No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday Part 22

"Married? h.e.l.lo? She hasn't got a clue what she is doing. You cannot marry Katy. I will not allow you to take advantage of her like this."

Ben looked exhausted as he considered his next move.

"Permission to stick this right up his a.s.s?" Ben finally asked Katy, picking up the banana.

She let go of the mask and nodded, letting a smile and the tears engulf her before another contraction took over.

"Well I think that says it all doesn't it? You had better leave unless you want me to carry out the lady's wishes," said Ben, still brandis.h.i.+ng the banana.

Katy screwed up her face in pain and grabbed Ben's hand in a superhuman grip. Matthew was making no move to go anywhere. Ben knew he needed to act quickly.

"I'm really sorry," he said to Matthew before he pulled back his free hand and gave Matthew a hard hitting jab across the chin. Matthew reeled backwards and fell heavily to the floor, knocked out cold.

Ben looked surprised at his success before looking nervously at Katy. "Forgive me," he said. "He left me with no choice. Does it really hurt? Here, grip my leg," he said squeezing onto the bed beside her.

As Katy got to grips with his thigh, Ben leaned over to press the emergency call b.u.t.ton.

Almost instantly the door flew open and in fell Nurse Brady, Daniel and Braindead who had been listening from the corridor.

"What's happening, what's happening? Oh my G.o.d I can't bear it," burst out Daniel. "Tell me now? Is it all over? Please tell me it's all over?"

"Come on my son. It's a result," roared Braindead when he saw Matthew out cold on the floor and Ben with his arm around a still contracting Katy.

"Jesus Katy, I didn't recognise you. You look awful," Braindead continued.

Katy growled loudly making Braindead cower in horror.

"No need for that," he said. "You just don't look yourself that's all."

"Look," said Ben, looking dazed but happy. "Thanks for everything guys but I think Katy needs to get on with giving birth now. So if you'll excuse us. Oh, and can you make sure he gets back to Alison," he said, nodding at Matthew.

Suddenly two men burst in with a bed on wheels.

"Get him out of here will you," said Nurse Brady pointing at Matthew. "One of you had better stay with him until he comes round so he knows what's happened," she said to Daniel and Braindead.

"b.u.g.g.e.r that," said Braindead straight away. "Time for a bacon b.u.t.tie and a little chat with my new mate Daniel here. We still have some unfinished business haven't we? Few calls to make, know what I mean."

"Look you go and get something to eat and I'll deal with Matthew," said Daniel.

"What for? You don't owe him anything," replied Braindead.

"Well one of us had better make sure he doesn't try and come back. You leave it to me. I'll come and find you later I promise."

"Well, if you must. Don't you go forgetting our deal though eh? I don't stay up all night for just anyone you know."

"I'll be in touch, promise," shouted Daniel over his shoulder as he raced after Matthew.

"Well I guess my work is done," said Braindead, taking one last satisfied glance at Ben, now looking very pale as he tried to console Katy through her contraction.

"No need to thank me guys. I'll be off unless I can do anything else."

Katy growled again and Braindead vanished.

Chapter 24.

Daniel felt like he had trudged down a million miles of corridor looking for Matthew. The multiple shades of standard hospital grey paint he had experienced were starting to unsettle him. However he still had a smug smile on his face. He wondered how Katy was ever going to repay him for such heroic, such ingenious, and such dedicated efforts to secure her happiness. Maybe that watch he had been coveting would be a suitable reward for such a display of friends.h.i.+p. Perhaps he would invite her shopping and he could drop some subtle hints like, "Katy. See this watch. You owe me."

Eventually he found Matthew slumped on a chair in a corridor crying his eyes out. Daniel sat down and patiently waited for the sobs to subside.

"f.u.c.k off," were Matthew's first words when he realised that Daniel was sitting next to him. "Will you just f.u.c.k off."

"I'm only here to make sure you're alright."

"Why the f.u.c.k would I need you to make sure I'm alright. What do you care?" said Matthew.

"What do I care?" said Daniel, now too tired to stay calm. "I will tell you what I care. I have spent the entire night caring, that's what. No actually that's wrong. I have spent most of the last nine months caring, trying to sort you lot out. Listening, talking, trying to make sense of the whole d.a.m.n mess and now I am tired and I don't need you telling me to f.u.c.k off. Go f.u.c.k off yourself and get on with your b.l.o.o.d.y life."

To Daniel's horror he watched as Matthew face crumpled again. He turned away from Daniel in embarra.s.sment and started to weep, his shoulders rising and falling with huge heavy sobs.

An elderly couple just down the corridor were either too rude or too old to hide their stares. Daniel heard sc.r.a.ping and watched as the elderly woman moved her chair so she could get a better view.

Matthew's sobs were getting louder by the minute, forcing Daniel to take action.

"Showtime's over," he said to his audience, but they were not to be deterred, staring innocently straight back at him.

Daniel awkwardly attempted to put his arm around Matthew. Matthew shrugged him off but Daniel persisted.

"Come on lad, you know you'll get over it," he said quietly. Why he always reverted to talking like his mother when trying to console someone he had no idea. In fact he realised he had just repeated his mother's exact words after he'd told her he was in love with his male tutor at art college. He was so frustrated at his mother's blinkered stance that he had retorted instantly that he had known he was gay since he was fifteen, when he had been seduced by David Sanderson on a scout trip.

"David Sanderson?" she had exclaimed in absolute horror.

