The Disappearing Girl Part 1

The Disappearing Girl.

A Novel.

by Heather Topham Wood.

To the girls who've never felt beautiful.

Chapter One.

I began to lose pieces of myself over the winter break.

I had returned home from college to spend time with my mother and younger sister until the spring semester began in January. Christmas was a trying affair; only the second one our family had endured since my father died a year and a half earlier. His stocking still hung from the mantle, his armchair left empty while we opened gifts-and his ghost ever present.

My father's death left my mother with a permanent scowl etched into her flawless features. My mother was beautiful in a way that made strangers a.s.sume she was a famous actress or a world-cla.s.s model. Her hair was naturally dark with auburn highlights, and her eyes were the color of emeralds. Jaws dropped when it was revealed she was a housewife. Pitiful expressions betrayed their thoughts: what a waste of beauty.

My younger sister, Lila, and I were a disappointment to my mother because of our ordinariness. We both had straight brown hair and the same murky brown eyes as our father. No one stopped to compliment us on our stunning looks. Since middle school, boys would ask to come over to our house to glimpse my mother sunning in the backyard, clad in a skimpy bikini and rolled onto her back with the strings left untied. The boys' eyes would volley between my mother, Lila, and me, their thoughts leaking into their expressions: a beautiful mother didn't always guarantee a beautiful daughter.

Dad had always been our biggest advocate, shus.h.i.+ng my mother's criticisms and making outrageous claims about how Lila and I were the greatest beauties that ever graced the planet. I never realized how much of a buffer he was until he was gone.

I had my own personal countdown for when I'd be able to return to my college campus, because each day brought a new barrage of insults from my mom. I tried to sympathize; she was drowning in her own misery, but all I craved was an escape. My father was the one great love of her life and his death undermined her chance of ever being happy again. Although she ate up the attention other men gave her, my father was the only man that could melt her iciness. My father would tell us about how all the boys in their small hometown were too intimidated to ask my mom out on a date-the walls around her seemingly impenetrable. My dad may not have been the handsomest man to ever ask her out, but he was the most devoted and kind.

Like most nights before, dinner was a stilted affair. My father used to regal us with stories from work. He was a veterinarian, and his tales of the wild animals he saw from one day to the next would have Lila and I laughing so hard we would have difficulty swallowing our food. But after his death, suppertime turned into an opportunity for our mother to discuss our failures and how we'd have to rectify them in order to transform from the ugly ducklings we were into the beautiful swans she deserved.

"Did you receive your final grades for last semester?" she asked me as I took a bite of the salad she had prepared for us.

"Yes, I did fantastic. My GPA is three-point-seven." I allowed the pride I felt over my accomplishment to seep into my voice. My mother had inspired obsessive perfectionism when it came to my life, and her disappointment in my grades had promoted me from a B to an A student. I thought excelling in school would be enough for her.

But nothing was ever enough. Her reply was a dismissive nod. She used her napkin to daintily dab at the salad dressing at the corners of her lips. I could feel her evaluation move on to my outward appearance as her eyes swept over me. Her perfectly sculpted eyebrows shot up as I reached across the table for another piece of bread from the basket.

She said, "Kayla, you really need to start making more of an effort regarding your weight." She pressed her lips together and looked at me with unmasked distaste.

I looked to my sixteen-year-old sister for help, but she had her head down and was silently eating. I didn't blame her-it was tough to be the target of so much vitriol over the course of a single meal. The week before, Mom had Lila in tears, threatening to confine her forever if she didn't stop running around with a boy my mom deemed inappropriate.

I didn't reply to her remark, having learned there was no battle she couldn't win against me. I'd never be what she wanted. My only refuge was to attend school an hour away and return home only on the mandatory breaks. I was hoping to get my own apartment off-campus in the near future, which would allow Lila to visit me more often. I hated leaving her. Guilt would gnaw at me when I imagined what it was like when Lila was the only one around to suffer the brunt of my mother's reign of terror.

"Kayla Marlowe, I am speaking to you," my mom said with exasperation. "Have you been watching what you eat?"

