Pulp Ink Part 25

Bronson said, "I don't think I'd be able to tell the difference."

Funk said, "Yeah, I guess. I dunno."

Bronson said, "Maybe we should go talk to Gamma Rey."

Funk said, "Who's that?"

Mal said, "Guy we know."

Funk said, "Good enough for me."

8. Free Samples of My c.o.c.k and b.a.l.l.s Gamma Rey stood under an umbrella cart on the corner of 4th and Broadway, handed out little plastic tubs of hummus and baggies of pita chips. He said, "Hey, c'mon, get your free samples of... whatever the f.u.c.k this s.h.i.+t is. Hey, you're white, sir, you must like this sorta s.h.i.+t. No? This guero does here, right see? Hey! Speaking of gueros "

Mal said, "Gamma Rey." They shook hands.

Bronson said, "'Sup, Gamma Rey?" They shook hands. Gamma Rey pulled Bronson's hand to his own crotch, laughed when Bronson yanked his hand back.

Bronson said, "Never get tired of that bit, do ya?"

Gamma Rey said, "And he loves it! Who's your buddy?"

Bronson said, "This is Funk, man."

Gamma Rey said, "Hey, how you doing, man. Reynaldo Gama. Here, you guys want some'a this... what is it, hummus?"

Funk said, "Oh, yeah, that does sound good."

Mal said, "Nah."

Bronson said, "Eh, yeah, what the f.u.c.k."

Gamma Rey said, "So, what're you f.a.ggots up to?"

Mal said, "Whaddaya hear from down south lately?"

Gamma Rey said, "That your mom is half-price all week."

Mal said, "I can read the papers, man. What can you tell me?"

"I can tell you I wanna put my d.i.c.k in that girl's b.u.t.t," Gamma Rey said, "Yes, you, baby! Want some'a my hummus?"

Mal said, "Noted. What else can you tell me?"

Gamma Rey said, "f.u.c.kin'... is this about hamburguesa con queso?"

Bronson did a spit-take of pita crumbs, said, "f.u.c.k. I am impressed."

Gamma Rey said, "s.h.i.+t, man, ain't nothing happens I don't know. But sabes que? You guys had better take care of that s.h.i.+t. Like, yesterday."

Mal said, "Yeah? Why's that."

Gamma Rey said, "Hey, man, all due respect, but Romano is small-time, which is why TJ don't give a f.u.c.k."

Mal said, "All right."

Gamma Rey said, "But they just f.u.c.kin' extradited Benny over here, he's locked up down the street. So with their names all over the f.u.c.kin' news these days, El Ingenerio and his tia have gotta either f.u.c.kin' scale s.h.i.+t way down or finally join up with Juarez." He shook his head. "It's a... whaddayacall..."

Funk said, "A transitional period."

Gamma Rey said, "Yeah, a transitional whatever-the-f.u.c.k. So they want things nice and quiet. If you got Batwoman running around out there, you gotta take care of that s.h.i.+t quick, or TJ will have to. And I can f.u.c.kin' guarantee you're not gonna want that."

They all stood there a minute. Then Bronson said, "All right, important safety tip, thanks, Egon."

Gamma Rey laughed. "I dunno what the f.u.c.k you're talking about, but yeah. That'll work."

9. Know Your Periphery Bronson's phone went, "All the old paintings on the tomb, they do the sand dance, don'cha know..."

Bronson answered it, said, "Yeah."

Mal said, "All right, Gamma Rey."

Bronson nodded at him.

Funk said, "Nice meeting you."

"Yeah, you, too," Gamma Rey said, "Now who wants some'a this f.u.c.kin' white people food? Hey, man, know any white people? Here's some food for 'em."

Funk, Mal and Bronson stepped over into Horton Plaza Park so Bronson could hear over the traffic. He said, "Oh, all right, yeah."

The park was empty except for three teenagers dealing drugs over by the old fountain. Funk pointed at the old fountain, now surrounded by chain link, said, "Oh, the oldest fountain."

Mal said, "Huh?"

The white kid in a Milwaukee Bucks jersey said, "Well, then gimme my f.u.c.kin' pot back!"

Bronson put a finger in his ear, said, "4th and Broadway. In front of, y'know, where the old Planet Hollywood used to be."

Funk said, "Yeah, that's one of the earliest electric fountains in the world. If not the earliest."

