A Symphony Of Cicadas Part 11

"Now?" the girls had wondered, and Sara had to shake her head no.

"Not now, but soon," she promised.

At first, Kevin had stayed in a hotel, living out of a bag of things he refilled on occasion when he would come to pick Lily and Megan up for a weekly visit. Sara would offer to do his laundry, the offer serving as a secret effort to get him to see how much he needed her. But he always refused.

"They have a laundromat near the hotel," he said.

Soon after, Sara's heart broke all over again when he let her know he had left the hotel and was now living in an apartment several miles away.

"It's close to Megan's school," he told her, as if the convenience of his location took away from the fact that he had signed a lease promising he'd never move back home for at least a year. While neither one could utter the word "divorce", they did seek out a mediator to help them divide their time with the girls. At first it was suggested they do an every-other-week rotation. Sara had balked at this, unable to be away from Lily and Megan for seven whole days. That was how she lost her weekends with them.

"They need to be able to spend some time with their dad," the mediator had said, and Sara caved, allowing Kevin to have the girls two and a half days each week to keep them from being gone for any longer. And while it proved to be convenient on her busiest days at the shop, Sara discovered that she didn't know what to do with herself when the girls were away. She had spent their whole life being the center of their world, so that when she got a break from being a mother, she no longer knew who she was.

And this terrified her more than anything.

Sara lay still in the dark of John's apartment, letting her crumbling marriage unfold in front of her, evaporating like the fading shadows against the patches of light from the rising sun. It had been two months since Kevin had filled his bag with a few belongings and left between the time the girls went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning. And now here she was, lying naked on John's couch, alone in the dark, waiting with shaky breath for him to wake up and tell her it wasn't going to work out. She hadn't planned on this, for things to get this far. She'd be lying to herself if she said she hadn't felt a few murmurs in recent months when she was near John. But she was sure that was only because she'd felt so alone in the time before and after Kevin had left. And now her vulnerability lay around her in scattered clothing across the room...and in the reality that Kevin was no longer the last man who had left fingerprints all over her skin. She had to decide what she was going to do about this new path she had taken with John. Everything was different now.

A few creaks upstairs signaled that John was awake. Sara kept her eyes closed when she heard him coming downstairs, forcing her breaths to be slow and steady in feigned-slumber as he peeked his head over the couch to see if she was still asleep.

John poured out the cold coffee in the coffeepot from the day before and filled it with fresh water, setting up the pot to brew as his thoughts formed their own dark roast in his head.

Flashes of my face and Sara's mingled in the memories of last night. Being that close to her had felt good. Really good. He wanted to believe it was just because Sara was the closest person to me without actually being me. But it was more than that. She was familiar, not just because of the scent in her hair or the way her lips held the same shape as mine, but because she was someone who knew him and the pain he was going through. They both knew what it was like to lose me, the person they both claimed as their best friend. John realized that more than anything, he missed having a connection with someone. And through the past year and a half of friends.h.i.+p, he'd had that with Sara.

Hearing her stir on the couch, John poured them both a cup of coffee and crept into the living room. Placing her cup on the coffee table, he sat down on the couch where the curve of her belly created a small s.p.a.ce and rubbed her shoulder. Sara smiled, but kept her eyes closed at his touch, inhaling the aroma of the coffee as she stretched.

"Mmmm...coffee..." she murmured, trying to gauge how groggy she would be if she really were just waking up. She opened her eyes half-way and smiled at John.

"Good morning," he said, leaning forward and kissing her on the forehead. She sat up, clutching the blanket to her chest. John reached over and picked up her cup of coffee and placed it in her hands, waiting for her to take her first sip before barraging her with his thoughts on the night before. He wanted to tell her how wonderful she was, how he had appreciated all her care as he grieved for me, how he loved how close they had become since my death, and how much it meant to him that they were able to become even closer last night. He wanted to admit that he had no idea what the future held for them, admit that he knew this was weird and unconventional, that, without a doubt, their family would wonder what was wrong with them. But he wanted to tell her he didn't care about all that, and he was curious where this road would lead them. Most of all, he wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked in the morning, how waking up to her unbrushed hair and flushed cheeks was a treat he wanted to experience over and over, and how he could probably live in her eyes should he be allowed to stare into them long enough.

"About last night," he began, taking in a deep breath as he worked up the courage to spill segments of his heart into the coffee she drank. But he never got the chance. Sara held up her hand, smiling as she shook her head.

"Say no more," she said, stopping him in his tracks. "It was just a one-time fluke that never should have happened."

