Happy Families Part 3

CORDELIA THINKS and sometimes says (above all to Leo, less to alvaro) that at first along with resignation there was affection, even a little respect, but as the arguments increased, she felt the temptation to hatred. She didn't want to embitter her life. She felt acidity rising from the pit of her stomach and became irritated with herself. Affection, respect, resignation were better for the spirit. But Leo you understand that a woman can feel herself at the crossroads (alvaro makes puns about the cross the fiction) because she didn't obtain the total love that only came (well) for a time. Now the blood flows in my veins like cold water and I ask myself, I ask my husband, why don't you leave if you hate me so much? why don't you go and live alone? and sometimes says (above all to Leo, less to alvaro) that at first along with resignation there was affection, even a little respect, but as the arguments increased, she felt the temptation to hatred. She didn't want to embitter her life. She felt acidity rising from the pit of her stomach and became irritated with herself. Affection, respect, resignation were better for the spirit. But Leo you understand that a woman can feel herself at the crossroads (alvaro makes puns about the cross the fiction) because she didn't obtain the total love that only came (well) for a time. Now the blood flows in my veins like cold water and I ask myself, I ask my husband, why don't you leave if you hate me so much? why don't you go and live alone?

DO YOU KNOW what irritates me most about you? what irritates me most about you?

Tell me, alvaro.

Your well-bred voice. Your voice that's so well bred. And do you know what I can't stand about you? Intimacy. Intimacy with you annoys me. Long story short.

The truth is, Leo, what attracted me was his appearance. Not him. Then I found out what he really was like. Too late, my friend. Then his appearance changed.

Why does he hold on to you?

Because only my eyes remember the way he was when he was young.

Don't sacrifice yourself anymore, Cordelia.

Do you see me as sacrificed? Don't think that. Do you see resignation in my eyes? You don't, do you? I'm calm. Do you know why?

No. Tell me.

I believe-that is, I imagine-that he knows more about what will come than about what's already happened.

Are you sure? He or you?

Both of us. I'm still with him because there's n.o.body left but me who remembers his youth and his promise. Only I have his eyes of yesterday in my eyes of today.

I NEED TO SLEEP with the window open. Close it. I need fresh air. It smells like a circus in here. I'll get pneumonia. Close it. Look at what a disaster the bathroom is. Why don't you keep your makeup someplace else? Why don't you clean the sink after you shave look at the dirty soap look at your hairs look at my brush full of your bleached hairs hang the towel up to dry spread it out don't leave it like that just thrown down put a mat beside the bathtub don't get the floor all wet yesterday I slipped and almost broke my neck why do you use so much toilet paper? don't you prefer to wipe your silky, high-handed a.s.s with Kleenex? don't use my razors anymore to shave under your arms you leave them full of hair but I only use the one you've already thrown away why don't you remove the hair permanently and stop bothering me why did you rearrange my s.h.i.+rts? to make your life easier blue ones here white ones there short-sleeve s.h.i.+rts on one side sport s.h.i.+rts in the back because you wear them less often ah! do you want me to cla.s.sify your panties your bras your panty hose because you can arrange my closet but I can't arrange yours right? why? because that's private alvaro and I have nothing private, Cordelia? it's different it's different. with the window open. Close it. I need fresh air. It smells like a circus in here. I'll get pneumonia. Close it. Look at what a disaster the bathroom is. Why don't you keep your makeup someplace else? Why don't you clean the sink after you shave look at the dirty soap look at your hairs look at my brush full of your bleached hairs hang the towel up to dry spread it out don't leave it like that just thrown down put a mat beside the bathtub don't get the floor all wet yesterday I slipped and almost broke my neck why do you use so much toilet paper? don't you prefer to wipe your silky, high-handed a.s.s with Kleenex? don't use my razors anymore to shave under your arms you leave them full of hair but I only use the one you've already thrown away why don't you remove the hair permanently and stop bothering me why did you rearrange my s.h.i.+rts? to make your life easier blue ones here white ones there short-sleeve s.h.i.+rts on one side sport s.h.i.+rts in the back because you wear them less often ah! do you want me to cla.s.sify your panties your bras your panty hose because you can arrange my closet but I can't arrange yours right? why? because that's private alvaro and I have nothing private, Cordelia? it's different it's different.

