Baseball Dads: Sex, Drugs, Murder, Children's Baseball Part 36

For the second time that night, the limo came blazing full-speed to the valet stand and popped the curb. The battle-hardened crew exited the vehicle and made their return to the ballroom.

Dwayne and Estelle led the pack. They walked like they owned the place, almost strutting. When they reached the entrance, Estelle held Dwayne's tattered hand and kissed his bruised cheek. She placed Russ's gold aviator sungla.s.ses over Dwayne's swollen eyes.

"We need to be quick here," Tommy instructed. "Let's not draw any unnecessary attention to ourselves. We'll just grab-oh, Jesus-"

Tommy's advice was interrupted by a commotion that came from the dance floor.

The band was playing Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Steve was swinging his pants over his head, leaving his sagging tighty-whiteys exposed, while Jade emptied a bottle of champagne all over him. Judith stood behind him, slapping his wet a.s.s to the beat. Jade's dress was completely drenched and extremely transparent. A large circle of guests had formed around the three of them, clapping, both entertained and appalled.

Russ sprinted to the dance floor, sliding up to them on his knees while playing air guitar. The crowd went wild.

"I think we're going to need a Plan B," Kelly said to Tommy. "I'm not sure, but I think we've attracted attention."

Pastor Jim came rus.h.i.+ng to Dwayne's table in a huff. His wife, Janice, was in tow.

"I can't believe what I'm seeing, Dwayne," the pastor condescendingly stated. "You can clearly see that young woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s. And Mr. Winwood's underwear has fallen off twice now. This has gone on long enough. They are your guests, and you need to get them out of here."

"Are you kidding me?" Dwayne shot back. "This place sucked before we got here."

"So you're not going to do anything about this?" the pastor continued.

"h.e.l.l no, man. We f.u.c.kin' rule!" Dwayne grinned.

The pastor and his wife took off to the front desk. Seconds later, two security guards approached Russ, Steve, Jade, and Judith on the dance floor. Russ appeared to give them some difficulty at first, and then acquiesced to their requests and allowed the guards to escort them all back to Dwayne's table.

After the guards left, Russ leaned over to Dwayne and Tommy and opened his jacket. "Check it out, man. I got his Taser gun when he wasn't looking."

Dwayne and Tommy nodded their heads, impressed.

With the dinner and dessert plates cleared away, it was time for the main event-it was time for the auction to begin. The band faded their song and then played a short fanfare, a cue for the chairman of "Helping Hands for the Homeless" to take the stage. The chairman read from a long list, intending to recognize and thank every socialite on the large gala committee.

"This is a good time for us to leave," Tommy said.

The Jedi Alliance and their wives began to gather their things. They slammed their drinks and stood to leave, when one of the exotic animals up for auction caught Russ's eye.

"How much for the Wookie?" Russ shouted, interrupting the chairman's speech.

Everyone in attendance was silent, staring at the short fat guy in the "KRUNK" t-s.h.i.+rt with his belly hanging out.

"I'm sorry, sir, we haven't begun the auction."

"The Wookie," Russ shouted again. "I'm leaving, and the Wookie is coming with me. How much?"

The chairman looked over at the auction items.

"Are you referring to the orangutan, sir?"

"Orangutan, Wookie, what-the-f.u.c.k-ever, man. I gotta roll. How much?"

The chairman shrugged, looking around, hoping someone would step in. No one did.

"Fine. Fifty thousand dollars for the Wookie. Anyone else?" Russ yelled, holding a bidder badge in the air as a challenge to the other guests in the room.

No one budged.

"SOLD! To the guy who kicks so much a.s.s he has his own Wookie!" Russ said loudly, pulling out his checkbook and stroking a check for the full amount.

Russ stumbled between the ballroom tables and struggled as he climbed up onto the stage. He licked the back of the check and slapped it onto the chairman's forehead, where it stuck.

Russ jumped back off the stage and walked over to the orangutan cage. Everyone in the ballroom let out a collective gasp when Russ opened it and reached his hand inside. The orangutan accepted Russ's hand, and the two hairy friends walked through the crowd to the front door, where the baseball dads and their ladies waited.

As they neared the waiting limo outside, Russ leaned over to the orangutan.

"Hey, check this out," he whispered. Russ pulled out the Taser gun and showed it to the orangutan. The orangutan reached over and grabbed it, pointed it in front of him, and pulled the trigger. The p.r.o.ngs carrying thousands of volts of electricity shot out instantly, hitting Judith right between the shoulder blades. She dropped to the ground, convulsing. The orangutan began squealing with what Russ could only a.s.sume was laughter, causing Russ to laugh with him.

