Demonsense: Demon Master Part 31

"Oh Leander," she sighed. "I wish I weren't such a mess. I know I've been giving you mixed signals. Apparently I really excel at that. But I'm not doing it on purpose. Maybe if I weren't so tied up in knots about Daniel..."

"So you do care about me, just a little?" he asked with a pained smile.

"More than a little," she answered seriously. He hesitated, considering the best play, then lowered his lips to hers, kissing her softly. She stilled, then her lips parted, just slightly, and he took the implied invitation, deepening the kiss. A part of him felt it all the way down to his toes. Another part was standing back and watching, calculating the effect, judging when it had gone on long enough, finding that place where he would leave her wanting more rather than leave her feeling guilty about having given in to a need for comfort.

He pulled back, not having to fake his reluctance. "I can live with that, Bree. I know things are unclear with you and Daniel, and I don't mean to get in the middle of that, though obviously I have trouble stopping myself from doing just that. I do want you to know that I'm still here. I'm not saying I'll wait forever." He gave a short, hard laugh. "I think you know me well enough to know I'd be lying. I'm not that selfless. But I'll wait for a while. At least until after this thing goes down with Daniel and Marton. How's that for fair?"

"It's more than fair, more than I should ask. You really have been there for me, Leander, more than I deserve. I don't think I've treated you very well."

"I think you've been straight with me, as straight as you can be and still protect Daniel. I respect that. And," he continued, dropping her hand and getting to his feet, "I think it would be best if I got going. I only have so much self control, you know."

"Do you think it's safe for you to go out there?" she asked anxiously, rising to her feet as well.

"I'm sure the shooter gave up and went home for now. He'd know there was no way you'd leave your house again tonight. And there's been no sign of an attempted break in. I'm sure it's like I told you, he's not likely to come after you here. But I'm worried he could take another crack at you when you leave the house again. Probably not in broad daylight, but you never know."

"You know a little too much about how these people think," Bree told him.

"Ex Keltoi, remember?"

"What if you're wrong? What if he sees you leave and comes after me?"

Leander considered, then put his hand in his pocket and drew out his gun. Her eyes widened at the sight of it, and she turned and flipped on the light.

"Dear G.o.d, that is a gun. What are you doing with a gun?"

"Do I have to say it again? Ex Keltoi. I learned how to use a gun and got used to having one for personal protection. I don't carry all the time, but with what's been going on lately, it seemed like a good idea." He held it out towards her, and she backed away. "I don't know how to use one of those things. I'm not even sure I could shoot someone."

In the low light of the single lamp, it took a moment for Leander to make out the stricken look that had appeared on Bree's face. "What is it?" he asked.

Bree looked away from him, crossing her arms over her chest and pulling in on herself. Leander waited, but still she remained silent, so he prompted, "Come on, you can tell me, what is it?"

Tears started down her cheeks as she whispered, "I killed someone. I already killed someone, and I don't think I could bring myself to do it again."

Immediately, Leander had a pretty good idea what she was talking about. This was his original a.s.signment from Howard Scanlon, to find out if it was Bree or Daniel who had killed his son. He rapidly considered how best to get her to disclose more, and settled on the question, "How did it happen?"

Bree wiped at her face and replied, "It was when Daniel, Kevin, Steve and I were going in after Hunter. There was a battle with Daniel's ex, Franchesca, and Hunter's biological father, a guy named Scanlon. Franchesca and Scanlon were possessed. I tried a quick and dirty exorcism on Scanlon, and it forced the demon out so quickly that it burned him up completely. I didn't mean for that to happen, but it was my fault. If I had done it the right way instead of panicking, I wouldn't have killed him."

"Was he trying to kill you?"

"Not really, not in that moment. I had tackled him to prevent him from going after Steve, who was getting Hunter out of there. His demon started to try to get into me. It wasn't even really an exorcism. I just threw holy water on him and commanded the demon out. And that's when it happened."

