Sexy: Behind The Lens Part 20

"Jax, I don't feel that way at all. I don't at all think of you as a dirty secret. I can't even believe you would think that way," I say, now feeling hurt.

He stops at a light and turns to me. "I realize you don't want our relations.h.i.+p to hurt your career, but f.u.c.k, how are we supposed to make it work if you hide it?" he asks.

I twist my hands together, looking down at my lap. "I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say. I'm not embarra.s.sed to be with you. s.h.i.+t, have you seen yourself? I just don't want to be judged," I confess.

He shakes his head and takes off way too quickly when the light changes. "You'll always be judged, I'll always be judged. When you're in the spotlight, that's what happens. You need to learn how to deal with it because we don't stand a f.u.c.king chance if you don't," he harshly says.

I know he's right, but I don't want to be judged. I don't want people thinking I f.u.c.k my models.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It's something I need to work on," I quietly say.

He glances at me, and I already see the change.

"Look, I know this isn't easy. You broke all your rules for me; without trying to sound conceited, I'm popular. I understand you being nervous, but you can't say you love me and then act like we're only friends when people are around. I don't work that way. I already told you, what we have is not like the f.u.c.king around the rest of them do," he says blowing out a breath, and I reach over, resting my hand on his leg. He looks down at it before glancing at me.

"I get it, all right? It was f.u.c.ked up of me, and it's something I need to work on. I'm sorry I made you feel like s.h.i.+t, it was not my intention. You're right, it's not easy for me, not when I've believed one thing for so long, but I won't do that again. I do love you, and I never want to do something to hurt you," I explain.

He brings down his hand and links our fingers together. "I love you too, baby. I just don't want anything to stand in our way, because it's going to come out, and when it does, I want you to be able to hold your head high and say f.u.c.k you, we are in love. I'll tell you right now, that's what I'll be doing," he says.

I smile and look at him, hoping that it's a long way down the road before that happens.

After the shoot and the argument, Jax showed me just how much he loves me a few times, and once this morning. He left to go to the gym before getting ready for his guys' night out. I got ahold of Brinley, and we made plans for the girls to come hang out here for a few hours for some food and drinks. That's what we're doing now, getting drunk.

"Kallie, come on, give us just a little something," Nora begs. Right, and they're all trying to get me to talk about s.e.x with Jax.

"All right, all right," I say. They all turn to me with smiles on their faces. I get a huge smile and giggle a little. "You b.i.t.c.hes should be jealous, that's all I'm saying."

They all moan, and I get hit with a few pillows while I crawl in a ball to avoid the barrage, laughing.

"s.h.i.+t, we really need to head out, guys. I have a shoot in the morning," Brin says.

d.a.m.n, I hate for them to leave; we were having such a good time. It's been way too long since we all hung out like this. I understand though, we all have such busy lives. They all toss back the rest of their drinks while Nora calls a cab to come get them.

"I had a great time tonight. We definitely need to do this again soon," I say.

Jackie puts her arm around me, and I lay my head on her shoulder.

"We definitely need to get together more. I miss you guys, but tonight was f.u.c.king awesome. Hopefully I'll be able to get a booty call in too," Nora says.

I laugh at her and look over at Brinley. She shakes her head, letting me know she hasn't been with anyone, and I smile.

Once they all leave, I change out of my clothes and climb into bed in just my bra and panties. I can't even be bothered to get my pajamas on. I'm tired and pretty drunk. I lie down and check my phone to see if Jax texted me. Nothing. I'll admit I was hoping to hear from him at some point. I talked to him before he left, and I even texted him a picture earlier, but nothing back. I put my phone on my nightstand and roll onto my side. My bed definitely feels empty without him. I reach out, feeling the empty spot, and fall asleep shortly after.

I wake up to my phone ringing. I look at the time and see it's only six in the morning. I groan and feel around for my phone. When I find it, I hit talk.

"h.e.l.lo?" My voice is groggy with sleep so I clear my throat.

"d.a.m.n it, Kallie. I've been trying to get a hold of you," Jax says.

I sit up quickly and realize I'm still in bed alone.

"Jax? What's wrong?" I ask, knowing from his voice it's something.

He blows out a breath, and my heart starts pounding in my chest.

"Baby, it's time to say f.u.c.k you," he softly says. I feel like the wind is knocked out of me. Oh G.o.d, no. I kick the covers off me and rush to my computer. It doesn't occur to me to even check my phone, I'm so nervous. "Kallie, you all right?"

I'm breathing heavily while the computer loads. "I don't know."

I'm sure that's not what he wants to hear, but I honestly don't know. I sign into Facebook, and it is all over. Pictures of Jax and me at the club, kissing, when he picked me up on the dance floor, when we leave holding hands. Pictures of us out to dinner, pictures of just Jax, just me. Comment after comment. No wonder Kallie Gregory gets all the good models, she f.u.c.ks them.' Jax Burke has lowered his standards.' Photographer using s.e.x to land big models.' I see I have seventy-two inbox messages, and I'm terrified to look at my email.