"Jesus Christ, Russ!" Steve yelled. "Not cool!"

Russ pointed at the orangutan and smiled, absolving himself of any responsibility. Steve and Dwayne frowned at Russ, walked to both sides of Judith, picked her up, and tossed her into the limo. The Jedi Alliance, now complete with their Wookie, finally made their escape.

"To Jenny Field, Uzi," Dwayne ordered.

Uzi drove carefully for the first time that evening. Judith had been so hammered from hard liquor and ecstasy that, when she regained consciousness, she had no idea she'd even been shot with a Taser. Everyone was laughing their a.s.ses off watching Russ try to teach the orangutan how to smoke weed. Dwayne removed his sungla.s.ses to wipe a tear from his eye, exposing his severely battered eyes.

"Jesus, Dwayne, what happened to you?" Steve asked.

"Oh, don't worry about it, bro," Dwayne replied. He'd forgotten that Steve and Judith were unaware of the slaughter that had taken place in the parking garage. Dwayne suddenly thought that it would be a good idea if Steve and Judith were dropped off at their house before heading to the ballpark. He didn't know how Judith would react, and Steve had almost cracked a couple of times already.

A look of concern swept over Steve's face. He was starting to get the idea that he was missing something. Something seemed wrong. "And what happened to your face, Tommy?" There was panic in Steve's voice. "Why did you guys change clothes?"

"Here you go, buddy," Russ said to Steve, holding a pill bottle out. "Have a little more ecstasy."

"What do you mean, more ecstasy?"

"Oh, nothing, just a figure of-"

Before Russ could finish his sentence, the orangutan s.n.a.t.c.hed the pill bottle from Russ and dumped the remaining tablets into his prominent ape mouth. He tossed the bottle out the sunroof, then looked at Russ and smiled.

"Oh, f.u.c.k," Russ said.

"Did that monkey just take ecstasy, Russ?" Steve demanded.

"It's a Wookie, Steve," Russ replied.

"Did that Wookie just take ecstasy, Russ?"

"Yes."

"How much?"

"A lot."

"Is he going to die?"

"I think we have to start considering that possibility."

"Oh, Jesus."

"I know," Russ said. "I was really starting to like him."

Steve was sweating and frantic, about to fully lose his s.h.i.+t.

And then it got worse.

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!.

"Oh G.o.d! Where the f.u.c.k am I? Somebody please let me out of here!"

The unexpected noise coming from the trunk gave everyone a jolt, especially the orangutan, which shot straight up and flew out of the sunroof. All pa.s.sengers turned at once to look out the rear window, where they saw the orangutan do several somersaults in the road behind them, jump up, and look around, then haul a.s.s over the guardrail and into the woods.

"How fast are we going, Uzi?" Russ called out to the front.

"Seventy-one."

"Jesus, that little guy is tough," Tommy remarked.

"Yeah, he's in for a rough night though," Dwayne surmised.

"Be strong, kid," Russ said solemnly.

Steve pulled himself close to Dwayne. "Do you want to tell me what the h.e.l.l is going on?"

"No, not really. I'd prefer we just dropped you and Judith off."

"Who's screaming in the trunk, Dwayne?" Steve demanded.

"I can't answer that, Steve."

"Why not, G.o.ddammit?"

"Because I'm not sure."

"Why aren't you sure?"

"Because there are five possibilities."

"What do you mean? How could there be ..."

Steve stopped quizzing Dwayne and slid back in his seat. He didn't want to hear anymore. Judith was still giggling, rubbing the felt ceiling, oblivious. The screaming from the trunk hadn't fazed her.

"Oh G.o.d! Help! I'm bleeding! Get me out of here!"

"Uzi, please turn up the music. Loud," Steve hollered. "And please drop Judith and I off ASAP."

"Relax, brother, everything is fine," Dwayne slurred.

"This s.h.i.+t's gone too far, man," Steve replied to his friend and hero. Steve suddenly felt stone-cold sober and wondered how he had become seduced by both Dwayne and the Jedi outlook. He felt betrayed by both. "This was just supposed to be about baseball."

"It still is, man. It still is."

Uzi dropped Steve and Judith off, and took Kelly, Jade, and Estelle home as well. Jade managed to convince Kelly that she couldn't be alone, so Kelly allowed her to stay at her place until the guys finished up at Jenny Field.

Dwayne took control. He told Russ to text Dave so that Dave could meet them at the ballpark.

RUSS:.

Meet me at Jenny Field ASAP.

DAVE:.

Why?