Honey, I Wrecked The Kids Part 18

THE AGENDA.

There should be an agenda for every meeting. A suggested format is listed here: Schafer Family Meeting: October 3rd 1. 1.

Appreciations/encouragement 2. Follow-up on old business a. socks in the family room-Mom New business a. Can I have a Halloween party? -Zoe b. Troubles finding fast things to pack for our school lunches-Lucy 228.

4. Planning / scheduling / syncing calendars 5.

Distribute allowances 6. Weekly ch.o.r.e sign-up 7. Closing / fun 1. Appreciations / Encouragement We spend so much time finding fault in this life; rarely do we stop to focus on all that is going well. Guess what? Th ere are a lot of great things going on in your family. Starting the meeting with appreciations sets a positive tone and reminds us we are gathered in the interests of getting better as a family-not to get people in trouble.

How this step happens varies widely from family to family, but so long as it's positive, you're headed in the right direction. In our family, I ask: "What made this a good week? What things happened in the Schafer family this week that make you proud of how we are doing as a family?" Some families take turns centering one person and giving them encouragement, letting them know what things they did this week that others were grateful for. Don't be put off if in the beginning your children are tight-lipped. There may be some deep animosity and also suspicion of these new "meetings," so they may not feel generous about sharing their thoughts and feelings. Some children don't know what it means to give an appreciation, but if you take the lead and show them by example, each week this part of the meeting will get richer and more meaningful. In fact, this is the most important part of the meeting. If ever you can't hold the family meeting for some reason, at least do this part.

2. Follow-Up on Old Business The secretary will need to flip back to the previous meeting notes and share what was to be implemented during the week. Th en the whole family evaluates how the solution is working. Does the solution Chapter Eight 229.

stand for another week, or does it need to be tweaked? Do we need to go back to the drawing board? It is so freeing to know that we are just working at the next iteration of a solution, rather than feeling that we were wrong, or botched it. This also means that no one feels it's a prison sentence when they agree to an idea. It's a short-lived commitment. No pressure.

3. New Business Somewhere central in the house, like the door of the fridge, there should be an agenda for the family meeting posted so that during the week, as things come up in the moment, people can jot down their name and add their items.

If Evan is having a meltdown because he desperately wants the s...o...b..e Doo costume at the grocery store, you can say, "I see you really would like to go as s...o...b..e Doo for Halloween this year. Can I put Halloween costumes on the agenda for you to discuss at the family meeting?" That is often enough to stop the tantrum. At the family meeting, Mom can also offer to sew a costume, or take him to the costume store where they may have a better s...o...b..e Doo offering. If Evan feels that the family meeting is where good things happen and where people really do try to make things work in your best interest, he will not mind pa.s.sing up the first exciting Halloween costume he sees.

Common Parenting Pitfall: Acting Open-Minded When You're Not Mom has no interest in buying that cheaply made over-priced costume. She tells Evan they'll talk about it at the family meeting, but in reality she has already made up her mind. She is holding off on delivering the bad news. If Mom comes to the meeting with her mind made up, and is not interested in solving problems, but in pus.h.i.+ng her own idea, the spirit of the democratic meeting process is lost.

Can you come with an open mind? Model that to your children.

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Show them how people can learn and integrate new information in a way that is not "wishy-washy."

It is during "new business" discussions that the chairperson will have to lead the discussion most closely. We will look at confl ict reso-lution and getting to consensus in more detail in just moment.

4. Planning, Scheduling and Syncing Calendars Between the poster board you're fourth grader needs for her school presentation on the solar system, the knee pads her sister needs for the volleyball tournament, the orthodontist appointment for her brother and, yes, didn't you say you would help with the cookie dough fundraiser?-they meet at school tomorrow. HELP!-you forgot the car had to go in for service today.

Not everyone is a "planner" (including me). Having a standing item that relates to some kind of planning will help the family be proactive instead of reactive. You'll be surprised how many fi ghts can be prevented, just by discussing in advance any upcoming events.

You'll also be amazed by how little your children know about what is going on in your life. It's a lot harder to hear that Daddy can't make it to your ballet recital as you're getting your hair put in a bun for the performance than to have seen it marked on the calendar since last week.

Your children will see you have a life and your own commitments too! Go figure. It's a good reality check. All too often we just pull our children from place to place, and they have no sense of control over their comings and goings. It's more respectful and democratic to co-ordinate everyone's time.

5. Distributing Allowances Since the family meeting is about managing the business of family life, it seems a good fit to use these meetings as a time to pay out Chapter Eight 231.

allowances. I want to be clear on my position. Every child gets an allowance, regardless of whether or not he or she attends the meeting. Allowance is not a reward for attendance. Most parents tell me they forget to give their children their allowance and then get so in arrears they can't even remember what they owe their child anymore.

