Baseball Dads: Sex, Drugs, Murder, Children's Baseball Part 52

"Just trying to be grammatically correct here, Todd."

"Oh, I see, you're like one of those freakin' grammar n.a.z.is on the Internet, huh? Well, let me tell you what you can-"

Estelle hit the television's mute b.u.t.ton. She nervously dialed Dwayne on her cell phone. He answered after one ring.

"h.e.l.lo, Sugarbuns! What's shakin?" Dwayne said. "Hey, I've been thinking about the baby ... If it's a boy, can we call him Skywalker? How cool would that be?!" Dwayne was speaking fast. The adrenaline was coursing through his veins.

"Honeyb.a.l.l.s, how fast are you driving right now?" Estelle asked, hoping against hope that somehow it wasn't Dwayne on the television.

"One hundred fifty-eight, cupcake t.i.tties, why?"

Estelle wanted to be more upset than she was, but she couldn't. "Just making sure that it's you I'm watching on TV, pulling an OJ."

Dwayne laughed, hit his joint, and turned the stereo down so that he could hear Estelle better. "That's awesome, babe. Great reference. So you can see me right now?"

"Yes."

"Sweet! Keep watching!"

Estelle watched as Dwayne leaned out of the driver's window of the Audi, pointed toward the closest news helicopter, and waved.

"You see that, Baby? I'm waving at you!"

"I see, honey. I'm waving at the television right now." A single tear of joy trickled down Estelle's face. She loved him so much.

"Awww, you're so cute," Dwayne said.

"Dwayne, you have like fifty cop cars behind you. Don't you think you should slow down and maybe consider pulling over? You have a baby on the way! I don't want anything to happen to you!"

"I know, Boogerbottom. I just wanted to go for a drive and listen to some music. It's not like I wanted all those cops to follow me."

"That's okay, b.u.t.terweenie, I understand. Pull over now, before something happens, okay?"

"Okay, Babynipples, I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

Estelle watched the television intently. After a few seconds, the Audi began to slow down, and several police cruisers pulled in front of it. He was instructed via megaphone to shut off his engine and step outside his vehicle. As the news helicopters circled the scene, Fort Worth's skyline could be seen in the background.

Estelle's phone rang again. It was Dwayne.

"Hey Cookienookie, I was just thinking. Can you go ahead and head down to the police station? I may need you to bail me out."

"I'm leaving now, babe."

Millions of television viewers watched the scene unfold on what had quickly become a national news story. There wasn't anyone in the entire country who didn't think Dwayne was at least a little bit of a bada.s.s as he stepped out from his $120,000 luxury car in full Batman regalia.

Dozens of officers approached Dwayne as he stood with his hands above the back of his Batman mask.

As the police closed in on him, Dwayne's phone quacked.

"Hang on, guys," Dwayne said to the cops. "I just got a text."

He methodically pulled his phone from his pocket with two fingers, making sure the police didn't think he was reaching for a gun. He looked at his phone. It was the text chain again.

RUSS:.

Are you guys watching the news? Some f.u.c.king guy dressed like Batman just led the cops on a chase from Fort Worth to Dallas and back!

STEVE:.

No s.h.i.+t! I'm watching it now! This is awesome!

DWAYNE:.

Can't text right now. Getting arrested.

TOMMY:.

Are you kidding me? Are you watching this? The guy is texting while the cops are yelling at him!

DAVE:.

Tv doesn werk.

RUSS:.

This guy has b.a.l.l.s! We've gotta meet this guy!

"Drop the phone!" one of the cops yelled at Dwayne. "Now!" Dwayne's phone quacked again.

"Hang on, sir," Dwayne said. "I apologize. I know it's rude to respond right now, but it's rude not to respond also. I'm in a real bind here. Just gimme a second."

STEVE:.

Oh man, this guy is so screwed!

RUSS:.

Look! He's reading his texts again! This guy is my hero!

TOMMY:.

Did you see him yelling at Cowboys Stadium? Oh man, that was priceless! I wonder what he said!

DWAYNE:.

I said Jerry needs to step back and actually let someone coach, and he needs to invest in a bada.s.s defensive coordinator and a young backup quarterback. Now, seriously, I can't text right now. It's p.i.s.sing the bacon off.

STEVE:.

Wait ... Dwayne?

RUSS:.

Whoa.