Almost Perfect Part 13

'Is that what's been different about the coffee?' Jack laughed.

Ianto snapped the elastic band off of a new batch of leaflets about an organic jam activity centre. He pinged the band expertly at Jack's ear. The Captain clapped his hands over the ear and gave Ianto a pout.

'G.o.d, you're moody these days you're not... at that time of the month, are you?'

Ianto stared at him, horrified. 'Oh. I hope not. Am I? How can I tell?'

'Wikipedia,' Jack tutted. 'Wikipedia.'

'It's just... Look, can we sort this out before I have to find out?'

Jack reached across the desk and took Ianto's hand. He led him gently back into the Hub. 'Come on. Ianto that ferry. What if you were on it? Gwen's going through the files, seeing if there's any reference to you. Think. Has it triggered anything? Is that little pill working?'

Ianto shrugged. 'Not really. Well, it is, kind of. I've been remembering working at a supermarket while I was at university. I can remember the prices of everything. From tinned peas to cereals. Every single brand. It's not terribly helpful, but it's allowed me to work out the true rate of inflation.'

'Can you remember anything more? Think. Ferry. Ever been on the ferry before?'

Ianto shook his head. 'No. The only time I took the Irish ferry was from Swansea when I was a kid. Mum drank two pints of Guinness on the way over and was sick and she clipped me over the ear when I laughed.'

'Thank you. That's charming, but not entirely helpful.'

'It was cold and windy, and they only had Panda Cola and I wanted a slush puppy.' Ianto's face took on a wistful glaze. 'And... ah.' His face lit up. 'The full range of alcopops and a quite unbelievable offer on c.o.c.ktail jugs. But I'm travelling on my own, and I don't like saying the names out loud.' He stole a glance at Jack. 'Some of them are quite frank, you know.'

'That they are. People who order s.e.x On A Beach have clearly never done it.' Jack cupped a hand to Ianto's cheek. 'Well done, Ianto. We've a recent memory. Anything more?' Jack had steered him down to the Boardroom. He signalled Gwen over.

Ianto's eyes started to cloud over just slightly, and a thought happened. 'I'm starting to remember something. Oh yes.'

'What?'

Ianto shuddered. 'Hen night.'

2. LUCKY DEBBIE'S DUTY-FREE PURSUIT OF LOVE.

IANTO IS HAVING A FLASHBACK.

It is last Friday night. Ianto is on a ferry. Ianto is alone at the bar. Ianto is a man. Which, at the time, isn't surprising, really. But thinking about it now... Anyway, he's there on the ferry, pulling out of Cardiff Bay, and there's a little cabin with orange curtains and a stranger snoring in the top bunk, so he's at the bar. He's asked them to make him a coffee to keep him alert, and he's not liking any of it. The beans were burnt, over-diluted, and it's been sat in the coffee-maker since February. He thinks he may stop being so silly. He's supposed to blend in, but here he is at the bar in a suit drinking coffee from a tiny cup and saucer and all around him is noise and formica and laughter and music from every nightmare wedding disco in his life.

He's keeping an eye out. Someone here. Several someones. Someone must be a patient. Someone must be ill. Does anyone look ill? Or out of place? Who are the patients? Who are the doctors? There's a hen night over there, dressed as nurses, but they've also got on devil horns, angel wings and some tinsel. Perhaps it's all a double bluff? Ah. Cunning.

He looks over at them a bit more. They seem happy and very drunk. They're all so young and so loud and keep yelling out for Lucky Debbie. He guesses Debbie is getting married.

'h.e.l.lo, sailor!' says a voice at his elbow.

He looks around. She's quite drunk but very pretty. And wearing L-Plates.

'h.e.l.lo.' He smiles.

'I'm Debbie,' she says. She's trying to attract the attention of the bored bar staff by waving a handful of notes.

'As in Lucky Debbie?'

She smiles. 'Yeah. And you?'

'Ianto. Not lucky at all, really.'