And there it was, her confession. Bree could hardly be blamed, given that it was essentially an accident, but he suspected Howard Scanlon wouldn't see it that way. He'd have to work out later what to tell Howard. "So you were trying to defend yourself from a demon. Bree, surely you see that it was self-defense. If someone breaks into your house and starts shooting at you, you'll likely instinctively want to defend yourself again. There's nothing wrong with that. There's a reason it's not considered murder if it is self- defense. Now look, it's relatively simple." He moved closer to her, and she glanced at him, then at the gun in his hand. "This is the safety, and here's how you turn it off. See here, you pull back on this top part, and now it's ready to go. You point and pull the trigger. It'll jump hard in your hand, and it'll be loud, so be prepared for that."

"I doubt I'd be able to hit anything. I've never used a gun before," she replied softly.

"Look, it may be you just have to discourage them. If they think you'll shoot back, there's a chance they'll give it up, especially if it's Keltoi. For them, it's probably not personal. They just want a quick and easy kill."

"Yeah, but why? Why kill me?"

"I honestly don't know. Maybe to get at Daniel, to draw him out. That would be my best bet, given what you said about them kidnapping Hunter before." He put the safety back on and extended the gun, and after a long pause, she took it, looking at it uncertainly. She tilted it so she see the safety and fingered it. "Well, thank you for this."

"I hope it makes you feel safer. It's got a full clip, but I'm afraid I don't have any more on me. I'll bring more next time I see you, just to be on the safe side. And you should look into getting one of your own. It won't be quick if you're getting it legally, but if you're going to get in this deep, you should probably get a gun and know how to use it."

"I suppose you're right. I'm more comfortable with Casting, though."

"And were you able to cast while you were being shot at?"

"No," she admitted ruefully. "I was too busy running and hiding."

"Casting takes concentration. Shooting takes less." He moved towards the door, and she followed. "Look, I'll call you when I hear something. And answer your d.a.m.ned phone this time, okay?"

"Okay," Bree replied sheepishly as he faced her to say his goodbyes. She reached up and kissed his cheek, petting his hair as she did so. "Thank you for everything, Leander."

"You're welcome," he replied, and left. All the anger he'd come in with was gone, but his conviction that he needed to get away from Bree had only strengthened. He didn't wish her harm, not really, but he had no way to protect her. He doubted he could convince her to leave town, which was probably the only thing that might keep her safe. Even if he lied and told Scanlon that Thorvaldson had killed his son, there was every chance that Bree would try to get in the middle of the duel between Marton and Thorvaldson, in some misguided attempt to help Thorvaldson. And if she got in Marton's way, there was no hope for her.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE.

After several days with no call from Daniel, and after a morning visit to a recovering Kevin in the hospital, Bree had made good on her promise to call Gelsenim and allow a day long possession.

"So, can you be killed?" Bree asked Gelsenim as she double jumped two of his black checkers, winning the game. Gelsenim looked over at her, and Bree registered that she had asked a dangerous question. Having spent half a day with him making and eating breakfast together, then playing first cards, then checkers with him in his human form, she had gotten progressively more comfortable with him. He had exerted himself to be non-threatening, and the longer the possession lasted, the more animated, and human, he had become.

"It is not impossible for me to be killed," Gelsenim replied, and fortunately, he appeared thoughtful rather than angry. "Very, very difficult, I admit, but not impossible. This duel you wish to attend, between Daniel and Varga. There will be very powerful magic, binding and killing magic, in use. Even if you are willing to die in defense of your lover, are you willing for me to perish as well?"

"That's not an easy question to answer," Bree told him honestly. She settled back into her chair, then thought better of it. "How about we hang out in the living room and talk. I'm about done with the checkers."

Gelsenim inclined his head in agreement and followed her into the other room. She sat on one end of the couch, Gelsenim on the other. She continued on with her thoughts. "Obviously, when you're like this, when you manage to seem human, of course I don't want you to die. But you've said and done some awful things in your demon form, particularly when I've seen you possess others. I haven't forgotten that you intended to rape me when you possessed Daniel. I'm less concerned with risking you when I think about that."

