The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook Part 45

'No, I mean hypothetically.'

'Okay. Hypothetically.'

'Well, if you really cared about her, you'd be devastated, so she'd have all the power.'

'Well, I did, I was, and so she obviously does.'

'Right,' says Dan. 'But suppose you didn't care that much. If she was trying to make you do something, why on earth would she try to achieve it by leaving you? The effect of her going would be so much less.'

'But why would I be with her in the first place if I didn't care that much?'

'You're missing the point.'

'Well, please tell me what the point is.'

'Jane left you to make you change, right?'

'I suppose.'

'The reason you've put yourself through all this is because she had the power. Her actions have made you make this change.'

'Right...'

'So suppose when she comes back, she sees you, and by some miracle decides she wants you back. What you need to do is remain indifferent.'

I look back at Dan, astonished. 'You're saying that when she finally comes home, and if I manage to achieve the one thing I've been working towards night and day for the last three months, what I should actually do is play it all cool rather than pick her up and carry her in through the front door, which is probably what I'll want to do?'

Dan nods. 'Of course. It's important to set a precedent. Lay down some ground rules. Otherwise what's she going to do? The first sign of trouble, you start straining at the old waistband again and she'll be off to Outer Mongolia, because she knows that's what gets results. If, on the other hand, you can manage to give her the impression that you've done this for you, rather than for her, well, the shoe will be in your court.'

'What?'

'All I'm trying to say is, don't let her think that she's won.'

'But she will have won. I'll know it, she'll know it. She left me with some specific instructions and if I pa.s.s muster...'

'But there's the thing. You have to make her think that it's not just you on test. You're now this slimmer, fitter, better-looking love-G.o.d...'

'With a cool car, don't forget.'

'...so how does she measure up to you? Does plain old Jane deserve the new Edward Middleton.'

'So you're saying that in three months I've managed to leap-frog her in the attractiveness stakes? That now it's her who's trying to play out of her league?'

Dan laughs. 'Don't be ridiculous. But you have to make her think that. Don't let her a.s.sume that now she's back she's going to have it all her own way. I mean-do you just want the old Jane back?'

'Er...yes. No. I don't know. Well, not like it was in the last year or so.'

'Well take her back on your terms then. Tell her that if she comes back now it's for good. Or even better, make her feel that now it's her turn to win you back. Maybe she's put on weight while she's been away, or got a funny hairstyle, or lost an arm or something. You never know, you might see Jane and not fancy her!'

'Well, if she's lost an arm...'

'Edward, all I'm saying is that she may well have changed while she's been away milking yaks and whatever else it is they do in Tibet. You certainly have. Do you really think the two of you will still want the same things. And by that, I mean each other?'

He's right. And I can't pretend that this hasn't occurred to me. I've been working away single-mindedly for the past three months with one aim and one aim only-to get Jane back. But what Jane is it exactly that I want back? The Jane I met and fell in love with back at college? Or the Jane who thought I was so disgusting that she flew halfway around the world to get away from me? I suddenly wish I was drinking something stronger.

'I just feel I owe it to her to give her a chance.'

Dan raises one eyebrow. 'Now it's you who's giving her a chance, eh? Not the other way round?'

'You know what I mean. It's just that we've been through so much together. So much history, you know.'

'There's a reason why history's called history.'

'Huh?'

'Because it's in the past. Gone. Finished. Make some new stuff. Maybe even with someone new.'

'Dan, I can't even think about that. Not till I know how Jane feels about me. Or, more importantly, how I feel about Jane.'

'Tell me something,' says Dan. 'Isn't there a part of you that resents her for treating you the way she did? That wants to tell her that she's made her bed and has to lie in it?'

I nod. 'Of course there is. But there's also a part of me that wants to lie in it with her.'

'Ah,' says Dan. 'But that's not the part that should be making decisions.'

'You can talk.'

Dan drains the last of his beer. 'You know what I do when I have to make a difficult choice? Like between two women, for example?' he adds, unusually perceptively for him.

'Toss for it?'

Dan laughs. 'No-what I actually do is get a piece of paper, divide it into two columns, then write down all the good points of one of them on one side, and then do the same for the other one on the other side.'

I'm a little surprised that Dan should take such a practical approach. I didn't know he had it in him.

'What do you do then?'

He grins. 'Simple. I go out with the one who's the best in bed.'

8.44 p.m.

Wendy appears at our table, dressed in a pair of tight black jeans and a T-s.h.i.+rt to match.

'You off to a funeral?' says Dan, looking her up and down.

Wendy smiles sarcastically back at him. 'Yours, hopefully,' she replies.

'Ignore him, Wendy. You look very nice.'

'Thanks, Edward,' she says. 'Anyway, Danny-boy. What are you doing here so late on a Friday night? Not managed to find some poor unfortunate girl to lure back to your sleazy bachelor pad?'

'It's not sleazy,' protests Dan. 'And it's certainly not a "bachelor pad", as you so charmingly call it.'

