Not Just Friends Part 18

- You agree on what commitment and exclusivity mean.

- You can talk together about individual vulnerabilities and danger signs without defensiveness.

- You recognize problems in the marriage that could threaten your commitment.

- You show understanding for each other in everyday interactions.

- Your relations.h.i.+p is a priority that comes before everything and everyone else.

If you feel comfortable right now that your partner is not violating your trust, don't sacrifice the pleasure of today because of what might happen tomorrow. If you had a serious illness that was successfully treated, you'd be told the probability of a recurrence. If you were fully recovered, you wouldn't want to waste your healthy days preoccupied with the possibility of a relapse in one year, five years, fifteen years, or maybe never. As long as you're doing everything in your power to have a thriving relations.h.i.+p, you have to transform your suffering into appreciation for how far you've come. Worrying won't change tomorrow. It just takes the enjoyment out of today.

Ralph and Rachel were amazed at how happy they were after their recovery from Ralph's affair. Their older son was responding to Rachel's efforts to help him with his learning disability and was taking less of her time and attention. The boys teased their father when they observed how he continued to enjoy courting their mother. Best of all, both sons often talked to their friends about how much fun and laughter they had at home. They told each other that they hoped to have a good marriage when they grew up-just like their parents!

What Choices Does the Betrayed Partner Have?

You may have been dealt a hand you didn't choose. Almost everyone has been scarred to some degree by people and events that have treated them roughly, or even unjustly. The question is: What are you going to do now? Is the memory of your wound going to poison you, or are you going to find a way to use your painful memories to grow beyond the boundaries of your injuries?

Hopefully, the betrayed partner has been able to forgive and reconcile with the unfaithful partner. That is the preferred option. However, if your partner refuses to do what's necessary to rebuild trust, you may choose to do your healing alone. The next chapter discusses under what conditions you might be in the position of healing alone. Remember: you can forgive without reconciliation. In fact, it might be possible for you to forgive only after you have separated yourself from a destructive relations.h.i.+p.

15.

HEALING ALONE.

When I look back, I can't believe how hard it's been, and how glad I am to be where I am now.

AS WE'VE SEEN, couples who can weather the storm of infidelity together emerge stronger than before. But not every marriage will make it through the challenging steps that define the road to recovery. Regardless of whether or not they choose it, some people find themselves facing the future alone. It's a hard truth that it takes two people to make a marriage and only one person to make a divorce. There are many routes through infidelity that lead to divorce.

Sometimes the affair is an exit out of a dead marriage. In some relations.h.i.+ps, the infidelity is a graphic symbol of irreconcilable differences and serves as an announcement that the marriage is over. No amount of recovery coaching can restore shattered trust or refresh vanished desire. The affair is perceived to be "the last straw" for both partners, and so it becomes.

Sometimes unfaithful partners choose to leave for their lovers. They use the revelation of the affair as a springboard to leave the marriage. Once the story breaks, they're gone. They often cover up their real intention, which is to pursue the affair, by giving lame excuses such as "I need some s.p.a.ce right now" or "This isn't about you, it's about me."

Betrayed partners who are left behind are often ready to forgive and work through the problems but have no say in the matter. They were powerless to stop the affair, and they end up being powerless to preserve the marriage. Many are abandoned against their wishes and against their values. They may consider divorce unacceptable and be horrified at the thought of their children being raised without two parents at home. They have to live with the reality that they failed to keep their family together, despite how desperately they tried.

Being left peremptorily and prematurely can leave the betrayed partner with a number of unresolved issues. Psychologically, one of the greatest difficulties is the lack of closure. If the unfaithful partner left early in the aftermath of the affair, the betrayed partner may never know the whole story of what happened. The crucial steps of recovery-getting the facts, searching for meaning-are never completed. The one who is left must formulate the story alone, without the input of the central character in the drama. It's like trying to build a building without ever having seen a blueprint.

You may remember that Rachel blurted out to Ralph that it would have been easier if he had died. She meant that enduring his loss would have been easier than enduring his betrayal. She felt this way even in the face of Ralph's remorse and his commitment to stay and rebuild their relations.h.i.+p. Think about what it's like for those who are both betrayed and abandoned. They lose both their relations.h.i.+p and any conviction that their partner once loved them and cared about them.

