The Anything Box Part 1

The Anything Box.

ZENNA HENDERSON.

To all my friends who have spokenfor an Anything Box,but especially for R. G.who has no need of his now.

The Anything Box

I suppose it was about the second week of school that I noticed Sue-lynnparticularly. Of course, I'd noticed her name before and checked her outautomatically for maturity and ability and probable performance the way mostteachers do with their students during the first weeks of school. She hadchecked out mature and capable and no worry as to performance so I hadpigeonholed her- setting aside for the moment the little nudge that said, "Tooquiet"-with my other no-worrys until the fl.u.s.ter and flurry of the first dayshad died down a little.

I remember my noticing day. I had collapsed into my chair for a briefrespite from guiding hot little hands through the intricacies of keeping aCrayola within reasonable bounds and the room was full of the relaxed, happyhum of a pleased cla.s.s as they worked away, not realizing that they wererubbing "blue" into their memories as well as onto their papers. I was meditating on how individual personalities were beginning to emerge among thethirty-five or so heterogeneous first graders I had, when I noticedSue-lynn-really noticed her-for the first time.

She had finished her paper-far ahead of the others as usual-and was sittingat her table facing me. She had her thumbs touching in front of her on thetable and her fingers curving as though they held something betweenthem-something large enough to keep her fingertips apart and angular enough tobend her fingers as if for corners. It was something pleasant that sheheld-pleasant and precious. You could tell that by the softness of her hold.She was leaning forward a little, her lower ribs pressed against the table,and she was looking, completely absorbed, at the table between her hands. Herface was relaxed and happy. Her mouth curved in a tender half-smile, and as Iwatched, her lashes lifted and she looked at me with a warm share-the-pleasurelook. Then her eyes blinked and the shutters came down inside them. Her handflicked into the desk and out. She pressed her thumbs to her forefingers andrubbed them slowly together. Then she laid one hand over the other on thetable and looked down at them with the air of complete denial and ignorancechildren can a.s.sume so devastatingly.

The incident caught my fancy and I began to notice Sue-lynn. As Iconsciously watched her, I saw that she spent most of her free time staring atthe table between her hands, much too un.o.btrusively to catch my busyattention. She hurried through even the fun-est of fun papers and then lostherself in looking. When Davie pushed her down at recess, and blood streamedfrom her knee to her ankle, she took her bandages and her tear-smudged face tothat comfort she had so readily-if you'll pardon the expression-at hand, andemerged minutes later, serene and dry-eyed. I think Davie pushed her downbecause of her Looking. I know the day before he had come up to me, red-facedand squirming.

"Teacher," he blurted. "She Looks!"

"Who looks?" I asked absently, checking the vocabulary list in my book,wondering how on earth I'd missed where, one of those annoying wh words thatthrow the children for a loss.

"Sue-lynn. She Looks and Looks!"

"At you?" I asked.

"Well-" He rubbed a forefinger below his nose, leaving a clean streak onhis upper lip, accepted the proffered Kleenex and put it in his pocket. "Shelooks at her desk and tells lies. She says she can see-"

"Can see what?" My curiosity picked up its ears.

"Anything," said Davie. "It's her Anything Box. She can see anything shewants to."

"Does it hurt you for her to Look?"

"Well," he squirmed. Then he burst out. "She says she saw me with a dogbiting me because I took her pencil- she said." He started a pell-mell verbalretreat. "She thinks I took her pencil. I only found-" His eyes dropped. "I'llgive it back."

"I hope so," I smiled. "If you don't want her to look at you, then don't dothings like that."

"Dern girls," he muttered, and clomped back to his seat.

So I think he pushed her down the next day to get back at her for thedogbite.

Several times after that I wandered to the back of the room, casually inher vicinity, but always she either saw or felt me coming and the quick sketchof her hand disposed of the evidence. Only once I thought I caught a glimmerof something-but her thumb and forefinger brushed in sunlight, and it musthave been just that.

Children don't retreat for no reason at all, and though Sue-lynn did notfollow any overt pattern of withdrawal, I started to wonder about her. Iwatched her on the playground, to see how she tracked there. That onlyconfused me more.

She had a very regular pattern. When the avalanche of children firstdescended at recess, she avalanched along with them and nothing in theshrieking, running, dodging ma.s.s resolved itself into a withdrawn Sue-lynn.But after ten minutes or so, she emerged from the crowd, tousle-haired,rosy-cheeked, s.m.u.tched with dust, one shoelace dangling, and through somealchemy that I coveted for myself, she suddenly became untousled, undusty andun-s.m.u.tched.