Gelsenim averted his eyes. "I am sorry for the things I have done to frighten you, my host. The hunger has driven me to many evil deeds, I don't deny it. But consider." His posture straightened, and he turned to face her more fully, crossing his legs. "Today is the longest amount of time you have allowed a possession. The more time that pa.s.ses when we are joined, the further away those impulses seem. Right now, I have not the least desire to do you or anyone else any violence. I do not even feel excitement at the idea of the duel. I cannot tell you how... odd this makes me feel. It is, in a way, a familiar feeling, but one long lost to me. It is strange, but I like it."

Bree considered him. He had not given up his predilection for dated clothing, but today he was more casual, in a collarless white s.h.i.+rt, the few top b.u.t.tons undone, and buff tweed trousers with brown suspenders. There was a slight wave to his golden hair, which was a newer affectation. She couldn't detect any hint of demonic light in his eyes. She exerted her Demonsense to the fullest, and got only a flicker of reaction to his presence. As soon as she stopped straining for it, the sensation disappeared. It had been getting better over the course of the morning, and now it was entirely gone if she didn't focus on it. And she had to admit that she had sensed him relaxing in the last hours as well. She would be hard put to describe how she knew this. She supposed it had something to do with her Reader sense, or maybe it was just garden variety intuition. "You do seem more settled today," she admitted.

"Settled," he tried out the word, slowly. "Yes, I feel settled. More than that, I feel... happy. You make me happy, my host."

"A happy demon. Now there's a concept," Bree replied, feeling a combination of uneasiness and amus.e.m.e.nt.

"I am particularly enjoying this ability to make a physical form of my own. It is interesting to perfect this form. It is what you might call art."

"Well, you do manage to make yourself beautiful," Bree admitted with a reluctant smile. He was, too. His shoulders were just broad enough, his form muscled enough to prevent his flawless features from looking too effete. She felt like she'd watched him grow up. He used to appear younger, less formed, more shallow. Now that he made himself look closer to Daniel's age, his appearance was more overtly attractive to her.

"Am I too beautiful?" the demon asked with concern. "I could make myself less so if it would please you more. The features of his face started to waver in a disturbing fas.h.i.+on.

"No! Don't!" Bree commanded, hand up in a halting motion, and his features settled back into their original arrangement. "Really, Gelsenim, it works better for me if you can just keep to one form. It's unnerving to see your form change like that because it reminds me that you aren't human. And we humans have an instinctive fear of that which seems non-human."

Gelsenim smiled. "It is not problem to retain this form. I enjoy it also. But I can only promise to do so when we are joined. When we are not joined, I cannot always control my form. I feel a draw, a compulsion to take a fearful form. It is the form I have most used for centuries."

"Do you think Daniel's right, that demons take those forms because they have some sense of what would most frighten us?" She had probed this issue before, but not when Gelsenim was so coherent.

"I believe that to be correct," Gelsenim admitted. "I think my kind still has an inner striving to join with a host, to mold to the host in some way, so we seek inside the human to find a form to take. Yet the pleasure sensations of humans are not strong enough to feed us, especially when we have spent a long time in the between place, without sustenance. So we find the form that creates the most intense negative feelings in a human."

"Do you suppose all demons are capable of what you can do if they aren't hungry?"

"I think not," Gelsenim told her slowly, sounding reluctant to disclose his thoughts on this. "Especially not these new ones, those born of human hosts, grown from taint. But perhaps they could be made more tame. Have you found a way to feed other demons as you feed me?"

"No, I haven't. Frankly, what with all that's been going on, I haven't had time to work on the problem much. But I think you could help me, Gelsenim. I think we could help each other. This time with you, well, it's made me see that at least some demons have the potential for good. That is, of course, a.s.suming you aren't lying to me about being free of violent impulses." She regarded him narrowly, suspicion pus.h.i.+ng past her intellectual curiosity.

Gelsenim spread his hands, palms up, and smiled. "Do I look violent to you?"

"No, you don't, not at all. And that makes me nervous."