The black girl in her gym clothes said, "f.u.c.k you, p.u.s.s.y punk!"

Mal said, "Huh."

Bucks Jersey took a swing at Gym Clothes. Gym Clothes backed up, holding the baggie out of his reach. The other guy, the black kid with corn rows, just watched.

Bronson said, "Yeah, all right." He hung up. "Sarge has got something for us. He's gonna meet us here in a few minutes."

Funk said, "Y'know, I kinda wanna say that's a shame, it just sitting there. But y'know."

Mal said, "Yeah. It's just some fountain."

Bucks Jersey and Gym Clothes danced around each other some more. People walking past the park would look up at the noise and then keep moving.

Funk said, "Yeah. But I don't know. I think it's more of a shame that it's not a shame. You know what I mean?"

Corn Rows picked up Bucks Jersey's skateboard.

Mal said, "No."

Bronson said, "No, not really."

Funk shrugged, said, "Well, anyways. Oh, here we go." Corn Rows swung the skateboard at Bucks Jersey's face, the wheels crunching against his temple. Bucks Jersey dropped like a sack. Corn Rows grabbed Gym Clothes by the arm and dragged her away, Gym Clothes still bouncing on her toes.

Bronson said, "I think it was using too much water or something. Like, are we in a drought still?"

Mal shrugged.

Funk said, "Your ringtone is The Bangles?"

10. As You Were, Men The cop said, "Hey! What're you f.u.c.king sc.u.mbags doing in my park?"

Bronson said, "Ah, lick my b.a.l.l.s, pig."

The cop said, "Yeah, like I could find those. How's it going, guys?"

Mal said, "Sarge."

Funk said, "Hey, Sarge. Good to see you again."

Sarge held up a video tape, said, "I dunno how much help this'll be, but..." He shrugged.

Mal said, "You guys still use VHS?"

Sarge shrugged, said, "It's what Cheeseburger used. Probably hadn't updated his security since the first f.u.c.kin' Clinton administration."

Bronson said, "You couldn't convert it over to DVD?"

Sarge said, "What am I, a f.u.c.kin' Walgreens?"

Funk said, "No, of course not, Sarge. You are not a Walgreens."

Sarge breathed through his nose. He said, "All right, we'll go over to the security office here. They know me. Who's this?"

They looked at Bucks Jersey, still on the ground, clutching his eye. Funk said, "A young man rethinking his career path."

Sarge said, "Oh, good. Less paperwork for me later. Anyways."

11. Yeah Sarge lead them through the mall to the security office, said, "Hey, Kim. Do me a favor and go grab a smoke, okay, buddy?"

The big Asian guy said, "You got it, Sarge."

Sarge popped the tape into the machine. They watched on the monitor as Cheeseburger f.u.c.ked a young woman on his desk.

Bronson said, "Ugh."

Funk, Mal and Sarge said, "Yeah."

Bronson said, "She's pretty hot, though."

Sarge fast-forwarded through until Cheeseburger had his clothes back on. He sat behind his desk, smoking one of those stinky European cigarettes. Then he caught a bullet in the face.

Funk said, "Can you rewind it back, zoom in on the girl?"

Sarge said, "Yeah. Yeah, I think so." He fiddled with the controls until a grainy blow-up of the girl's face was on-screen.

Mal said, "Ah, h.e.l.l."

Funk said, "What?"

Sarge nudged Mal in the ribs, said, "An old flame of yours?"

Mal looked at Bronson, said, "You know who this is, don't you?"

Bronson squinted at the screen, leaned forward, then leaned back. Said, "Ah, h.e.l.l."

12. Who Is This Is Funk said to the cute girl behind the counter, "Hi, could I get a venti iced coffee? Only five ice cubes in that, please."

The girl looked up at him. "Five ice cubes?"

Funk said, "Right. Please."

The girl rang him up, gave him his change. Mal and Bronson stared at him.

Funk said, "I used to say 'light ice,' but then they'd still put, like, seventeen ice cubes in there."

Mal and Bronson stared at him.

Funk said, "Anyways, so okay, who is this woman?"

Mal shrugged. "Pretty sure that was Agatha."

Funk said, "Uh-huh. And who's that?"

Mal said, "Well, there used to be this guy we knew, Louis."

Bronson said, "Buddy of ours."

Mal said, "Got killed a while back."