And there she was, serene and composed on the narrow little step at theside of the flight of stairs just where they disappeared into the base of thepseudo-Corinthian column that graced Our Door and her cupped hands receivedwhatever they received and her absorption in what she saw became so completethat the bell came as a shock every time.

And each time, before she joined the rush to Our Door, her hand wouldsketch a gesture to her pocket, if she had one, or to the tiny ledge thatextended between the hedge and the building. Apparently she always had to putthe Anything Box away, but never had to go back to get it.

I was so intrigued by her putting whatever it was on the ledge that once Iactually went over and felt along the grimy little outset. I sheepishlyfollowed my children into the hall, wiping the dust from my fingertips, andSue-lynn's eyes brimmed amus.e.m.e.nt at me without her mouth's smiling. Her handsmischievously squared in front of her and her thumbs caressed a solidness asthe line of children swept into the room.

I smiled too because she was so pleased with having outwitted me. Thisseemed to be such a gay withdrawal that I let my worry die down. Better thismanifestation than any number of other ones that I could name.

Someday, perhaps, I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. I wish I had beforethat long afternoon when we primary teachers worked together in a heavy cloudof Ditto fumes, the acrid smell of India ink, drifting cigarette smoke and theconstant current of chatter, and I let Alpha get me started on what to do withour behavior problems. She was all raunched up about the usual rowdy loudnessof her boys and the eternal clack of her girls, and I-bless my stupidity-gaveher Sue-lynn as an example of what should be our deepest concern rather thanthe outbursts from our active ones.

"You mean she just sits and looks at nothing?" Alpha's voice grated intoher questioning tone.

"Well, I can't see anything," I admitted. "But apparently she can."

"But that's having hallucinations!" Her voice went up a notch. "I read abook once-"

"Yes." Marlene leaned across the desk to flick ashes in the ash tray. "Sowe have heard and heard and heard!"

"Well!" sniffed Alpha. "It's better than never reading a book."

"We're waiting," Marlene leaked smoke from her nostrils, "for the day whenyou read another book. This one must have been uncommonly long."

"Oh, I don't know." Alpha's forehead wrinkled with concentration. "It wasonly about-" Then she reddened and turned her face angrily away from Marlene.

"Apropos of our discussion-" she said pointedly. "It sounds to me like thatchild has a deep personality disturbance. Maybe even a psychotic-whatever-"Her eyes glistened faintly as she turned the thought over.

"Oh, I don't know," I said, surprised into echoing her words at my suddenneed to defend Sue-lynn. "There's something about her. She doesn't have thatapprehensive, hunched-shoulder, don't-hit-me-again air about her that so manywithdrawn children have." And I thought achingly of one of mine from last yearthat Alpha had now and was verbally bludgeoning back into silence after all mywork with him. "She seems to have a happy, adjusted personality, only withthis odd little-plus."

"Well, I'd be worried if she were mine," said Alpha. "I'm glad all my kidsare so normal." She sighed complacently. "I guess I really haven't anything tokick about. I seldom ever have problem children except wigglers and yakkers,and a holler and a smack can straighten them out"

Marlene caught my eye mockingly, tallying Alpha's cla.s.s with me, and I turned away with a sigh. To be so happy- well, I suppose ignorance does help.

"You'd better do something about that girl," Alpha shrilled as she left theroom. "She'll probably get worse and worse as time goes on. Deteriorating, Ithink the book said."

I had known Alpha a long time and I thought I knew how much of her talk todiscount, but I began to worry about Sue-lynn. Maybe this was a disturbancethat was more fundamental than the usual run of the mill that I had met upwith. Maybe a child can smile a soft, contented smile and still have littlemaggots of madness flouris.h.i.+ng somewhere inside.

Or, by gorry! I said to myself defiantly, maybe she does have an AnythingBox. Maybe she is looking at something precious. Who am I to say no toanything like that?

An Anything Box! What could you see in an Anything Box? Heart's desire? Ifelt my own heart lurch-just a little-the next time Sue-lynn's hands curved. Ibreathed deeply to hold me in my chair. If it was her Anything Box, I wouldn'tbe able to see my heart's desire in it. Or would I? I propped my cheek up onmy hand and doodled aimlessly on my time schedule sheet. How on earth, Iwondered-not for the first time-do I manage to get myself off on thesetangents?

Then I felt a small presence at my elbow and turned to meet Sue-lynn's wide eyes.

"Teacher?" The word was hardly more than a breath.

