Introvert Power_ Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength Part 7

Introvert: Silent. (Thinking: "Back off! Why are you so mad?") Extrovert: (The silence amplifies the extrovert's overreac-tion.) Okay, sorry. Go on.

In the example, the introvert stays silent when the question requires a betrayal of self. The introvert also talks at the pace of his or her emerging thoughts and feelings. I am reminded of the game show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Who Wants to be a Millionaire? As contestants on the show search for the right answer, they are encouraged to talk through the process. By bringing the internal process out, they are better able to focus on their thoughts-rather than on external pressures like television cameras and the clock. As contestants on the show search for the right answer, they are encouraged to talk through the process. By bringing the internal process out, they are better able to focus on their thoughts-rather than on external pressures like television cameras and the clock.

Introverts, you have a right to remain silent. You have a right to not know. You have a right to ask for more information. We'll talk more about caring for intimate relations.h.i.+ps in Chapter 15, but remember that many conversations are optional, and that most conversations can be postponed until you feel more up to it. Here are some other tips for making s.p.a.ce in conversations: Look down-or sideways or up-as a way of temporarily unlocking from the expectant gaze or flow of words directed at you. Show that you are thinking by furrowing your brow, scratching your head, or whatever body language comes most naturally to you.

Work in a break. If someone asks a hard question, say, "That's a hard question. I want to sit with it a bit. Let me shoot you an email later." If you can't think of anything, say you need to hit the restroom. It's not a lie. You do need a rest!

Pick your medium when you can. If someone says, "I'll give you a call" and you detest phone conversations, say "Could you email me instead? I'm harder to reach by phone." Even if you answer all your calls, this is not a lie: you are are more defensive and harder to reach in a phone conversation. more defensive and harder to reach in a phone conversation.

Give yourself yourself a break. There will be days where you will forget all of this, or you'll just be too tired to try. Like meditation or physical exercise, this is a a break. There will be days where you will forget all of this, or you'll just be too tired to try. Like meditation or physical exercise, this is a practice, practice, not a test you either pa.s.s or fail. not a test you either pa.s.s or fail.

Give yourself second-and third, and more-chances. If you think you betrayed yourself in a conversation, and you will, you have the right to go back and edit what you said. My kids don't like when I do this and will protest, "But you said said..." I just hold my ground and say, "Yes, I did say that. Now I'm saying this."

CONVERSATION PREPARATION.

The most terrifying experience of my life, other than jumping out of a plane, was taking unscreened phone calls on a live television news show. The clock was ticking-it was a four-minute segment-and callers often asked questions that would take about a year or three of therapy to answer. Slowing things down was not an option. When I jumped out of a plane, I at least had a parachute to slow my fall!

There are some conversations that cannot be slowed down. A job interview needs to cover a lot of ground in a limited time frame, and media interviews barely give you time to introduce yourself. If your words aren't ready at a moment's notice, you may lose an important opportunity. Though quick responding is not the introvert's forte, you can nail these forums by preparing. Consider this: most authors (as well as many actors) who provide media interviews are introverts. The secret is to practice these conversations before you have them. Here's how: Find someone you feel comfortable with to play the interviewer. Have him or her shoot you questions, get stumped, fumble and flub, get over it, get it together, and get through it, over and over again.

Take a break between each practice session and think about what you want to say. Jot down and memorize a few key points that you want to cover. Keep it as simple as possible: you just need some ideas to get the ball rolling. You'll be able to take it from there.

Have your practice interviewer change his or her questions so that you get flexibility training.

As you practice, ask for feedback or videotape your responses to see how you come off. Recall the metaphor of the general in the tent? If you tend to keep your genius of the general in the tent? If you tend to inside and send an aide to do the talking, you'll want to make sure that aide is well trained.

When I was sixteen or so, I had the dreaded session with the school's guidance counselor. I remember...answering her questions with my trademark short and quiet answers. After about five minutes of this she said to me, "Why don't you look me in the eye when you talk to me?" She really caught me off guard as no one had ever called me on that before. Frankly, I had never realized I did that. I have never forgotten that conversation. It seems obvious, I'm sure, to most people, but from that day on I started looking at people when I talked to them. It actually helped me...feel less alone.

-Ingrid, day job: internal auditor; pa.s.sions: travel, reading, wildlife (to name a few) Though some interview situations are high pressure by definition, we can often make formal conversations more introvert-friendly. Consider the following: With media interviews, indicate that you'd like to provide "talking points" or a list of questions to help the interview run smoothly. Most hosts appreciate this.