WE'RE NOT THE SAME you're right I have everything hanging on the outside you keep everything in those aromatic crannies, you're full of folds and more folds Cordelia and you know you smell like a fish market that's what you smell like a rotten red snapper that's how I feel when I make love to you that I'm f.u.c.king a dead fish left on the beach for a week a man shows himself he shows everything a woman hides everything she arranges everything in little quilted boxes but a woman disarranges your soul roll up your socks slowly bottom to top don't yank them don't put your shoes on before your trousers be careful not to stain your tie at the cleaners they ruin ties ties have their virginity too why were you messing with my tube of toothpaste? because it's very ugly to squeeze it from the top ah yes well I'm going to squeeze the tube from the top just to f.u.c.k up your little esthetic manias and give me the remote it's not mine I want to watch the news with Adriana Perez Canedo well Chespirito is on at the same time and I'd rather see Chilindrina where did you leave the you're right I have everything hanging on the outside you keep everything in those aromatic crannies, you're full of folds and more folds Cordelia and you know you smell like a fish market that's what you smell like a rotten red snapper that's how I feel when I make love to you that I'm f.u.c.king a dead fish left on the beach for a week a man shows himself he shows everything a woman hides everything she arranges everything in little quilted boxes but a woman disarranges your soul roll up your socks slowly bottom to top don't yank them don't put your shoes on before your trousers be careful not to stain your tie at the cleaners they ruin ties ties have their virginity too why were you messing with my tube of toothpaste? because it's very ugly to squeeze it from the top ah yes well I'm going to squeeze the tube from the top just to f.u.c.k up your little esthetic manias and give me the remote it's not mine I want to watch the news with Adriana Perez Canedo well Chespirito is on at the same time and I'd rather see Chilindrina where did you leave the Reforma Reforma? I threw it out why? I already read it and what about me? don't I have the right to read it, alvaro? you don't understand anything, Cordelia, women are bovine creatures they graze and have calves and give milk, that's all and they don't know what's going on in the world and don't care . . .

AND YOU, aLVARO, don't urinate outside the bowl just look at the drops you've left on the floor . . .

aLVARO was obsessed with presenting himself as the eminence grise of powerful figures, he would come home full of himself and tell me: was obsessed with presenting himself as the eminence grise of powerful figures, he would come home full of himself and tell me: "I proposed to the secretary . . ."

"I suggested to the subsecretary . . ."

"I made the senior official see . . ."

"The secretary's secretary, thanks to me . . ."

YOU STAY WITH ME because there's n.o.body left but me who remembers your youthful beauty. Only I have your young eyes in my old ones. because there's n.o.body left but me who remembers your youthful beauty. Only I have your young eyes in my old ones.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN? Was there a cause of all causes? What was first, what came later? Desire or jealousy? Ecstasy or disillusion? Misunderstandings or explanations? Suspicions or gossip? Desires or jealousy? Longing or disgust? Plenitude or rejection?

WHERE WERE YOU all afternoon? I've been waiting for you. You know I desire you in an untimely way. all afternoon? I've been waiting for you. You know I desire you in an untimely way.

Yes, you say I'm an untimely woman.

That's why I want you to be here when I desire you.

I'm sorry to disillusion you.

Bah, a man can't lose his illusions if he doesn't have any.

I don't understand you.

There are too many explanations.

That's true. Never complain. Never explain.

Not knowing where you are causes me tremendous anguish.

But I'm always at your side, you know that, my presence is in your imagination, in your desire, you always say that, I'm a prisoner in your head, I never leave there . . .

