From The Memoirs Of A Non-Enemy Combatant Part 14

No Man's Land.

I have known fear and the terrors of solitude.

-Yves Saint Laurent.

Boyet R. Hernandez, Plaintiff.

How long have I been in No Man's Land? Shall I count the days? It has been more than five months since the Overwhelming Event, the s.n.a.t.c.h and grab that rendered me here. Another sweltering New York summer has pa.s.sed, and now fall is darkening toward winter back in the city. See the foliage in the parks, like feathers on a turkey! See the wet raindrops dancing off the sides of cab windows! All of this, I can only imagine. To think the collection Gil Johannessen called a "bildungsroman" was composed for this very season, and I am not in New York to see it worn! Bildungsroman! Such a phallic term! I have completely forgotten its meaning, can you believe it? That's what five months in No Man's Land will do to you. Your mind becomes so clouded with dirty thoughts, b.l.o.o.d.y thoughts, that you begin to lose sight of what once seemed so important.

In here they make every effort to keep those b.l.o.o.d.y thoughts away by doctoring their own lexicon. A No Man's Land lingua franca. Did you know that in No Man's Land we have a hundred words for suicide? It's true. Self-injurious behavior (SIB), hanging gesture, asymmetric warfare, self-harm (attempted suicide), induced cardiac failure, checkout pact (hunger strike), life circ.u.mvention, personal extinction, grooming incision (cut while shaving), the list goes on and on. But never will you hear anyone mention suicide. It is completely forbidden! And you won't hear any of us called prisoners either. That's forbidden too. We are detainees. It is all very clever on their part. Because we are not called prisoners, they don't have to charge us with a crime.

I no longer see Riad, my bathing partner. I heard from Cunningham that he had stopped eating. It was in protest, no longer about the plastic water bottles being taken away, but about the bigger picture: No Man's Land. And just like that, Riad disappeared from the block. They moved him to the infirmary, where, I hear, he is force-fed through a tube via his right nostril. "He's a vegetable," said Cunningham. "The man is lost. The man is a vegetable. Who gives a f.u.c.k."

Earlier today I received a letter from the president, dated this very day, November 3, 2006. An MP I had never seen before brought it directly to me, bypa.s.sing the hands of my day guard, Win. The envelope bore the official seal of the executive office: a bald eagle dressed in a s.h.i.+eld, holding in its talons an olive branch and arrows. The seal actually says SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I always a.s.sumed it said something else; "life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness," something like that. Anyway, at the sight of the president's seal, my heart bounced. It was the first piece of mail I had received since the letter from my lawyer. An apology, I thought, from the president himself. Only it was no such thing. The letter informed me of my upcoming tribunal. The President of the United States v. Boyet R. Hernandez, plaintiff. It

went on to explain that the proceedings would determine my status as an enemy combatant or "no longer enemy combatant."1 It mentioned who would be present at the tribunal (a judge, a prosecutor, and my personal representative, no jury), and stated that I would be meeting with my personal representative in due time. In due time! With my tribunal closing in on me (just two weeks from the day, said the letter), they still haven't made it clear just when I would be meeting this elusive phantom, the man who is to defend my life! And not a mention of my lawyer in New York being present at the tribunal.

The letter had a return address:.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Was.h.i.+ngton, DC 20006.

My special agent has read everything I have written up to now. All of it he consumed directly in front of me during our latest reservation. To keep me busy during the hours it took him to read my confession, he brought me a review of Mich.e.l.le's play from the Daily News (again severely outdated, again with certain details redacted). He also brought me the October issue of Vogue and a carton of doughnuts. It is as if Spyro antic.i.p.ates my needs before I myself know them, and I find that he brings the only consistency to my life here in No Man's Land. His willingness to please reminds me of, well...me. I was once willing to please everyone in my path, and I found out soon enough that it always got me what I wanted. But don't misunderstand me. Spyro doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. I never did such a thing either. No, I'm finding him to be completely genuine in his intent to extract the truth. And it is because of his genuine nature that I want nothing more than to please him. To give him the facts straight, to remember those things that I may think insignificant but which he deems very useful.

"You're quite the toast of Broadway," he said when he handed me the article.

"Off Broadway," I corrected him.

"It's only an expression. Don't get bent out of shape," Spyro said. And he let me read the review. Which I did.