Do your homework. Listen to the show, talk to the producer about what to expect, Google the people who are interviewing you for the job. Don't let your imagination run wild and scare you. Get the facts.

Call the shots. I have asked interviewers to send me questions in advance, I have told newspaper reporters that I need to think on a question and get back to them, and I have said "no." You often have more power than you realize.

Remember that you know more about you-your research, your qualifications, your opinions-than anyone else in the room.

Another pressured conversation that deserves mention is the doctor visit. Doctors, especially those working for an HMO, are characteristically rushed. How many times have you had your head filled with questions for the doctor, only to come up blank when he or she asks, "Anything else?" The doctor is halfway out the door, you can't think, so you answer, "I guess not." Then, the minute you get home, a flood of questions comes back to you, and you want to kick yourself.

Or you've hired a lawyer or accountant, and you pay pay for your conversation, so short is indeed sweet. In these cases, it helps immensely to write down what you want to cover; tell the doctor (or lawyer or accountant) at the beginning of the appointment that you have a list. After all the school they've gone through, they know how to complete a.s.signments, and the written word carries power. And professionals are concerned enough about for your conversation, so short is indeed sweet. In these cases, it helps immensely to write down what you want to cover; tell the doctor (or lawyer or accountant) at the beginning of the appointment that you have a list. After all the school they've gone through, they know how to complete a.s.signments, and the written word carries power. And professionals are concerned enough about their their lawyer's fees to see to it that your list is attended to. lawyer's fees to see to it that your list is attended to.

MUSIC TO OUR EARS.

The conversations that are free of conundrums are the ones, usually with another introvert, in which there is plenty of time for the mud to settle, and for clarity to come. These are the conversations that lead to discovery-of self as well as the other. They happen with extroverts, too, but require more commitment and effort. The yin-yang conversation between opposites in love can generate amazing insight and growth-that is, if you can both stand it. We'll indulge in these more rewarding conversations in Chapter 15.

Chapter 12:.

The Anti-Party Guide At every party there are two kinds of people-those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.-Ann Landers If we wanted to sort introverts from extroverts without the help of the MBTI, we could just send everybody to a party and note what time each person leaves. A party is one activity that seems to polarize introverts and extroverts. Extroverts love them; introverts avoid them. Introverts may enjoy a party-for a little while-but will start looking to the exits long before the extroverts come up for air. And, even though more than half of the population would rather stay home with a book or a close friend, our society equates party with "fun! " Tell someone you don't particularly enjoy parties, and you might as well say, "I'm no fun." " Tell someone you don't particularly enjoy parties, and you might as well say, "I'm no fun."

Though many of us freely admit to our anti-party sentiments, many of us also secretly wonder if we are "party p.o.o.pers"-people who are not only un-fun, but also spoil the fun for others. If you want evidence for society's extroversion a.s.sumption, just tell an extroverted friend that you don't want to go to the party or, if you're there, that you want to go home.

First of all, unless your friend is unusually enlightened, she probably won't believe you. The extroversion a.s.sumption says, "Everyone wants to go to the party." Secondly, she will probably interpret your reluctance as shyness or a need to feel wanted. The extroversion a.s.sumption says, "Because all people want to go to the party, a refusal means that the person needs encouragement." So the extrovert freely encourages you: "You have have to stay! It's just getting good! You've only been here two hours! Don't be a party p.o.o.per!" to stay! It's just getting good! You've only been here two hours! Don't be a party p.o.o.per!"

Would a friend as freely pressure you into helping her clean her kitchen? An introvert may actually prefer this option, because the two of you could at least talk in a quieter, less pressured setting. But, unless he or she is a really really close friend, such an invitation would be considered an imposition. Not so with the party. Parties are fun! close friend, such an invitation would be considered an imposition. Not so with the party. Parties are fun!

It is hard for extroverts to understand how truly oppressive a party can be for an introvert. See if this sounds familiar: I have friends who don't understand that when I want to leave a party, I really want to leave. Their pleading with me to stay is not going to change my mind. They may want to socialize all night, but I don't!