Your presence, darling, is only a b.l.o.o.d.y Kotex tossed in the toilet. Next time please pull the chain. Or send your menstrual filth to the cleaners, pig.

WHEN HE FOUND OUT, he didn't know what to do. Ignore it. Retaliate. Go out and kill him. He expected everything except her response.

You've violated my privacy. Those letters belonged only to me.

alvaro couldn't believe it.

Only to you? Did the Holy Spirit write them? Did you write them to yourself? How long have you been quoting poems by Neruda?

Ha ha.

They're my letters. Mine. Understand that. Respect my privacy.

And if you found love letters sent to me by another woman, would you respect "my privacy"?

It's different, alvaro. You have a profession, a public life, you go to work. You're in the world. But I live alone in this house.

Alone? Writing and receiving letters from a stranger?

Understand that I'm alone, alone deep inside. You don't give me all your time. I'm not reproaching you. But please understand that I need my time and my company, too. Yes, I need my privacy violated by your unhealthy curiosity. And everything going so well, my G.o.d . . .

Tell me, tell me what you're reproaching me for, Cordelia . . .

I'll tell you. You talk only about yourself, your career, your magnificent plans, your intelligence, your brilliance, the applause you receive. You're an applause meter. You're a valiant knight errant. Don Quixote. I'm your Sanchita Panzona. Well, no. Just as you live your life, I have the right to live mine.

I don't have a mistress, Cordelia.

Well, you ought to find one. Then we'd be even and no recriminations.

Is that all you can say to me?

No, of course not. Just imagine. I have my lover every day and you whenever I feel like it.

You've become a cynic.

Not a cynic. Desperate. How many times, beside you, did I have to pinch myself and tell myself, "I'm alive. I think. I want . . ."

Cordelia doesn't look away. He can't conquer her eyes.

That drives him mad.

I can bear only one tyrant. Myself, alvaro.

All right. What's the point of telling you how it irritates me that you're so pleased with yourself.

What do you expect. I'm too alive.

She doesn't look away. He can't conquer her eyes.

This drives him mad.

NO, he didn't even give her the satisfaction of finding himself a mistress. He didn't want her to have any excuses. He wanted her to know that his cruelty was gratuitous and undeserved. He ties her to the bed. He gags her and asks what are you thinking? He chokes her and asks her to sing "Amapola." He says he wants to reduce her until the torments of curiosity (his) are lost completely.

You won't have any life but this one, locked up. At my side. Sequestered in your own house.

He let it be understood-he never said so explicitly-that this was the price she had to pay for his forgetting. alvaro will forget Cordelia's guilt if Cordelia accepts gratuitous punishment, as if there were no sin between them. It was a painful way, she said to herself only because he said it first, "of beginning over."

I DON'T WANT anybody to think you're married to me out of loyalty, love, or habit. I want to know and for you to know, too, that you're here against your will. anybody to think you're married to me out of loyalty, love, or habit. I want to know and for you to know, too, that you're here against your will.

What do you say out in the world, alvaro?

That you prefer never to leave the house.

HE'LL CHAIN HER to the foot of the bed and tell her that this will be the punishment she deserved for the mere fact of becoming old and losing her looks. He'll gag her and ask what are you thinking about? He'll choke her while he asks her to sing "Amapola." He'll tell her there's no difference between the morgue and the bed. Lie down like a corpse! You'll close your eyes. You'll spare me your detestable vindictive gaze. You won't tell me that death is the maximum aggression against us because I'll keep you alive so you have no excuses. Until the final moment. I'll make you feel that death is only your possibility, not your reality. My malice will postpone your death. I'll prepare your death, dear wife. I'll separate you from death by prolonging your pain. I'll prepare your death. You won't be my phantom. You'll be my wife. Do you realize that I survive only to make you suffer? to the foot of the bed and tell her that this will be the punishment she deserved for the mere fact of becoming old and losing her looks. He'll gag her and ask what are you thinking about? He'll choke her while he asks her to sing "Amapola." He'll tell her there's no difference between the morgue and the bed. Lie down like a corpse! You'll close your eyes. You'll spare me your detestable vindictive gaze. You won't tell me that death is the maximum aggression against us because I'll keep you alive so you have no excuses. Until the final moment. I'll make you feel that death is only your possibility, not your reality. My malice will postpone your death. I'll prepare your death, dear wife. I'll separate you from death by prolonging your pain. I'll prepare your death. You won't be my phantom. You'll be my wife. Do you realize that I survive only to make you suffer?