Try to picture your life adapted into a performance. Things are twisted for the benefit of the audience's enjoyment. You see, it is more entertaining for all if I am the fas.h.i.+on terrorist. Mich.e.l.le is more sympathetic as the victim. Motives make more sense once they are overly simplified. It's all part of the entertainment. Events need to be fabricated in order to resolve the third act. That's theater. Sure, everyone knows a play is a work of fiction. But out of that fiction the audience is forever searching for the one or two nuggets of truth. Which may they be? Maybe this one, maybe that one, they're guessing. But who really knows? What you have is an audience of reasonable intelligence swayed by a bunch of actors telling lies. That's what fiction is. Lies. Spyro of all people should know this, considering it was his Greeks who banned storytellers for their mental poisoning.2 Perhaps he was indeed asking himself as he read my own doc.u.ment: What can I believe? Is this true confession a flawless rendering of the facts? One must take into consideration the extreme circ.u.mstances under which I must compose my confession. I'm alone in my cell. I'm surrounded by a bunch of no-good terrorists. I am under twenty-four-hour watch. While my little pen scratches this yellow pad, I practically have a gun to my head. (So to speak. Spyro would never do such a thing. Nor would Win or Cunningham. They're all unarmed.) I haven't the time to make a mistake. There are no rehearsals in No Man's Land. Here it's do or die...and shame on you if you tell a lie.

I was so disgusted with what I was reading in the review of The Enemy at Home that I had to stop myself several times in order to consume one of the doughnuts Spyro had brought along. Lou Diamond Philips's performance as Guy the Fas.h.i.+on Terrorist was called "heroic in light of such a dark tragedy." And Chloe, who apparently "bares all" as Freedom, made "a debut of the highest order." And would you believe, there is not a mention of me or my situation in the review. It is as if I've been completely forgotten. The play revolves around a fas.h.i.+on designer, loosely based on my life, and there's not a nod in my direction. "In light of such a dark tragedy..." Yet no mention of what is so tragic. Not since Andrew Koonanan's3 shooting spree, which ended with the tragic death of Gianni Versace (and thankfully one less Koonanan, who did his own honor) has a cloud this dark been cast over the industry, and already I've been forgotten.

Anyway, after such a traumatizing experience, I really had no interest in reading Vogue. I flipped through the magazine merely to please my special agent, because he had brought it all this way. Its contents seemed irrelevant to anything in my life. I'm beginning to realize that as time progresses my career, my friends, my love affairs, each aspect of self so carefully detailed in my confession is growing less and less important to me. It's as if by writing about them I am willing to let them go.

Have I really suppressed something, like my interrogator suggests? Something so despicable I can't even recall it?

After a short while of feigning interest in the magazine, I put it down and ate the rest of the doughnuts.

Spyro read through my legal pads with a steady determination, flipping through pages at a much quicker pace than I would have expected. No one should have to be put through a thing like this-sitting across from their most important critic while he scrutinizes the given work. It was my life, the truth, written down for him to judge. (The letter from the president has reminded me that it is my life on trial. I sometimes forget that. What an incomprehensible notion, being on trial for one's life. It is almost impossible to fathom.) I would liken the experience of having my confession read like this to that of a fas.h.i.+on show, where editors and buyers make notes while viewing one's collection. But at least as a designer one gets to wait backstage and isn't subjected to their scrutiny head-on. Spyro, however, remained a complete professional as always and rarely broke from his stern reading face: crinkled brow, pursed lips, etc. Only when he released a spurt of air through his nostrils did I relax. For I realized he was holding back a laugh. He found something in my confession funny. This placed me at ease. And he continued to read on.

Where was I on May 25, 2006? Spyro wanted to know as he turned the final page of my confession.

The significance of the date had escaped me, although I knew we were getting closer to the Overwhelming Event.

"It was the day Ahmed was arrested," he clarified. "Do you remember where you were?"

"I can't say that I do," I said.

"See if this will help you remember. You were at the Hotel Gansevoort. You had a meeting with Habib Naseer, or Hajji, as you know him."