-Ingrid, who has much more fun at home You have come to this party because a friend insisted. The friend who talked you into coming spent five minutes with you and introduced you around a bit. He is now heartily mingling. You do not know anyone else very well, and you've partic.i.p.ated in as much small talk as you can stand. It's too early to leave gracefully, so you linger at the snack table for a bit, make a call on your cell, spend a little extra time in the bathroom, and, if all else fails, drink heavily. You feel trapped. You have no interest in working your way into a ba.n.a.l conversation (unless perhaps you chose to drink heavily); you don't want to look pathetic by shadowing your friend; and sitting alone would look downright pitiable-besides, there's no place to sit! Your energy level is taking a nosedive, and you just want to go home, change into sweats, and turn on some good music. Help!

A situation like this-especially if you are dependent on an extrovert for a ride-resembles some forms of torture, such as forced sleep deprivation. In both cases, you are trapped in a state that becomes increasingly painful to maintain. It's an extreme comparison, I know, but most introverts know what I'm talking about. By contrast, many extroverts have absolutely no clue what we go through. And even the more empathic extroverts, and even introverts, introverts, are not socialized to question the universality of the "Party equals Fun" equation. are not socialized to question the universality of the "Party equals Fun" equation.

So we question ourselves: "Why can't I be more fun? Why don't I have have more fun? Everyone else is having a great time! What's wrong with me?" This self-alienation is a part of the torture. If you felt alone in your desire to leave, you feel more fun? Everyone else is having a great time! What's wrong with me?" This self-alienation is a part of the torture. If you felt alone in your desire to leave, you feel alien alien when you scan a room full of laughing, smiling partiers. I'm one of those introverts with well-honed social skills, and I have even danced on the occasional table, but I have felt sheer panic when my exhaustion precedes my exit. It's like the Cinderella story with a twist: I when you scan a room full of laughing, smiling partiers. I'm one of those introverts with well-honed social skills, and I have even danced on the occasional table, but I have felt sheer panic when my exhaustion precedes my exit. It's like the Cinderella story with a twist: I want want to get out of there and into my duds before midnight-or ten, or eight. to get out of there and into my duds before midnight-or ten, or eight.

Now an extrovert, or even your therapist, might suggest that if you're stuck, "justmake the best of it" and join in. Let's get this straight: making the best of it and joining in are mutually exclusive at this point in the game. making the best of it and joining in are mutually exclusive at this point in the game.Why? Because whatever small ration of energy you have left will be consumed by such an effort. Deep down, you know this, which is why you remain frozen at the fringes, even as you tell yourself you really should join in.

Fortunately, there are are ways we can make things better. And they won't involve acting like an extrovert. Remember, your power source is introversion. Let's look at how to drink in some of ways we can make things better. And they won't involve acting like an extrovert. Remember, your power source is introversion. Let's look at how to drink in some of that. that.

"NO" IS AN OPTION.

Yes, saying "No" is an option.

"Thanks, but no."

"No thanks."

"h.e.l.l, no."

Whatever works for you, it's your option.

Though this two-letter word is the simplest and clearest response, it's not easy for many of us to say. Why? Because, according to the prevailing extroversion a.s.sumption, inviting you is a nice gesture, and pressuring you is a compliment-an indication that you are wanted. How many times have you equivocated on or even declined an invitation, only to be asked again-and again?

So, if your friend is being nice, you certainly don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth and say "no!" That would be rude! Out of curiosity, I looked up the gift horse proverb. The gist of it is: if you are given a horse as a gift, just be grateful; don't scrutinize the horse by looking at its teeth-an indicator of the horse's age and value. In other words, take it "as is," and be grateful.

But just as receiving a horse is a problem if you have no room for it, the offer of a party is a burden for many introverts. So if your friend knows you at all, she is being rude by pressuring you to do something that is bad for you. Yes, bad for you. bad for you. Engaging in a painful activity that leaves you feeling crummy about yourself is self-destructive. But your friend is probably not a jerk-you wouldn't have chosen her for a friend if she were. She's just following the social rules. And you may be following them too. Engaging in a painful activity that leaves you feeling crummy about yourself is self-destructive. But your friend is probably not a jerk-you wouldn't have chosen her for a friend if she were. She's just following the social rules. And you may be following them too.