"Yes," he had replied.

"You are a liar. You can't say such a thing about poor David," she had said.

"No he did mum, honest," he protested.

"How dare you drag a vicar's son into this? I don't know what is worse, pretending to be gay or blaspheming the church."

His mother's lack of any understanding reminded him that Matthew did deserve some sympathy even if it was from the man who had been instrumental in plotting his romantic downfall.

Daniel sat patiently patting Matthew's shoulder, waiting for the sobs to subside. Occasionally he heard a shuffle or a cough from the couple reminding him that there was an expectant audience awaiting a performance.

"Tissues?" Daniel turned to ask them.

"Oh yes," nodded the woman vigorously, delighted to be promoted to a speaking part as she searched through her handbag.

She pulled out a half-empty pocket-sized packet of Kleenex.

"Sorry it's not a full pack," she said. "I had to use some at Connie Waring's Wake yesterday. Spilt sherry trifle down me front I did. And it was one of them funny trifles with jelly in, so bound to stain."

"I only eat jelly when naked," said Daniel. "Now you two. I need to have what is known as a private conversation with my upset friend here, so we need some alone time."

"Oh we won't make a sound," said the old lady quickly. "We are very good at being quiet. All the funerals we go to you see. You just pretend that we're not here. Unless you need any help of course."

"Go away or I will report you for hara.s.sment," Daniel shouted, losing his patience.

"OK, OK," the lady muttered, shuffling away. "Just trying to be neighbourly. We won't bother next time will we Bob?"

Matthew's sobs seemed to have abated. He looked spectacularly sad, his suit crumpled, previously perfect tie all askew.

Daniel looked deep inside for some inner strength. He was tired beyond belief and emotionally wrecked but he realised his job was not quite yet complete and he would allow no-one to say that Daniel Laker was a job-half-done kind of guy.

Matthew was now just staring into s.p.a.ce so he decided to plough straight in, in the hope that he could be tucked up in his bed with the Strip-O-Gram within the hour.

"So Matthew," he said. "Let's see. I guess there is a lot stuff going through your head right now."

Matthew did not move a muscle so Daniel continued.

"Shall we break it down into manageable chunks? I always find that makes it easier don't you?"

Matthew turned his stare towards him but still said nothing.

"OK, let's get right to it shall we and start with you and Katy. This is the way I see it. You are unhappy. You see someone who reminds you of happy times and the world seems a better place. So much so you grab hold of it, wanting some of that happiness back. But it's false happiness isn't it Matthew? It's the happiness you remember from a previous time. The happiness of first love, first s.e.x, first everything. The most exciting time in your life. You can't get that back Matthew. Not even if you get back the person that you shared it with. It just doesn't work like that. Before you know it you stop talking about your favourite music, why you hate your parents and which lay-by you should make out in and start arguing over who last cleaned the toilets and why you never have s.e.x anymore. You don't love Katy because you don't know her. You know teenager Katy, not nearly forty Katy. Please don't tell her I said she was nearly forty by the way. She'd kill me."

Daniel heard a sneeze from behind him.

"If I turn around and find you there I am calling matron," he shouted. There was muttering and the sound of soft soles shuffling across lino.

"Where was I? So you see you were chasing a false happiness when you should have been sorting out why you were unhappy in the first place. You and Alison are married Matthew. At some point you loved her so much that you said you would forsake all others to be with her. That's huge. More than huge. You've got to find that place again with Alison. It can't have all gone. You can do it Matthew, I know you can and it will be even better this time because you will have two kids to share it with. Two of your very own kids to love between you. And before you say it, I know that Katy could be having your child but surely it has to be better that your twins have two parents who love them and that Katy's child has the same rather than messing it all up and doubtless s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g them up at the same time."

Daniel sat back in his chair completely spent. He could say no more.

Matthew looked up at Daniel. Daniel waited for the words of grat.i.tude to come forth as Matthew undoubtedly realised that Daniel was perhaps the most insightful man he had ever come across.

"Daniel," said Matthew.

"Yes," said Daniel expectantly.

"Will you now just f.u.c.k off?"

Daniel held his hands up finally in defeat.

"I can do no more," he said.

"Thanks," muttered Matthew.

Daniel patted his shoulder and disappeared to get lost finding his way out of the hospital.

Matthew sat staring at the crack in the tile in front of his chair for a very long time. Tea trolleys trundled past him, mops flicked around him and a million anonymous pairs of shoes trudged backwards and forwards, all failing to interrupt his thoughts.

After about an hour his phone bleeping finally roused him.

It was a text from Alison asking what he was doing.

He took a deep breath, stood up and walked just around the corner to her room.

She had her back to him and he thought she might be asleep. He tiptoed around to the far side of the bed.

Alison lay there silently crying.

He sat down on the chair beside the bed.

"You're here?" she said.

"Why are you crying?" he asked.

"I'm scared Matthew," she said in a very small voice. "What if I can't do it? What if I let them down?"

"You won't Alison. You could never let them down. I'm the one most likely to do that."

"Don't be silly. You'll be there when they need you."

"I hope so," he said. He s.h.i.+fted in his seat and felt something dig into his side. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the copy of Childbirth without Fear.

"Want me to read some of this to you?" he asked.

"No. I don't need books now Matthew. I just need you."

"Really?"

"Really," she said.

Chapter 25.

"She's awesome," Ben said for the hundredth time, staring down at the bundle wrapped in a blanket in his arms.