Sometimes betrayed partners leave because they can't trust the involved partner to be honest or faithful. They know that as long as they are uncertain about these core issues, they cannot remain in the marriage. You may remember Thelma, who had ten affairs while she was married to Trent. After her last affair was exposed, she begged Trent for another chance. She said she would go to counseling and do anything he wanted to prove that she had stopped sleeping around. But Trent thought about all her infidelities and couldn't imagine ever being able to trust her. With unrelenting rage and profound sorrow, he filed for divorce.

Although Trent never wavered from his decision to divorce Thelma, it's not uncommon to hear from both betrayed and unfaithful partners that they live with a lingering regret that they might have done more to save their marriage. If only they had been more understanding, worked at it harder, stayed together longer ... They have discovered that being on their own is harder than they thought, and from this perspective, the insurmountable problems in the marriage seem more surmountable than they appeared at the time.

Sometimes one partner or the other gives up during the struggles of the recovery period. One partner may have begun the recovery process in good faith, intending for it to work, without the other partner's being fully on board. The less committed partner doesn't have the heart for the challenges of reconstruction. The marriage ends because one partner is too exhausted or too disillusioned to put it back together. In the end, he or she is not able to follow the trail of caring and honesty to the final reward.

Sometimes a separation is only temporary. It's worth remembering that even if a couple does separate, the final outcome is not necessarily a foregone conclusion. The separation may be a prelude to the final dissolution or, in defiance of the odds, may end up being only temporary. I have seen people surprise everyone, including themselves, by reuniting after a time apart-even after the divorce decree. Either they underestimated the depth of their attachment to each other, or the ones who left to be with their affair partners discovered that their "soul mates" had annoying habits, made stressful demands, and brought unantic.i.p.ated baggage. They find their new love to be an illusion, and the romantic bubble is burst. After that, the spouses may reconcile, falling in love again from an older and wiser perspective. I don't want to give you false hope, but it's never over till it's over.

I Never Intended to Be Just Another Statistic Very few people begin marriage thinking that they will end up being just another statistic in infidelity surveys or the rising divorce rates. Although the majority of marriages affected by infidelity do not end in divorce, the probability of divorce is significantly greater among unfaithful spouses. In my clinical practice, only 10 percent of couples separated when neither partner was unfaithful, but 35 percent of couples separated when there was an infidelity by one or both partners. Infidelity was the single most frequently cited cause of divorce out of forty-three causes in a study of 160 cultures by researcher Laura Betzig.1 Infidelity is more likely to lead to divorce when the unfaithful spouse is the wife. Annette Lawson found that women were likely to separate if they had only one liaison, but unfaithful men were unlikely to divorce unless they had a serious affair. Infidelity is more likely to lead to divorce when the unfaithful spouse is the wife. Annette Lawson found that women were likely to separate if they had only one liaison, but unfaithful men were unlikely to divorce unless they had a serious affair.2 In my clinical practice, couples were more likely to be separated at the end of therapy if: 1. The unfaithful partner did not end the extramarital involvement. In these situations, the betrayed partner may have asked the involved partner to leave, or the involved partner may have decided to ride off into the sunset with the affair partner.

2. The affair was a combined-type involvement with deep emotional attachment and extramarital s.e.xual intercourse. Wives' affairs were more often combined-type involvement.[image] Percent of clinical couples who separated, according to which spouse was unfaithful Percent of clinical couples who separated, according to which spouse was unfaithful 3. Both spouses had experienced extramarital involvement. Forty-nine percent of the marriages ended when both the husband and wife engaged in an extramarital relations.h.i.+p.

4. Unfaithful wives were younger than thirty-one years old. Young wives in childless marriages appeared to use affairs as an exit out of a marriage that appeared to be a mistake.

5. Unfaithful husbands in long-term marriages described their affairs as more emotional than s.e.xual. Men whose affairs were primarily s.e.xual seldom chose to leave.

6. Commitment to working on the marriage was low at the beginning of therapy. Involved spouses who were not committed to do everything possible to save their marriage were more likely to drop out of therapy quickly and leave the marriage.