Imagine if your paycheck was handed out this erratically! If we want our children to act responsibly and keep their commitments to us, we had better do the same to them.

6. Weekly Ch.o.r.e Sign-Up Do not give allowance based on doing ch.o.r.es. We give our children money just as we give them clothes and shelter. It's needed for living.

And, similarly, ch.o.r.es are a requirement of family living. But that doesn't mean the two are related or tied together. If you start that, you'll be bean counting again in no time. Don't do it!

Instill the idea that we all need to pitch in to make the family operate smoothly. We don't do it for money; we do it because it is needed.

By divvying up ch.o.r.es, our children partic.i.p.ate and contribute in ways that make them feel even more a part of the family. Ch.o.r.es are a positive source of C's.

The family meeting is a good time to address the work of the family that needs to be done in the week ahead, and to delegate these responsibilities among the family members. It works best to let the children come up with some system. The more input they have in how ch.o.r.es should be handled in your home, the more likely they are to do them.

7. Closing / Fun After your meeting, have some fun together as a family. Th at's right-fun!

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You're all a.s.sembled anyway, and if the meeting is short and sweet, you might still have some popcorn left over. Why not put away the agenda and play a game of Crazy Eights or grab some sc.r.a.p paper and play a game of charades or Pictionary?

It doesn't have to be anything big: just a nice ritual. Closing fun helps everyone stay inspired about the meetings, and it helps to end on a feel-good note, especially if anyone was feeling a little put out that their suggestion didn't get accepted.

I promise this will be the day of the week your children come to love the most. Forget all the other enrichment activities you pay big bucks to enroll your kids in. Th is is what our children desire the most from us and their family-camaraderie in work and play.

MEE TING STAGES.

If you try to incorporate every detail of a family meeting at once, it's likely to be a pretty spectacular failure. There is a lot to learn for everyone and doing that learning in stages will make for a smooth transition.

Stage One: Setting Expectations Th e first step is to set positive expectations about what these new-fangled "family meetings" are. In some families, the kids will be excited right away. In other families, it takes an att.i.tude adjustment. Many families have tried family meetings before, so re-introducing them may bring on moans of resistance. I'm guessing the old meetings were a flop because they were not really democratic. All too often, family meetings are just the authorities cracking down on the underlings with stronger laws. Who'd want to re-start that tradition?

The aim of Stage One is to begin the meetings on the right foot. They begin as short, fun, happy times where children domi-nate the conversation and parents mostly listen (that will shock Chapter Eight 233.

and excite them). Stage One also helps the family to become accustomed to the regularity and punctuality of the meeting.

Stage One has only two agenda items: appreciations and planning for "family fun" this week. That's it. No ch.o.r.es, no solving fi ghts-just a positive family meeting to solve the problem of "what to do for fun."

Who doesn't want to solve that problem? Everyone is interested in having some say in shaping a fun event. It's a problem-solving task that can't go too far wrong, and it gives us the opportunity to teach a few basic meeting skills: 1. Taking turns talking 2. Solving a problem Reaching consensus 4. Chairing a meeting Of course, when our children fi nally get to speak up and be heard, watch out! They usually fight to have the floor and talk over one another. It just goes to show what a scarcity good listening is.

Initially, your kids will be thinking, "Quick, I have the fl oor, Mom and Dad are listening-better blurt it all out and talk over my twerp of a little brother. My ideas are way better than his."

Expect this in the beginning. It doesn't mean your children are rude and need to be talked to about manners. They simply have to be taught the skills of taking turns and listening to others. Th at is why these early meetings are stripped down to the basics, so we can focus on building skills.

We want to set the expectation that family meetings are a time both for listening to others as well as being heard. We can prove to our kids that they don't need to worry about competing for air-time.

In fact, at family meetings, there is an abundance of time and attention for EVERYONE to be fully heard.

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A fantastic tool for this comes from the Native North American Indian tradition of using a talking stick. Whoever has the stick is free to speak without interruption. The other members remain silent.

You can use almost anything for the talking stick, but consider decorating it together as a family, maybe even borrowing from the following traditional, metaphorical adornments: * An eagle feather tied to the talking stick gives the courage and wisdom to speak truthfully and wisely.

* Rabbit fur on the end of the stick reminds us that our words must come from our heart and so they must be soft and warm.

* A blue stone reminds us that the Great Spirit hears the message of our heart as well as the words we speak.

