Havemercy. Part 10

I realized at once what Iad been too dazed, too tired, to understand until now. Adamo was being kind to me. After all, he wasnat required to explain the situation or indeed any of the particulars to me. And yet, if I understood correctly, head stepped out of his chief sergeantas quarters to let me know. Perhaps it wasnat so very important to him, but considering the month Iad been having, I could have kissed him.

On second thought, I added dryly to myself, that was clearly not a system of rewards I should put into play at the Airman, of all places.

aAh, yes. Thank you. I had wondered,a I said.

aSo you should try for some more sleep yourself,a he concluded, then jerked one hand behind him. aThatas where Iam headed. And tomorrow, you might want to lay off it. The boysall be tired, on edge. Itas been a long time since the bell sounded, if you catch my meaning.a aI do. Iall keep it in mind. Of course,a I said, all very quickly. aThank you again.a I was on the verge of adding a tentative but nevertheless friendly good night when the door snicked shut, leaving the hall empty and dark and utterly silent once more.

Well, I thought. It might have been second nature to the members of the corps, but Iad only been there a month. Though I returned to my couch, I found myself wide-awake, nerves still jangling, heart still skipping its usual rhythm when I remembered the shock of the raid bell, or when I thought that at any moment it was likely to sound again. How any of these men managed to sleep, I had no idea.

For a long time I stared at the ceiling, calming my thoughts, but the comfortable ambling path of my mind just before sleep continued to elude me. I let my mind wander, but it was too much engaged. I was thinking about the dragons and, admittedly, their riders. What sort of men, I wondered, would volunteer for such a job? It shouldnat ever have come as a surprise to me that I was dealing with madmen, with lunatics, with perhaps the criminally insane. They were capable of waking instantly at the sound of the bell, suiting up, and s.h.i.+pping out before Iad even rubbed the sleep from my eyes. It was a miraculous talent, certainly, but who would ever knowingly choose such a way of living?

The dragonsa choices had something or other to do with it, but they chose from a group of volunteersa"from men willing to die at the drop of a hat or at the sound of a bell. Though for many of them, I began to realize, itas what they had been trained for since birth, perhaps creating a mentality an outsider would find difficult to understand.

My mind veered off after that to uninformed theories on the dragons and the mechanisms that ran them, half motor and half magic. Their greatest attributes were speed, stealth, the abilitya"despite their limited capacity for fuel, and what it did to their rangea"to raze an entire Ke-Han city to the ground. And, of course, there was the fact that the technology was ours and ours alone. The Ke-Han had no comparable army in the skies. The corps was thaEsaras greatest triumph and Volstovas ace in the hole. Admittedly, the Ke-Han had still found a way to make things particularly dangerous for them. In the earlier years it had been the catapults, firing great rocks into the sky before any of the first airmen had really got the hang of flying their dragons. Wead adapted around that, though, and the next dragons created had been sleeker, swifter, and the catapults had become relatively obsolete. Next, and perhaps most successfully, the Ke-Han had capitalized on their skills with wind magic, coupled with the mountains that so often landed dead center of the battlefield. Theyad never brought a dragon down in large enough pieces for it to be of any use to them, but theyad brought one or more to ruin in the mountains, along with their airmen.

These days, the biggest vulnerability concerning the dragons was the amount of fuel their sleek bodies could hold. It wasnat enough to get into Lapis and back properly, and Lapis was where the Ke-Han kept their magicians. The more fuel they carried, the heavier they were and the slower they flew, and so on. The system hadnat yet been perfected, so that the farthest the dragons could reach were the Ke-Han watchtowers stationed along the mountains and their troops stationed around them.

If the war continued for another fifty years, perhaps the technicians would have time to solve the problem.

Still, there was a lot riding on the airmen, both on nights when the bell rang and on nights when it didnat.

I pa.s.sed my hand over my eyes, rubbing blearily at them. What I couldnat get behind, I decided at last, wasnat the sound of the siren, nor even the flying, for I had no fear of heights. Rather, it was the fire. Most children who grow up in Molly or along the Mollyedge are trained to hate and fear fire; in Mollyas cramped, winding streets and cluttered tenements, fire spreads too quickly to contain and kills without prejudice and without remorse the unlucky, the lame, the very young, and the very old. I lost my brother to one such fire, and naturally have been averse to them ever since.