Gelsenim looked puzzled. "How can it make you nervous? I am doing my best not to disturb or frighten you. Am I failing in some particular?"

Bree huffed a frustrated sigh. "No, Gelsenim, you're not failing in any way. It's that you can be too good at seeming human. It makes me drop my defenses. I've never been more comfortable with you than I am right now, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I can afford to get comfortable with you."

Gelsenim s.h.i.+fted closer to her. "I want you to be able to trust me, my host. I want to be able to trust myself." He made a vague gesture with one hand, looking off to one side, appearing a little embarra.s.sed. "It is not just the lack of hunger that makes me wish it. This joining of ours. For me, it is... intoxicating. Feeling your mind, your feelings, the feelings of your body, as well as I feel my own." He looked directly at her again, and his voice was tentative, shy. "Could it be that I am experiencing love?"

Bree was completely taken aback. This was not the direction she expected the conversation to go. She wanted to push away the idea that a demon could love her, was even capable of love. But there was something so vulnerable in Gelsenim's expression that she couldn't just dismiss his question out of hand, so she made herself think about it. "Love is a mystery," she told him, thinking out loud. "I've never been able to figure out exactly why I love one person and not another, and I'm not just talking about romantic love. Take my friends.h.i.+p with Sophie. I can give you a list of the things I love about her: I love how nurturing she is, I love her practicality, I love how she will call me out when she thinks I'm wrong. Yet any another person might have the same traits and I wouldn't feel love for them. So I guess love is a feeling. There's some strange chemistry between two people that makes them enjoy each other more than they enjoy other people."

"I enjoy you more than I ever enjoyed a Seldenai host," Gelsenim said seriously.

"But I thought joining with me wasn't as good as it was with the Seldenai," Bree protested. "Haven't you told me that before?"

"It is not as complete, not as easy," Gelsenim admitted. "With the Seldenai, there was no thought needed to make the joining, no effort. Our essences were more blended. We became one thing, not two things. When I join with you, I remain separate. This makes me long to be closer, yet I find I enjoy this separateness as well. I like making this body, I like having a physical form that is my own."

"So you didn't have a physical form with the Seldenai?" Bree asked, her curiosity engaged again.

Gelsenim shrugged. "I could manifest physical phenomena separate from the body of my host. I think it would be what you call power, or magic in your world, this ability to take the components of the environment and bring them together in a new thing. We could make things together. We could make art. But these things were impermanent. And they were not of my making alone. This form is of my making."

"And yet, you started to make that form in response to something Daniel was thinking or wanting," she challenged. The demon had first taken this particular human form when Daniel was calling him before he met Bree.

For a moment, the demon appeared confused, then his expression cleared. "I remember now, that is true. But now I choose this form. I choose it to please you, but also to please myself. I choose it to make manifest my self. My self," he repeated, more slowly.

"Is this new, having a sense of self?"

"My self has been the hunger, only that, only appeasing that, for so long."

Bree would have said he looked sad as he said it. She chided herself for trusting her instincts, or her Reader sense, when it came to Gelsenim. She reminded herself that this could all be a manipulation. Wasn't that what Daniel was always saying, that more powerful demons could be manipulative? Yet wasn't that very manipulation a sign of intelligence? There was no question that Gelsenim had some form of intelligence, one very different from her own. When he was like this, questioning the nature of his existence, how could she doubt he was a sentient being worthy of her respect? And yet he had also committed murder and rape, and enjoyed it, for eons. He was, she realized with a flash of insight, very like Daniel: He was divided in two. There was his relentless hunger that brought out a terrible drive for violent experiences, and there was this incredible, almost impossible to comprehend intelligence, that made him capable of forming a complex, walking, talking, feeling physical being. How strange that she was again in the position of having to figure out how to heal a division of this sort.

Gelsenim continued as she thought, and his words brought her out of her reverie and very much into the present. "I have been thinking, my host. If this joining of ours is generating love, could we perhaps be mates?"

"Mates?" she repeated stupidly. Her thoughts ground to a halt, like a car whose engine had blown.