She makes a boo-hoo face at him. 'Well, we can change all that, you know. Clearly, I'm spoken for not that that's gonna stop me licking whipped cream off the nipples of a Chippendale tomorrow night but lots of my friends are... well, you know... Hen Night. Come on, join us. Hey!' This to a barman, who appears to be twelve and entirely covered in acne. 'Four jugs of Screaming o.r.g.a.s.m, One s.h.i.+tting Whippet, a rack of Zambucas and a pineapple juice.'

'Pineapple juice?' asks Ianto.

Debbie leans forward, a bit confidential. 'There's a reason why I'm Lucky Debbie. And a lot of it's to do with pacing myself when I'm around those screaming wh.o.r.es. G.o.d, we have a laugh, but sometimes it all gets a bit much. And when you've picked vomit out of your hair on the bus home once, it's kind of... a sign. You want anything?'

'I can be tempted.'

'Oh, then you'll love my friend Kerry. She's quite formidable when you first meet, but easier than a GCSE.'

'Ah. I see. Um. Just a diet c.o.ke please.'

Debbie laughs. 'Seriously? The booze is dead cheap on here. It's not like flying.'

'I know,' says Ianto. 'But, I'll let you in on a thing. I'm a secret agent for an organisation that's beyond the Government, above the UN. And I'm on a mission. So I'm not drinking, see.'

Lucky Debbie's eyes wander away erratically, watching the barman pour skimmed milk over a jugful of ice. The sound system starts to play 'You're Beautiful'.

'Awww...' says Debbie. 'I hate this song. But love it at the same time. You know what I mean? Like, I can't stand hearing it, but I would love someone to sing it to me. I tried explaining this to Phil. My Phil. Lucky Phil, if you like. But he thought I was asking him to do Karaoke. Sad, really. You know what I mean?'

Ianto nods, sipping gratefully at his drink. 'I dunno,' he says eventually. 'I've always had time for sincere music.'

Debbie tilts her head on one side. 'Yeah,' she says. 'Help us carry over these drinks and join in the party. With that suit they'll think you're a stripper.'

'Why thank you,' says Ianto.

Ianto doesn't know it yet, but he is being watched. He's trying to blend in, he's trying not to arouse suspicion, but he is. He noticed that there were two people standing in the shadows of the dock as he got aboard the boat. There was something odd about them. Two men, dressed like sailors out of a perfume commercial, just standing and watching people get on the ferry, smiling blankly.

Oddly, it's not them who are watching him.

Later, Ianto is sat at a table in the ferry bar. He's quiet, but he's watching the room. Around him are the girls. Including Kerry, who keeps giggling and nudging his arm, which just makes Ianto feel a bit bashful. He's sipping his drink, and he's watching the girls. They're having fun. Simple, really drunken fun. It's been ages since he's done this. He's feeling a bit... not left out. Just... sad.

He remembers the last time he went for an evening out. Tosh got tiddly and danced like a dervish. Owen tried not to break anything coming back from the bar with drinks. Gwen was laughing cos she'd recognised her first boyfriend from school ('b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l, he's gone bald!'), and Jack Jack had looked at everyone else in the room then suddenly, on a whim, turned to him and smiled the widest smile in the world. Then Tosh came staggering over, laughing out loud at the word 'Kajagoogoo'. She tugged at his elbow, insisted he dance.

But Tosh is gone now, and there's Kerry.

The bar staff are bringing more drinks to the table, somehow managing to keep the tray stable while the room tilts from side to side.

Ianto isn't feeling sick, which he finds remarkable. And Kerry keeps asking if he wants to dance. He carries on observing the room. An old couple come in and take a gla.s.s of wine each to a small table. He watches them. They're a possibility. There's another man sitting alone he's wearing a terrible jumper and drinking beer from a jug, so possibly Norwegian.

The girls all start to sing along to the music. Ianto thinks, 'I may be undercover, but no. There are some things I cannot do.' So, after a wan smile, he leaves them to sing about their umbrella.

