Stage Dive: Lick Part 25

"Look," she said, speculation turning to wheedling. "I wouldn't ask, it's just that I'm such a huge fan of his."

"I can't help you, sorry. We're actually about to close. So would you like to order something before that happens?" I asked, pleasant smile firmly in place. Sam would have been proud of that smile, as fake as it was. But with my eyes I told the woman the truth. That I was all used up and I honestly had no f.u.c.ks left to give. Especially when it came to David Ferris.

"Can you at least tell me if the band are really breaking up? Come on. Everyone's saying an announcement's going to be made any day now."

"I don't know anything about it. Would you liked to order something, or not?"

Further denial generally led to either anger or tears. She chose anger. A good choice, because tears annoyed the living h.e.l.l out of me. I was sick of them, both on myself and others. Despite it being common knowledge that I'd been dumped, they still figured I had connections. Or so they hoped.

She did a fake little laugh. "There's no need to be a b.i.t.c.h about it. Would letting me know what's happening really have killed you?"

"Leave," said my lovely manager, Ruby. "Right now. Get out."

The woman switched to incredulous, mouth open wide. "What?"

"Amanda, call the cops." Ruby stood tall beside me.

"On it, boss." Amanda snapped open her cell and punched in the numbers, leveling the woman with her evil eye. Amanda, having moved on from being my high school's sole lesbian, was studying drama. These confrontations were her favorite part of the day. They might have sapped my strength, but Amanda sucked all of her power from them. A dark, malevolent force, to be sure, but it was all hers and she reveled in it. "Yes, we've got a fake blonde with a bad tan giving us trouble, officer. I'm pretty certain I saw her at a frat party doing some serious underage drinking last week. I don't want to say what happened after that but the footage is available on YouTube for your viewing pleasure if you're over eighteen."

"No wonder he dropped you. I saw the picture, your a.s.s is wide as f.u.c.king Texas," the woman sneered and then sped out of the cafe.

"Do you really have to stir them up?" I asked.

Amanda clucked her tongue. "Please. She started it."

I'd heard worse than what she'd said. Way worse. Several times now I'd had to change my email address to stop the hate mail from flooding in. I had closed my Facebook account early on.

Still, I checked my b.u.t.t to be sure. It was a close call, but I was pretty sure Texas was, in fact, wider.

"As far as I can tell you're living on a diet of breath mints and lattes. Your a.s.s is not a concern." Amanda had long since forgiven me for the bad kiss back in high school, bless her. I was beyond lucky to have the friends I did. I really don't know how I'd have made it through the last month without them.

"I eat."

"Really? Whose jeans are those?"

I started cleaning the coffee machine because it really was getting on closing time. That, and for reasons of subject avoidance. Fact was, getting cheated on and lied to by rock 'n' roll's favorite son did make for quite the diet. Definitely not one I'd recommend. My sleep was shot to s.h.i.+t and I was tired all the time. I was depression's b.i.t.c.h. Inside and out, I didn't feel like me. The time I'd spent with David, the way it had changed things, was a constant agitation, an itch I couldn't scratch. Partly because I lacked the power but also because I lacked the will. You could only sing "I Will Survive" so many times before the urge to throttle yourself took over.

"Lauren doesn't wear these. Said they were the wrong shade of dark wash and that the placement of the back pockets made her look hippy. Apparently pocket placement matters."

"And you started wearing that skinny cow's clothes when?"

"Don't call her that."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Please, she takes it as a compliment."

True. "Well, I think the jeans are nice. Are you wiping down the tables or would you like me to?"

Amanda just sighed. "Jo and I want to thank you for helping us move last weekend. So we're taking you out tonight. Drinking and dancing ahoy!"

"Oh." Alcohol and me already had a bad reputation. "I don't know."

"I do."

"I had plans to-"

"No you don't. This is why I left it to the last minute to tell you. I knew you'd try to make excuses." Amanda's dark eyes brooked no nonsense. "Ruby, I'm taking our girl out for a night on the town."

"Good idea," Ruby called out from the kitchen. "Get her out of here. I'll clean up."

My practiced pleasant smile fell off my face. "But-"

"It's the sad eyes," said Ruby, confiscating my cleaning cloth. "I can't bear them any longer. Please go out and have some fun."

"Am I that much of a killjoy?" I asked, suddenly worried. I honestly thought I'd been putting on a good front. Their faces told me otherwise.