After that, I was taken in by a few young women who tricked their trade at a House on Tuesday Street; a fire nearly claimed them two years later, when I was five. I canat say they moved up in the world after that, but rather cut their losses and dove deeper into Molly, bringing me along with them. I stayed for ten years, even once things became a bit dodgy. It was there that I forgot my brotheras facea"since, after all, Iad only known him for three yearsa"and there that I taught myself three languages, the requirement for applying to aVersity Prep, by studying in the prop room behind the hapenny-for-a-peek burlesque to the sound of Gin the Rattleras uncertain piano tunes. One year there was even a trumpeter, but he was a hopeless sot, and he was found halfway through his contract facedown in a gutter, and once that happened it was only old Gin hammering away at the half-remembered melodies.

All of this was long past. It was only the late hour and my unfortunate bout of insomnia that caused me to remember them. I wasnat often p.r.o.ne to such nostalgic indulgences.

I was just on the verge of drifting off againa"in the midst of wondering what it was my brother really did look likea"when I heard the sound of a door slamming, followed by raucous laughter and approaching footsteps. The voices I heard a few moments later I recognized immediately. Rook, Ace, and Ghislain were coming toward the common room, and my only recourse was to pretend I was sleeping.

Luckily, they stopped just beyond the door; I heard them talking, muted, through the wall. A few nervous laughs punctuated the distant conversation.

af.u.c.kaa"and that was Rooka"aif I wouldnatave taken a dive if it wasnat for that trick you pulled at the last f.u.c.king second!a aYouave been holding out on us, Ghislain,a Acea"it must have been Acea"agreed.

aIt was just a dive, only without the falling off,a Ghislain pointed out. Only Ace laughed at that one, but it was the sound of Rookas voice that fascinated me most. It had changed. It was no longer a sullen childas, neither stubborn nor prideful, defensive nor prejudiced, but laced with fierce excitement.

af.u.c.k, but it was sweet,a Rook said. He was entirely breathless.

If only I could have moved, sat up, or even reached for something to write on. I had the strange and sudden urge to doc.u.ment this moment for posterity, that I might remember it in the morning as real and not the deluded fabrication of my mind left to its own devices. Even with the airmenas distraction, I didnat trust my own movements to be stealthy enough to escape their attention, especially keyed up as they were from the raid.

No, with my luck, I would knock a table over, announcing my eavesdropping presence more a.s.suredly than any air-raid siren.

aI only did what I had to,a said Ghislain, and his voice sounded calmer than the rest.

aSaved my life or d.a.m.n near to it.a It was the first time Iad heard Ace sound wide-awake, focused. He cursed cheerfully. aI thought Iad never see anything outside of that tornado again! Lucky for me youave got lead weights in your a.s.s the same as your dragon. Ke-Han; whoad have guessed? Theyave got b.a.l.l.s on aem, if nothing else.a aThank the bastion for that. Another day on the ground and Havemercyadave lost it.a aYou mean youad have lost it,a said Ace, but it was a cheerful rejoinder, with none of the venom or snapping Iad grown accustomed to hearing from them whenever the airmen interacted in a group, or especially when Ace and Rook were alone.

Breathing shallowly, holding carefully still despite the fact that no one had attempted to enter the room, I remained possessed by a feeling I could not name or did not want to. In short: I was awestruck. Iad spent weeks trying to divine what it was that kept these men together and allowed them to function as a team when all Iad seen of them appeared to be grave dysfunction and an unwillingness to do whatever it was they were told. These were men contrary as cats and solitary as lone wolves, and all the information Iad gathered to this point added up to indicate that logically, they could not and would not function as a team.

Except logic appeared to have taken a leavea"perhaps the sirens had scared it awaya"and outside my door the three men continued to converse as perfectly natural human beings. A little nervous and on edge, certainly, but it was the kind of jump that anyone got from a rush of adrenaline, and it held none of their usual sparking hatred.

aThink the waras on for good again?a Rookas voice practically trembled on this last, with enough eagerness to inspire in me a peculiar mix of revulsion and intrigue. Only a man so cold as Airman Rook would crave the resumption of something as destructive as Volstovas hundred-years war with the Ke-Han.

aDonat think anyoneall really miss that guard tower. Anyway, that isnat the important part. They hit us. You know what that means.a With my eyes closed, I thought I could almost picture the smooth, rolling indifference of Ghislainas broad shoulders.

aWe hit back,a Rook answered, with violent exhilaration. as.h.i.+t, I donat think any of themas going to be forgetting tonight real soon.a aI donat think Iall be forgetting tonight real soon,a Ace complained.

aBetter be on your guard,a said Rook, aor else Ghislainall be taking your spot on that board pretty quick.a aMaybe heall take yours,a said Ace, but quietly, and it was only then I grasped that I could hear him because he was standing just outside the door.