The cold night air really, really clears his head. He takes a walk around, heading down a flight of stairs and into a long corridor. It's quite an old s.h.i.+p and there's a lot of it that's like his childhood full of browns and oranges and formica. There are lots of narrow pa.s.sages. It's an old Norwegian ferry, and so there are signs scattered around in English, Norwegian (he guesses) and Welsh. Apart from the bar staff, the crew are spookily absent, so there's no one to go up to and ask, 'Excuse me, have you seen any alien technology?'

He pa.s.ses a few doors marked 'Staff Only'. But they're not locked, and just lead to boring corridors without even lino. The s.h.i.+p is lurching alarmingly, and Ianto is finally feeling a bit sick. He can sense the sweat p.r.i.c.king under his clothes. He makes his way to a railing and breathes, breathes, breathes.

He's got a night on the boat, a day in Dublin, and then a trip back. What if it's all like this? It's oddly like an airport departure lounge at sea. Completely anonymous, faceless, the perfect cover. Everyone's a stranger, everyone's n.o.body.

He pa.s.ses a sign advertising events on the s.h.i.+p. It is, gloriously, an old-fas.h.i.+oned velveteen board onto which little gold block letters have been pinned haphazardly. It tells him that there'll be some poker in a function room. It mentions that there's a small private party for someone's wedding. It welcomes a car dealers.h.i.+p who are on a trip. And it says that the cinema, in addition to screening some films from last year, will be showing a 'health presentation' in an hour's time.

'Health presentation?' Bingo.

Back in the bar, appearing normal, Ianto sits down next to Lucky Debbie. She's singing merrily away, and pats him on the arm. 'You're gorgeous,' she says. 'Kerry really likes you.' She laughs, her breath rich with alcopop. She digs him in the arm. 'You can get a snog, cheer you up. Cure the seasick!'

'Can I?' Ianto says, trying to sound enthusiastic. Kerry appears to be asleep at the table, slumped face down in a cake, the tinsel from her angel wings hanging loose in the breeze.

'Yeah when she wakes up. Bless 'er. I'm having a great night. Are you?'

'Yes. Yes I am, thank you.' Actually, yes, I am. Hmm.

'Why are you on the boat? Business trip? A lonely travelling salesman?'

Ianto shakes his head. 'No. Like I said I'm a secret agent.' Lucky Debbie barks with laughter and clinks his gla.s.s. 'You're full of it. Bless, what are you like?'

'Well...' Ianto demurs. 'I did see that there's a seminar on health in the cinema in a bit.'

Debbie makes an exaggerated yawn. 'Right. And any minute now we've got a stripper booked if Kerry's organised it right. What'd you rather see? A film about vitamins, or an oiled stranger stirring your pint with his tackle?'

Ianto considers. 'Well, when you put it like that, I'd better just pop along and watch my vitamin film.'

Debbie laughs and nudges him on the shoulder. 'Stay a bit more, eh? Who knows Kerry may come round for a bit. Just one more pineapple juice. Stay...'

Ianto checks his watch.

Ianto walks into the cinema as the s.h.i.+p lurches quite alarmingly. He clutches at an old flip-down chair. He manages not to spill any popcorn as he sits down. He suspects that, just slightly, he might appear drunk and harmless. Or, as his auntie used to say, 'tiddly'. Good.

He sneaks a look around himself. There are a clutch of people in the cinema, which has thin carpets thick with chewing gum and a pervasive, cabbagey smell of popcorn. There is an old couple in a corner. They have brought notepads. There is a bored-looking girl in the second row.

A single man, very thin and quite yellow, is sat on his own, coughing slightly. A little away from him is a bald, fat, middleaged man listening to an iPod and laughing a bit too loudly.

Projected onto the screen are a series of slides advertising amenities on board, special offers at the bar, and a range of interesting snacks available. Music is playing (the theme from Van Der Valk Van Der Valk, on pan-pipes). There is an atmosphere of comfortable antic.i.p.ation. He notices the old couple keep squeezing each other's hands and bickering quietly. They remind him of his parents perfectly content in each other's company, pa.s.sing the days in a series of complicated little arguments and score-settlings. The old lady reaches over and adjusts her husband's s.h.i.+rt collar. She looks like the kind of woman ready to pounce on grandchildren with spittle and a tissue at the slightest hint of a stain. Ianto decides he likes them. What treatment are they here for?