"Yes?" I could tell that for some reason Sue-lynn was loving me dearly atthe moment. Maybe because her group had gone into new books that morning.Maybe because I had noticed her new dress, the ruffles of which made her feelvery feminine and lovable, or maybe just because the late autumn sun lay sogolden across her desk. Anyway, she was loving me to overflowing, and since,unlike most of the children, she had no casual hugs or easy moist kisses, shewas bringing her love to me in her encompa.s.sing hands.

"See my box, Teacher? It's my Anything Box."

"Oh, my!" I said. "May I hold it?"

After all, I have held-tenderly or apprehensively or bravely-tiger magic,live rattlesnakes, dragon's teeth, poor little dead b.u.t.terflies and two earsand a nose that dropped off Sojie one cold morning-none of which I could seeany more than I could the Anything Box. But I took the squareness from hercarefully, my tenderness showing in my fingers and my face.

And I received weight and substance and actuality!

Almost I let it slip out of my surprised fingers, but Sue-lynn'sapprehensive breath helped me catch it and I curved my fingers around theprecious warmness and looked down, down, past a faint s.h.i.+mmering, down intoSue-lynn's Anything Box.

I was running barefoot through the whispering gra.s.s. The swirl of my skirtscaught the daisies as I rounded the gnarled apple tree at the corner. The warmwind lay along each of my cheeks and chuckled in my ears. My heart outstrippedmy flying feet and melted with a rush of delight into warmness as his arms- I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, my palms tight against the AnythingBox. "It's beautiful!" I whispered. "It's wonderful, Sue-lynn. Where did youget it?"

Her hands took it back hastily. "It's mine," she said defiantly. "It'smine."

"Of course," I said. "Be careful now. Don't drop it."

She smiled faintly as she sketched a motion to her pocket. "I won't." Shepatted the flat pocket on her way back to her seat.

Next day she was afraid to look at me at first for fear I might saysomething or look something or in some way remind her of what must seem like abetrayal to her now, but after I only smiled my usual smile, with no addedsecret knowledge, she relaxed.

A night or so later when I leaned over my moon-drenched window sill and letthe shadow of my hair hide my face from such ebullient glory, I remembered theAnything Box. Could I make one for myself? Could I square off this aching waiting, this outreaching, this silent cry inside me, and make it into anAnything Box? I freed my hands and brought them together, thumb to thumb,framing a part of the horizon's darkness between my upright forefingers. Istared into the empty square until my eyes watered. I sighed, and laughed alittle, and let my hands frame my face as I leaned out into the night. To havemagic so near-to feel it tingle off my fingertips and then to be so bound thatI couldn't receive it. I turned away from the window-turning my back onbrightness.

It wasn't long after this that Alpha succeeded in putting sharp points ofworry back in my thoughts of Sue-lynn. We had ground duty together, and onemorning when we s.h.i.+vered while the kids ran themselves rosy in the crisp air,she sizzed in my ear.

"Which one is it? The abnormal one, I mean."

"I don't have any abnormal children," I said, my voice sharpening beforethe sentence ended because I suddenly realized whom she meant.

"Well, I call it abnormal to stare at nothing." You could almost taste theacid in her words. "Who is it?"

"Sue-lynn," I said reluctantly. "She's playing on the bars now."

Alpha surveyed the upside-down Sue-lynn whose brief skirts were belled downfrom her bare pink legs and half covered her face as she swung from one of thebars by her knees. Alpha clutched her wizened, blue hands together andbreathed on them. "She looks normal enough," she said.

"She is normal!" I snapped.

"Well, bite my head off!" cried Alpha. "You're the one that said shewasn't, not me-or is it 'not I'? I never could remember. Not me? Not I?"

The bell saved Alpha from a horrible end. I never knew a person so serenelyunaware of essentials and so sensitive to trivia.

But she had succeeded in making me worry about Sue-lynn again, and theworry exploded into distress a few days later.

Sue-lynn came to school sleepy-eyed and quiet. She didn't finish any of herwork and she fell asleep during rest time. I cussed TV and Drive-Ins anda.s.sumed a night's sleep would put it right. But next day Sue-lynn burst intotears and slapped Davie clear off his chair.

"Why Sue-lynn!" I gathered Davie up in all his astonishment and tookSue-lynn's hand. She jerked it away from me and swung herself at Davie again.She got two handfuls of his hair and had him out of my grasp before I knew it.She threw him bodily against the wall with a flip of her hands, then doubledup her fists and pressed them to her streaming eyes. In the shocked silence ofthe room, she stumbled over to Isolation and seating herself, back to thecla.s.s, on the little chair, she leaned her head into the corner and sobbedquietly in big gulping sobs.

"What on earth goes on?" I asked the stupefied Davie who satspraddle-legged on the floor fingering a detached tuft of hair. "What did youdo?"

