American Outlaw Part 30

As I stood there and watched the happy young couple come together, I realized, with a sinking feeling, that this thing I had signed up for might not turn out as I'd hoped.

That evening, I called Janine from my hotel room in Vegas.

"I think we have to face facts. It's not working," I said, flatly. "I mean us. We're not working."

"Jesse, love, I can explain explain . . ." . . ."

"You punched punched me last night. Do you even remember that?" me last night. Do you even remember that?"

"I recall doing something something like that," she said, "but if you'd give me a chance to explain, I think you'd understand. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't feeling well . . ." like that," she said, "but if you'd give me a chance to explain, I think you'd understand. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't feeling well . . ."

"I'm frightened to be around you," I said. "Don't you get it?"

"A big, tough guy like you? Scared? Scared?"

"Janine," I said, exasperated. "I came from a violent family. Okay?"

"I know know that, but . . ." that, but . . ."

"One of my earliest memories is my dad breaking his hand in a fight with my mom," I said. "I heard heard him do it. They were yelling at each other for hours." him do it. They were yelling at each other for hours."

"Jesse, please . . ."

"Then I heard him hit something. I heard it through the wall of my bedroom. Do you know what that's like for a kid, Janine? The next day, his hand was broken. They both tried to tell me that he fell off a ladder. ladder. I was only six, but I was already too old to fall for that one." I was only six, but I was already too old to fall for that one."

Janine waited for a moment. "Well? What does that have to do with me?"

"I can't have that kind of thing in my house," I said. "I just . . . I can't have it."

"I didn't mean mean to," Janine sighed. "I to," Janine sighed. "I love love you, honey. Give me another chance." you, honey. Give me another chance."

After some more discussion, we agreed to try again. But my patience was running thin. And then, only a week later, an everyday argument exploded, and I left the house in a huff. Janine followed closely behind me.

"Get back here," she screamed. "Where are you going?"

"I'm out of here," I said, striding past her, toward my vehicle.

Without another word, Janine leaped into her car and gunned the engine. Dumbfounded, I watched as she jerked the car into reverse recklessly, then drove it straight toward me.

"What the f.u.c.k is WRONG with you!" I screamed, leaping out of the way. "You almost hit me, you crazy b.i.t.c.h!"

Janine backed the car up, revved the engine. Again, I leaped out of the way.

"That's it!" I cried. "You are so f.u.c.king out out of here! You're GONE! Now! of here! You're GONE! Now! Leave. Leave."

"Or what?" she screamed.

"Or I'm going to call the cops and have you arrested for a.s.sault, Janine!"

Quickly, she turned off the car, then said she didn't mean it. But by now I'd been through it enough times to recognize things weren't going to change. She had to go.

I watched in silence as she packed a suitcase, and then she left.

For the first time, I had the whole house to myself. I sat down in the kitchen, the weirdly silent kitchen, and poured myself a bowl of cereal. Slowly, I ate, looking out over the beach as I did so. I breathed in deeply, and exhaled a long, relieved breath. I had never felt so tranquil in my own home.

Janine had vacated the premises. But before doing so, she'd left a note: I hope we can work this out. I hope we can work this out.

I folded it carefully, then threw it in the trash.

"We were a mess," I confessed to Tyson, the next time he was back in California.

"Bro," he said, smiling, "I hate hate to tell you I told you so. But . . ." to tell you I told you so. But . . ."

"Why didn't anyone warn warn me?" I moaned. me?" I moaned.

"We tried to," he said. "But you just weren't ready to hear it."

I sat down at the kitchen table and looked at Tyson gravely. "You knew I came from a pretty messed-up home, right?"

"No," he admitted. "You never really mentioned it to me."

I sighed. "I just . . . I want to do better better than that. I can't let my kids grow up like I did." than that. I can't let my kids grow up like I did."

Tyson shook his head. "Jesse," he said, after a second, "no matter how hard it is, what you're doing right now is worth it, man. You have to try to make a new start without this woman."

I tried to make work fill my emotional void. The lineup of customers clamoring for expensive custom bikes was endless, so, digging in, I tried to face the stack of orders with renewed determination.

Soon I lost myself in the rhythmic, soothing tempo of welding. The mask flipped down over my head had never felt so protective. When I was under that metallic hood, shooting sparks and melting steel, I was free from human engagement. There were no stupid conversations. No mindless bulls.h.i.+tting about the NFL or horse racing. No wife who punched me in the f.u.c.king face.

Weeks pa.s.sed, and then months. Gradually I watched myself grow stronger. I spent the weekends alone with my kids, running on the beach with them, laughing, enjoying the process of watching them grow up. They were my saviors.

Still, I couldn't help but feel starved for companions.h.i.+p. I was so used to being in a relations.h.i.+p: Karla and I had been together for the better part of a decade, and I hadn't been alone for very long before I'd found myself head over heels for Janine. For better or for worse, I seemed most comfortable being part of a twosome. I guess I was coming around to the realization that I missed having a woman in my life when, right on cue, Janine finally called.

"I want to see you," she said seductively. "Can you guess why?"

"Janine," I said stiffly. "I really don't think that's a great idea."

"Oh, come on." She laughed. "You're not still still mad about what happened, are you?" mad about what happened, are you?"

"Which time?" I asked, angrily.

