Kung Fu Nuns Part 10

Uncle Ma was looking forward to the meal with great expectations, for no matter what their faults, the Kee family always dined well. He shook, however, when he thought of the special entertainment that his relatives may have planned for the event. Their sense of humor was grotesque, and their idea of a finale to a good feed could lead to something ugly. And, as he was literally the Old Boss's successor, there was always the chance that Kee Chin-Fui may have had designs on running the family himself. Even though the cousins throughout the world were aware that Uncle Ma wanted no part of the job, his death would clear the slate if a coup were ever attempted.

As they rode in the elevator towards the private ballroom, Kee Chin-Fui noticed Uncle Ma's nervousness and giggled, "What matter? You think we serve your Golden Orbs on the menu tonight? We can't kill you! Have to be practical. You know where all the Old Boss's secret bank accounts are."

"You could try to torture the information out of me," said Uncle Ma, half joking.

"In front of all relative?" laughed Kee Chin-Fui. "They go bank before me."

Uncle Ma relaxed somewhat when the elevator doors parted to reveal a smiling, tuxedo-clad maitre d' who led their group through a velvet-papered anteroom into a huge ballroom where more than a hundred Kees stood, each with a small gla.s.s of mai tai raised in toast. In unison, they chanted, "Son ... son of the son, of the son, of the son, of the son, of our great ancestor, the great pirate!"

Uncle Ma waited until they had all taken a drink, and then started forward to a great burst of applause. As he approached the main table, which was set on a raised dais at the far end of the hall, he stopped to shake hands and exchange a few words with some of the older members of the family whom he knew personally. Upon reaching his seat, there was another burst of applause and the shouts, "Speech! Speech!"

Leaning toward the microphone in front of him, Kee Chin-Fui cleared his throat before shouting, "Forget speech! Wait Uncle Ma get drunk enough. First have feast!" He then politely held Uncle Ma's chair back, so that the older man could seat himself comfortably. "Good food tonight!" said Kee Chin-Fui, lifting the cover on one of the plates on the table to reveal the delicacies.

"Monkey brain?" said Uncle Ma, unable to hide his delight.

"Monkey brain! Especially for you."

"It is a great honor," stammered Uncle Ma, who loved the delicacy dish. His whole att.i.tude changed when he thought of the meal to come, and he even began to look on the cousins before him with some sympathy. He was even more benevolent when the first course Sweets-of-a-Thousand-Different-Lands was placed before him. It was so excellent that he was caught by surprise when he suddenly realized that busy fingers were undoing the b.u.t.tons of his fly. He stirred as the hands of mystery began to fondle him; and then, glancing beneath the table, he caught sight of the top of the head of a young girl trying to find a comfortable position between his legs so she could perform her a.s.signed task for the evening.

Kee Chin-Fui, noting his momentary shock, explained: "Second course special! Go with b.l.o.w.j.o.b!"

Uncle Ma, amused, bent over to get a better view of the activities below the table and discovered a head stationed between the legs of all those seated on the dais. He spread his thighs to give the woman servicing him more room, and looking around the banquet hall, ascertained from the expressions on the faces of all the men present that they were receiving the same treatment from unseen mouths.

After the seventh dish of the evening was sampled by everyone, Uncle Ma still retained an erection because his main interest at that moment was the food and not his Joy Stick. It was then that Kee Chin-Fui approached the microphone and shouted for silence. "Now Uncle Ma gets his favorite delicacy."

As soon as he spoke, the women servicing the Kee cousins crawled out from under their respective tables and hurried to an exit, hiding their faces with their hands and giggling. There was a moment of silence. When most had zipped or b.u.t.toned up and regained their composure, the Crystal Palace's head chef entered carrying Uncle Ma's favorite dish. He dug in and ate a plateful.

Uncle Ma wiped his mouth and then said, "This completes the whole evening!"

"That only the start! Not even the main course."

"Not the main course? Monkey brains are always the main course!"

"Soon as you finish, get main course. Maybe you finished now. I tell waiter to take away."