"B-but...I don't think it was a mistake," John stammered.

"Neither do I!" Sara's enthusiasm made John's eyes widen. "We both have been through so much, I think it was great for us to let off a little steam with each other. I didn't realize I needed that as much as I did," she giggled.

John was confused by her reaction. The Sara he knew wouldn't be this casual about a night of pa.s.sion. Or would she? He'd never been intimate with her before, so how would he know how she'd react? John realized he might not know her as well as he thought.

"How are we going to move forward?" he asked her, wincing at the way he said "we" with presumption. But she didn't hear his question the way he asked it, only hearing what she thought he was saying.

"Don't worry about it John," she said. "I mean, I don't want things to get weird between us, and I really enjoy our friends.h.i.+p. We can just pretend like it never happened. I promise I won't start acting like I'm your girlfriend or anything," she said with a light-hearted grin.

John hid his embarra.s.sment as she spoke. He had misread the whole situation, and felt stupid as he remembered how he'd been acting like a h.o.r.n.y teenager experiencing love for the first time. In an effort to hide the fool he had almost made of himself, he just nodded with a chuckle. He thought he saw a glimmer of sadness in Sara's eyes, but realized she was only looking down for her s.h.i.+rt. He retrieved it from the ground and handed it to her.

"Thanks," she said, slipping it over her head to hide her nudity despite the fact that he had kissed every inch of her body the night before.

"Did you want something to eat?" he asked her. "Some cereal, maybe some eggs? How about pancakes? I know how to flip some mean flapjacks," he said. She shook her head.

"No, I've taken up enough of your time already. I really should be getting home."

"Are you sure? I mean, it's the least I can do after all the help you gave me with that room," he said, doing his best to persuade her to stay a bit longer, hoping that a little more time might help her see things in a different light. But she wasn't having any part of it. He hid his disappointment when she shook her head again.

"I have to get into the shop today, and the girls are coming back tonight. I'd like to get home to have enough time to put stuff away and get freshened up," she got up and started to fold her blanket, but he waved her away.

"It's okay, I got it," he said. "I know you're in a hurry." She gave him a grateful smile.

Ten minutes later he was helping her carry boxes to her car parked a few blocks downhill and waving goodbye as she drove away.

Sara let out a deep breath as she watched him disappear in her rearview window. She wasn't sure how to read him, but was certain he was only being polite in what could have been a very awkward morning. At least she knew how to hide away her feelings before she made herself out to be some foolish school girl. However, her intention to protect herself from being rejected all over again had failed. As she drove further from his apartment, she couldn't help feeling like she was losing in love all over again.

And despite the fact that I had never wanted them together in the first place, I wanted to reach inside her head and shake her for being so blind.

Twenty.

"There are my girls!" Sara cried when she heard the doork.n.o.b turn and footsteps pounding toward the kitchen where she sat. She had been eating a bowl of cereal at the table, reading a book and trying not to stare at the clock too much until they arrived. Before they burst through the door, she had done her best to keep the thought of John's hands on her from her head, only resulting in happy and melancholy s.h.i.+vers as she remembered the feel of John's lips across her mouth, her neck, down her stomach...

"Mommy! Mommy!" Megan called out, colliding into Sara with great force, Lily running at her heels and copying her sister's enthusiasm.

"Wow! I think you both got taller!" Sara exclaimed. They both grinned.

"Mom, it's only been two days," Megan pointed out in her seven-year-old wisdom. Sara laughed.

"I know. It just feels like a long time," she told her, ruffling her hair.

"Knock knock," Kevin called from the doorway. Sara shot up and smoothed out her hair, wiping at the bit of milk that had spilt on her s.h.i.+rt. Usually she did her best to look decent when Kevin showed up, attempting to give him a taste of what he was missing and couldn't have. Today, however, she put on her sweats as soon as she got home from work, and looked as though she had been sleeping all day long.

"Come in," she called out even as she walked toward the door. Kevin stepped over the threshold of his former home with caution, smiling an apology when Sara appeared around the corner.

"I'm sorry, I should have knocked before they bounded in. But they barreled through the door before I had a chance to stop them," he explained. Sara waved her hand in dismissal.

"Don't worry about it," she said. "It's their home too."

"I know," he said. "But one of these days you might have someone over and..." he drifted off. Sara looked up in alarm, wondering what he knew. But she realized he was only making an observation about the future. She also read into it that the same might be true of him, perhaps already. She shook away that thought, fighting off the urge to be jealous over things she held no facts about.