"Kallie, baby? Talk to me," Jax whispers.

I feel my stomach turning, the comments, the photos, and I just let the phone slip out of my hand and smash to the floor. This is it. This is my biggest fear. Nothing will ever be the same. I'm finished.

Chapter Eighteen.

Jax As soon as I got home last night, I had every intention of taking a cab to Kallie's. I decided to go for a smoke first, and that's when Blake and Max came outside telling me I had better check Facebook. As soon as I pull it up and see the pictures of Kallie and me, I know she's going to freak out.

"f.u.c.k," I mumble.

I don't even bother checking anything else. I close it and call her. It's late, after three in the morning, but I don't care. It keeps ringing and goes to voice mail. I don't know if she's ignoring me or sleeping. I call her over and over, never getting an answer. I wanted to drive over and pound on her door, but I figured I should wait.

"Jax, it's going to be fine, brother," Blake says.

"I know that, you know that, Kallie is not going to know that. She's been dreading this, and now that it's happening, I don't know what the f.u.c.k will happen," I say lighting another cigarette.

I keep calling her and nothing. She texted me earlier, I should have f.u.c.king checked my phone then.

"You know she's probably sleeping. You're getting all worked up for nothing. Maybe she won't even care," Max says.

I don't even acknowledge him. I open Facebook back up and start reading. The comments are f.u.c.king horrible. They all making her out to be a s.l.u.t, sleeping with all her models.

"Yeah, you know what, Max? After she reads this s.h.i.+t, she won't care," I say, unable to stop looking now.

Pictures of us in the club, out to dinner, and even ones from tonight out with the guys. Those are the best, people saying she dumped me, and I was out to mend my heart. Unf.u.c.kingreal.

Max and Blake stayed with me all night until I finally got a hold of her. They went inside, and I tried breaking it to her as lightly as possible. I could hear it in her voice, the fear, but I stayed on while she read it all. I heard the sound of the phone hitting the floor, and my heart sank.

That was three hours ago. I've been trying to get a hold of her since with no luck. I'm minutes away from driving over there, but to be honest, I'm still buzzed. I haven't slept yet, and it's making it worse. I've smoked almost a pack of cigarettes and been pacing the patio. Blake comes out and hands me a cup of coffee.

"Thanks," I say and take a sip, willing it to sober me up.

"No luck getting a hold of her?" he asks. I shake my head and sit down next to him. "Why don't you let me take you over there? I won't come in. I'll wait in the car. She probably needs you right now. I sure as f.u.c.k know you need her."

This is why he's my best friend. He's not always the douche bag he acts like.

"I just need to shower." I get up and head to the door. I glance back at him drinking his coffee and grin. "Blake." He turns his head. "Thanks," I say and he nods.

After my shower and convincing myself that I'm over-reacting, we get into Blake's black Ford F250 pickup.

"You know, it's not as bad as it looks. Personally, I think you should just ignore it all," Blake says, glancing over to me.

"Not a chance. I'm going to make a video post and tell them all that I'm in love with her," I say.

He nods his head, grinning. "Kinda romantic of you, declaring your love to the world like that," he says.

We both laugh, and I'm finally starting to feel better. Maybe it's because I'm going to see her, or maybe it's because I'm finally starting to not feel drunk. Either way, I have a feeling things are going to be just fine.

We pull up to her place, and I look at Blake. "Thanks, brother. If she doesn't want to kick me in the nuts, I'll text you and let you know. If she does, well, I'll be back soon," I say and open the door.

He grabs my arm, stopping me. "I know I gave you a hard time about this, but I want to see you guys make it. Don't let her kick you to the curb without a fight," he says.

I nod and get out of the truck. I take the stairs and make my way to her door. I try the handle, just in case, but for the first time, it's locked. I knock and stand there with my heart beating so hard I can hear it in my ears. I knock a few more times before I finally hear the door being unlocked. She opens it, and my heart starts to bleed. Her hair is wild, makeup running down her face from crying, a blanket draped over her shoulders, and when she glances up at me, the sadness I see on her face is enough to make a grown a.s.s man cry.

"Kallie. Oh G.o.d, baby," I say, going in to hug her, and she steps back.

"I just can't right now, Jax. I need time," she whispers.

I grab a hold of the trim above the door and try to calm myself down.

"You need time for what?" I ask. She shakes her head, focusing on the ground. "Why are you making this worse?" she mumbles.

Making it worse, is she f.u.c.king kidding me?

"I'm making this worse? Don't you think you're being a little dramatic here? I told you our relations.h.i.+p was going to come out. This shouldn't be a shock to you. You pus.h.i.+ng me away isn't going to fix anything," I say, a bit harshly.