"I only said 'Robber Daughter,'" said Davie. "It said so in the paper. Mymama said her daddy's a robber. They put him in jail cause he robbered a ga.s.station." His bewildered face was trying to decide whether or not to cry.Everything had happened so fast that he didn't know yet if he was hurt.

"It isn't nice to call names," I said weakly. "Get back into your seat.I'll take care of Sue-lynn later."

He got up and sat gingerly down in his chair, rubbing his ruffled hair,wanting to make more of a production of the situation but not knowing how. Hetwisted his face experimentally to see if he had tears available and had none.

"Dern girls," he muttered, and tried to shake his fingers free of a wisp ofhair.

I kept my eye on Sue-lynn for the next half hour as I busied myself withthe cla.s.s. Her sobs soon stopped and her rigid shoulders relaxed. Her handswere softly in her lap and I knew she was taking comfort from her AnythingBox. We had our talk together later, but she was so completely sealed off fromme by her misery that there was no communication between us. She sat quietly watching me as I talked, her hands trembling in her lap. It shakes the heart,somehow, to see the hands of a little child quiver like that.

That afternoon I looked up from my reading group, startled, as though by acry, to catch Sue-lynn's frightened eyes. She looked around bewildered andthen down at her hands again-her empty hands. Then she darted to the Isolationcorner and reached under the chair. She went back to her seat slowly, herhands squared to an unseen weight. For the first time, apparently, she had hadto go get the Anything Box. It troubled me with a vague unease for the rest ofthe afternoon.

Through the days that followed while the trial hung fire, I had Sue-lynn inattendance bodily, but that was all. She sank into her Anything Box at everyopportunity. And always, if she had put it away somewhere, she had to go backfor it. She roused more and more reluctantly from these waking dreams, andthere finally came a day when I had to shake her to waken her.

I went to her mother, but she couldn't or wouldn't understand me, and mademe feel like a frivolous gossipmonger taking her mind away from her husband,despite the fact that I didn't even mention him-or maybe because I didn'tmention him.

"If she's being a bad girl, spank her," she finally said, wearily s.h.i.+ftingthe weight of a whining baby from one hip to another and pus.h.i.+ng her tousledhair off her forehead. "Whatever you do is all right by me. My worrier is allused up. I haven't got any left for the kids right now."

Well, Sue-lynn's father was found guilty and sentenced to the StatePenitentiary and school was less than an hour old the next day when Davie cameup, clumsily a-tiptoe, braving my wrath for interrupting a reading group, andwhispered hoa.r.s.ely, "Sue-lynn's asleep with her eyes open again, Teacher."

We went back to the table and Davie slid into his chair next to a completely unaware Sue-lynn. He poked her with a warning finger. "I told youI'd tell on you."

And before our horrified eyes, she toppled, as rigidly as a doll, sidewaysoff the chair. The thud of her landing relaxed her and she lay limp on thegreen asphalt tile-a thin paper doll of a girl, one hand still clenched openaround something. I pried her fingers loose and almost wept to feelenchantment dissolve under my heavy touch. I carried her down to the nurse'sroom and we worked over her with wet towels and prayer and she finally openedher eyes.

"Teacher," she whispered weakly.

"Yes, Sue-lynn." I took her cold hands in mine.

"Teacher, I almost got in my Anything Box."

"No," I answered. "You couldn't. You're too big."

"Daddy's there," she said. "And where we used to live."

I took a long, long look at her wan face. I hope it was genuine concern forher that prompted my next words. I hope it wasn't envy or the memory of theniggling nagging of Alpha's voice that put firmness in my voice as I went on."That's playlike," I said. "Just for fun."

Her hands jerked protestingly in mine. "Your Anything Box is just for fun.It's like Davie's cow pony that he keeps in his desk or Sojie's jet plane, orwhen the big bear chases all of you at recess. It's fun-for-play, but it's notfor real. You mustn't think it's for real. It's only play."

"No!" she denied. "No!" she cried frantically, and hunching herself up onthe cot, peering through her tear-swollen eyes, she scrabbled under the pillowand down beneath the rough blanket that covered her.

"Where is it?" she cried. "Where is it? Give it back to me, Teacher!"

She flung herself toward me and pulled open both my clenched hands.

"Where did you put it? Where did you put it?"

"There is no Anything Box," I said flatly, trying to hold her to me andfeeling my heart breaking along with hers.

"You took it!" she sobbed. "You took it away from me! And she wrenchedherself out of my arms.

"Can't you give it back to her?" whispered the nurse. "If it makes her feelso bad? Whatever it is-"