"How was your weekend?" Sara asked him.

"It was great," he said with a smile. "I took the girls to the zoo this weekend, and Megan decided she wants to be a large animal veterinarian when she grows up. She's so dang bright, it kills me! Lily, on the other hand, decided she wants to be a tiger when she grows up. I didn't have the heart to tell her that being a monkey was a better choice. You know, more fun."

"That's our Lily," Sara said, shaking her head in amus.e.m.e.nt. They both watched the girls playing lion-keeper in the corner of the room, Lily on all fours growling up at her older sister, Megan pretending to fling a whip at her to make her do what she needed her to do. "It sounds like you guys had a great weekend."

"How about you? I mean, unless it's personal," he said.

"I'm not seeing anyone, if that's what you're asking," she said in a tone that was a little harsher than she intended. She decided that she didn't need to even hint that she had slept with John, concluding that it didn't count if it wasn't planned and would never happen again. "And I didn't really do much this weekend, just worked and then helped John clear out the spare room at his house of all Joey's and Rachel's things."

"Oh, jeez. That must have been rough. Are you okay?" he asked with genuine concern. Sara was taken aback by his altruism. Even though they had been kind to each other in the months that followed their split, it felt foreign for him to show any kind of concern for her since they were technically in the midst of a long and drawn-out break up.

"Do you really care?" she asked him, unable to mask her skepticism over his sincerity.

"Sara, just because I left doesn't mean I don't care about you," he told her. He looked at the girls in the corner of the room, then back at Sara, and raised his eyebrows. "Can we not do this right now?" he murmured. She nodded, still scrambling to figure out Kevin's change in demeanor.

"Sorry," she murmured back.

"Look, I think you and I are due for a long talk about everything. Perhaps we can meet up for coffee this week or something?"

"I think that would be a good idea," Sara lied. What would they talk about? How their marriage had failed? Filling out divorce papers? How she was a horrible wife? She couldn't think of anything she'd rather do less than to meet with her ex-husband.

After Kevin left, Sara spent the final hour of the day hanging with the girls and listening to their stories. They all hung out in the bathroom while Lily took her bath, Megan leaning over the side of the tub and playing with the bubbles that surrounded Lily. Megan had outgrown taking baths with her sister, as they had done for years when the girls were small. Somewhere in the past few months, Megan had become hyper-modest about her body, especially around her mother. Even in the midst of her wonderment at these tiny glimpses of Megan's future self, it made Sara a little sad to see her daughter moving beyond her younger years.

They both took turns telling Sara about the different animals they saw at the zoo. And Sara listened as best as she could, fighting the urge to delve into the swirling thoughts spinning a tornado in her mind. Soon she was filled with images of giraffes and monkeys, coffee talk with Kevin, feeding pigeons with leftover popcorn, the weight of John's body hovering over her, bears sleeping in the sun...

"Mom, are you listening?" Megan asked, bringing Sara back to where she was, running the washcloth over the same spot on Lily's back as her four-year-old played in the bubbles.

"Of course, sweetie," Sara said, putting the washcloth down and unplugging the tub to let the water out.

"Then what did I say?" her older daughter asked, hands on her hips, acting very much like the parent.

"Uh..." Sara racked her brain. Bears? Giraffes? "You were telling me about the lemurs?" Sara asked with a hopeful grin. Megan pushed her lips out in disappointment. "Busted," Sara said with a chuckle. "Sorry Megan, I guess I got caught up in a daydream."

"What were you thinking about?" Megan asked.

"Nothing, really. Mostly how good it was to have you both back. The house is so empty without you!" Megan's face beamed at the answer, and Sara breathed an invisible sigh of relief that the girls couldn't read her mind. "So what were you saying?"

"I was asking you what divorce meant," Megan asked. Sara did a double-take at the question. What the heck were they talking about this weekend?

"Why do you want to know?" Sara asked after a moment's pause to control her voice.

"I heard Daddy talking about it on the phone. He said he might be getting a divorce. One of my friends said her parents got a divorce but I never asked them what it was. Do you have a divorce? Do you know what it is?" she peppered at her mother. Sara thought about how to answer her daughter, and realized that her daughter needed the full truth. But first, she couldn't help but gather a bit of information on Kevin.

"Was your daddy sad when he said it?" Sara asked her.

"Not really. Why, is it a sad thing?"

"It can be. I mean, it might feel sad at first. But sometimes it means that someone can be happier than they were before a divorce. Do you know who he was talking to?"