Therefore, no matter how hard you may have worked to save the marriage, if your partner was unwilling to end an affair in which there was a deep emotional involvement, you were fighting an uphill battle.

The Hard Adjustment Individuals adjust in many different ways to the ending of a marriage, just as they vary greatly in their reactions to discovering a partner's infidelity. How difficult it is for you depends on a whole host of personal, social, and financial factors. But no matter who you are, going from being married to being single is a tremendous adjustment. Even people who had a miserable marriage and wanted to leave do not slide seamlessly into an unmarried state. At the very least, being alone is unsettling and unfamiliar. Most likely, there is an emotional legacy of anger and sadness that lies heavy on the heart.

The Unfairness of It All One of the most difficult things betrayed spouses have to deal with is the apparent injustice of it all. They've been hurt, and there doesn't seem to be any rest.i.tution or compensation for their suffering. Although they perceive themselves as having been loyal, supportive, and giving throughout the marriage, they may have to endure unfair disparities between their circ.u.mstances and their ex-partner's. Number one on the list is that they are alone while their unfaithful spouse blissfully revels in the company of a new love-at least for a while.

I agree with Rabbi Harold Kushner that it's distressing and incomprehensible "when bad things happen to good people."3 I have observed that it's even more distressing when good things happen to bad people. We can't control what happens to others; we can control only how we choose to respond. I have observed that it's even more distressing when good things happen to bad people. We can't control what happens to others; we can control only how we choose to respond.

It's not unusual for betrayed partners to watch ex-partners openly engage in activities and interests they avoided or disdained during the marriage. One wife had stubbornly refused to allow her husband to have any pets in the house because she hated animals. When her boyfriend moved in, he bred black Labradors at the house that had been off-limits to goldfish and box turtles. An ex-wife couldn't believe it when she saw her former husband at the symphony, after she had begged him for years to accompany her to concerts. "Why couldn't he have done that for me?" she asked.

For many ex-wives, the injustice involves more than animals and music. There ends up being a real disparity in lifestyle. The wife and kids live in cramped housing while the husband builds a fabulous dream house. Or the kids from the first marriage go to college on scholars.h.i.+ps and loans while a college trust acc.u.mulates for the new baby in the second marriage.

In a sample of divorces in Los Angeles County, the standard of living declined by 27 percent for women and increased by 10 percent for men.4

The divorce process can deepen traumatic reactions, especially in the betrayed spouse. Betrayed partners who expect a judge to compensate them for their suffering are usually very disappointed. A law school research paper by Janis Haywood reported that in a majority of jurisdictions, the financial settlement is not affected by proof of an adulterous relations.h.i.+p. Furthermore, an extramarital relations.h.i.+p carries little weight in child custody battles, unless the infidelity interferes with the capacity to parent.5 The Financial Nightmare Divorce is notoriously difficult financially. Both partners often feel that the divorce settlement is unfair. Preexisting power struggles and new hostilities are acted out over the division of a.s.sets and liabilities. Unfortunately, couples can deplete their funds by spending tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees to triumph over material goods that are often worth considerably less than the cost of "winning."

Coming to an agreement about division of a.s.sets is often so contentious that some couples turn to a judge to make the final decision. This is an unfortunate choice. Do you want a judge who doesn't know you and doesn't know your children to be the one to make decisions that you will have to live with the rest of your life? Couples who leave it up to the court system are more adversarial and tend to be more dissatisfied with the terms of settlement than those who are able to negotiate their own agreement through mediation.

After divorce, a woman who formerly enjoyed a high standard of living in an affluent community can suddenly find herself living in a small apartment, working at a low-paying job, and trying to be both mother and father to her troubled children. A man, too, may be relegated to low-rent living and working overtime 10 meet court-ordered payments to his former wife and children and still have enough to live on. Even very affluent men can feel constant pressure to maintain their current lifestyles and still make alimony payments to first and second wives.

