Mr. Punch's Country Life Part 7

FURTHER ILl.u.s.tRATION OF THE MINING DISTRICTS.--_First Polite Native._ "Who's 'im, Bill?"

_Second ditto._ "A stranger!"

_First ditto._ "'Eave 'arf a brick at 'im."

HOW TO TREAT ROUGH DIAMONDS.--Cut them!

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_District Visitor._ "Well, Mrs. Hodges, going to have a cup of tea?"

_Mrs. Hodges._ "Oh no, miss; we're just goin' to 'ave a was.h.!.+"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT!

"Well, Johnson, been to the doctor, as I told you?"

"Yes, m'lord."

"And what did he say was the matter with you?"

"'E says it's just _general ability_, m'lord, that's all!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

SAGACITY.--_Countryman._ "Fi' pounds too much for him? He's a won'erful good sportin' daug, sir! Why, he come to a dead pint in the street, sir, close ag'in a ol' gen'leman, the other day--'fust o' September it was, sir!--an' the gen'leman told me arterwards as his name were 'Partridge'!"

_Customer._ "You don't say so!" [_Bargain struck._]

HORTICULTURE UP TO DATE

Stimulated by the recent achievements of a horticulturist, who is about to place on the market the "pomato," a blend of the apple and tomato, and the "plumcot," a mixture of plum and apricot, _Mr. Punch_ hopes soon to be able to announce the successful rearing of the following novelties:--

_The c.u.mberry._--This may be regarded either as a very long gooseberry or a very short cuc.u.mber, according to fancy. When fully ripe the skin is thin and the contents pulpy. Unripe it is like a cobble, and may be used as such. _Mr. Punch_ is disposed to think that the over-ripe c.u.mberry will be very popular at elections, especially when eggs are scarce. The hairy variety looks like a fat caterpillar, and makes very good grub.

_The Mistletato_, a happy combination of the romantic and the domestic.

This fruit, which has a very piquant flavour, has been grown in a small patch of soil, concealed, like King CHARLES, among the branches of an oak. Hence it is not surprising that the Mistletato should combine the nouris.h.i.+ng qualities of the homely tuber with the sentimental a.s.sociations of that plant which was revered by our Druid ancestors and is beloved by modern maidens. It should be a popular dish at wedding breakfasts.

_The Pumpkonion_ promises well and seems likely to combine the amplitude of the pumpkin with the pungency of the onion. _Mr. Punch_ is of opinion that a machine will have to be invented for dealing with this vegetable, as to handle it would be too severe a tax upon the cook's lachrymal glands.

_The Turniparrot_ and the _Parsniparagus_ are not yet sufficiently developed to be described with any confidence. Many others are only in an incipient state at present, but _Mr. Punch_ hopes to be able before long to announce that he has brought several to maturity, including the Collage and the Cabbyflower.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.--

_Stepmother_ (_entering village school with whip_). "My boy tells me you broke your cane across his back yesterday?"

_Schoolmaster_ (_turning pale_). "Well, I--I may have struck harder than I intended, but----."

_Stepmother._ "I thought I'd make you a present of this whip. You'll find it'll last longer and do him more good!"]

A RIDDLE FROM COLNEY HATCH.--_Q._ Why have we reason to suppose that a bee is a rook?

_A._ Because.

THE ORIGIN OF RURAL DECADENCE.--Through communications corrupt good manners.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "SECOND THOUGHTS"

_Priest._ "Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife?"

_Bridegroom Elect._ "Well, aw's warned aw'll hev to hev her. But aw wad rayther hev her sister!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Vicar's Daughter._ "Awfully cold, isn't it, Mrs.

Muggles?"

_Mrs. Muggles._ "Yes, my dear. But, bless ye, I'm _lovely_ and warm!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Miss Townley._ "I think the country is just sweet. I love to see the peasant returning to his humble cot, his st.u.r.dy figure outlined against the setting sun, his faithful collie by his side, and his plough upon his shoulder!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_The Bishop of Lichborough_ (_who has been on a visit to a sporting squire_). "Now, I wonder if your man has remembered to put in my pastoral staff?"

_William_ (_overhearing_). "Yes, my lord. I've put your lords.h.i.+p's gun-case into the carriage!"]