I threw the blankets over my head. The room lit up with a spark and a hum, and the sound of laughter and booted feet flooded the common room.

I cursed silently in the three languages Iad learned to speak, which had indirectly led me along the path to being here, sleeping on a coucha"a grown man, hiding from other grown men.

aWell, if it isnat the littlest f.u.c.king professor.a Even with me, Rookas voice did not regain that gla.s.s-sharp cruelty to which Iad become accustomed. aUp and out. This is a private party and I know you ainat asleep. Ainat n.o.body who sleeps after the raid siren on their first night.a aI was asleep,a I said stubbornly, which defeated my purpose in concealment, but I thought perhaps in the long run it might save me from the indignity of being sat on, or coated in tar, and then dipped in feathers, or whatever other horrible plans they had percolating behind their laughing eyes and smug, secure grins.

When I opened my eyes I saw immediately why anyone back from a raid procured inarguable rights to the showers, as all three men were covered in thick, uneven layers of ash that had been smeared into their clothes and faces like a second skin. Their gloves were stained greasy and black, and there were bright, pale rings around their eyes that I supposed meant they had been wearing goggles. When Rook smiled, his teeth flashed white and uncomfortably pointed against the black of his skin.

They looked less like men and more than a little like the portraits of the Ke-Han warrior G.o.ds Iad seen inked in the textbooks at the aVersity.

aI know Iave left it here somewhere,a said Ace out loud, though to no one in particular. He was rummaging through the cupboards set into the far wall.

aLeave him be,a said Ghislain, meaning me. aIam too worn-out to be fighting with anyone as isnat dressed in blue and screaming curses on my family to all eternity.a aSometimes he wears blue,a said Rook, nodding toward me with a maddening obstinacy.

To my great surprise, however, he didnat press the matter. He only leaned against the wall and folded his arms, as though he were too tired to stand and too wired to sit.

aHa!a Ace produced a bottle from one of the cupboards, which bore a seal resembling that of the private store of the Arlemagne n.o.blesse. I recognized it because their diplomat had spent a very long time wetting his throat with it in between detailing how exactly he wanted Airman Rook torn to pieces by wild dogs.

Ghislaina"whoad procured a chair and was studying the floor as though he were now trying to decide whether it would be an adequate place to fall asleep or nota"smiled, his mouth knowing and expectant, then asked anyway. aWhatas that?a aI thought we might celebrate, it being our first raid of the season and all.a aMake it quick,a said Rook, leaving a long black smudge against the wall where head been leaning against it. aIam gonna sleep like the dead tonight and I ainat getting up for any lessons.a He threw this last with a look at me, which was jarring after having been so ignored.

aThere arenat any lessons tomorrow,a I said, uncomfortably clearing the sleep from my voice as the other two turned to look at me as well. aI thoughta"Well, the Chief Sergeant suggested, I meana"I donat have anything planned,a I concluded lamely, ashamed of myself for being so surprised by the change in the airmen that I no longer knew how to interact with them.

It was as though theyad undergone a metamorphosis, and where Iad once made myself comfortable in a coc.o.o.n of sarcasm and heavy-handed wit, I now had to reevaluate everything Iad learned. I got the feeling theyad brought the shadows of their dragons back with them, hidden but transformative, and were both less and more like real human men for it.

If I hadnat known better, Iad have thought they did it on purpose.

aThere, see,a said Ace, pouring the bubbling liquor into large cups obviously not meant for the expensive vintage they now held. aNo lessons. That means you can all celebrate and stop pretending like youare sleepy as babes in arms.a aI am sleepy,a said Ghislain, but he held his hand out for the gla.s.s all the same.

I could no more attempt to go back to sleep now than I could after the air-raid sirens had gone off. Even ignored as I was, even aware that I was an outsider, I could not help but observe with fascination the difference in process. My fear, that as the novelty and the adrenaline wore off them it would be replaced by the sullenness and anger Iad come to think of as characteristic, turned out to be unfounded. Instead, a kind of calm had settled over them. It was partly exhaustion, perhaps, but when Ace thrust his cup out in front of him, even Rook begrudgingly joined the toast.

