Waterhouse And Zailer: The Carrier Part 35

"You were there?" Jesus Christ, did "FATHER" kill Jason in front of his own daughter?

"Course I was there. I begged him to stay out of it-Lisa did too. He ignored us both. Said he was doing it for me, but I didnt want him to. No one cares what I want-ever. No one listens!"

I stand and watch helplessly as she works herself up into a state.

"I dont want my dad going to prison, Gaby! Another innocent man in prison-I dont want that!"

"What do you mean 'another innocent man? If he killed Jason-"

"Killed Jason?" Lauren laughs bitterly through her tears. "He didnt. Hes saying he did, the f.u.c.king . . . stupid lying b.a.s.t.a.r.d! Havent you been listening?"

I freeze, my breath suspended in my chest, Laurens words going round in my mind. Yes, Ive been listening. But not understanding. Not until now.

Course I was there. I begged him to stay out of it.

"You begged your dad not to take the blame," I say.

Lauren nods frantically. "At first he was on about burying the body-that was okay, I was all right with that. But then he started saying Id worry myself sick if Jason stayed missing for long, wondering if he was dead, and some s.h.i.+t about turning himself in sos the police dont suspect me. Dont ask me what the f.u.c.k he was on about!"

"Did he mean that was what he told the police?" I ask. Thats the only way it makes sense.

And it can only mean one thing.

"Its f.u.c.king daft if you ask me," Lauren says. "I wasnt worried, was I? I knew Jason was dead."

She doesnt get it. No surprise there.

"And you knew who killed him," I say. "Who killed Jason, Lauren?"

"Me! I killed him!" Her voice rocks as if someones shaking her body.

"Did you . . ." My throat closes on my words, choking them off. "Did you do it because of what he did to me?"

"No. Not everythings about you, you know. I did it for Francine, and Kerry-and for me, mainly, because I was f.u.c.king sick of the b.a.s.t.a.r.d, all his s.h.i.+t Id put up with for years. Maybe a bit for you," she adds grudgingly. "You were the lucky one last Friday-I got the worst of it in the car, once hed finished with you."

"What do you mean you killed him for Francine? She was dead long before last Friday night."

"Nothing," Lauren mutters.

"Revenge?" Its a guess, nothing more.

For Francine, and Kerry.

"Did Jason attack Kerry?" I ask.

Lauren stares at me as if Im insane.

"You said you killed him for Kerry."

She looks as if shes considering denying it.

"Please tell me, Lauren."

She sits down on the bed. Her legs, in black jeans, look like two thin pipes. Im surprised she managed to stand on them for so long. Im amazed Im still standing on mine.

I have an idea. More of a superst.i.tion, really. Not based on anything solid. If I sit down next to her on the bed, sh.e.l.l start to talk.

Worth a try.

She looks at me oddly. Shuffles to one side, putting more distance between us. "When we got home on Friday, after . . . When we got back, Jason went upstairs, locked himself in the bathroom," she says. "Walked straight past Dan and Kerry, really ignorant, like they werent there. I knew he wasnt going to be out for at least half an hour. Kerry asked me if I was all right. I must have looked a bit off. You know when someone asks if youre all right and its just the worst f.u.c.king thing they can ask?"

Yes. Know it well.

"I couldnt hold it in, Gaby. I went to pieces, told Kerry everything: what Jason had done to you, forcing me to watch. Look, I thought you were a sn.o.bby cow in Germany, I wont pretend I didnt, but you didnt deserve that. Ah, you should have seen Kerry, Gaby. She was in pieces, hearing that had happened to you, but what could she do?"

I flinch. She could have contacted the police. She didnt. Because Jason Cookson knew the truth about who killed Francine, and keeping that truth hidden was more important to her.

So that Tim would stay in prison. So that he and I couldnt be together, now that Francine was dead and he should have been free.

"Seeing Kerry like that, I couldnt stand it," Lauren sobs. "Shes always been good to me, and there she was: a wreck because of Jason, my husband. I had to do something, didnt I, to put things right? It was my fault, everything. What he did to you was my fault."

"No, it wasnt, Lauren. How? You couldnt have stopped him."

"Youll hate me if I tell you."

"You tweeted for help." Later I will thank her. I cant bring myself to do it now.

"Youll think Im an evil b.i.t.c.h and you wont forgive me," she insists.

"Forgive you for what, Lauren? Yes, I will. Course I will."

She covers her face with her hands. "I said the only thing I could think of, to make him angry with someone else, not me. He found out Id gone away without telling him. I did that whole lying thing like you said, about being sick at my mums, and then my d.i.c.khead dad went and ruined it all, mouthing off to Jason about me being stuck in Germany, so of course he phones me! I was at the airport, waiting to board the flight Dad had booked me on. 'I know where you are, he says. f.u.c.k, I nearly had a heart attack and dropped dead on the spot, I swear. Id never lied to him before-I wouldnt dare. And then hes like, 'What the f.u.c.k, youve gone to f.u.c.king Germany and told me youre at your mums? I dont even know what I said to him, I was that panicking. I started on about wanting to see you because of all this s.h.i.+t with Tim, not that I was ever going to do anything or tell you anything, I just-" She breaks off, shakes her head.