Spyro was revealing to me for the first time that he knew much more than he'd let on. I recalled the period he was speaking of. Yes, I remembered. It was Fleet Week. The city was full of handsome sailors in their pressed whites, real men on R&R walking up and down Seventh and Eighth avenues and haunting those hideous Bleeker Street bars for Joanie and Chachi.4 This was a most stressful time for me. I was still trying to put the plans in motion for the overseas manufacturer to fulfill the Barneys order. The argument I'd had with Ahmed nearly a month prior had resolved nothing. I hadn't heard from him since. And so I was a tad sour about the whole ordeal and grateful for the diversions New York's annual seamen's surge offered.

Fleet Week in a lot of ways reminded me of the Manila of my youth, when my mother would take me on errands in the Malate district. From the window of our Mazda I'd often see tall, handsome Americans in khaki officer uniforms walking around the city with shopping bags, flirting on street corners with the college girls along Taft Avenue. Odd, but I remember wanting to be one of those girls, giggling at the attention they were getting from the Americans. For a young pinoy, soaking in the attention of Americans was something to be desired.

I was, in fact, at the Hotel Gansevoort on the night of May 25 (I take my special agent's word on the date), but I wasn't there to see the man I knew as Hajji. I was there for a party, the launch of Philip Tang's new shoe line, Size 2.0. Beforehand, I'd dined with Vivienne Cho at the Spotted Pig on raw oysters and a glazed pork belly. Nothing to report. On the way to the Gansevoort we went for a walk along the West Side Highway, then out to one of the piers to get a look at the s.h.i.+ps parked in the Hudson, the ma.s.sive vessels that transported the heroes back and forth from the war with the Iraqis.

Watching the sailors walk along an adjacent pier in the distance, Vivienne said to me, "I don't think I could love a man in uniform."

"Neither could I," I said.

"I'm being serious. A man who's away at war. A soldier. To love one would drive me crazy with worry."

"You can't love a man who's around all the time either."

"With my record, you're right. But at least I'd be getting laid daily."

"Sounds so penciled in. s.e.x is supposed to be spontaneous, an urge that comes over you, not a recurring event in your BlackBerry. Imagine the s.e.x you'd have with one of these sailors home on leave."

"Honeymoon s.e.x. It would be righteous. I'd be doing my country a righteous thing."

"Glorious patriotism. You've inspired me. I'm going to find myself a girl sailor tonight."

"They're all lesbians."

"They are not. It'd be the perfect match. I would relish the fact that she'd be away at sea for most of the year. I would write to her every week, sometimes twice if I felt compelled. And when she came back I would wors.h.i.+p the ground beneath her feet. That's how I could make a relations.h.i.+p work. To be left in waiting for six-month intervals."

"The many upsides to dating a sailor. Look. Now's our chance." Vivienne pointed to two sailors on the pier who were out for an evening stroll. A man and a woman, timeless, as if Ralph Lauren had magically willed them into existence. "We should invite them to Philip's party," she said.

"It's Fleet Week themed. They'll fit right in."

"Perfect."

Vivienne approached the two officers and invited them, only they declined.

"They say they're not to stray far from base." She indicated their s.h.i.+p, the USS Katharine Hepburn.5 "Isn't that darling?"

"Did you mention it was open bar? Did you mention models both male and female?"

"They're married to the sea, I guess."

What is it about a great body of water that gets me so sentimental? Standing at the edge of the pier, before those giant s.h.i.+ps lit up like Christmas, I once again thought of my first day in America, when the Statue of Liberty was veiled in her mournful state, an image I refuse to allow my memory to relinquish to this place. On that day, among all of the mixed emotions stirring deep in my groin, I'd felt very much like a free man. To be truly and utterly free is very hard for me to conceptualize from the confines of this cell. But I do believe I felt it on that first day-real freedom. The kind people all over the world seek out in America. You see, real freedom is something tangible-it's the American birthright-but it is also something that can be taken away without a moment's notice.

At approximately 9:00 P.M., Vivienne and I arrived at Philip's party on the roof of the Hotel Gansevoort. Models in tight sailor whites strutted around in Philip's heels, lace-ups, and zippered ankle boots. The waiters wore those old vintage deck uniforms with sailor gob caps. The pool was lit up, turquoise and clear. It felt as if we were on the deck of a cruise s.h.i.+p, floating above the rooftops of the meatpacking district.

"Looks like we'll have our sailors in the end," said Vivienne.