What I realized thena"with the clarity that could only come from having been powerfully, painfully wronga"was that much of the behavior of the airmen came not from a fount of cruelty and stupidity, but rather a gratuitous squandering of ability. These were men whoad been fed from birth, as Marius had so aptly put it, on their own importance to the realm. Each member of the Dragon Corps knew this about himself, only to be met with the stubborn reality that, when the war was no longer being waged, thaEsar had no need for them. It must have been a bitter tonic to swallow. It was as though the siren and the resulting raid had bled off some reserve of poison and drained them of their shaky, pent-up rage.

They no longer seemed a separate species, like proud, ill-behaved animals, but appeared to be men at last.

That was not to say I excused their behavior, for in truth I still found their society as oppressive, cruel, and elitist as I ever had, but I felt for the first time as though I understood, infinitesimally, the smallest piece of the puzzle that caused them to operate the way they did.

ROYSTON.

We had to be careful. That much was of paramount importance.

A knock on my doora"my brother, briefly inquiring after my health that eveninga"jolted me from a thoroughly incautious examination of the shadow of Halas eyelashes against his cheek while he read.

My own private feelings on the matter would have to be kept just that: private. It was all there was to it, and with no room for argument I thought that I could readily convince myself of the new way of things.

All too soona"or seemingly not soon enougha"Hal had finished with his reading. At least, I applauded myself, Iad kept from descending so much into my thoughts that I no longer had the wherewithal to converse with him properly.

aHal,a I spoke to remind him, quiet and low, though it was as much for my own benefit as it was for his. aYou mustnat forget what we discussed. We cannot meet with such frequency, and you must try your hardest not to seek me out so.a aI will,a Hal said. Then, flus.h.i.+ng, he added, aBut it will be difficult.a aYou must do it,a I insisted, more forcefully than was perhaps necessary. I had to make him listen and, beyond that, I had to know he understood me. I thought of my brotheras wife, her intolerance fueled by a sharp but nevertheless closed mind. I thought of what she might do if she suspected Hal of having any manner of feelings for me which she might deem unseemly, and it was enough to make me ill.

aI know,a Hal said, the light in his eyes dimming. aThe Mmea"a aHang her,a I muttered. aShe doesnat know anything. Yeta"and we must both remember thisa"it is as much her house as it is my brotheras, and though he is a good man in many respects, he is content in the simplicity of his countrified existence. He isnat searching to expand his mind or open his heart any further than his wife is willing. Itas enough that he tolerates my presence here, and that his wife does. Despite their differing levels of graciousness.a Hal reached out as if he meant to touch me again, then thought the better of it. aI know,a he repeated sadly.

aAnd you should take your leave,a I continued. I knew full well I was exhibiting more self-restraint than I ever had in my entire life, but if my brother was making his rounds that evening and found Hal missing from his tiny corner of a bedrooma"and yes, Iad seen it, and yes, it was bordering on the inhumane, his bed cramped in a slope-ceilinged corner, barely more than ample closet s.p.a.cea"then doubtless his suspicions would be aroused. My dignity and my status in the household would not withstand any more blows than they already had. It was Hal and Halas place in my brotheras castle that worried me, and, I felt, out of Halas best interests that I acted so decisively now. Such a thing could not be rescinded nor could it, in the country, be defended. Hal was going to be a tutor, and I saw very keenly that he was eager for the post; he loved my niece and nephews very tenderly, and was better with them than one could imagine possible. He was goodness through and through, and therefore his heart was more vulnerable than most.

I could protect him, even if Iad never been able to protect myself.

aAll right,a Hal said, and he stood from the chair very slowly, as if it pained him to do so. After that he slipped awaya"his silhouette outlined for a moment in the doorwaya"and closed the door carefully as he left.

And so began our little charade.

Hal didnat have the requisite nature for it. It was well enough when I wasnat there, when Hal was playing with the children or discussing a book with Alexander, engaged in the task of testing the young boyas comprehension and depth of critical thinking. Yet when we were in the same room togethera"and when we werenat alonea"I saw him struggle with the task Iad set him. Whether or not it was in his own best interests had nothing to do with the way his face fell each time I was curt with him, or turned down his entreaties to come and join him and William for another story. It pained me to be cruel to him even in appearance alone, but I was certain he was clever enough to realize I was only acting my part of the shadow play wead decided on.