"Don't you dare!" said Uncle Ma. "You can't get food like this in Vietnam." After he had eaten as much as his belly could hold, Uncle Ma leaned back his chair, burped, and loosened his belt. Kee Chin-Fui clapped his hands for attention and then said into the microphone, "Now extra special treat for Uncle Ma!"

A hush fell over the room as the lights dimmed, and then a single spot focused on the swinging doors of the kitchen which swung open to reveal the Master Chef who marched proudly into the room, followed by two a.s.sistants rolling a red-draped tray table. Uncle Ma rose to get a better view and discovered that the tray consisted of a beautiful young girl, ankles strapped to her thighs, and legs spread so far apart that easy access could be made to her Mystic Place. The small delicacy-filled plates that surrounded her added contrast to her pale, white flesh. She had a beautiful, perfectly shaped mouth.

The a.s.sistants lifted her on a large tray and placed her on the dais table directly in front of Uncle Ma. He had to t.i.tter when he noticed a bright red fruit had been inserted into her Mystic Place. It was a cherry, and its little stem poked up at him invitingly.

Kee Chin-Fui announced proudly, "This virgin for Uncle Ma and Uncle Ma alone!"

Uncle Ma whispered, "I'm not going to f.u.c.k her here and now."

Kee Chin-Fui hissed loudly, "This not virgin for f.u.c.king, this virgin for eating. I'm not that rich. Costs too much to f.u.c.k! Cook make special treat. Only for long-ago Emperor!"

A bit tipsy, Uncle Ma did what he thought was expected of him. He leaned over and sucked the cherry out of its tight niche, and then rose and chewed it slowly. The room remained silent. Uncle Ma swallowed and then leaned forward again to attack the Mystic Place before him with his tongue. The Kees broke into hysterical laughter. Kee Chin-Fui, tears streaming from his eyes, giggled, "No supposed to eat that way, Uncle Ma! There special delicacy marinating in there."

Uncle Ma was puzzled until the Master Chef handed him a pair of ivory chopsticks and then spread the lips of the girl's v.u.l.v.a for him. Uncle Ma explored the interior of her v.a.g.i.n.a with the fa che until he felt something small and wriggly nested against her hymen. Much to his surprise, he withdrew a live shrimp. As he studied it in amazement, the Master Chef held out a bowl of sauce. Uncle Ma dipped the protesting crustacean into it, and then placed it in his mouth. He found the sauce somewhat bland and the whole concoction not as interesting as the other dishes he had sampled that evening.

The chef pointed a large bowl of salt water filled with similar shrimp deporting themselves vigorously. He said, "She too young and small to hold more than one at a time. You put in, let soak up juice. Then eat!"

As Uncle Ma followed his instructions, other trays were transported into the room bearing naked virgins bound in the same manner as the first. There was one for each group of eight men. At the microphone, Kee Chin-Fui shouted, "Be careful! No poke too hard. Break cherry, you have to pay for it!"

Uncle Ma dipped his chopsticks into the bowl of shrimp and then into the virgin p.u.s.s.y before him a few times. He even placed a small shrimp inside the tight hole and bent to aspirate it from the girl personally, his lips plastered over her Mystic Place as he sucked out the food.

He became bored with the whole procedure by the time he had eaten two more shrimp and settled into his chair, closing his eyes. "What's the matter, you no like virgin p.u.s.s.y?"

"I'm stuffed!"

"Stuffed?" giggled his cousin. "You not stuffed! She stuffed!"

The joke was lost on Uncle Ma, who was already in a fantasy of hot, young, blonde coeds in short skirts. It was only a loud commotion that brought him back to reality. One of the Kee had dropped his pants and climbed on his table to present the naked virgin before him with a stiff and rather pink Joy Stick. As his companions laughed, he shouted, "I'm going to f.u.c.k this virgin! She okay pretty and I hard as a rock."

Kee Chin-Fui leaped out of his seat and, followed by his two sons, ran to the man and tried to force him from his position as the rest of the family laughed uncontrollably.