* A sh.e.l.l, iridescent and ever changing, reminds us that all creation changes; days, seasons and years all change, and people and situations change, too.

* Four colors of beads-yellow for the sunrise (east), red for the sunset (west), white for the snow (north) and green for the earth (south) -are symbolic of the powers of the universe we have in our hands at the moment to speak what is in our heart.

* Buffalo hair (or a reasonable facsimile!) gives the power and strength of this great animal to the words of the speaker.

Kids eat that stuff up, and parents can also learn from the wisdom of the tribal council. Practice pa.s.sing the stick during the appreciation part of the meeting, going around the table one person at a time. Th e chairperson may have to keep order by saying, "Thank you, Emily.

We are interested in what you have to say, but it's Jeffrey's turn at Chapter Eight 235.

the moment; he has the talking stick." With practice, your kids will discover that it is okay to wait their turn, both because it is coming, and also because it's nice to have everyone pay attention and listen seriously once your turn arrives.

Next, the chairperson can ask, "What are we going to do for family fun this week?" It seems like a simple question, but au con-traire! What day will you have family fun? What time? What will you do? Do you have a budget or any other constraints? Th e talking stick may be pa.s.sed across the circle again, allowing anyone who doesn't have a comment to pa.s.s.

Since diff erent people will have diff erent ideas about what to do, we have our first problem or conflict to solve.

BED Model for Solving Confl ict We want to put our troubles to "BED" so we can use that short form to remind us of the three steps of problem-solving: B Brainstorm solutions Evaluate Decide on a course of action Brainstorm Solutions Brainstorm Solutions We want to feel free to toss ideas out there without any fear of them being judged as "good" or "bad." This is the creative part of problem-solving, and the more wild and free you are, the better solutions you'll get. It's hard to be creative (engaging the right brain) if the rational side (left brain) is simultaneously trying to evaluate. Also, our children who are fearful of mistakes and still shakey about their feelings of courage will not want to toss ideas out there if they fear we will judge their ideas as poor. We have to deem this a criticism-free zone.

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The secretary should write down all the ideas that come from the brainstorm. Parents can offer ideas, especially if children need some help getting the ball rolling, but I recommend you toss out ideas that exemplify a range of options, rather than providing the answer that is the most likely to be chosen. We are trying to show we don't have all the power. We want to model making mistakes and being creative.

What should we do for family fun? Mom says. "How about learning to crochet together? Or collecting moon rocks?" Th e secretary writes those down. Even if it's a lousy improbable idea (crochet together?), remember, no evaluation at this point and there is also no concern for whose idea it is. Just offer them up and write them down. This adds a feeling of anonymity that also helps people feel more courageous about sharing their ideas.

Evaluate Once you have a list of possible ideas compiled, then you can start the process of evaluating them. You'll need to eliminate items based on some criteria, for example, "We only have so many hours," or "so many dollars," and so on. Essentially, you are creating a short list of things the kids are most keen on, and that are doable.

Decide on a Course of Action The chairperson will need to guide people to build consensus. Remember, the form of consensus we are trying to achieve addresses the reality only for this one week, and we can move forward only with one idea. We need everyone to get behind one idea, even if it's not each individual's favorite idea. Start with a show of hands to see if you are getting close to consensus. The chairperson can say, "Looks like there is a lot of interest in going swimming as our family activity.

Peter, is that something you would be willing to go along with to Chapter Eight 237.

help the group?" If Peter says yes, we can thank him for his gift to help the family. What-sounds too Brady Bunch? You doubt your children will give so freely of these "supposed" gifts of consensus?

I'll tackle how we deal with deadlock in a moment.

Once you get through the BED steps, there are usually some details and delegations to be worked out. Since we are always trying to team build, we can find ways to give people responsibilities for contribut-ing to the family fun.

* Who will call to find out the pool hours?

* Who would be willing to load the car?

* Who can look after getting together towels for the group?

If everyone volunteers to do a little something to make the outing work, it truly feels like a family team working harmoniously towards a common goal. That swim will no doubt be fun, and fi ght-free. Th e closer-knit the family, the more likely even more co-operation will ensue at each subsequent meeting, since bridges are being built and bonds are growing richer.

At the next family meeting, people can share how they liked their time at swimming, and part of the appreciations can be about how everyone did their jobs to help the family.

Stage Two: Adding New Business: Tackling Bigger Problems After you've established positive expectations for family meetings and practiced the skills of problem-solving and reaching consensus on non-contentious issues, you are ready to tackle bigger issues.

Stage Two involves adding new elements to the meeting, including problem-solving issues your children need help with-NOT a problem you are having with your kids. We are still showing children 238 that these meetings are about them having a voice in the family and pus.h.i.+ng power away from the parental control they have come to expect.