I have certainly caught myself supporting the extroversion a.s.sumption as I decline an invitation, feigning disappointment and loser status: "Darn, that sounds so so fun, but I have plans that night/am swamped with work/need to take care of my sick dog." These responses come so automatically that we may not even realize how misleading they are. We convince others that we are truly disappointed, thereby a.s.suring continued invitations. We even do this with close friends! This finally sunk in for me when my best extrovert friend invited me, for a second time, to a "can't miss" annual Halloween costume party. I smiled and said to her, "That's an introvert's idea of h.e.l.l." She smiled back and said, "Really?" I said, "Yep. Especially if it's big, and I don't know very many people." She said, "Yeah, there'll be a lot of people there. You won't want to go." fun, but I have plans that night/am swamped with work/need to take care of my sick dog." These responses come so automatically that we may not even realize how misleading they are. We convince others that we are truly disappointed, thereby a.s.suring continued invitations. We even do this with close friends! This finally sunk in for me when my best extrovert friend invited me, for a second time, to a "can't miss" annual Halloween costume party. I smiled and said to her, "That's an introvert's idea of h.e.l.l." She smiled back and said, "Really?" I said, "Yep. Especially if it's big, and I don't know very many people." She said, "Yeah, there'll be a lot of people there. You won't want to go."

Though many introverts struggle with the "gift horse" problem, we may also avoid "no" out of FOMO, or Fear Of Missing Out. We worry, "What if I'm wrong? What if I'm really missing out on something I would love?" Add all the party propaganda coming our way, and our FOMO gets us to go "just this once" to check it out. After going just this once to every social event in town, you make the "A" list and have sealed your reservation in h.e.l.l.

If you cringe at the idea of going, avoid the long detour home that is the party, and say "no." Yes, you'll miss out. You'll miss having to meet people you'll never talk to again. You'll miss being cornered by the party's extreme talker. You'll miss working overtime without pay. And you'll miss out on the alienation and self-reproach that come hand-in-hand with trying trying to have a good time. to have a good time.

But while "just say no" campaigns sound good, they are often unhelpful when it comes to real life situations. The challenge is to take the clarity of NO and adapt it to the invitation conversation. Let's look at an example: Extrovert Friend: Hey, my friend Jane and her husband are having a party this weekend. Their parties are always great, and they're going all out this year. You should come!Introvert: Hmm, I don't think so. (The introvert is thinking, appropriately cautious, and slowing the pace of the conversation.)Extrovert: Oh, come on. You'll have a great time!Introvert: You see, I'm different from you that way. That kind of event is not that fun for me. (changing a universal a.s.sumption to a subjective, individual one) Extrovert: Oh, but this is different than a lot of the lame parties in town...Introvert: But that's just the problem. The more "successful" the party, the less I'm likely to enjoy it.Extrovert: Okay, now I'm totally confused. (good-you've deconstructed the a.s.sumption) Introvert: I can see why you'd be confused. When it comes to parties, you and I are probably opposites: you like them big and stimulating. I don't like parties very much in general, but the ones I like are small and intimate.Extrovert: (at this point the extrovert may get it, or may push harder) That's too bad. I was really hoping you'd go with me.Introvert: That's sweet of you, but think about it: you won't want to hang with me all night. You'll want to talk with everyone, and as you mingle, I'll feel abandoned.Extrovert: I would never do that!Introvert: That's not my point. I think it's great that you enjoy talking to so many people! It's just not my thing. If I spend time with you, I like you all to myself. It is not fair for me to expect that of you at a party, and it's not fair for you to expect me to mingle.

Extrovert: Hmm, that makes sense.

This kind of conversation is easier one-on-one, especially with a close friend. But it can also be hard for a good friend to realize that something he enjoys is no fun for you. Your friend has a right to feel whatever he feels about it, but that doesn't mean you need to change how you you feel. Introvert-extrovert friends often negotiate compromises once these differences are acknowledged. It is one thing to go to a party to help out a friend who needs you and appreciates what it means for you to go. But it's another, much harder, thing to go under the oppression of an a.s.sumption that excludes you. feel. Introvert-extrovert friends often negotiate compromises once these differences are acknowledged. It is one thing to go to a party to help out a friend who needs you and appreciates what it means for you to go. But it's another, much harder, thing to go under the oppression of an a.s.sumption that excludes you.

As in the example above, saying no to a friend can be the beginning of understanding. Some friends may admit that they don't really like parties that much either. Once you start challenging the extroversion a.s.sumption, it will start to crumble all around you. You may be surprised at the anti-party sentiment that others had been keeping at bay.

I prefer to interact with people one-on-one. Any more than that, and the dynamic becomes compet.i.tive and then I get bored easily when I'm not directly partic.i.p.ating in the exchange. I have fought this for years, feeling it was more "polite" or appropriate to chime in with pieces of my mind. Not anymore. I'm fine sitting back and letting others try to outs.h.i.+ne each other.