I swallowed the snide remark on the tip of my tongue. My mother was obsessive when it came to our weights. She was a size two and I'd never seen her weight fluctuate. I was only five when Lila was born, but I couldn't even recall her being swollen with pregnancy. I imagined she popped Lila out of her womb and slid right back into her skinny jeans.

The answer was no, I hadn't been watching what I'd been eating. Going to college had been eye opening, and I hadn't been prepared for the freedom of campus dining after living under the strict regime enforced by my mother. My meal plan allowed me a certain amount of money each semester for food. But instead of getting small portions of salads, grilled meats, and steamed vegetables, I was permitted for the first time in my life to eat whatever I wanted without answering to my mother.

After overindulging in late-night snacks, impromptu pizza study sessions, and flat keg beer at fraternity parties, I'd gained at least twenty-five pounds. I didn't consider myself overweight, but my mom's constant criticisms ate away at my self-confidence. I was wearing mostly size ten clothing, but I felt obese by her standards.

I sighed. "I know you're permanently on a diet, Mom, but that's not me."

"It's your life, Kayla, but men don't typically want girls who let themselves go. Have you gone on any dates lately?"

Her words stung me, and she knew it. I hadn't dated anyone seriously since breaking up with my high school boyfriend before I left for college. My friends blamed my lack of a love life to my shyness; social situations left me uncomfortable, and I preferred observing from the sidelines. But once I got to know a person, I was able to open up.

I rose from my seat. "I didn't come home to hear your criticisms about my life. My weight has nothing to do with me being single."

Her eyes narrowed, her expression telling me she thought it was exactly the reason I was unattached. My mother's glare made me acutely aware of every bulge under my sweater and jeans. I threw my napkin down and stormed away from the table. I ignored Lila calling out my name as I grabbed my jacket and purse and rushed out of the house.

I hated deserting Lila, but I was angry at her for not jumping to my defense at dinner. We were supposed to be a team against my mom. Whenever my mom hara.s.sed my little sister, I attempted to put myself in the middle and stop the verbal abuse. Lila was more sensitive than me and p.r.o.ne to teary outbursts. It roused my protective instincts.

I had a tendency to process the pain privately. Even if I was falling apart inside, I pretended to be tough on the outside. But burying the anguish deep inside was getting more and more difficult each day. An explosion was on the horizon, and I wasn't sure I'd still be standing once it erupted.

When I peeled away from my house in my burgundy Jeep Wrangler, I was clueless about where to go. My friend Tami's house had always been a refuge after the many fiery arguments with my mom, but she was in Florida with her parents for the holidays. Although my school was in-state, my Trenton College friends were spread throughout the tri-state area. My roommate and best friend, Brittany, the only person besides Tami I confided in about my tumultuous relations.h.i.+p with my mom, was two hours north of my hometown of Red Bank.

Red Bank was a mid-sized New Jersey town minutes from the beach. Years ago, redevelopment efforts in the center of town revitalized the city by adding a large number of high-end shops and gourmet restaurants. I'd lived in the same split-level, four-bedroom house a couple of blocks from downtown since I was a baby.

The disruption at dinner made me realize I was hungry. In fact, all of a sudden, I felt ravenous. I parked my car in front of the twenty-four-hour convenience store and walked inside, zombielike. My objective was singular: eat.

Thoughtlessly, I roamed from aisle to aisle, grabbing whatever caught my eye. Boxes of doughnuts, candy bars, and bags of chips-the brightly colored wrappers looked inviting, and I reached for them like a lifeline. Soon, I was struggling to carry my loot and had to dump it on the front counter.

My face reddened as the dull-eyed cas.h.i.+er rang up my purchases. I was experiencing a kaleidoscope of emotions; I was giddy over defying my mother, but humiliated over my plans to eat my weight in junk food.

As I got into the Jeep and drove away, I felt my self-control slipping. Greedily, I reached for a chocolate bar from my spoils and clumsily tore at the package. I shoved a large piece into my mouth and barely had time to swallow before I was inhaling another piece. In seconds, the chocolate bar disappeared and I was licking the residue from my fingers.