The Loneliness Most people go through a period of mourning after the divorce. Even those betrayed partners who could hardly wait to get rid of their cheating spouse will discover moments when they miss their former partner. They begin longing for the good old days, before the relations.h.i.+p soured. It takes a while to become accustomed to the silence. (If you are afraid or sad about being home alone at night, consider installing a home security system or getting a dog.) Being alone, after so many years of being coupled, colors almost every moment of daily life because you are dealing with so many losses. You miss the companions.h.i.+p: Whom will you tell your good news to or complain to, and whom will you worry with? You miss having someone around to help out: there's no one to go to the drugstore when you're sick, move the piano, or look for the lost dog. You miss the physical presence of someone warming up the bed. If you don't mourn the loss of your mate as a person, you mourn the loss of your dreams of growing old together. You grapple with the loss of ident.i.ty and self-concept that being married represents.

New Scenarios with Old Friends The whole social scene is an intimidating new game. Individuals with a strong commitment to marriage and family can feel embarra.s.sed to present themselves publicly as divorced. A newly divorced woman often feels like a third wheel in social situations. If she has retained the friends she had when she was married, most of them are probably couples. Being the only single person in a couple-centered universe can feel awkward.

One woman told me that when she joined her friends for dinner, they always insisted on paying for her meal. Their well-intentioned generosity put her in a quandary about whether to continue to accept this one-sided arrangement and feel like a freeloader or refuse their invitation and stay home alone. She hated having to deal with a problem that was evidence of her awkward status. She finally resolved her dilemma by initiating the invitation and arranging with the restaurant beforehand for payment by credit card. She also held small dinner parties as a way to reciprocate to the couples who so kindly included her in their plans.

Starting Over Starting over is a challenge you may have preferred to avoid. But starting over does not mean starting from scratch. You enter this new phase of your life with greater self-knowledge and life experience than you had when you were first married. I know that it's hard to contemplate that the affair partner might benefit from the insights and skills that you helped your spouse develop (while you were working so hard to save the marriage), but you too can take what you've learned about relations.h.i.+ps into the future. You've been exposed to deception and mistrust, but you've also been exposed to empowering information about compa.s.sionate communication and the dynamics of relations.h.i.+ps.

Wallowing Never Gets You Anywhere In a real sense, betrayed partners have been victimized. No matter what the circ.u.mstances, the fact remains that a trusted partner violated the basic a.s.sumptions of the relations.h.i.+p. Life may appear to favor the deceitful partner, but in my experience, the abandoned partner often ends up with a better life than before.

In the beginning it's important to feel whatever anger, bitterness, despondency, or hopelessness there is. But after a while, it's equally important to ask: Do I want to remain stuck in these events? If I stay stuck in the rage, I become angry and embittered. If I stay stuck in the punishment, I punish myself. If I stay stuck in the hurt, I let my partner continue to control my feelings. By letting that happen, I allow someone else's offense to become a permanent part of who I am. I limit my own options if I allow myself to wallow in self-pity.

An antidote to feeling victimized is the conscious cultivation of your own inner resources and goals. You know you can survive in the face of tremendous obstacles, so, step by step, you will become more independent. It will take some time to reach wholeness, but you do not need to do your healing alone. Call on your friends and family for help. Tell others what you want and need from them. Teach the people who care about you how to help you through the dark times. One of the most important things you can do is cultivate single friends who can do things with you such as going to movies or out to dinner-especially when your children are not at home with you. Join a group for separated and divorced people offered by religious groups, community colleges, and independent organizations. Many of these groups provide structured guidance for moving from being married to being single.

If you need more help than you can get from your support groups, you should consider going to a mental health professional. Find an experienced therapist who can help you and your children with the adjustment to separation and divorce through individual or group therapy. Get a referral for a psychiatrist who is an expert in psychopharmacology to evaluate whether you would benefit from medication for depression, anxiety, disordered sleeping, or loss of appet.i.te. You can refer to the Appendix in the back of the book for suggested readings, 12-step programs, and helpful Web sites.

The New Learning Curve You will stretch and grow as you a.s.sume the roles that you depended on your partner for. You may have relied on your mate to do a thousand things that you now have to do by yourself. If one partner had primary responsibility for household financial decisions and record keeping, the other may initially find these duties unfamiliar and confusing. Separated partners who step immediately into another relations.h.i.+p may be deprived of the opportunity to be self-sufficient and learn brand new skills.