Philip came over to us cradling two models in officer uniforms, one on each arm. "Happy Fleet Week," he said.

Vivienne gave Philip a lapse greeting, a kiss without contact. They hadn't been getting along over something that didn't concern me, and this created a staleness in the air.

"You look great," I told him.

"Me. I look like s.h.i.+t. I'm overworked. I'm just glad the shoes made it to the party. They were stuck in Milano."

"Milano," I said, shaking my head.

The girls released themselves from his arms and walked alongside the pool, modeling the shoes.

"Black velvet with an open toe," said Philip. "The other's a patent leather burgundy boot with a two-inch heel. It comes in black, navy, platinum, and bone."

The girl in the velvet heels returned and introduced herself. "I'm Jeppa," she said.

Jeppa stood still, with her hands on her hips, one leg partly open to the side, her foot at a perpendicular angle.

"Hi, Jeppa. I'm Boy."

Vivienne turned and waved to someone at the other end of the party. Philip was pulled away by a photographer who wanted a shot of him on a chaise lounge.

"I know who you are," Jeppa said.

"We've met before," I said.

"I casted for one of your shows in February."

"Of course you did. How could I forget? Jeppa. What's your last name?"

"Jensen. Jeppa Jensen. But my agency makes me go by Jeppa only."

"The Iman theory," said Vivienne.

"How's that working out?" I said.

"You didn't hire me."

"You're kidding. I'll fire my casting director."

"I don't take it personally."

"Where are you from, Jeppa Jensen?" I always felt that using a woman's full name created a playful intimacy, regardless of the formality.

"Sweden," she said. Her accent lilted with that pleasant lisp European women use when they speak English. French and Swedes and Germans all do this.

"I remember now," I said.

"He doesn't remember you," said Vivienne. "Your uniform is getting his d.i.c.k to move. Beware of straight designers who prowl rooftops in the night. You may get pounced. Stand away from the pool. I need a drink. Anyone?"

"Ignore her," I said. "Come, let's all grab a drink."

A male model sailor served us three gla.s.ses of champagne off a tray. We moved to the bar to lean. I ordered us three ginger-flavored vodkas. Vivienne said into my ear, her breath hot, "You can thank me later."

"For what?"

"I mentioned you were straight. How else would she have known?"

"She's working. I don't expect anything."

"You expect plenty."

Vivienne turned to say h.e.l.lo to Carl Islip, a famous stylist.

Jeppa pulled out a pack of Gitanes and turned to Steve Tromontozzi, a friend of mine. She asked for a light. She must have heard Vivienne's petty attack on my masculinity, though she acted unaware. I used the opportunity to observe the outline of Jeppa's bra under her arms and around her back, its black straps visible through the white cotton of her officer's blouse. Steve lit her cigarette and she exhaled a plume of smoke into the night air. Jeppa was like some teenage dream. Platinum blond, fair complexion, hazel eyes. And I love Scandinavian noses, so unlike my own flattened olive. This Swede had the power to entrance! By my second drink I was ready for her spell.

"Cigarette?" she offered.

"Please," I said.

She took one more small puff off of hers and handed it to me. The fibrous filter was still moist where her lips had just been. She lit another off of Steve Tromontozzi, and I gave him a nod. I turned back to Vivienne, but she had gone. She was by the pool again talking to Leslie St. John and Rudy Cohn. I should go say h.e.l.lo, I thought. My affair with Rudy had long since cooled, but we still remained good friends. I turned back to Jeppa, who lightly kissed the edge of her Gitanes, then adoringly twisted her neck away from me to blow her smoke. I was about to suggest going over to join Vivienne when I felt Jeppa's open toe graze my ankle. She had engaged me in a game of touch. I smiled at her. She played the innocent, oblivious to what she had started.

Then my phone buzzed in my pocket.

I looked down to see that I had already missed two calls from an unidentified number: 555. A movie number. I placed the phone back into my pocket, but then it buzzed again. Same number. I excused myself and answered it. The voice on the other end was unfamiliar.

"What's the big idea?" he said. "You don't pick up?"

"Who is this?"

"What's the big idea?"

"Excuse me? I think you have me confused with someone else."

"He told me you were testy, but this..."

"Okay. I'm hanging up now."

"Meet me in the lobby."