WHEN I DARED to tell him to tell him-Reforma, Adriana Perez Canedo-that the secretary had done the opposite of what alvaro told me he told him he should have done, he ripped the paper, kicked the TV, and began to isolate himself, to not go out, to look at me reproachfully: I knew his secret, I paid no attention to him, his airs were pure smoke, I condemned myself, if he no longer had power outside, he would show me he had it in the house. Adriana Perez Canedo-that the secretary had done the opposite of what alvaro told me he told him he should have done, he ripped the paper, kicked the TV, and began to isolate himself, to not go out, to look at me reproachfully: I knew his secret, I paid no attention to him, his airs were pure smoke, I condemned myself, if he no longer had power outside, he would show me he had it in the house.

AT THE LAST DINNER the two of them-alvaro and Cordelia-attended together, they heard the honorable secretary say in a very low but exceedingly ill-intentioned voice: the two of them-alvaro and Cordelia-attended together, they heard the honorable secretary say in a very low but exceedingly ill-intentioned voice: alvaro Meneses is a lethal lethal bureaucrat. He's becoming redundant. bureaucrat. He's becoming redundant.

YOU HAVE LESS fizz than a Coca-Cola that's been open for a month . . . fizz than a Coca-Cola that's been open for a month . . .

I have an enormous empty s.p.a.ce. That's what I have.

He said this and stumbled, falling on his face over the rug that still smelled of urine, and at that moment the dog was exiled to live tied up, howling with melancholy, in the courtyard.

HE BEGAN DISPUTING TERRITORIES WITH ME. He began extending his control over the closet, the bed, the bathroom, the TV, and I kept telling him your seclusion doesn't free you from the big cold world alvaro (but really tell him that Cordelia) you're a child (don't be afraid of him Cordelia) you let yourself be judged too easily (you pick up the sections of the paper tossed to the floor and put them in order so you can feel victorious) you go around imagining what they're saying about you (tell him) what they think of you (think about it).

I'M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

You talk a great deal.

Inside, I'm silent.

HE MADE A POINT of masturbating in front of her. He laughed. He said, pleasures known to Onan unknown to Don Juan. of masturbating in front of her. He laughed. He said, pleasures known to Onan unknown to Don Juan.

Did you think convention would control me? he said when he was finished.

No. What an idea. Not even love subjugates you, alvaro.

I told him many things.

Will you let me tell you the truth?

No.

Excuse me. You're too weak for me.

Ah, you b.i.t.c.h. I'll show you . . .

I can endure only one tyrant. Myself. My own tyrant, alvaro.

Shall I tell you something? Why you're so twisted? Why you never travel a straight path?

I'll ruminate on that, alvaro.

This drove him crazy. He began to shout, tear his hair, ruminate, ruminate, he shouted, that's what cows say, why do you use those highfalutin words? why do you always talk like a well-bred girl? why do you constantly want to prove your superiority to me? because I was just a promising young man and you took charge of locking me away here . . . ?

You locked yourself away . . .

I locked myself away with you . . .

Nonsense.

You frustrated my ambition.

Just realize it, that's all.

I didn't become what I wanted to be.

You locked yourself away, I'm telling you . . .

I could have been somebody . . .

You are somebody. You're my husband. Isn't that enough?

It's your fault I'm a n.o.body.

What would you have done without me?

Become what I could have been.

Ah yes! The things I didn't do to please you . . .

Without you, Cordelia . . .