He decides the thin, yellow man is dying probably of about five different things. Perhaps the oldies were just becoming forgetful, or hoping to keep rowing for a few more years. Perhaps the bored girl had just wandered in. The bald, fat man might be looking to lose weight and gain hair. Who knew?

But what about himself? Ianto tries to think of something important he could be in need of curing. Perhaps he could just claim curiosity.

Van Der Valk fades away and the slide of the Balti Buffet chunks off. There is a blue screen, a fizzing, and then, of all wonders, an old VHS tape projects into life. The picture crackles, crackles, wobbles and then slow tracking snow drifts down the screen. With an abrupt final crackle, the feature starts. For a brief instant, Ianto is in darkness and about to see Indiana Jones with his father sat on his right, a small bucket of popcorn balanced between them and an orange ice lolly melting stickily over his knuckles. fades away and the slide of the Balti Buffet chunks off. There is a blue screen, a fizzing, and then, of all wonders, an old VHS tape projects into life. The picture crackles, crackles, wobbles and then slow tracking snow drifts down the screen. With an abrupt final crackle, the feature starts. For a brief instant, Ianto is in darkness and about to see Indiana Jones with his father sat on his right, a small bucket of popcorn balanced between them and an orange ice lolly melting stickily over his knuckles.

The picture goes white, and a rea.s.suring logo of cupped hands rising up around a globe appears. Synthesised music swells out, a tune of energy and warmth that sounds just like (and yet, for copyright reasons completely unlike) the theme from Top Gear Top Gear.

A smooth voice pours over shots that track across an empty hospital ward, a crowded waiting room, and then through a garden where people of all ages walk in the sun. The tone is warm, upbeat and strident.

'Welcome to Hope. We've got used to living in an age of miracles. Where the cure for everything is just around the corner. But what if you can't wait until tomorrow? Well, we're here to tell you about how we can offer you the medicine of tomorrow today. This is not a trial. This is not a placebo. This is real hope, a real cure the stuff of dreams. What we are offering on this boat is not legal, but it is moral. We refuse to keep back a cure that works. This is not alternative therapy, homeopathy, or moons.h.i.+ne this is the real thing. We've worked on a genetic therapy that offers real, rapid repairs of your DNA...'

At this point the screen moves from sunsets and a hopeful woman boiling a kettle while staring wistfully out of her kitchen window to exciting computer graphics of spinning molecules and then some science stuff of cells dividing. Ianto frowns, and sneaks a glance around the cinema. He was right someone's come in. Standing at the back of the room are a man and a woman. Both of them startlingly good looking. They exude health, prosperity and well-being. Their arms are linked and they stand watching the screen with rapt, smiling attention. Ianto recognises the woman from the newspaper article. He immediately decides they are involved. The woman catches his glance and smiles at him. Ianto does what he always does when a beautiful woman smiles at him across a room. He blushes and looks away and feels about fourteen.

'... Our swift, non-invasive procedure is over in minutes, has no side effects, and the difference can be felt at once. We offer this treatment here on the Hope Boat as it is illegal in Britain. Rejected by the NHS as impossible to test and too expensive, we are only too happy to offer it here, in international waters. Simply sign up after this seminar, and a visit will be made to your cabin in the morning. Then, you can relax and enjoy a day's sightseeing on the Emerald Isle, followed by a revolutionary cure on the voyage back to Cardiff. It's that easy. And this treatment can work on all sorts of genetic ailments from simple male-pattern baldness all the way through to cancer. We can make you better. No,' a warm smile in the voice, 'we will will make you better.' make you better.'

The picture changes to a warmly setting sun watched by a couple on a beach. And then fades to black.

The lights come on, together with a slide advertising the wide range of gnomes available in the duty-free shop. People stand up. The old couple look at each other, and squeeze each other's hands. The beautiful people at the back have already left.

'Well,' thinks Ianto, munching on his cold popcorn, 'that was the fis.h.i.+est thing in the Irish Sea.'

'And then?' asked Gwen.