Wounded partners are transformed once they've made the decision to move forward. To the extent that traditional roles operated in the marriage, men and women must learn how to navigate the foreign waters of child care, finances, or mechanical repairs without their spouse around. Men go on preschool field trips, arrange play dates for their kids, and launder their own clothes. Women learn how to cope with flat tires and broken lawn mowers.

In the transition from a traditional marriage to single parenting, fathers often become more nurturing and mothers become more career-oriented. I can't count how many divorced women I've worked with who went back to school, completed an undergraduate or graduate degree, and derived enormous personal satisfaction from their late arrival as working professionals. Men enjoy parenting in a way they never imagined when they can no longer rely on their wife to stand in for them at PTA meetings. They learn to cook nouris.h.i.+ng meals for their children, drive carpools to ballet cla.s.s, and monitor homework a.s.signments.

In the earlier parts of this book, you learned valuable information about how to have a healthier relations.h.i.+p, which you can implement with a new partner. So many people starting over have said to me, "I can't believe how much easier this new relations.h.i.+p is. I don't have to work nearly as hard, and I feel so much better about myself." If you've spent most of your life putting others first, it's time to discover and express your own needs and preferences. On the other hand, if you realize you may have been self-absorbed or controlling, you can focus on being more tuned in to what others want.

The Dating Game You can look at dating as an opportunity to continue your learning curve rather than as frightening foreign territory. Many divorced people haven't dated for decades (or they may think of themselves as never having been part of the singles scene), and they have no idea what the current rules and expectations are. Some people make the mistake of jumping into the game too quickly without giving themselves enough time to grieve their recent losses. They amaze themselves and everyone else by becoming obsessed with capturing a new partner. Their sense of well-being and self-esteem is overly dependent on whether they've "met somebody" or whether they've received a call for another date.

Other people wish fervently for a partner but do nothing to find one except cross their fingers. Admittedly, it isn't always easy to meet the kind of person you'd want to spend your life with, but we know for sure that Santa Claus isn't going to come down the chimney with the perfect man or woman for Christmas just because you put it on your wish list. So where can you look? The best place is friends and acquaintances: let them know that you are ready for dating so they can introduce you to someone they think you would be compatible with.

Over the years, I've seen divorced people find wonderful partners using these ideas: - Attend events that provide a structure, such as museum tours, hiking clubs, and concerts.

- Enroll in stimulating courses.

- Become a member of a single-parent group, such as Parents Without Partners (PWP).

- Join an organization that offers social opportunities for single people of the same religion.

- Go to singles events such as organized dances with other single friends.

I have even known people who were successfully matched through Internet special interest groups or religion-specific Web sites for singles. Obviously, that option requires that you be careful and keep your wits about you. Before you make arrangements to meet Internet acquaintances in person, check out the authenticity of the phone number and home address. Come in your own car, meet in a public place, and let your friends know what you're doing. I know a woman who had her friends sit at the next table when she went to meet a man for a first date.

People have told me they are turned off by dates who appear too needy or too bitter about their failed marriage. Don't look too hungry for approval or take an obvious initiative in furthering the relations.h.i.+p. Be receptive and interested without appearing overly eager. Don't do more for the other person than the other person does for you. Don't drive 60 miles to make it convenient for your date if he or she isn't willing to do the same. Remember: in the most satisfying relations.h.i.+ps, the giving and receiving are equitable.

Don't appear too embittered about the loss of your marriage. If you badmouth your ex-partner, you can appear to be a male basher or a woman hater. If you convey the message that you are still suffering from your victimization, you may appear pitiful and undesirable. If you are br.i.m.m.i.n.g over with details about how badly your marriage ended, you may appear to be too tied up in the past to share your future with a new partner. Think about how much more appealing someone would be to you if he or she demonstrated understanding toward an ex-partner or told you what was learned as a result of that relations.h.i.+p ending.

Parents with children at home need to temper their dating behavior with an awareness of their children's needs and developmental stages. Wait until you're in a committed relations.h.i.+p before involving your children. It's hard on kids when they become attached to their parents' girlfriends or boyfriends, only to watch them leave and be replaced by newer models.