"No. You're a normal twenty-one-year-old going through a break-up. You need to get back out there and reclaim your life." Ruby was in her early thirties and soon to be wed. "Trust me. I know best. Go."

"Or," said Amanda, waggling a finger at me. "You could sit at home watching Walk the Line for the eight hundredth time while listening to your brother and best friend going hard at it in the room next door."

When she put it like that ... "Let's go."

"I want to be bi," I announced, because it was important. A girl had to have goals. I pushed back my chair and rose to my feet. "Let's dance. I love this song."

"You love any song that's not by the band who shall not be named." Amanda laughed, following me through the crowd. Her girlfriend Jo just shook her head, clinging to her hand. Vodka was doubtless as bad an idea as tequila, but I did feel somewhat unwound, looser. It was good to get out and on an empty stomach three drinks went a long way, clearly. I did suspect Amanda had made at least one of them a double. It felt great to dance and laugh and let loose. Out of all of the getting over a break-up tactics I'd attempted, keeping busy worked best. But going out dancing and drinking all dressed up shouldn't be mocked.

I tucked my hair behind my ears because my ponytail had started falling apart again. Perfect metaphor for my life. Nothing worked right since I'd gotten back from LA. Nothing lasted. Love was a lie and rock 'n' roll sucked. Blah blah blah. Time for another drink.

And I'd been in the middle of making an important point.

"I'm serious," I said. "I'm going bi. It's my new plan."

"I think that's a great plan," yelled Jo, moving next to me. Jo also worked at the cafe, which was how the two had met. She had long blue hair that was the envy of all.

Amanda rolled her eyes at me. "You're not bi. Babe, don't encourage her."

Jo grinned, totally unrepentant. "Last week she wanted to be gay. Before that she talked monasteries. I think this is a constructive step toward her forgiving every p.e.n.i.s-possessing human and moving on with her life."

"I am moving on with my life," I said.

"Which is why you two have been talking about him for the past four hours?" Amanda grinned, throwing her arms around Jo's shoulders.

"We weren't talking about him. We were insulting him. How do you say 'useless stinking sheep fornicator' in German again?" I asked, leaning in to be heard over the music. "That was my favorite."

Jo and Amanda got busy close dancing and I let them go, unperturbed. Because I wasn't afraid of being alone. I was action-packed full of single girl power. f.u.c.k David Ferris. f.u.c.k him good and hard.

The music all blended into one long time-bending beat and so long as I kept moving it was all perfect. Sweat slicked my neck and I popped another b.u.t.ton on my dress, widening the neckline. I ignored the other people dancing around me. I shut my eyes, staying safe in my own little world. The alcohol had given me a nice buzz.

For some reason, the hands sliding over my hips didn't bother me, even though they were uninvited. They went no further, made no demands on me. Their owner danced behind me, keeping a small safe distance between us. It was nice. Maybe the music had hypnotized me. Or maybe I had been lonely, because I didn't fight it. Instead I relaxed against him. For all of the next song we stayed like that, melded together, moving. The beat slowed down and I raised my arms, linking my hands behind his neck. After a month of avoiding almost all human contact, my body woke. The short, soft hair at the back of his neck brushed over my fingers. Smooth, warm skin beneath.

G.o.d, it was so nice. I hadn't realized how touch-starved I was.

I leaned my head back against him and he whispered something softly. Too soft for me to hear. The soft bristles on his cheek and jaw lightly p.r.i.c.kled the side of my face. Hands slid over my ribs, up my arms. Calloused fingers lightly stroked the sensitive underside of my arms. His body was solid behind me, strong, but he kept his touch light, restrained. I wasn't in the market for a rebound. My heart was too bruised for that, my mind too wary. I couldn't bring myself to move away from him, however. It felt too good there.

"Evelyn," he said, his lips teasing my ear.

My breath caught, my eyelids shot open. I turned to find David staring back at me. The long hair was gone. It was still longish on top but cut short at the sides. He could probably do a neat Elvis pompadour if the fancy took him. A short, dark beard covered his lower face.

"Y-you're here," I stuttered out. My tongue felt thick and useless inside my dry mouth. Christ, it was really him. Here in Portland. In the flesh.

"Yeah." His blue eyes burned. He didn't say anything else. Music kept playing, people kept moving. The world only stopped turning for me.

"Why?"