But the chocolate bar didn't provide the fulfillment I was desperate for. Driving was getting in the way and I pulled to the side of the road to continue my binge unenc.u.mbered. My hunger felt animalistic, and I was devouring whatever I could get my hands on. Before long, I'd finished off three candy bars, a large soda, two bags of chips, three packages of TastyKakes and a half box of doughnuts. As if I had come out of a trance, I gazed around at the empty wrappers in horror. My stomach ached and the residual sugar from the snacks left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. While maneuvering the car away from the curb, I became panicked.

I sped home and ran into the house. Slamming the front door, I ignored my mother's calls from the kitchen. I took the steps two at a time to reach the bathroom in the upstairs hallway. I locked the door and turned on the faucet as far as it would go, hoping the sound would drown out the noise from inside the bathroom.

My fingers found their way into the recesses of my mouth. When my fingertips brushed the back of my throat, my gag reflex kicked in. The food slid easily back out the way it had come in and plopped into the waiting toilet. Throwing up once didn't purge everything inside of me and I repeated the process until I was dry heaving and there was nothing left to bring back up.

I flushed the toilet and sat on top of the lid. I didn't feel at all disturbed about what transpired. A part of me wondered why I wasn't hysterical and disgusted over what I had done. Instead, an eerie calm permeated through me. I hadn't only been purged of the food, but also of the awful feelings that plagued me since I fled my mother.

A knock at the door startled me. "Kayla, are you okay? I'm sorry about Mom."

My sister's lilting voice drew me out of my reverie. "I'm fine, Lila, I'll be out in a minute."

After was.h.i.+ng my hands, I dared a look in the mirror. My eyes were red-rimmed and gla.s.sy. The bitter stench of my own vomit polluted the air and my heart began to race as I worried about my family figuring out what I'd just done. My pallor grew and I took shallow breaths to alleviate the crus.h.i.+ng anxiety I suddenly felt. I asked myself, Who is this troubled girl?

Chapter Two.

At first, I convinced myself it was a one-time occurrence. Throwing up to get rid of my food was sick, and I wouldn't succ.u.mb to the pressure to take extreme measures to get thin. I knew binging and purging wasn't healthy, and there were better ways to control my weight.

For the rest of winter break, I ate like a bird during the day, relis.h.i.+ng the salads and raw vegetables that were plentiful at home. Diet soda and water were the only beverages my mom kept in the house; she avoided sugary soft drinks like the plague. Her health-nut lifestyle turned out to work in my benefit as I tried to slim down.

Then night would come, and my stomach would become dissatisfied with the slim helpings during the day. It would twist and beg to be fed something more than carrot sticks. I tried to distract myself, but nothing worked. Once my mother and sister were in bed, I'd leave the house on a mission for sustenance.

My car had become a safe haven for reckless eating, and I ate whatever I craved the most. Sometimes that meant ordering the entire dollar menu at McDonald's or grabbing a bucket of chicken from KFC. When I went into a feeding frenzy, I didn't have a chance to enjoy the taste of the food-it was more about getting the most food into my body as quickly as possible.

The purging became second nature. As I binged, I could feel the growing nausea threatening and the food begging to be released from my body. Although the aftereffects were unsettling-my eyes were bloodshot, and my throat ached-the emotional release I felt brought an overpowering sense of relief.

I was no longer comfortable in my own skin. When I undressed, I would stare at the flab on my body and feel compelled to shut my eyes to block out the source of my revulsion. Somehow, my mother's condemnations had snuck into my subconscious and altered my perception of myself.

My mom helped me load up my car on the day I was set to return to campus. Her piercing gaze softened as she gave me a quick once-over. "I've noticed how much effort you've put into your diet," she said. "It's really starting to show."

Two weeks of extreme dieting and a nightly ritual of vomiting had been what I needed to do in order to win my mom's approval. I couldn't even begin to psychoa.n.a.lyze what it meant.