'What is it then?'

'It's a loft.'

Wendy laughs. 'A loft?' she says, picking up our empty gla.s.ses. 'Isn't that where most people store their junk?'

I follow her to the bar, and we look back over towards Dan, who's checking his hair in the reflection of his Oakley's.

'He doesn't mean any harm' I say. 'He's just a little...'

'r.e.t.a.r.ded?' suggests Wendy.

I smile. 'Could be. I was going to say "insensitive", but you're probably closer.'

'Why on earth do you hang around with him?'

'Dan's not all bad. He's a good friend. And he's taught me a valuable lesson these past few months.'

'Really?'

'Yes. How not to behave towards women.'

'I can't imagine it's much fun going out with him,' agrees Wendy. 'He'd make a lousy boyfriend.'

'So tell me-any last-minute tips as to what makes a good boyfriend?'

'Hmm.' Wendy puffs out her cheeks. 'That's a hard one.'

'Is that the first thing?'

'No, cheeky. But I'm the wrong person to ask, aren't I?'

'Why? You're a woman.'

'Thanks for noticing. But why don't you tell me what you think? After all, you're the expert now.'

'Well, I'd hardly call myself an expert. But I think I have worked out where I was going wrong. Or rather, where Jane and I were going wrong.'

'Oh yes?'

'Well, the way I see it is this. Women spend all this effort on their make-up and hair to make themselves look as good as they possibly can. They can waste hours deciding what to wear before even venturing out as far as the corner shop. In some cases they spend a fortune on jewellery, watches, handbags, shoes; all accessories to make themselves look better.'

'So, what's your point?'

'Why then blow all that time and effort by walking around with a big, untrendy lump of a man hanging off your arm?'

Wendy laughs. 'You may be right.'

'But most women don't need wa-hey. They just want okay. Imagine the insecurity if you went out with a too-good-looking man. All the time you're worrying that other women are looking at your partner, wondering what on earth he's doing with you, and thinking how they can steal him off you. And what's worse, if it's someone like Dan, you know that he'll be thinking exactly the same thing-here I am with so-and-so but I'll just keep an eye out because you never know, I might spot someone better, and if I do...I think that really good-looking guys usually know they're really good-looking guys, and therefore think they can get away with murder. Not-so-good-looking guys just have to work that little bit harder at the "rest" of it, and that's what makes them better boyfriend material. Someone like Dan, well, you probably worry that he'll spend more time in the bathroom getting ready than you will.'

'You know,' she says, 'I hadn't thought of it that way round. If that's the case, then you're saying I should feel sorry for Dan, as from his point of view, it's actually a pain to be really good-looking. You're always going to worry that the girl you're with is feeling insecure, unsettled...'

'Precisely. When you go out with someone, you want them to complement you, not compete with you. Imagine how you'd feel as a woman, typically the glamorous side of the relations.h.i.+p, if every time you went out with your boyfriend you felt that people were looking at him, not you? It's as you said to me a while ago: what women want is someone who thinks they're special. Not someone who knows that he's the special one. And that's the way it's supposed to be. Like at the Oscars.'

'The Oscars?'

'All the women appear in the most fas.h.i.+onable dresses, in the latest designs, and a mult.i.tude of colours, trying to outdo one another on the red carpet. The men? They all wear the same thing. Why? Because that's what's supposed to happen. It's the way the world works. Women look beautiful, men just look. And most women are aware of this. They know they can't just log on to "He-Bay" or go down to "Boys R Us" and choose a finished model off the shelf, so instead, they pick a basic one and gradually shape them, making improvements until they reach that ideal balance-you know how women like a project. But occasionally, there comes a time when they realize they might be working on a lost cause. And that's what Jane had begun to wonder. Whether I was a lost cause.'

'Why?'

'Because I'd stopped responding.'

Dan chooses that moment to catch my eye, and indicates the lack of beer in his hand. As I pick up the drinks from the bar, Wendy leans over and kisses me on the cheek.

'I hope you get what you want after all this, Edward.'

'Thanks,' I say, starting to head back towards where Dan's sitting.

'And if things don't work out tomorrow with Jane...'

'Yes?'

Wendy just smiles.

9.32 p.m.

Dan's a little bit p.i.s.sed by now. I, on the other hand, just need a p.i.s.s, especially after all this water. When I get back from the toilet, he decides to give me the benefit of some more of his alcohol-induced wisdom.

'So, there's this guy...'

'What guy?'

'Any guy. Let's call him Edward, for argument's sake, and he's walking along the street, and he finds a magic lamp.'

'Are you telling a joke?'

'And he picks the lamp up, and because it's dirty, he gives it a rub.'

'Not likely in Brighton, mate. More likely to be a used syringe or an empty beer bottle.'

'And out comes this genie.'

'You are telling a joke.'

'Just listen. And so the genie says, "You have freed me from my prison.'"