Gelsenim moved closer and raised his hands, gently framing her face in them. His hands were so warm, and he smelled like a man, with a spicy, clean, aftershave kind of smell. He looked into her eyes, and Bree looked back, trying to see something in them, something real. Looking for a person.

"You feel wonder. Confusion. You are curious," he said softly. "I feel everything you feel. What human mate could offer you that?" He lowered his lips to hers and kissed her, gently, questing, questioning, and at first, Bree allowed it, feeling somehow that she owed him this chance to experiment. And Gelsenim was right, she was curious. He kissed like an inexperienced young man. It was nothing like Seth's robust, joyful kissing, or Daniel's intense, focused kissing. Yet even as she had those thoughts, the kiss transformed, taking some of each of the styles she'd been remembering. In spite of herself, her body started to respond, and that made her panic. But she forced herself to push away gently. She was afraid of what the demon might do if he felt rejected.

Gelsenim drew away, and dropped his hands from her face to her shoulders. "I do not wish to hurt you, Bree."

His use of her name was a little startling, as he used it so seldom.

"I am far from the hunger right now. If you would but let me remain with you, you would have nothing to fear from me."

Bree s.h.i.+fted back, and Gelsenim let his hands drop away from her. "You say that now, but what happens when I go to help Daniel? If we're together when that happens, are you even going to allow me to leave? Are you going to try to take me over in an attempt to protect me? And what happens if I decide to risk both of us to save Daniel? And what if he tries to bind us in some attempt to protect me?"

Gelsenim's features went through a rapid succession of expressions. Bree couldn't tell if it was because he was experiencing many different feelings or because he couldn't settle on an expression to show her. "You are set on this course of action, my host. I feel it. I feel your love for Daniel as you think of it. It is akin to what I feel for you. And it is strange. When you feel it this strongly, I feel it too. This hasn't happened before. I feel as if I, too, wish to protect Daniel. But at the same time, I am jealous of this feeling. I wish you to feel it for me. I do not understand it, not at all."

Bree shook her head. "It sucks, doesn't it? We call that 'mixed feelings.' If you can feel what I feel, you know I have some mixed feelings about Daniel. I didn't know I could love someone so much who also scares me to some degree."

"Then there is hope for me," Gelsenim said confidently, so much so that an involuntary laugh was wrung out of Bree.

"You're sure of that are you?"

"I am sure of it, my host."

Before she could reply, her phone rang, and she scrambled off the couch to answer.

"Bree? It's Leander. Listen, I've got some information for you on when and where your friend can meet my friend."

So this was it. Bree felt lightheaded. Gelsenim's voice manifested in her mind, though he was standing right next to her. What is it, my host? What upsets you?

Leander has a locate on Marton. He knows when and where Daniel can find him. "Okay," she answered Leander slowly. "What should I tell my friend?"

"My guy and his girlfriend are planning on going to some kind of charity ball at the Asian Art Museum in Volunteer Park tonight. They should be able to meet up after."

Tonight. My G.o.d, so soon!

Perhaps it is better this way, Gelsenim replied. It is uncertain how long Daniel will remain undivided.

"Will there be, ah, other people that want to meet up?"

"Not as far as I know. Bree, I've been thinking I ought to go with you."

A rush of relief was followed quickly with doubt. She'd been swamped with nervousness and guilt for telling Leander about Daniel's hiding spell, and about Daniel's conviction that Leander was still Keltoi. It made perfect sense, of course. Sending in someone who couldn't be read, someone charming enough to finagle his way into their social group. But she'd concluded that if he was a Keltoi spy, he'd already know they wanted Daniel's hiding spell.

And yet she couldn't quite seem to doubt that Leander had feelings for her. h.e.l.l, she had a few for him as well. "If you're sure," she replied.

"As I can be." There was humor in his voice, and she could just imagine his rueful smile.

"When does the ball start?"

"At seven. Apparently, they moved the time up because of the midnight curfew."

"Why don't you pick me up a seven? That would get us there by seven-thirty, which should be early enough if they decide to just make a quick appearance, then leave."