It's potentially harmful for parents to have dates sleep over. Ask yourself what message you want to send to your children about premarital s.e.x. They won't be impressed if you tell them that it's okay because you're a grown-up. Exposing youngsters to their mother's or father's s.e.xuality can be damaging at any time, but especially when the child's world has already been rocked by the turmoil of divorce.

The Matter of Children Having children makes starting over both easier and harder. Childless couples can sever their ties completely and don't have to deal with each other once the divorce is final. Couples with children will never be totally disengaged. They will need to talk to each other on behalf of their children and attend events and special celebrations throughout their lives.

Parents who are going through the breakup of their marriage not only contend with their own pain and loss but also feel responsible for the pain and loss their children are experiencing. Some parents tell me that not having children would have made the infidelity and its aftermath easier to deal with. Already emotionally and physically exhausted, they found coping with their children's new needs almost more than they could manage. Other parents say the opposite: they couldn't have gotten through the tough times if they hadn't had their children to care for and focus on.

Older divorcing couples may be surprised that their grown-up off-spring react so strongly to the infidelity and the resulting divorce. Just because children are no longer dependent doesn't mean they're not affected. Older children may develop bitter feelings toward the parent who defected. If that parent introduces the affair partner as a new member of the family at family gatherings, the negative reactions can be either very cold or very hot, depending on whether disapproval is expressed by snubbing or provoking. If divorcing parents model considerate and dignified behavior when dealing with each other, the chances are that their children will also.

A childless spouse who divorces may feel especially rootless. Your marriage coming apart can make you feel like a castaway being thrown up on an alien sh.o.r.e. Other childless partners thank their lucky stars that they haven't dragged children into the mess they've created. If marital problems caused a delay in childbearing, childlessness could be another devastating consequence for women whose biological clock has run down.

Breaking the Bad News In Chapter 13, we discussed how to talk with children about a parent's affair and the turmoil it may have created in the household. The suggestions below are intended to help you prepare your children for the impending separation.

- Tell your children together of your decision to divorce if at all possible. Keep it simple, but answer their questions directly. If your partner is leaving the marriage to be with another person, you cannot hide that reality. However, this information should be discussed calmly, with both parents present, without blaming or maliciousness. No matter how hard this might be, you owe it to your children not to involve them in any bitterness. You might say, "Mommy doesn't love me anymore the way married people are supposed to love each other. I don't want her to leave, but she loves somebody else now."

- Rea.s.sure your children that there was nothing they did to cause the divorce and that there is nothing they can do to keep you together. If the affair is over and no longer a factor in the divorce, use explanations that fit in with their observations, such as, "We just can't get along together any more. We don't agree on things, and we're too different from each other to live together." As incomplete as that may sound to you, it will at least not suggest to a child that the strain is his or her fault.

- Rea.s.sure your children that you still love them and will continue to love them. Children might be afraid that if Mommy and Daddy can stop loving each other, they might also stop loving them. Let them know that you will work together on their behalf. One couple I knew bought their son a bicycle for his birthday during their separation and presented it to him together as a surprise.

- Validate how sad this is for everyone. Let them know that it's normal to feel sad and scared about the breakup of the family. Everybody will be grieving. Let them know that you will be there for them when they feel sad or lost or fearful. Let them know about any changes that will occur in their lives as a result of the separation or divorce. Take them to see their bedroom at the new apartment, and involve them in choosing the decor.

Protecting Your Children from the Fallout Your job as a parent is to protect your children; your children aren't there to protect you or to compensate you for a lost relations.h.i.+p or for a poor marriage. Here are some guidelines adapted from pediatrician Herman Frankel on how to protect your child by maintaining appropriate boundaries:6 - You are the caretaker-not your child. Although it's important to acknowledge your own feelings of loss, it's up to you to nurture and look out for your children, not the other way around. For example, nine-year-old girls shouldn't have the responsibility of cooking for their inexperienced fathers or taking care of the younger children for their depressed mothers.