'I signed up, and had a lovely day sightseeing,' said Ianto. 'I think I took loads of photos on my phone. The weather was a bit drab, but the girls were great fun.'

'The girls? Lucky Debbie and Easy Kerry.' Jack's mockery was fond and only a little bit jealous. 'Let me guess. You went drinking?'

Ianto shook his head. 'Actually, we went to the zoo, a nice little tea shop, and Kerry found some rare editions she'd been hunting after for ages in an antiquarian bookstore.'

It's late afternoon in a Dublin pub with a great view of the rain. Ianto reels. Lucky Debbie grabs hold of him. 'Easy, tiger!' She ruffles his hair and helps him sit down. All around him, the wooden panels of the Dublin bar start to spin slowly.

Ianto shakes his head, and scowls. 'I'm tired.' He is much drunker than he intended to be.

Debbie grins and pinches his cheek. 'You pa.s.s out, and Kerry will pounce. I've experience of that girl. Don't give in to weakness.'

Ianto runs a hand through his hair. 'Debbie, I'm hammered. I'm trying to do really important work here, and my head's pounding. I have no idea what was in the meal we've just eaten, but three fingers of scotch aren't helping anything. I just want a nap.'

Kerry staggers back from the ladies, giggling. There is a small trail of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of her shoe. She sits down opposite Ianto with a whumpf! whumpf! and then pitches gently into an uneasy sleep on an open packet of pork scratchings. and then pitches gently into an uneasy sleep on an open packet of pork scratchings.

Ianto squints a little to bring the table into focus. Spread across it are the slumbering remains of Debbie's hen party. Through a forest of half-finished pints and abandoned pies he can see Debbie, who winks at him. 'You'll be fine, doll. What is this top secret mishun? You really a spy?'

Ianto shakes his head. 'Oh no. I'm just the office boy, really. But... you know... I'm keeping an eye out. For a friend. Well, not really a friend more a b.a.s.t.a.r.d, really. But he died. And it's easy to remember someone fondly if they're dead. Especially when they died twice, if you're counting. Twice dead b.a.s.t.a.r.d.' He giggles.

Debbie is nodding with the slightly gla.s.sy look of someone who isn't even listening.

Ianto ventures on. 'And Owen thought there was something wrong about the boat. And he was right I think there's some alien medical procedure taking place on that boat. And that's never good. And I'm supposed to stay sober on a mission. But then I think I'm being followed. So, I decide to blend in by getting drunk with you. Which may not have been the wisest thing. So it's Ianto Jones, secret agent, saving the Cardiff Ferry from an alien invasion, just a little bit legless. So yes, I guess in many ways it's oh dear.' He takes an ill-advised swig of his pint and grimaces. 'Oh, this is going down like sick.' He rests the gla.s.s on the table hurriedly. 'Anyway I'm very important. I'm saving Cardiff.'

Debbie nods again and pats his hand. 'Phil was s.h.a.gging Kerry a couple of months ago,' she says, quietly.

Many hours later, they stagger onto the boat for the journey back. Kerry is throwing up into a bin to the disgust of customs officials. Debbie has a spring in her step and flas.h.i.+ng plastic devil horns in her hair. Ianto is carrying a traffic cone.

He makes it back to his tiny little orange cabin and slumps down on the lower bunk, the traffic cone resting unsteadily by him. He sinks his head in his hands. 'I am so hammered,' he thinks sadly. 'I've had a brilliant weekend, clearly. I haven't let my hair down in ages. But I haven't really saved the world.'

He wraps his arms round the traffic cone, and settles down for a sleep. At no point does he even notice the envelope resting on the floor.

The knock on the door wakes him. It is night and the throbbing of the engines pounds in his head. 'Whu?' he manages, unsteadily getting to his feet. He is praying it isn't Debbie. Or, dear G.o.d forbid, Kerry.

Instead it is a small, dapper little man in a steward's uniform. He has a drooping orange moustache that makes him look pleasantly like Asterix. 'Sir,' says the man with the perfect English of a Norwegian. 'You are awaited in the Kielty cabin.'