I s.h.i.+fted uncomfortably and took notice of how my clothes were hanging a little more loosely from my frame. I had weighed myself in the morning and found I'd lost five pounds. The few pieces of size eight clothing I owned fit perfectly, and I hadn't bothered to pack the outfits I kept for my chunkier days.

Mom embraced me in an awkward hug, but I stood there stiffly, not sure what to make of the sudden impromptu show of affection. I hated that something inside of me preened from her sudden attention. I wanted to be stronger, not just happy that I'd finally done something she deemed worthwhile.

I was self-aware enough to know our relations.h.i.+p wasn't healthy. She wasn't the worst mother in the world, but her own personal demons prevented her from giving Lila and me the unselfish love we craved the most. Our father spoiled us. He teased us with that type of love before disappearing from our lives way too soon.

When my mother released me, I s.n.a.t.c.hed Lila up in my arms and hugged her as if our lives depended on it. I whispered promises into her ear and begged her to call me if she needed anything. I had the strongest impulse to steal her away and concoct an elaborate plan to smuggle her into my dorm.

Tears p.r.i.c.ked my eyes as I drove away from home. Lila and my mother stood side by side on the sidewalk, watching me leave. My heart ached for Lila, but a selfish part of me finally felt like I could breathe once again. I no longer had to go day to day and worry about whether I'd be the cause of my mother's everlasting discontent. I was going to be twenty-one the next month, but I was still controlled by my mother's whims.

Brittany had arrived first, and she met me outside. I double-parked so I could unload everything into our dorm. As juniors, we had preferred housing, and we lived in one of the three-story townhouses on campus. The townhouses were cl.u.s.tered in a large complex and housed juniors and seniors exclusively. Trenton College was small, with all the dorms and academic buildings within walking distance of one another.

Brittany had been my roommate since our freshman year, and we'd been inseparable since we met. I envied her fearlessness and her ability to feel comfortable being the center of attention. She was different from my bookish high school friends, but I liked the idea of living vicariously through Brittany.

Our floor had four single rooms, with Brittany and me sharing the s.p.a.ce with a set of twins named Danielle and Jessica. We'd grown close to the other girls since the last semester, and I'd kept in touch with them over break through email and texting.

Brittany said, "I'm so glad to be back! I swear, if my parents made me work at the restaurant one more time, I was going to lose it." Her parents owned a small Italian restaurant in North Jersey. According to Brittany, the tips were c.r.a.p and the customers were rude.

"I'm happy to be back, too. My mother was driving me nuts," I admitted.

"And how was Charlotte Marlowe? Did she go into a tizzy because she spotted a split end?" Brittany joked. Brittany had grown accustomed to the outrageous tales about my mother.

Brittany was naturally pretty, with short, curly black hair and dark eyes. Her Italian heritage rewarded her with a year-round tan and a metabolism that allowed her to seemingly eat whatever she wanted and not gain an ounce.

"No, but she hinted I was grossly overweight and would remain single forever because of it," I said.

"Your mother has issues." Brittany shook her head emphatically as she propped open the heavy aluminum door of the townhouse. I coasted by her carrying one of my suitcases and headed up the two flights of steps with Brittany following me. "Besides, you look amazing," she said. "You've definitely lost weight; I can see it in your face. Great job, Kayla."

I bristled at the compliment. I'd always found it exceedingly strange how easily girls judged and shared their a.s.sessments of one another's weight. But I couldn't claim to be one of the innocents; I'd stood by with my friends, listening while they dissected who had lost and gained weight over summer vacations.

Brittany's comment made me question how I'd looked before. Had I needed to lose weight? Is that why Brittany felt inclined to congratulate me on the weight loss? My paranoia set in and I wondered whether I had blinders on before and hadn't seen how heavy I'd become.

"Thanks," I mumbled as I unlocked my room and rolled the suitcase inside. My single was tiny, just enough room for my twin bed, desk, dresser, and nightstand. There was also a small closet where I was able to fit most of my clothing. A bathroom and kitchen in the common area was shared with the three other girls on the floor.

Brittany stood in the doorway. "How's your schedule? Did you get all the cla.s.ses you wanted?"