There are so many questions I want to ask, but Im afraid to interrupt her.

"Jason starts yelling his head off: how f.u.c.king mental am I, and what do I think Im playing at, why cant I keep my nose out? How can he ever trust me again? He wanted to know what Id told you. I was in bits. I had to tell him Id not said a word about Tim or Francine. When Jasons in that mood, you tell him what he wants to hear, whatever, doesnt matter. Being honest, I didnt give a s.h.i.+t about Tim or you, or even Francine, soon as I heard his voice. I knew he was going to go off on one cause Id lied-worse than anything Id had from him before. For Jason, thinking Id ever hide anything from him or sneak around behind his back, thatd be his worst nightmare. I had to think of something."

I still cant see where shes going with this. What will I never forgive her for? "So you told him . . . what?"

She swears under her breath, almost reverently. The way some people pray. "What you said about how you were going to become a lesbian in the middle of the night. If we shared a bed."

"What?" My voice rings in my ears. Shock comes out as a hollow laugh. A lesbian? This is the very last thing I expected her to say. Then I remember. "Lauren, I didnt say I was going to become a lesbian. You thought I was coming on to you? I was making a joke."

Her features have set in a stubborn expression. "You said you might turn into a lesbian," she insists. "Why would you say that if you didnt mean it?"

"Jesus, Lauren, f.u.c.king . . . Is that why you ran away?" I cant believe this. I cannot believe it.

"One of the reasons. Im not into anything like that."

"Neither am I! I was joking. You were worried about us sharing a bed. I said, 'Dont worry, even if lesbianism overpowers me in my sleep, my good taste will protect us both. Or words to that effect."

"Yeah, and now youve just said it again! Youve admitted it."

Oh, G.o.d.

I take a deep breath. "Lauren. What I meant was, even if I suddenly became a lesbian-which never happens to any sleeping heteros.e.xual woman, by the way . . . That was the bedrock of my joke, that absurd hypothetical premise." Seeing her puzzled frown, I say, "Oh, forget it! Look, my point was: even in the unlikely event of it happening to me, I wouldnt try my luck with you because I would be a lesbian with good taste. I wouldnt fancy you."

"Oh. Right." Hurt flickers across her face. Now she understands.

"Lauren, Im sorry. I was in a foul mood and I shouldnt have taken it out on you. Tell me what you told Jason. Word for word."

"Ive told you!"

"You told him I threatened to . . . what, molest you? Have my wicked way with you?"

"Yeah! Thats what I heard," she says tearfully. "How was I supposed to know you were just being a b.i.t.c.h as usual, saying you wouldnt s.h.a.g me even if you were . . . like that? I told him Id been straight up about that not being my cup of tea and you said you were going to . . . whatever it was that you said. Overpower me in the night."

"No. Just . . . no." Im shaking. Trying to understand why this makes it so much worse. The needlessness of it. The stupidity.

"Im so sorry, Gaby."

"And thats why Jason did what he did to me? Because he thought I was some kind of s.e.xual predator, pursuing his wife?"

"I only told him because hes obsessed with it anyway: lesbians. Hes always asking me about my mates, even about Kerry-if any of thems ever suggested anything like that with me. Looking for someone else to take his anger out on, to put in his sick pervy fantasies. I didnt realize how far hed take it, Gaby, I swear. I thought youd be okay. Youre strong-not like me. And Id never seen it before, what he did. Its different when its you. You dont see it, do you? Not like watching, like when its someone else."

I stand up, walk over the window. I want to open it, but theres no way of doing that. Unopenable windows; every claustrophobically c.r.a.p hotel has them. Four floors down, an endless spool of cars loops round the roundabout. "Jason didnt attack me because I was asking questions about Francines death," I say, hoping that by speaking the truth aloud Ill be able to come to terms with it, make it part of a reality I can live with. "He didnt do it because he killed her and didnt want me to find out."

Its your fault, what he did to you. You made a cruel joke at Laurens expense. What goes around . . .

"He did it because hes a f.u.c.king pervert," Lauren says fiercely. "Always has been. Always been jealous as f.u.c.k too. I used to like it, first few months. I thought, All this fuss over me, until he turned nasty with it. He didnt give a f.u.c.k if Francine lived or died, didnt care who got sent down for her murder as long as his life carried on like normal. He liked having the power over us all: 'I keep the secret, youll do whatever I say."

"Jasons dead. You dont have to keep any secrets anymore."

Lauren sniffs. "Are you going to tell the police I killed him?"

"No."