- Your child is not your confidante. Even if your child is an adult, confiding about matters pertaining to you and the other parent is a violation of emotional boundaries. Don't burden your child with details of the legal proceedings or how you've been wronged. This often backfires when the child pulls away from the parent who shared too much.

- Your child is not your companion. Don't expect to fill up your empty social life with your child. Your child needs to be with his or her peers. Your need for companions.h.i.+p cannot be met by making your child your best friend; your child needs you to be a parent, not a pal. For example, you can certainly take your son to the movies because you would have done that before the separation, but don't ask him to watch a rented video with you on a lonely Sat.u.r.day night instead of going to a sleepover with his school friends.

- Your child is not your ally. No matter how much you are tempted to find out what's going on in the life of your ex-partner, don't ask your child to spy or give you information. Don't expect your child to take your side against the other parent. And let the child form his or her own opinion about the affair partner: their relations.h.i.+p is not contingent on how badly you might have been betrayed.

The most important advice I can give is what you've heard before: Your goal is to provide your children with the best possible parenting under these trying new circ.u.mstances. Whether your children are grown or not, do not badmouth the other parent and do not involve them in your private business or your conflict with your ex-spouse. If your ex-spouse forms a committed relations.h.i.+p with the affair partner, you will need the support of your friends to attend special events where the affair partner will be present. You should not create turmoil that would hurt your children, or they will end up resenting you.

Survivors of Infidelity Survivors of infidelity appear in many different guises. Some people heal without impairment, walking with more joy and confidence than they've ever felt before. Others are visibly crippled by their injury and continue to limp throughout their lives. Fortunately, most betrayed partners who are completely demoralized at the point of revelation of the affair often gain a different perspective as the years go by. They are able to create a new life for themselves that is fuller and richer than what they had before.

I want to end with the stories of four survivors of infidelity you have not met yet. Each of them was severely rocked by his or her partner's infidelities, but all four of them went on to live fulfilling lives. Although their healing journeys vary in length and outcome, each ill.u.s.trates my belief that recovery is possible for anyone who is starting over alone.

Nancy: Always on Guard Nancy's story is the most sobering. Although she recovered from her divorce and resumed a fulfilling life, the magnitude of her husband's betrayal left her uninterested in ever having another romantic relations.h.i.+p.

Nancy and Nathan had been married for twenty years when he told her that he had been falsely accused of s.e.xual hara.s.sment by an administrative a.s.sistant in his firm. Nancy completely believed in his integrity and agreed with him that the woman who had accused him of s.e.xual hara.s.sment was nuts. They relocated to a neighboring state, where he found an even better career opportunity. Although this meant that Nancy would have to give up the dynamic, high-paying job she loved, she never questioned the move.

After Nathan left for his new job, Nancy stayed behind a few months with their three children to train her successor at work, complete the school year, and sell their house. When she finally arrived at their new home, she discovered evidence that Nathan was having an affair. When she cornered him, he confessed that he had been involved with other women throughout their marriage. He cruelly added that he had never loved her and wanted a divorce-now that his children had been moved by her to the new location. She realized how naive she had been to believe she had a devoted partner when what she really had was a philandering, narcissistic husband.

Nancy was severely traumatized. Everything she had believed about her husband was false. In a strange city without a job, she felt she had no choice except to take her children and move back home into her parents' house. For almost two years the only task she could handle was caring for her children. The only time she left the house was for child-related events and errands. She stayed home to avoid seeing men who might resemble her manipulative, lying husband. Her post-traumatic reaction was so extreme that she had a panic attack if a man approached her in a public place to ask her for directions.

Nancy did recover from her traumatic symptoms, but she was never again interested in intimate relations.h.i.+ps with men. Her relations.h.i.+ps with the opposite s.e.x are cordial but always somewhat distant. No amount of time or therapy can erase the traumatic injury by a man she innocently trusted. The worst aspect for her was that she didn't trust her own judgment because she had been so bamboozled by her husband's glib talk and charming ways.

After three years, however, she was able to go back to work and build what eventually became a wonderful career. She came to treasure her independence and reveled in the freedom to develop her own interests. She resumed her profession, but in an environment that was all female. She took flute lessons and became an expert in rock gardening. If you met her, you would admire her zest for life.