The two men struggled. Chin-Fui screamed, "You can't f.u.c.k! Only rented! If you want f.u.c.k, you pay up front to her owner."

The other Kee, Joy Stick in hand, shouted back, "Okay! I pay. How much?"

"Ninety thousand Hong Kong dollars!"

The price stunned the Kee on the table. As the others called, "What the matter, your Joy Stick cheap?" his voice took on a moderate tone, and he said, "How much if I put c.o.c.k in mouth and she just suck?"

"You crazy! Plenty girls here just suck. Already paid for!"

"How much!" shouted the drunken cousin on the table.

"Same! Mouth virgin! p.u.s.s.y virgin! Ninety thousand dollar! You can do anything you want this rented girl except f.u.c.k her in any hole."

The Kee on the table thought for minute and then said, "I place cherry in a.s.shole and lick out." With that, he gently spread the tightly puckered orifice, slipped in a fresh cherry, pressed it until the whole round ball of tiny fruit was nestled in her tiny a.s.s hole, and then bent down to greedily suck the small fruit out. Soon enough, all the cousins had a yen for a piece of the action.

As if on cue, the cousins rose and ran toward the cherry bowl, then back to the girls on the trays to fill their tight young a.n.a.l orifices with cherries and take turns licking them out. Needless to say, the greedy Kees fought over who was next, and the whole event turned really ugly. It was so repulsive that Uncle Ma thought he would puke. Without excusing himself, he rose and found his way to the lavatory where he rested his head against the cool tile above the urinal.

He wasn't there more than a few moments when the door swung open and Kee Chin-Fui entered and said, "Uncle Ma, I worried. What you do in here?"

Uncle Ma replied with a deep sigh, "Isn't it obvious what one does in here?"

"This high-cla.s.s party!" hissed Kee Chin-Fui. "You just snap your finger for p.i.s.s bottle girl!"

Unable to think of anything else to do at the moment, Uncle Ma removed his Joy Stick from his pants and commenced to urinate as his cousin said, "You not happy! What you want? Virgin? I buy you virgin!"

"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep, alone."

"You get all virgin you want when you new boss of the family."

"Me?" replied Uncle Ma. "Me? You know I'm a lousy Kee. And don't suggest that to anyone else. You know how the Old Boss feels about potential heirs."

"He going to die soon. That mongrel slave kill him dead s.h.i.+t with her p.u.s.s.y. We need boss like you. You see your cousins in there, animals. Family need a new image! Education! It all high-cla.s.s business now!"

"I think they're beyond hope as far as obtaining any polis.h.!.+"

"Bulls.h.i.+t! I don't know what polish mean. What you say?"

"To what?" asked Uncle Ma.

"I send my boys back to Vietnam with you. Drown Elder Niece Kee and her son in a bucket of pigs.h.i.+t. You take over."

"The old man is still alive!"

"We hurry things along a little bit when we there. The family understand."

To end the conversation as soon as possible, Uncle Ma replied, "I'll have to sleep on it."

"Then you sleep with virgin I buy you!"

"You've done enough for me already. The meal was one of the finest I've ever had. I'm going to enjoy it twice as much when it goes out as I did when it went in. We'll save the virgin for later. Say goodbye to the boys for me and call the car. I'm very tired."

He arose the next morning at six A.M. and packed silently so as not to awaken the two Kee bodyguards sleeping in the living room of the suite. Taking a cab to the Star Ferry and crossing the harbor to Kowloon, he boarded the eight-fifteen train to Canton, thinking, "If I find a Shar Yip, he's going to be extremely pleased because I'm going to hand him a million dollars. I can't steal Kee Djung Pau's money! That would make me as rotten as the rest of my relatives!"

CHAPTER SEVEN.

The customs officer was extremely polite to Uncle Ma, who already had the proper visa to the People's Republic of China and an import certificate for the million dollars in U.S. currency. The official carefully counted and then returned the money without showing any emotion. The appearance of an overseas Chinese visitor with so much cash on hand was rare in those days, but not that unusual as there was a great amount of trade being conducted between Beijing and Hong Kong. Besides, it was not the customs officer's place to comment. He did, however, excuse himself and go off into a rear office. He returned with an older supervisor who glanced at the stack of U.S. bills on the counter and then asked Uncle Ma for his pa.s.sport. "South Vietnam?" he grunted. "But you come recommended by our brothers in the north. Is that your real chop?"

