

aHey, Charlie Baby,a he says, breathing me in. I lean into him.

aWhatas up with those two?a I ask, still watching them out the window.

aI donat know. They were really weird on the ride home. Barely spoke.a aUh, oh,a I say. aMust be the hot neighbor boy again.a I hear the front door slam, and I call Jessa into the kitchen. aJessa, come here!a She wanders in, slowly, without Harry in tow.

aWhatas up?a I ask her. aYou look sh.e.l.l shocked.a aDo I?a she asks.

I look at Silas and he shrugs.

aWhereas Harry?a Jessa jabs a thumb over her shoulder. aHeas in there.a aOkay, well you two get ready for dinner. Weall eat as soon as the salad is done.a She nods, and I swear sheas going to start crying.

aHey, Jessa,a I say as she turns around to leave.

aYeah?a aI was thinking we could go to Miami for your birthday next month. Does that sound okay to you?a aYeah,a she says. aCool.a When sheas gone I turn to Silas, whose eyebrows are drawn together.

aI didnat know we were going to Miami,a he says. aI canat get time off for work that quick.a aSilas,a I say sharply. aHer birthday isnat for six more months.a The line between his eyes relaxes and his mouth opens. aOh, yeah,a he says. And then realization hits. aOh. Oh.a He brings a hand up to the back of his neck. as.h.i.+t, Charlie. Not again.a

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

THANK YOU TO OUR READERS. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO US.

TARRYN AND COLLEEN.

COLLEEN HOOVER.

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end.