-Suzanne, paralegal by day, who would rather spend her downtime reading, crafting, painting, writing, running, walking, or shopping-alone.

But what if the person inviting you is not a close friend, and you don't really want to get into it? You may still want to do a little introvert activism and tell the person that you don't enjoy large gatherings, but appreciate that he or she thought of you. If you want to get to know that person better, you could suggest getting together for lunch instead.

If you just want to get out of it, there's always the introvert backup: "other plans." Be prepared for an intrusive extrovert to inquire about your plans. You don't have to honor the question: just look at the person as if you are sure you heard him wrong (the "surely you didn't just ask me to explain what I'm doing" look) and go on as if he truly did not ask.

Regardless of the situation, adopting the introversion a.s.sumption will help. If we a.s.sume introversion, we can a.s.sume, "Parties are generally disappointing and stressful, and there are loads of better options." It will take discipline and practice to resist the knee-jerk impulse to apologize and/or defend your reasons for not going. Stay somewhere between "No way in h.e.l.l" and "I hate hate that I've got plans that night-it sounds so fun!" Acknowledge the good intentions of the person inviting you, and then decline without equivocation. that I've got plans that night-it sounds so fun!" Acknowledge the good intentions of the person inviting you, and then decline without equivocation.

PROS AND CONS What if you have mixed feelings What if you have mixed feelings about going? There is a great deal of variability among introverts and among parties: some introverts have a lot of extrovert in their personalities, and some parties have introvert appeal. Get the information you need to make an informed choice. Look at these factors: How big is the party? Get a guesstimate on how many people are expected. As a general rule, more people will mean more energy drain. Get a guesstimate on how many people are expected. As a general rule, more people will mean more energy drain.

What is the setting for the party? An indoor party in the middle of winter will probably feel more confining than a summer party on somebody's farm. Consider the people-to-s.p.a.ce ratio. Are there places to hide out and be alone? Are there places to sit? Can you easily take a walk? An indoor party in the middle of winter will probably feel more confining than a summer party on somebody's farm. Consider the people-to-s.p.a.ce ratio. Are there places to hide out and be alone? Are there places to sit? Can you easily take a walk?

Do you know most of the people there? This is a huge factor for introverts. A party of intimate friends is a completely different animal from the "meet and greet" type of party. The fewer people you know, the more oppressive the party will be. And even if you know people, do you know them well enough to cut past the preliminaries? Will introverted friends be there? This is a huge factor for introverts. A party of intimate friends is a completely different animal from the "meet and greet" type of party. The fewer people you know, the more oppressive the party will be. And even if you know people, do you know them well enough to cut past the preliminaries? Will introverted friends be there?

Is there something to do other than talk? The worst parties for introverts are in uncomfortable and confined settings, where the only options at hand are to talk or to stand and watch other people talk. The worst parties for introverts are in uncomfortable and confined settings, where the only options at hand are to talk or to stand and watch other people talk.

How easy will it be to leave? Here's another biggie. If there is a lot of ceremony involved, it may be very difficult to extract yourself without seeming rude. Here's another biggie. If there is a lot of ceremony involved, it may be very difficult to extract yourself without seeming rude.

In addition to the party setup, you'll want to consider the person inviting you. There are good reasons to attend even the worst kind of party, like when your boss invites you, or when your partner really wants to take you, or when your extroverted friend just got dumped by his girlfriend and needs the party and and you. But even in these cases, there is often room for negotiation. you. But even in these cases, there is often room for negotiation.

ESTABLIs.h.i.+NG YOUR TERMS.

The toughest party situations usually have to do with work. If your boss tells you to go, it's probably a good idea to go. It helps to be clear in your own mind that this event is work, work, and to think about the role you are being asked to play. If your company is hosting a party, see if you can volunteer to help out, preferably and to think about the role you are being asked to play. If your company is hosting a party, see if you can volunteer to help out, preferably behind behind the scenes. This will give you something to do other than talking and will also impress your boss. Of course, playing bartender or running for supplies may not be an option if you're a high profile employee. If your job is to mingle, think of yourself as an actor, playing your work role while reserving a part of yourself to observe and narrate the situation. But be clear with yourself: the party is work, and does not count as your weekend entertainment! the scenes. This will give you something to do other than talking and will also impress your boss. Of course, playing bartender or running for supplies may not be an option if you're a high profile employee. If your job is to mingle, think of yourself as an actor, playing your work role while reserving a part of yourself to observe and narrate the situation. But be clear with yourself: the party is work, and does not count as your weekend entertainment!