Yet it seemed that I was much too convincing in my role. He came to me that first night, hesitant and unsure.

aI thought . . . you might have changed your mind,a he said.

At once, remorse engulfed me. I could never apologize enough, I thought, and stepped firmly on a blooming impulse to cross the room and hold him as closely as I had in the boathouse.

aHal,a I said carefully. aI was acting. Wead both decideda"a aI knew that,a he said, shutting the door and ducking to hide his expression. aI knew that, and yeta"You were so convincing, I did think it might have been possible youad thought things over again, anda"a aI would have told you,a I promised, over a rising sense of uneasiness that it was not my tutoring he spoke of. aBarring a sudden onset of madness, I donat believe Iall be thinking anything over anytime soon.a We looked at each other for a long moment after that. I took it upon myself to choose the text for that night, a small and meaningless gesture of apology for the things I could not change. If I thought about it in this waya"that Hal was my pupil, and I his mentora"then like any good teacher I must allow each new discovery to take its natural time. When we were alone, it grew more difficult to ignore the temptation to encourage and reward any way I pleased, mix poetics with the physical, guide his study of the complicated structure of old Ramanthe and kiss him for the pleasure of seeing his neck bowed to the task, or the pleasure of seeing his eyes alight when head solved some new, more complicated problem.

I did so want to kiss him yet knew that I could not.

There were times during the day when I was unnecessarily sharp with him. There were also times when I was no more than brusquea"and that, I thought, was what hurt him most of all. After a few days of this behavior, of his eyes the color of bruises at every hurt, however scripted, I decided against my better judgment that to prolong our studies together in the nighttime hours after the rest of the house lay abed would not be too much to ask. There was a certain privacy to working late into the night, as though the silence of the house enveloped us, left us cut off and safe from the country and its prejudices.

The only problem in this plan was that Hal had exhausting days taking care of the children, and the more hours he spent conscious and studying, the more meals he required to relieve his fatigue, so that a mere week after my proposed extension of our time together, we began sneaking down to the kitchen like children to concoct something suitably filling with which we might fuel our studies.

My only concern was the cook, and what she would say to my brotheras wife if she found the two of us quite alone together in the dark pocketing bread and cheese and whatever else we might find left over from that eveningas meal. I found myself quite keen on never learning what would happen if we were caught, and so it was that I discovered the pantry, with its simple array of plain spices and herbs. It was not particularly large, and there were certainly cobwebs about the ceiling, but it would do, I decided, if ever we were in a pinch.

Additionally, there were few things that didnat go down better with a sprinkle of rosemary.

After that, our routine carried on in very much the same fas.h.i.+on, with our breaks at midnight to rifle through the kitchen like common burglars. I mastered the urge to suggest that Hal stay, when we finished our studies and his head drooped low to nearly sleeping in his chair.

I wasnat made for the role of a teacher for the same reasons Iad never been a good student: I was too selfish, too impulsive. What I needed I took, and there were a few times when I nearly gave into my less n.o.ble desires, without any thought for what would come of my capriciousness.

Hal didnat seem to mind. Indeed, he didnat seem to notice a single one of my flaws. And, as Iad suspected, he was as eager and quick to learn as he was to please. He was as open as the country gentry were not.

I would ruin it, I was certain. It was only a matter of time. It was not in my nature to deny anything I wanted so wholeheartedly, and to my dismay I was gradually beginning to discover that Hal fell into that category. On some days when I was feeling particularly maudlin, it seemed Hal was the category.

We stole rolls from the kitchen at nighta"by light of a candle-lamp we read together and tangled in the handsome words, but not in body. In this setting, I did my best to tutor Hal on the correct p.r.o.nunciationsa"but there was no more than that. There were times when I thought Hal disappointed with this reserve on my sidea"what must have seemed part-infuriating coynessa"but he said nothing and was content to let me brush the hair back from his brow and out of his eyes, and watch him as he read with the unsteady flickering of the candlelight illuminating his face and causing the freckles to stand out sharply against his pale skin.

Then, things changed.

The first change came a few weeks after we began our system of reading late into the night and descending upon the kitchen to raid the leftovers, experimenting with the heady aroma of the cookas spices and trying not to disorder her most prized possessions.

It was a weekend, I believe, and Hal had completed a very difficult text in the old Ramanthe. Though by then it wasnat much of a reward, I still took it upon myself to congratulate him and suggest we take pains to discover what had happened with the unfinished dessert from that nightas dinner.