Kimberly: Bridge to a New Life Kimberly became suicidal and was hospitalized after her husband, Konrad, told her he'd been unhappy for years and wanted a legal separation. When she was released from the hospital, they started couple therapy, but all he did was unleash an avalanche of stored-up resentments from twenty-six years of marriage. It was clear that Konrad wanted only to enumerate his complaints without giving Kimberly a chance to rectify any of the things he was unhappy with. After he left for good, she learned that he was having an affair with an employee who doted on him.

Kimberly began to rebuild her life slowly, bit by bit. Fortunately, her children needed little from her because they had families of their own, and she had sufficient financial resources. She immersed herself in the people and activities she found healing. She spent as much time as she could with her children and grandchildren. She had a number of close women friends who looked out for her and had fun with her.

She knew she was making real progress when she felt like playing bridge again. She had always enjoyed bridge, but had given it up because Konrad didn't like to play. She became a Life Master and started teaching other people. She began dating a man she met through her interest in bridge, and they played in tournaments together.

Kimberly launched an exciting venture when she was recruited to teach bridge to pa.s.sengers on cruise s.h.i.+ps. She didn't receive a salary, but all of her expenses were paid; she traveled to ports all over the world whenever she chose to accept the many offers from different cruise lines. She became engaged to her bridge partner, and they started cruising together to exotic ports, where they taught the cla.s.ses as a team.

Kimberly says that even though it's been five years since the divorce, there are some things that are still hard. She never thought that she and Konrad would end up divorced. Konrad's marriage to his affair partner has caused a great deal of tension. His adult children are still angry about his infidelity because he was always a rather sanctimonious, moralistic man before his defection. Every time there is a family gathering, Konrad brings his new wife and everyone ends up being upset. Most of the time, though, Kimberly is very happy. She has a wonderful man in her life who shares her interests and appreciates her for who she is.

Evan: Better the Second Time Around Evan felt he was the luckiest man on earth the day he married Emily. She was so sure of herself and sophisticated in a way that he had never encountered before. Evan was much more of a homebody, and Emily liked to be on the go. He fell in love with all the ways she was different from him.

Evan's happiness was short-lived. Soon after the honeymoon, Emily's time and attention s.h.i.+fted away from the marriage. Evan had known that she was ambitious and career-centered, but he didn't realize how much of her time and energy would be invested in her job. When he asked her to spend more time with him, she told him, she needed "more s.p.a.ce." Eight months after the wedding, he learned that Emily was s.e.xually involved with her boss. After a nasty confrontation, she told Evan that she should never have gotten married in the first place and didn't want to be married anymore.

Evan couldn't believe what was happening. He was personally shattered and publicly humiliated. His parents were still paying for their share of the wedding. After the divorce, his friends tried to fix him up, but he definitely wasn't interested in dating yet. He didn't trust himself to make a good choice. He put his efforts into crafting a beautiful home. He was very handy and spent most of his free time building himself a comfortable nest.

A couple of years later, he met Elizabeth at his congregation's discussion group for singles. He felt safe with Elizabeth because she was a few years older than he and had a two-year-old son, Kyle. Evan liked to spend time with her, but he knew he'd never allow himself to get involved with a woman who already had a child. Elizabeth was in awe of the way Evan had created such a beautiful home. She loved to come over with Kyle and just hang out on the deck talking. Evan enjoyed going places like the zoo with the two of them.

Evan was surprised when his feelings for Elizabeth began to change. They had so much in common. He admired her devotion to Kyle, and he felt himself flowering under her kind and supportive attention. They shared similar visions of married life: they both wanted several children and believed it is best if mothers stay home and devote themselves to their children during the formative years. After they got engaged, Evan told her, "This will be my second wedding, but it will be my first real marriage. If Emily hadn't left me, I'd never have the kind of home life I always dreamed about." The last time I saw Evan, he was wheeling a stroller with an adorable little girl, and Kyle and Elizabeth were walking along at his side.

Heather: Becoming Whole Again Six months ago, Heather got married again at the age of seventy-five. She told me, "I feel like I have lived a miracle. You have no idea where the power to heal is going to come from. You have to have faith that when one door closes, a new door will open."