What about a party that is really important to a loved one? Here are some negotiating points to consider: Introvert time. You'll need downtime to restore your energy. How will you get that? If you're a couple with kids, your spouse may agree to entertain the children the next evening so you can have the house to yourself. If you know you won't get enough one-on-one time with your date, work that in too. Making an appearance and going out afterwards can be a nice compromise. Introvert time. You'll need downtime to restore your energy. How will you get that? If you're a couple with kids, your spouse may agree to entertain the children the next evening so you can have the house to yourself. If you know you won't get enough one-on-one time with your date, work that in too. Making an appearance and going out afterwards can be a nice compromise.

Driving arrangements. Drive separately, agree on a departure time, arrange to leave early with another introvert, or have your date spring for cab fare home. Driving arrangements. Drive separately, agree on a departure time, arrange to leave early with another introvert, or have your date spring for cab fare home.

Establish a "no abandonment" rule. If your partner or friend really wants you along, he or she can also Establish a "no abandonment" rule. If your partner or friend really wants you along, he or she can also be be a friend by staying with you or "checking in" if you mingle separately, and by taking "breaks" with you for one-on-one activity or conversation. You can even establish nonverbal signals to communicate your status, such as "break," "bored," and "done." a friend by staying with you or "checking in" if you mingle separately, and by taking "breaks" with you for one-on-one activity or conversation. You can even establish nonverbal signals to communicate your status, such as "break," "bored," and "done."

There are rare circ.u.mstances that may call for a full immersion in the party scene in the name of love. When a dear extroverted friend of mine was reeling after a tough breakup, I accompanied her to a huge, high-end party that I would not otherwise be caught dead attending. My only reservation was the cost, which she happily covered for both of us. I stayed by her side, endured the numerous introductions, helped her snub her ex, who was also there, and eventually got out of the way when she met up with a former love interest of hers. As they danced, I took a long walk in the moonlight, sat on the hillside, made a couple of calls on my cell, sat in my Miata and looked up at the sky. I checked in on my friend between these excursions, and even accompanied her to the after party-the dance partner was also headed that way. I stayed until I a.s.sessed that she was in good hands, and finally drove home sometime before dawn. I knew my presence meant a lot to her, and I didn't carry away an ounce of resentment.

INTROVERTING AT THE PARTY.

If you decide to go, be a good friend to yourself and stick with your introversion. Here's how: Plan your escape. Before you go, develop your exit strategy. If your date or friend has agreed to leave early with you, have a backup plan. Agreements can break down-your friend falls in love, your partner gets a chance to talk to an important contact. Work out Before you go, develop your exit strategy. If your date or friend has agreed to leave early with you, have a backup plan. Agreements can break down-your friend falls in love, your partner gets a chance to talk to an important contact. Work out in advance in advance how you'll get home if "Plan A" fails. If you are not driving separately, have a taxi service or friend or both on call, phone number programmed into your cell. Bring money. Also think through how to escape confining conversations and how to leave unfas.h.i.+onably early. You can always ask a friend or family member to call at a certain time and "need you." how you'll get home if "Plan A" fails. If you are not driving separately, have a taxi service or friend or both on call, phone number programmed into your cell. Bring money. Also think through how to escape confining conversations and how to leave unfas.h.i.+onably early. You can always ask a friend or family member to call at a certain time and "need you."

Be a flaneur. This approach is best suited to a large party with mostly strangers. Bringing a notebook, camera, or sketchpad will establish a boundary and vantage point for observation. Pretend you're invisible and walk among people without trying to engage. Being comfortably alone at a party communicates confidence; trying too hard to engage actually puts you in a weaker position. If you're in someone's home, study the artwork and bookcases; look through picture alb.u.ms and coffee table books that have been placed out. Use the party as artistic material. This approach is best suited to a large party with mostly strangers. Bringing a notebook, camera, or sketchpad will establish a boundary and vantage point for observation. Pretend you're invisible and walk among people without trying to engage. Being comfortably alone at a party communicates confidence; trying too hard to engage actually puts you in a weaker position. If you're in someone's home, study the artwork and bookcases; look through picture alb.u.ms and coffee table books that have been placed out. Use the party as artistic material.