Wead been in the kitchen, speaking softly, and Hal had found us spoons and everything had been going very much as it always did until I heard the footsteps from outside the door. Without a second thought, I whisked Hal with me into the pantry.

All around us was the smell of the simpler herbs and spicesa"cinnamon, rosemary, sage, and thymea"and I stood close to him so that the little spice bottles rattled when he trembled and stumbled back against them.

aCareful,a I whispered.

He said nothing at all, only inhaled soft and sharp as though head seen a spider.

When I looked down I met his gaze, touched with nervous apology, and I scarcely had the time to wonder why before he put his hands on either side of my face and kissed me.

For a moment I could do nothing at all, frozen in place and the blood pounding at my temples as if antic.i.p.ating a fight. There was silence in the kitchen.

His mouth was very warm.

As if jerking awake from a deep sleep, I forced myself to straighten, in a slow but firm refusal to give in to the dizzying wave that threatened to break over me. I saw Halas eyes, wide and frightened of what he had just done.

We both recovered ourselves at the same time.

aPlease,a he said, just as I was stepping away. I didnat hear what else he said after that. Iad already made my swift escape, smoothing out the front of my s.h.i.+rt and all but fleeing back to my room.

It wasnat the right thing to do. I knew this even as I did it. Whatever promises wead made to each other, whatever stage wead agreed to play upon, I knew full well that our rules didnat extend to this matter. My leaving was no act for our audience, for there had been no audience to witness Halas declaration; it had been only me and the cookas spices, mute in their bottles. It was not for their benefit that Iad flown, and certainly not for Halas.

No, it was only for me, selfish as Iad ever been. Iad always known, of course, that I would do something to ruin our cautious happiness. I just hadnat suspected it would be so soon.

I closed the door behind me, the dead bolt sliding into place with a sure thump that echoed the lead weight in my stomach. My only reprieve, so small as to be almost laughable, was that the cook hadnat caught us at our game. Luck was on our side, but I knew how simply and how swiftly luck could turn. Wead been far too careless.

Hal didnat follow me back to my room.

It was a reprieve, then. It gave me the time to think over what exactly it was I thought I was doing and what Iad already done to Hal.

I felt charged with an overabundance of nervous energy. I picked up the book wead been reading for two nights now, but the text a.s.sumed a certain mutability. It danced and skittered across the page so that I quite lost my temper with it, and hurled the book to the floor.

Frustration roiled in my veins as I thought of Hal and what his reaction would have been if he saw me now, throwing one of the books; and then I thought again of Hal, and what would doubtless prove the irrevocable destruction of something Iad not allowed myself to name or label.

I sat on my bed, facing the empty chair. As it almost always was when Iad been too self-centered to see the truth of the matter, I felt impossibly foolish. I couldnat even blame Halas feelings on something Iad done, not entirely, asa"he was fond of reminding mea"he was quite old enough to be capable of understanding his own emotions. Though inexperienced in many ways, Hal was not a child and hardly needed me to tell him what it was he felt or thought. He was clever enough that to think otherwise would be to do him a dishonor, and I had no great wish to lump myself among the other residents of my brotheras house who no more recognized his intellect than they would have recognized a dragon come to roost in the trees.

Finally, to pretend that Hal did not understand the gravity of what head done would be an insult to both of us.

He had meant it, then. I knew it was childisha"and acknowledging that I could still be the child in a relations.h.i.+p with a boy a full fifteen summers younger than myself was humbling farea"but more so than that, it had been a cowardas province to flee from someone brave enough to declare his feelings by acting without thought. I was not a complete coward, that at least I knew, but the idea of having to scramble for a reply in the faint cobwebbed light of the pantry had ignited in me a desperate, throttling urgency to be somewhere, anywhere, other than where I was.

It wasnat my finest of moments. And it wasnat fair to Hala"especially to give him no reply at alla"to protect myself and garner ample time to sort out my own emotions, leaving him with nothing but silence and doubt.

What, then, did I have to sort out? Staring at the empty chair didnat help me any, as all around it hovered the specter of Hal, smiling and freckled about the nose and shoulders. I stood up again, paced the length of my small room, as though an excess of bloodflow would help me to think better.

Instead, I could think only of Hal.

He was a creature entirely lovable, and I feared that in allowing myself to love him, I would somehow extinguish the intrinsic optimism he held in his heart.