The Red Hand of Ulster Part 38

"Certainly," I said. "I'm in no hurry. But be sure you put it to him distinctly. I don't want to have any misunderstanding."

There was no telephone in the library of Moyne House. c.l.i.thering had to ring for a servant who led him off to another room. G.o.dfrey seized the opportunity of his absence to confide in me.

"Poor old c.l.i.thering is a bit of a bounder," he said. "Makes stockings, you know, Excellency. And Lady c.l.i.thering is a fat vulgarian. It's all she can do to pick up her aitches. I shouldn't think of stopping in their house if--"

"If any one else would give you food and pocket money."

"There's that, of course," said G.o.dfrey. "But what I was thinking of is the daughter. There is a daughter and she ought to have a tidy little pile. Now do you think it would be worth my while to marry into a family like that for forty thou.? c.l.i.thering ought to run to forty thou., with the t.i.tle in sight. I wonder if you would mind sounding him, Excellency?"

"At present," I said, "I'm arranging about the fate of Belfast, which is rather an important matter in some ways. But--"

G.o.dfrey did not seem to care much about the fate of Belfast.

"I suppose," he said, "that it really is settled about Marion and that fellow Power."

"Quite," I said; "they're to be married at once."

"Then I think, Excellency, if you don't mind speaking to old c.l.i.thering--I wouldn't like to commit myself until I was pretty sure of the money. There's only one daughter, so he can hardly offer less than forty thou."

I fully intended to tell G.o.dfrey what I thought of him; but words were not easy to find. I was still searching for a noun to go along with "d.a.m.nable" when c.l.i.thering came back. He seemed greatly excited.

"The Prime Minister," he blurted out, "is quite ready--He says he has no objection--In fact it's what we've been trying to do all along. Our Home Rule Bill was simply an attempt--"

"Do try to be coherent," I said. "What did the Prime Minister say?"

"He said we'd leave Ireland with the greatest pleasure," said c.l.i.thering.

"Is that all?"

Something in the way c.l.i.thering spoke made me think the Prime Minister must have said more than that.

"He added," said c.l.i.thering, "that--"

Then he paused nervously.

"Out with it," I said. "It's far better to have no secrets. G.o.dfrey, take down the Prime Minister's words."

"He added," said c.l.i.thering, "that there is only one thing which would please him better than to see the back of the last Irishman leaving Westminster, and that is--"

"Go on," I said.

"To hear that at the end of three weeks you'd all torn each other to pieces, and that there was nothing but a lot of trouser b.u.t.tons left to show that Ireland had ever been an inhabited country. Of course he didn't mean it. If there was the least chance of any internecine strife our conscience would not allow us--after all we have a duty, as Englishmen--but there's no risk of bloodshed, is there, Lord Kilmore?"

"Not the slightest. I may take it then that your Government agrees to our terms. You cart away your army and all your officials, except the Lord Lieutenant. We want him. He's to give parties for the Dublin doctors and the smaller landed gentry."

"But about his salary," said c.l.i.thering. "Is that to be an Imperial charge, or are you--?"

"I forgot to ask about that," I said, "but if there's any difficulty I expect Conroy will agree to pay it. It's not much, is it?"

"I'm not sure of the exact figure; but I know it's never supposed to be enough."

"I've no actual authority for saying so," I said, "but I expect we'll want to do the thing decently if we do it at all. Cahoon has the mind of a statesman, and in his opinion something will have to be done to soothe the Dublin public. A first-rate Viceregal establishment was his idea. However, we needn't go into details. The main thing is that we want a Lord Lieutenant. If your Government undertakes to supply suitable men from time to time I think I may promise that we'll find the money. Write that down, G.o.dfrey."

"When you speak of the English clearing out of Ireland," said c.l.i.thering, "and leaving you the country to yourselves, you don't of course mean absolute fiscal independence."

"We do," I said.

"You can't mean that," said c.l.i.thering. "It's costing us nearly two millions a year to run the country, and if that's withdrawn you will go bankrupt."

"What McNeice said," I replied, "was that you were to clear out, bag, baggage, soldiers, police, tax-collectors, and the whole--"

"Tax-collectors!" said c.l.i.thering. "I'm not sure--"

"Didn't your Prime Minister say he'd be glad to get rid of us? What's the use of your arguing on about every little point?"

"But," said c.l.i.thering, "the collection of the revenue! Between ourselves now, Lord Kilmore, do you think there would be any risk of your imposing a tariff on--"

"Certain to," I said. "It will be one of the first things we do."

"We can't agree to that," said c.l.i.thering. "Free Trade is a principle, a sacred principle with us. You can't expect--We are a Free Trade Government. Our consciences--"

"Very well," I said. "Go on with the war. Bombard Belfast. Kill another woman. Smash the Albert Memorial with a sh.e.l.l."

"Our consciences--" said c.l.i.thering.

"Your consciences," I said, "will have to let you do one thing or the other."

"Now take my own case," said c.l.i.thering. "I am interested, deeply interested, in hosiery. We do a big business in stockings."

G.o.dfrey winced. I do not wonder. The future Lady Kilmore must, of course, wear stockings, but it is not pleasant for G.o.dfrey to think of her supply coming straight from the paternal factory.

"The Irish trade," said c.l.i.thering, "is not among the most remunerative, but--"

"We can only afford to wear the cheaper sorts," I said; "and a great many of us can't buy any at all. I don't think you need bother about the Irish trade."

"Still, it is substantial. Now, a hostile tariff--or a bounty on Balbriggan--"

"You'll have to establish a factory in Ireland," I said, "and dodge the tariff. Tipperary now. Labour is comparatively cheap, and--After all, it's a choice between that and letting the Fleet loose at Belfast again."

c.l.i.thering thought this over. I think the idea of cheap labour in Tipperary cheered him up. When he next spoke it was in a most friendly tone.

"I hope," he said, "that the sh.e.l.ls which were fired--"

"There was only one," I said.

"I heard that no lives were lost," said c.l.i.thering. "I hope that the damage done to property was not serious."

"One statue," I said, "was smashed to bits."