"Of course," said Uncle Ma.

"You're not one of those gangsters?"

"No!"

"Were you born here in the homeland?"

"It's on my pa.s.sport. Vietnam!"

The older officer handed Uncle Ma's papers to his subordinate and said, "Check his name in the book. He may be wanted." When the younger customs officer had gone off, he said, softly, "That's a lot of money to bring to your family here!"

"It's for business!"

"Business funds are usually done through the bank!"

"My currency import certificate is in order!"

The office smiled, and then said, "You're obviously Cantonese, but you're going direct to Henan. Strange that you have family up there!"

"I said the money was for business!"

"There's not much business that far up north; Henan is wasteland."

Wanting to get on with his mission, Uncle Ma smiled and slid two one hundred dollar bills off one of the stacks across the counter to the officer. The man pocketed them quickly and then called out, "Dow, bring the gentleman's papers back. If you haven't found anything by now, I a.s.sume it's okay. I don't want him to miss the train."

As Uncle Ma hurriedly stuffed the money back into his shoulder bag, the officer whispered, "That's a lot of money to spend on a soft Joy Stick."

"I don't quite understand," replied Uncle Ma.

"You're going to see the monks!"

"What monks?" asked Uncle Ma, trying to appear dumbfounded.

"The Shar Yips! You don't have to be embarra.s.sed. I mean, that's the only reason anyone goes to Henan."

Uncle Ma waited an appropriate amount of time before saying, "It's for a relative of mine. Someone much older."

"That's what they all say!" said the customs officer with a laugh.

"Have you ever seen one, a Shar Yip?"

"No! But if there's one up there, he's got a h.e.l.l of a better racket going for himself than working border patrol."

When Uncle Ma's papers had been returned and he was on the way out the door, the older officer called him back and handed him a slip of paper. He read it only after he was aboard the train which was slowly making its way out of the station. Uncle Ma was confused until he realized, "s.h.i.+t! He's given me the address of a wh.o.r.ehouse in Canton. China hasn't changed at all!"

He was anxious to explore that aspect of communism but thought it wiser to complete the errand he was running for the Old Boss first. The only thing that he feared was the possibility that there were no Shar Yips in Henan no matter what anyone said. He would be at a loss as what to do with the money and what to tell Kee Djung Pau when he got to back to Vietnam. When a rich old Auntie and her daughter, both from Hong Kong and on their way to visit relatives farther north, boarded the train in Canton and sat opposite him, he was glad to engage them in conversation, even though it meant looking at what seemed like a hundred color photographs of a.s.sorted children, grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. Uncle Ma was unable to reply in kind when the older woman said, "You look like a man with many sons! You must show us pictures of them."

Uncle Ma was tempted to tell him that most recent pictures of his two boys probably resided only on post office walls in the United States, but, instead, replied, "My wife carries them with her. She didn't make this trip."

"What village are you from?"

"Kau Yon," said Uncle Ma, picking the first name that came into his mind and knowing that the woman was asking his family's ancestral seat, not where he actually came from. If he gave them the name of the small coastal town that all Kees claimed as home, her att.i.tude toward him would change dramatically. "But Paris is my real home, although I plan to emigrate to the United States soon."

"Kau Yon is south of here!"

"I'm headed way north! Henan!" replied Uncle Ma without thinking.

"Oh, you poor man. And you're not that old. No wonder you don't have any pictures of your grandchildren with you."

"I don't understand!" answered Uncle Ma, who understood exactly what she was getting at. As innocently as possible, he said, "I'm a geologist. My company is looking into some possible copper deposits in the mountains."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" said the older woman. "I thought you were going to the monks."

"What monks?"

"The Buddhist monks that keep a monastery there."