Bring your cell phone. A cell phone is an automatic excuse for privacy. There doesn't even have to be anyone on the other end! You can dictate a story about the party into your voice mail at home. A cell phone is an automatic excuse for privacy. There doesn't even have to be anyone on the other end! You can dictate a story about the party into your voice mail at home.

Go for a walk. A walk in the fresh air can help restore your energy. To avoid having a search party looking for you, let your escort or host know you're stepping out for a bit but will be back. A walk in the fresh air can help restore your energy. To avoid having a search party looking for you, let your escort or host know you're stepping out for a bit but will be back.

Find an animal or child. Play with the family pet or rock a baby as the mom mingles. These less verbal companions can provide comfort while meeting a need. Play with the family pet or rock a baby as the mom mingles. These less verbal companions can provide comfort while meeting a need.

Find an introvert. See if you can identify the introverts in the room. By consciously looking, you will notice people who are bored, off somewhere else in their minds or trying to convince a friend that it's time to go. You'll see people sneaking out early. Look to the fringes of the party and in the shadows. If you find someone who looks as lost as you feel, risk saying "h.e.l.lo" and perhaps, "are you as bored as I am?" You may have found a friend. See if you can identify the introverts in the room. By consciously looking, you will notice people who are bored, off somewhere else in their minds or trying to convince a friend that it's time to go. You'll see people sneaking out early. Look to the fringes of the party and in the shadows. If you find someone who looks as lost as you feel, risk saying "h.e.l.lo" and perhaps, "are you as bored as I am?" You may have found a friend.

Be real. If you want real, be real. You don't have to keep small talk small. You can be polite without selling out. You can acknowledge someone without grinning from ear to ear. Let your depth be evident in your manner, and the people you meet will actually meet If you want real, be real. You don't have to keep small talk small. You can be polite without selling out. You can acknowledge someone without grinning from ear to ear. Let your depth be evident in your manner, and the people you meet will actually meet you. you.

The challenge of maintaining your integrity as an introvert in the context of a party can actually be a strengthening experience. But then again, so can walking on hot coals. Know what you're getting into, get out before you burn out, and congratulate yourself for making it through.

Chapter 13:.

Why Did I Want to Work with People?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.-Woody Allen Introverts spend a lot of time pondering the big questions. Our love of ideas often inspires us to pursue n.o.ble work. But, as we soon find, these jobs don't pay us for sitting in a soft chair and thinking big thoughts. Once on the job, we discover-to our horror-that we are expected to carry out carry out the big ideas, and that usually means talking to PEOPLE. Usually, by the time we discover this, we are up to our ears in debt-not just for the student loans, but also to our own ideals. the big ideas, and that usually means talking to PEOPLE. Usually, by the time we discover this, we are up to our ears in debt-not just for the student loans, but also to our own ideals.

Of course, at some level we knew we'd be working with people, whether as clients, customers, or coworkers. But we were having so much fun studying studying the ideas that we put off that reality. Time to look at that dreaded question, "What do you DO?" the ideas that we put off that reality. Time to look at that dreaded question, "What do you DO?"

DOING VERSUS THINKING.

It is typical of our extroverted, externally-oriented society that we define ourselves by what we do do rather than what we rather than what we think and feel. think and feel. "Doing" is the observable part and, for many of us, says very little about our work. If you were to observe me in a psychotherapy session, much of what I do is hidden: listening, integrating ideas, looking for patterns, and searching my own experience for empathic links. Most of the statements I make in a session result from a complex internal process. Likewise, much of my internal process remains hidden but forms a foundation for my overall understanding. "Doing" is the observable part and, for many of us, says very little about our work. If you were to observe me in a psychotherapy session, much of what I do is hidden: listening, integrating ideas, looking for patterns, and searching my own experience for empathic links. Most of the statements I make in a session result from a complex internal process. Likewise, much of my internal process remains hidden but forms a foundation for my overall understanding.

For introverts, the ideas ideas behind the work are what matters most. We like to produce and create too, but we know that there is always "more than meets the eye." This is why it is sometimes hard for introverts to find words: we really hate to compromise, and words are always a compromise. And if words are a compromise, behind the work are what matters most. We like to produce and create too, but we know that there is always "more than meets the eye." This is why it is sometimes hard for introverts to find words: we really hate to compromise, and words are always a compromise. And if words are a compromise, work work is often a big fat disappointment. is often a big fat disappointment.