These new business items might include things such as: Jack wants a pet goldfish; Trina wants to switch bedrooms with Melanie; Paul wants to sign up for karate lessons; and Jack wants to talk about getting more time on the computer for his games.

The same problem-solving steps and skills are used to solve these types of problems, so your Stage One practice will really pay off now.

Don't fret if you don't want Jack to have a pet goldfi sh. Remember, it's by consensus and you have a say too! However, just saying no is not advisable. Instead, share your concerns and rationale for why you think it's not a good idea. Let others try to resolve those concerns.

If Jack pays for the bowl, fish and fish food, and if he is prepared for what might be the short life span of a goldfish, what other concerns do you have? You can clearly state that while you won't "interfere"

with Jack getting a fish, you are unwilling to feed his fish or remind him to feed his fi sh.

Stage Three: Solving Those Intense Family Problems By now, your family should be feeling like a much more tightly connected team. You've been having a lot of family fun and also experiencing the empowerment of joint problem-solving. You're ready for the bigger issues. These issues are the ones most likely to polarize: sibling fighting, talking in respectful tones, curfews, homework and so on. Also, parents can now add some of their burning issues to the agenda as well.

The chairperson will have to be a.s.sertive in enforcing the use of the talking stick, and will have to work to keep people from rehash-ing or rekindling their fights at the meeting.239.

The past is not relevant. We don't care about past transgressions.

The chairperson need to focus on identifying and "naming" the problem that the group is being asked to solve. That can be a tough task. Consider this scenario: "I never get any help with cleaning the kitchen; we're supposed to work on it together, but Trisha is always on the computer trying to sneak onto her Facebook account-that Mom said she is NOT allowed to have-before Mom comes home and catches her."

"Well, I would help if you weren't such a slacker yourself!"

The chairperson replies, "So, the problem we have to solve is what to do when you're supposed to be working together and the other person is unwilling to help or do their share?"

The chairperson works to restate the problem without naming names, taking the issue outside of the personal realm. Notice that tattling didn't work?

If the fight continues and the girls add, "You never let me on the computer after school, so when do you think I'm supposed to be on it, loser?" the chairperson can keep order by pointing out, "It sounds like sharing computer time is another problem we need to address. We can write that down as a separate item, but for now let's stick with the one issue we already have on the go."

I think you can see why it helps to build up to these types of meetings.

In the example above, the girls brainstormed solutions and they decided that for a week they would try doing their ch.o.r.es not 240 as a team, but alone on alternating days. When the meeting came around the following week, and they reviewed old business, both girls shared that they didn't like working alone. Having experienced the alternative, both were motivated to work together, and the fi ghting stopped.

WHAT INTERFERES WITH MEETINGS?.

The family meeting can be a hotbed for misbehavior. Th e whole family is gathered with Mom and Dad's full attention; it's a good place to enact the dysfunctional dynamics in the family. If we are wise to this phenomenon, we can actually use the family meeting as a therapeutic tool to bring about change.

Once family meetings are fully up and running, we actually have two separate goals, as parents, that we must keep in our mind. One is to discuss where we want to go for family fun, and if a goldfi sh is a good idea, etc., but the second goal is to deal with the interactions between people that sabotage the family; we need to fi nd those "teachable moments" in the meeting. Expect meetings to sometimes go "badly," and remember that the most emotionally charged meetings are full of teachable moments.

"If there are any ills that democracy is suffering from today, they can only be cured by more democracy."

-New York Governor Al Smith (1923) USING THE FAMILY MEETING TO BENEFIT.

THE ATTENTION-SEEKING CHILD.

What do you expect your little attention-seeker to do at the family meeting? Squirm in his chair, be the family filibuster, act silly . . . if Chapter Eight 241.

we are wise to this, we can use the family meeting to provide positive attention.

We can ask him to do important jobs, like preparing the popcorn for the meeting, calling people together when the time comes to start the meeting, and pouring and serving drinks.

Not surprisingly, your attention-seeker may require a longer turn on the talking stick. That's okay, so long as he's not fi libustering.

You can ask him for his thoughts more frequently, and thank him for his great contributions and ideas. You can also show appreciation for his patience while allowing others to speak and for being an attentive listener.

You might invite him to sit beside you and make extra eff orts to touch his leg or rub his shoulder. If he fidgets, disrupts and distracts, let him know that he looks bored and restless, and remind him that he is free to go if he doesn't enjoy the meeting. It's not mandatory to stay. However, if he does stay, you'd like him to remember others'