"Ev?" Amanda put a hand to my arm and I jumped, the spell broken. She gave David a quick glance and then her face screwed up in distaste. "What the f.u.c.k is he doing here?"

"It's okay," I said.

Her gaze moved between David and me. She didn't really seem convinced. Fair enough.

"Amanda. Please." I squeezed her fingers, nodded. After a moment she turned back to Jo who stared at David with open disbelief. And a healthy dose of star-struck. His new look made for a brilliant disguise. Unless you knew who you were looking for, of course.

I pushed through the crowd, getting the h.e.l.l out of there. I knew he'd follow. Of course he would. It was no accident he was there, though I had no d.a.m.n idea how he'd found me. I needed to get away from the heat and the noise so I could think straight. Down the back hallway past the men's and women's toilets. There, that was what I wanted. A big black door opened onto a back alleyway. Open night air. A few brave stars twinkled high overhead. Otherwise it was dark back here, damp from earlier summer rain. It was horrible and dirty and hateful. An ideal setting.

I might have been feeling a bit dramatic.

The door slammed shut behind David. He faced me, hands on hips. He opened his mouth to start talking and no, not happening. I snapped.

"Why are you here, David?"

"We need to talk."

"No, we don't."

He rubbed at his mouth. "Please. There're things I have to tell you."

"Too late."

Looking at him revived the pain. As if I had wounds lingering just beneath the skin, waiting to resurface. I couldn't help staring at him, however. Parts of me were desperate for the sight of him, the sound of him. My head and heart were a wreck. David didn't appear so great himself. He looked tired. There were shadows beneath his eyes and he seemed a little pale, even in this c.r.a.ppy lighting. The earrings were missing, all of them gone. Not that I cared.

He rocked back on his heels, eyes watching me desperately. "Jimmy went into rehab and there were other things going on I had to deal with. We had to do therapy together as part of his treatment. That's why I couldn't come straight away."

"I'm sorry to hear about Jimmy."

He nodded. "Thanks. He's doing a lot better."

"Good. That's good."

Another nod. "Ev, about Martha-"

"Whoa." I held up a hand, backing up. "Don't."

His mouth turned down at the edges. "We have to talk."

"Do we?"

"Yes."

"Because now you've decided you're ready? f.u.c.k you, David. It's been a month. Twenty-eight days without a word. I'm sorry about your brother, but no."

"I wanted to make sure I was coming after you for the right reasons."

"I don't even know what that means."

"Ev-"

"No." I shook my head, hurt and fury pus.h.i.+ng me hard. So I pushed at him even harder, sending him back a step. He hit the wall and I had nowhere else to go with him. But that didn't stop me.

I went to push at him again and he grabbed my hands. "Calm down."

"No!"

His hands encircled my wrists. He gritted his teeth, grinding his molars together. I heard it. Impressive that he didn't crack anything. "No, what? No to talking now? What? What do you mean?"

"I mean no to everything and anything to do with you." My words echoed through the narrow alleyway, up the sides of the buildings until they emptied out into the uncaring night sky. "We're finished, remember? You're f.u.c.king done with me. I'm nothing to you. You said so yourself."

"I was wrong. G.o.dd.a.m.n it, Ev. Calm down. Listen to me."

"Let me go."

"I'm sorry. But it's not what you think."

Out of options, I got in his face. "You don't get to come here now. You lied to me. You cheated on me."

"Baby-"

"Don't you dare call me that," I yelled.

"I'm sorry." His gaze roamed my face, searching for sense maybe. He was s.h.i.+t out of luck. "I'm sorry."

"Stop."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Over and over he said, chanting the most worthless words in all of time and s.p.a.ce. I had to stop it. Shut him up before he drove me insane. I smashed my mouth to his, halting the useless litany. He groaned and kissed me back hard, bruising my lips, hurting me. But then I hurt him too. The pain helped. I pushed my tongue into his mouth, taking what was supposed to be mine. In that moment I hated him and I loved him. There didn't seem to be any difference.

My hands were freed and I wound them around his neck. He turned us, setting my back to the rough brick wall. His touch burned through my skin and bones. It all happened so fast, there wasn't time to wonder about the wisdom of it. He pushed up my dress and tore at my panties. They didn't stand a chance. The cool of the night air and the heat of his palms smoothed over my thighs.

"I missed you so f.u.c.king much," he groaned.