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

-attributed to Aristotle Like many introverts, I was drawn to my field because I loved the learning of it: exploring the mysteries of the mind and its mechanisms, understanding and developing theories to make sense of it all, and applying what I learned to my own psychology. I'm not sure when it hit me-when it really sunk in-that my focus would necessarily be reduced and impeded when the work became interactive.

Though we also learn through our interactions, introverts prefer prefer to learn through independent a.n.a.lysis. Leave us alone and we'll figure it out. But how much time do you get at work to be alone and figure it out, without interruption? What if your job is interactive? How well does the work you wanted match up with the work you have? to learn through independent a.n.a.lysis. Leave us alone and we'll figure it out. But how much time do you get at work to be alone and figure it out, without interruption? What if your job is interactive? How well does the work you wanted match up with the work you have?

WHAT IS WORK?.

When we work, we expend energy in exchange for some kind of reward. I find it helpful to distinguish two different kinds of work: Natural Work, the work you are compelled to do because of who you are, and Imposed Work, the work that is hard not only inherently, but also because you have to push yourself to do it. For me, working through conflict with my husband is the former; it takes energy and can be quite difficult, but n.o.body has to tell me to do it. I hunger for the intimacy and understanding that such work generates. I hunger for him. him. n.o.body could n.o.body could stop stop me from doing this work. This is Natural Work. me from doing this work. This is Natural Work.

Another kind of Natural Work I do is writing. It takes energy, sometimes it is extremely hard, and sometimes it takes everything I have. But I am compelled. I have filled journal after journal, voluntarily, since I was a young child. I need need to write. I love books: the feel of them-they are sacred to me. And to write. I love books: the feel of them-they are sacred to me. And words! words! Searching for the "just right" words is worth an exhausting journey; finding them, whether they are mine or someone else's, is like holding something precious and delicate-a rare jewel, a newborn baby. I love everything about writing: the paper, the pens, the desk and drawers. I love it even when I hate it, just as I love my husband even when I hate him. Searching for the "just right" words is worth an exhausting journey; finding them, whether they are mine or someone else's, is like holding something precious and delicate-a rare jewel, a newborn baby. I love everything about writing: the paper, the pens, the desk and drawers. I love it even when I hate it, just as I love my husband even when I hate him.

When you start to look at your Natural Work, you'll probably find many examples in your own life. We are compelled to have babies, even though they ask much more than they can give. We are compelled to create and invent and tackle the mysteries of life. Use the following questions to help you identify your Natural Work: What is your greatest gift? Your gift is something you may not think much about, because it comes easily for you. You would probably do it whether you were paid for it or not. But it is not easy for everyone. Others may marvel at your gift because for them it is a mystery, something they can't imagine doing. Are you indulging this gift through your work? Your gift is something you may not think much about, because it comes easily for you. You would probably do it whether you were paid for it or not. But it is not easy for everyone. Others may marvel at your gift because for them it is a mystery, something they can't imagine doing. Are you indulging this gift through your work?

When do you feel "in your element"? Some call it being Some call it being in the flow. in the flow. I call it that "sweet spot" where work and play intersect. You are present, engaged, and free of conflict. I call it that "sweet spot" where work and play intersect. You are present, engaged, and free of conflict.

What do you do naturally? Do you attend to the details others neglect? Are you good at making difficult concepts understandable? Do you secretly love to clean? Do you chart out everything on paper without even thinking about it? Get input from the people closest to you, and ask family members what you were "into" as a child. Pull all of this together, and write a job description, outlining the NaturalWork you engage in, paid or unpaid, mundane or profound. Can you identify a theme? Perhaps your nature compels you to create beauty, to find solutions, or to heal the suffering. See if you can come up with a t.i.tle to capture the essence of this work. Are you a "Truth Seeker," a "Nurturer of Life," a "Freedom Promoter"? What is your core purpose or priority?

In America, we don't talk much about what is at the core. We talk about the "top priority" and the "bottom line." We talk about goals and ends rather than constants. Introverts have access to something much more stable-and powerful. That is, if the Imposed Work doesn't pull us off center.

When I worked at the hospital on the post-op unit, I would have about six patients per night. The amount of energy and courage it took for me to walk in and introduce myself to the patient and usually family members was sometimes overwhelming. The first time I had to do it in nursing school was terrifying. I just had to FAKE it.

-Margit, who knew she'd be a good nurse because of her capacity for empathy Work doesn't pull us off center.