She snaps her head up to me. "You think I'm being dramatic? Your fans are telling me I'm a s.l.u.t. The only reason I got you to shoot for me was because I suck good d.i.c.k. That I am a wh.o.r.e, a s.h.i.+tty photographer, that you can do so much better. My name is all over social media. They're tras.h.i.+ng me, tras.h.i.+ng my business. I've had three models cancel on me already today. So f.u.c.k you if you think I'm being dramatic, because I think I'm dealing with it a h.e.l.l of a lot better than most people would," she yells, choking back a sob, and I can't take it.

I drop my hands and grab her, holding her close. "I'm sorry, baby. I'll fix it all, but don't shut me out now," I breathe against her.

She melts into my arms, and I feel like I've gotten through. I kiss the top of her head, and it's like I pulled her out of her trance. She shoves at my chest, trying to get out of my hold.

"I can't do this. You need to go," she angrily says.

I hold her closer. "Look at me," I gently say. She lifts her head, sadness. .h.i.tting me in the chest. "This isn't over. I won't let you give up on us. I told you it would be hard, but I need you to fight for us too."

She shoves my chest, and I let go. "Just go," she yells.

I nod my head and take the two steps out to the hallway. When I start to turn around, she quickly closes the door. I walk down the hallway, and when I get into the stairwell, I punch the wall, over and over. The brick wall splits open my knuckles, and I feel the blood running down my hand, but I don't give a s.h.i.+t. I hit the wall a few more times until the pain is so severe I can't take it. I thought it would take the pain away from my bleeding heart, but it didn't.

"f.u.c.k!" I yell, holding my hand to my chest and go outside.

Blake is standing by his truck smoking, and when he sees me, he throws it and runs over.

"Holy s.h.i.+t, what the f.u.c.k happened?" He tries to check my hand, but I push him away. "Jax, what did you do?" he asks frantically.

"Well, let's see. Kallie thinks this is all my fault. It's already cost her jobs. She doesn't want to see me, so I punched the s.h.i.+t out of a wall, hoping it would take the pain away. Let me tell you, brother, it doesn't, it only makes it worse," I hiss, walking over to the truck and opening the door, climbing up in it.

I pull my s.h.i.+rt off and wrap it around my hand so I don't get blood on his seat. He gets in and pulls out of the parking lot without saying a word. I'm grateful because I don't feel like talking-not when the best thing that has ever happened to me is broken, and I can't do s.h.i.+t to fix it.

We don't say anything on the ride home, and when we get there, I go right into the bathroom and wash my hand. My knuckles are swollen and shredded, just like my heart. I go into the kitchen and get some ice. I put it into a towel and hold it on my hand. I sit at the table and light a smoke. I need to figure out a way to fix this for her, even if she doesn't take me back. She took a chance on me, broke all her rules for me, the least I could do is fix it. I just need to figure out how. I rest my head down on the table for a second before lifting it to take another drag.

"You want to talk about it?" Brody asks, sitting down and handing me an ashtray.

"How the h.e.l.l did you find out?" I ask.

He glances behind me, and I turn to see Blake.

"He called me," Brody says.

I stare at my brother and realize I've turned into him. Blake was right. It may not have happened because of cheating, but I still ended up with my heart broken. Just like Brody.

"This is fixable, Jax. You need to give it time," he tries to rea.s.sure me.

I put out my cigarette and shake my head. "I don't have time," I say, getting up and going to leave the kitchen.

"Don't do this, Jax. You'll look back and f.u.c.king regret it. If you love her like you say you do, put up a fight," Brody calls after me.

I shake my head and go to my room to try to sleep. I close the door and kick off my shoes. I climb into bed, and within seconds, I fall asleep.

I open my eyes and it's dark out. I reach over, feeling for Kallie, and then it hits me. It wasn't a dream. I sit up and my hand is throbbing. I pick up my phone, checking the time, and I can't believe I slept so long. It's almost nine o'clock. I've never felt so broken before, not even when my parents left or when Brody got his heart smashed. I don't think there has ever been a time in my life that I cried; nothing has ever hurt enough. When I feel a tear run down my cheek, I realize this is the lowest point of my life.

I wipe my face and go take another shower. I refuse to sit back and let this ruin me...ruin us. I get out and throw on my favorite black t-s.h.i.+rt with a skull on it that says, 'Live or Die.' Pretty fitting for how I feel right now. I put on my jeans, dry my hair with a towel, and go out to the living room. Blake is watching TV and turns to me when I walk out.

"How are you?" he asks.

I grab a water out of the fridge and sit next to him. "f.u.c.king horrible, but I'm not the guy who's going to stay down. I'm going to f.u.c.king fight, because I told her I would," I say.

He smiles and nods his head. "Now that is the Jax I know. What's the plan?"

I tell him exactly what I'm thinking, and the more I talk, the more excited I get. If this doesn't work, well then, I'll need to figure out a plan B.

The next week, I stay off social media completely. I saw enough to know it will only make me hit another wall. Brody and Blake haven't left my side. As nice as it is, sometimes I just need to be alone. For the final part of my plan, I've decided to take a ride up to the park Kallie found. It's the perfect spot, and this way, I get to be alone for a while.