I nodded. Most of the cla.s.ses in my junior year were focused on the core courses I needed for graduation. I was majoring in journalism and looking to land a position on the campus newspaper, but nothing had opened up. In the meantime, I'd been publis.h.i.+ng web articles to build a portfolio I could use after graduation. The pay wasn't bad and the topics were easy to research. My mother didn't think I was cutthroat enough to be a journalist, and I sometimes wondered if she had a point. My pa.s.sion lied in sharing human-interest stories.

I asked, "What about you?"

Brittany was an elementary education major and would spend most of the semester student teaching. She wasn't exactly thrilled over the development since it would cut into her late-night partying. Besides frequenting fraternity parties, Brittany's twenty-first birthday in November allowed her access to the bars on and around campus. She had joked that she had a countdown clock for my upcoming birthday.

"Yes, I've received my student teaching a.s.signment. I'll be working with third-graders; kids are still pretty cute at that age, so I'm happy. Once they hit fourth and fifth grade, they begin to get whiny and annoying."

It was good to be home, I thought, as we caught up on what was going on in our lives. Maybe I could forget about winter vacation and get in shape the old-fas.h.i.+oned way. I had free access to a fitness center on campus, and I was certain I could find plenty of low-calorie foods to choose from at the school eateries. I knew I couldn't eat with abandon like before.

Although the compliments about my weight loss were off-putting, it was nice to be told I looked good. I'd never needed the validation before, but experiencing a taste of it made me crave it. I would use my perfectionist tendencies to turn my body into something beautiful.

Chapter Three.

My head was pounding the next day as I picked up my textbooks from the campus store. Brittany and I stayed up until after two in the morning, partic.i.p.ating in a gossip fest. The twins had arrived a few hours after I had settled in, and we got caught up with them. Danielle and Jessica were charming girls from Maryland, both amazing field hockey players. I found it very surprising the way they turned into savage beasts on the field, considering their normally laid-back personalities.

Brittany had picked up subs and bags of chips around midnight from the Wawa five minutes away from the campus. Although I'd made a pledge to eat healthier, it was hard to resist the temptation once the food was in front of me. It took all my resolve to not eat it, and I went to bed hungry. I decided to skip breakfast as well and instead set off for the bookstore to get everything I needed for my cla.s.ses, which would be starting the next day.

My messenger bag was laden with newly purchased textbooks as I cut through the Student Center. The Student Center had a large atrium in the middle, with couches and tables where people could study between cla.s.ses. The Student Center was the central building on campus and housed the bookstore, information desk, computer lab, and a sandwich shop. Student groups and vendors usually had tables set up along the walkways. Since it was the first week of cla.s.ses, the building was overcrowded.

As I walked toward the exit, a figure carrying a clipboard stepped into my pathway. I let out an annoyed breath and I knew I was in for a lengthy spiel. Getting accosted by overzealous vendors in the Student Center was commonplace.

"Hi there." The soft voice was male, with a deep timbre. I lifted my gaze to meet his and found a pair of electric blue eyes twinkling in my direction. His hair was medium brown, with lighter blond streaks that looked to come naturally from the sun. He had a mussed hairstyle going on that may have been unintentional, or could have meant he spent twenty minutes in front of the mirror to perfect the look. Since he stood a full head above my five-foot-three, his chin was tilted down to look at me.

"Good morning, would you be interested in signing up for a student MasterCard?"

I rolled my eyes. It wasn't surprising he was chosen for that particular job. A man as gorgeous as he was would have the girls lining up around the block to sign up for a new credit card. "No thanks."

I went to sidestep him and he shot me a disarming smile. His smile was s.e.xy, without any traces of smarminess. I found myself staring at his lips as he spoke.

"You get a free t-s.h.i.+rt and a coffee mug for just filling out the application."

"And in exchange I get a card with an outrageous twenty-five percent APR? I think I'll pa.s.s," I said dryly.

His smile grew bigger. "You can cut up the card if you get approved. You don't have to use it."

"I don't think I could withstand the temptation."