"I'm not sure. I didn't answer the phone. But Mom, what IS a divorce?"

Sara sighed. She took Lily out of the tub, lifting her wet body onto the towel across her lap and then wrapping her up in it.

"Divorce is when two people who were married decide not to be married anymore," Sara said, hugging Lily close to her and looking Megan in the eyes, trying to look calm and rea.s.suring.

"Are you getting a divorce, too? Like Daddy?" Lily asked in a sleepy voice, sedated from the warm bath water. Megan's eyes were already filled with tears.

"Of course, dummy." Megan's voice was sharp, matching her angry words. "Mommy and Daddy are married to each other. If Daddy's getting a divorce, then Mommy is too."

"Well, hold on Megan. First, don't call Lily a dummy. She's only four, she doesn't know. Second, I don't know if we're getting a divorce. Daddy and I haven't talked to each other about it."

"Then why isn't he here?" Megan demanded.

"Because Daddy and Mommy are taking a small break from being married to each other. It's not a forever break right now, just a vacation break," she said, realizing how lame that terminology sounded. Vacations were when you went somewhere fun. This was anything but fun.

"So when is he coming back from his vacation break?" Megan asked.

"I don't know," Sara said. "I'm not sure if he's coming back," she admitted.

"You won't let him come back, will you?" Megan accused her. "You got mad at Daddy and told him to leave."

"What are you talking about, Megan? I didn't force him to go," Sara defended herself.

"Yes you did! I heard you! You told him to leave that night, to not come back." Sara realized that her daughter had been awake the night they had fought and she told him to pack up his things. Megan had heard every word from their argument.

"Megan, it's not like that," Sara started to explain.

"I hate you! I hate you and I want to leave here too. I want to live with Daddy! He has a pool and tennis courts, and lives near a park. All you have is stupid stuff, and you make people go away." She ran from the bathroom and down the hall, slamming the door to her bedroom behind her.

"I don't hate you, Mommy," Lily said underneath the towel. Sara swiped at her eyes and smiled down at Lily. She ruffled her wet hair with the towel.

"I know, bug," she said.

"Is it okay if I miss Daddy, too?" she asked her mom. Sara smiled.

"Of course you can," she told her. "Want to know a secret?" Lily nodded with wide eyes. "I miss him too."

After Lily got dressed in her pajamas and crawled into bed, Sara kissed her goodnight on the forehead and then shut off the light. She kept the door open a crack and then crept down the hall. Megan's door was still closed, no light escaping from the bottom of the door. It appeared she had gone to sleep. Sara tapped on the door. When there was no answer, she eased the door open and peered in. Megan's sleeping body rose and fell with each shuddering breath, the kind that happened after a good, hard cry. She hoped her daughter had escaped to happier dreams, a place that was free of moms and dads who divorce.

Sara closed the door without making a sound. She went around the house and turned off all the lights, did a quick clean-up of the bathroom, and then retired to her bedroom where she took a long, hot shower. She lathered up her hair, but paused in the midst of it. John had told her she smelled like me. She inhaled, taking in the mango scent of the shampoo we both had fallen in love with as teens.

Sara had discovered it first, a more expensive brand that she bought with her own money to avoid using the cheaper brand our mom bought for the household. She often had to fight me about using her shampoo, too, until she learned it was best just to take it out of the shower when she was done to keep me from using it. I soon gave in and bought my own whenever I thought to save enough money instead of spending it on books or music.

Sara put two and two together and realized that John smelled me in her hair. She sped through the rest of her shower, rinsing out the shampoo and then wrapping her hair in a large towel. Grabbing the bottles of both shampoo and conditioner, she started to toss them into the waste basket, but thought better of it. Such a waste to throw them away, she thought of the half-full bottles. Instead she placed them under the cabinet of her sink, promising herself she'd find a new brand in the morning.

When she came out of the bathroom, she could see a lump under the covers of her bed across the room, a ma.s.s of dark hair peeking out from under the blankets. She smiled, pulling on a nights.h.i.+rt and slipping into bed beside Megan.

"I don't really hate you," Megan mumbled against her pillow.

"I know you don't, sweetie," Sara said, kissing her on the cheek before turning out the light. "Goodnight, darling," she whispered, using the same endearment we both had heard often growing up, a nickname her daughters had now inherited. Sara closed her eyes in the dark, pus.h.i.+ng against the thoughts that kept swimming at her, focusing instead on this moment when her daughter didn't hate her, and relis.h.i.+ng the closeness they still shared while she was still the biggest part of her daughters' young lives.