Janine laughed. "Honestly, honey, I feel awful awful about smacking you. You know I wasn't in the right head s.p.a.ce at the time. But I've got things in order now, and I want to make it up to you." about smacking you. You know I wasn't in the right head s.p.a.ce at the time. But I've got things in order now, and I want to make it up to you."

"Well," I said, my resolve weakening. "How exactly do you mean?"

Janine let her voice drop to a whisper. "I'd much rather show you in person than describe it on the phone."

Half an hour later, she was at my doorstep. Five minutes after that, we were in bed together.

We slept together, one last time-my l.u.s.t had gotten the better of me. But it wouldn't happen again. I had been wrong to believe that I could get closer to her. Janine was too violent, too unpredictable to form a life around. She would never be able to change.

"We should give this another shot," said Janine. "Don't you think?"

I shook my head. "No. This was a mistake."

Janine shrugged and began putting her clothing back on. "Well, you can't say I didn't try," she said, smiling and strangely smug. "I'll see myself out."

13.

Several months pa.s.sed without speaking to Janine. Slowly, I began to form plans for a life beyond our relations.h.i.+p, beyond a marriage that I already considered a regrettable mistake. I knew someday I would find a wiser, more stable person to spend time with. Until then, I would be best off alone.

Then one day, with no warning, Janine appeared at the shop.

"Can I speak with you?" she asked, looking serious.

"You came by on the wrong day," I said stiffly, not looking up from my work. "No filming happening here."

"I'm pregnant."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me," Janine said, steadily. "I'm pregnant, Jesse. We're going to have a baby."

My mouth hung open, like I'd been sucker punched in the stomach. Immediately, I called bulls.h.i.+t.

"We've been broken up for months."

"The last night we spent together," she said, shaking her head. "It must have been then."

"No way, way," I said, folding my arms stubbornly. "Impossible. I mean, what are the chances?"

"Hey," Janine said, shrugging. "I've done the math, and it had had to have been then. I haven't been with anyone else." to have been then. I haven't been with anyone else."

"Why would I believe that that?" I snorted. "I don't know who you've been spending time with lately."

"For all I've done wrong, honey, I've never once wanted to be with anyone else," Janine said. "You can believe me or not, but it's yours, Jesse. I promise."

I felt frantic. I had no idea what to say or do. In a single instant, my entire world had just been turned upside down.

"You and I can't can't have a baby," I protested weakly. have a baby," I protested weakly.

"We don't have any choice," Janine said.

"We tried this already. It didn't work. Remember?"

"I'm starting to think that we should give it another chance," Janine said, patiently. "You know, I don't think we've tried hard enough, yet."

"No," I said stubbornly. "I tried. tried. I tried d.a.m.n hard. You know what? I want a paternity test." I tried d.a.m.n hard. You know what? I want a paternity test."

"Oh, fine!" Janine said, the frustration finally rising in her voice. "If you want to be difficult about it, then off we go."

That week, we drove together in silence to an expensive doctor's appointment, where a prenatal sampling of Janine's ripening placenta returned the verdict that I had been fearing all along.

"See?" Janine said triumphantly. "I told told you it was yours. Didn't I?" you it was yours. Didn't I?"

I slumped forward, in shock. "What the h.e.l.l are we going to do now?"

"We'll just have to get along, that's all." Janine kissed me on my neck, and looked into my eyes expectantly. "Because, Jesse, we're going to raise this little baby together. together."

That very evening, she moved back into my house. She marched her clothes back into the closet, marshaled her lipsticks along her side of the bathroom sink.

"I missed missed this," Janine said, kissing me gently. "I missed making a home with you." this," Janine said, kissing me gently. "I missed making a home with you."

I shook my head, still not knowing what to think or how to feel. "Janine . . ."

"Yes, honey?" she asked, turning on the television, settling back onto my bed, as if she had never left.

"This is all happening way too fast for me," I said. "I had sort of gotten used to the idea of . . . well, of us having separated. separated."

"We did separate," Janine said patiently. "But," she wagged her index finger at me, "we didn't divorce. And aren't you happy now that we didn't? That would have been a bunch of unnecessary paperwork, huh? I mean, now that we're getting back together."

"What?" I said.

Janine raised herself up on one elbow and looked at me oddly. "Honey, we're having a child together. Of course Of course we're getting back together. It may take some work, but I'm willing to do my part. Aren't you?" we're getting back together. It may take some work, but I'm willing to do my part. Aren't you?"

"s.h.i.+t," I stammered, "I don't know. I mean . . . maybe . . . but if I'm going to do this, there's got to be some rules, okay?"

"That's fine," Janine said. "Like what?"

"Like, no more crazy fighting. fighting. I can't deal with it, Janine!" I can't deal with it, Janine!"

"Um, I hate hate to say this," Janine said, calmly, "but to say this," Janine said, calmly, "but you're you're the one who's yelling right now." the one who's yelling right now."

I tensed my fists. "Look. I just need this to be different than it was. I don't want to have the same kind of marriage that my folks did. I can't stand battling against you all the time. I can't stand being scared to bring my kids kids around someone who I'm supposed to be in love with . . ." around someone who I'm supposed to be in love with . . ."

"So, hey, hey-just take a deep breath, breath, baby," Janine said, laughing. "I mean, your blood pressure must be going through the baby," Janine said, laughing. "I mean, your blood pressure must be going through the roof roof! Wow, what the h.e.l.l's got into you since I've been gone?"

"What's got into me?" I whispered.