"Why not? I want them to know. He deserved what he got."

I cant argue with that. "Do Dan and Kerry know you killed him?"

"Yeah. They wont say anything. Never do, do they? Stupid b.a.s.t.a.r.ds. Like me-were all f.u.c.king stupid!" Lauren shudders and pushes her fingers into the corners of her eyes. Tears spill over her hands, down her arms.

"Who killed Francine, Lauren? It wasnt Tim, was it?"

"No," she says scornfully. "I told you that the first time I met you. It wasnt him, but he told the police it was, and he wouldnt let any of us say different. He begged me. Kerry did too. Gaby, he got down on his knees, grabbed me round the waist. He was in bits. I couldnt say no, not after what hed done for me."

So Simon Waterhouse was right. "Tim wants to be in prison," I say, praying Ive misunderstood. "He wants to be convicted of Francines murder." Not to protect someone else. Hes pretending he killed her for no ones sake but his own. Taking advantage of someone elses crime, turning it to his own advantage.

Tim the opportunist. Yes, I can see that.

But why? For G.o.ds sake, Tim, or even just for mine-why?

I wonder how Francines killer feels about it. Does he resent Tim taking credit for his handiwork? Or is he-or she-relieved? Not many murderers are so lucky.

"Hes doing it for you!" Lauren blurts out. "All this is because of you, and you havent got a clue whats going on? Thats mad, that is."

"What do you mean?" How can it have anything to do with me?

"Why dont you ask Kerry? She knows. No ones told me f.u.c.k all-they all think Im stupid, like you do. You lot are all so clever-clever, arent you?" This is the voice she used with Bodo Neudorf at Dsseldorf Airport, the tone that made me dislike her instantly. "So clever, you think its okay for an innocent man to get banged up and a killer to walk around free! Thats not clever, thats all wrong, that is. I might not be clever enough to book my own flight to Germany, I might have had to get Kerry to do it for me, but I was the one who knew you were going there! If Kerrys so much cleverer than me, how come she believed me when I said I wanted to visit a mate? What mates have I got in Germany? No one! I wouldnt want any German mates either."

I want to shake her. "Whos walking around free, Lauren? Who killed Francine?"

"Dont ask me! I promised Tim Id never say anything, never. I promised Kerry."

"Lauren, you dont need to be scared of me."

"Im not scared," she fires back, insulted, wrapping her arms around herself for protection.

"I am," I tell her. "More than Ive ever been. But you dont need to be, not of me. I just want to understand. You read my letter. You know how I feel about Tim."

"Yeah." She sneers. "Thats how I felt about Jason when I met him. Thought the sun shone out of his a.r.s.e. Cant think about that now, or itll do my head in."

"What did Tim do for you?" I ask her. "You said, 'After what hed done for me."

"He knew about Jason. What he used to do to me. He . . . saw something. It was after wed been talking one time, me and Tim. Arguing. About Francine. We were losing it with each other, just the two of us in a room together, trying to keep our voices down so Kerry wouldnt come nosing in. Jason got the wrong idea." Laurens eyes widen. "It was the wrong idea, Gaby, I swear-theres never been anything like that between me and Tim. Between me and anyone! As if Id risk it, married to Jason. Kerry and Dan thought Tim ignored me because he was too much of a sn.o.b to bother with me, but it wasnt that-he knew Jasond take it out on me if he paid me any attention. Maybe on him too. That scared the s.h.i.+t out of him. Thats why he ignored me, to keep us both safe."

Shes looking through me, as if Im not here. Im afraid to move in case I interrupt her train of thought.

"I begged him not to tell Kerry and Dan, and he didnt. Theyd not have wanted Jason in the house if theyd known, and if hed lost his job, hed have been ten times worse. Most of the time I could keep him under control, no problem. I thought Timd be shocked but he understood. Said you never know what goes in marriages and its no one elses business."

Did you say that, Tim? How very f.u.c.king convenient. How respectful of Laurens privacy, to leave her in the clutches of a monster.

"What did you and Tim argue about-the row Jason overheard?"

"Tim heard me talking to Francine. I used to . . . you know, tell her stuff. About Jason, mostly. I couldnt tell anyone else, not without getting a load of ha.s.sle: why dont I leave him, why dont I go to the police, find myself someone better? Even you said it to me and Id told you nothing!"

Because youre so obviously the sort of woman whod waste her love on a man who doesnt deserve it.

Takes one to know one.

"I didnt blame you for saying it. Its what anyone would have said, except Francine: leave him, hes not worth it. Francine never said anything. She couldnt."

"You confided in her."

"Didnt matter what I said to her. She never said anything back." Lauren smiles. Her words are ambiguous but her expression makes it clear: Francines unresponsiveness was a point in her favor. The main attraction, even.

I remember thinking something similar on the coach to Cologne: that Lauren was so thick, it didnt matter what I said to her.