The Shades Of Time And Memory Part 32

'I do,' Pellaz said. 'That's the trouble. I am not Pellaz Cevarro. But he is still Cal. He is better than he was, whereas I am somehar completely different. He ran from me, Rue. I know it.'

Caeru sighed and knelt by Pell's chair. He winced a little, for his body was still sore inside. 'You don't know that.'

'd.a.m.n Ponclast!' Pellaz snapped. 'I should go to Galhea.'

'But the Parasilians have already left there,' Caeru said softly. 'I think you should be thankful you can't go.'

Pellaz laughed bitterly. 'I am supposed to be strong and dispa.s.sionate; to inspire hara in these troubled times. But I have a heart Rue, and it's bleeding. I can't give myself the time to grieve.'

Caeru curled his fingers over one of Pell's hands, which lay limply on the chair arm. 'Pell, I don't know what to say to you. Your grief is a monster, it always has been. The love you and Cal have for each other is often destructive. I understand it now, but it also frightens me more.'

'I don't think he loves me, Rue. He loves a dead har. It's so cruel. I wish I looked as different on the outside as I am within. Thiede should have taken it from me. Why didn't he? He could have done anything to me. He could have dissolved that love.'

'Perhaps there was a reason he didn't.'

Pellaz sighed and stroked Caeru's fingers. 'Maybe. But I have to go on. I cannot let it consume me. I managed to control it before, I can do it again. Maybe Cal and I will be together again, maybe not. I am Tigron. I haven't got the time to indulge myself wondering about it.'

'It's not over, Pell. Trust me on that.'

Pellaz kissed Caeru's hair. 'I could never have imagined a day I could come to you like this. I am grateful, Rue.'

'Cal gave us that,' Caeru said. 'Stay here tonight. Talk as much as you want, so that tomorrow you can work with a clear head.'

Pellaz nodded. 'I will. Thank you.' He paused. 'The Freyh.e.l.lans are strange. Galdra, their leader, affected me. He made this emotional outburst happen, although it wasn't intentional.'

'Tell me,' Caeru said. 'Tell me everything in your heart.'

The following day, Pellaz attended the Hegalion once more as the tribe representatives applied themselves to devising some kind of strategy. Self-defence was of prime importance. What had happened in Freygard could happen anywhere. As in Megalithica, the strikes could be swift and devastating. The leader of the Sulh representatives, a tall, dark haired hair named Heron, said to Pellaz, 'Even you might not be safe, tiahaar.'

They would all have heard rumours about the attack on Rue, and Cal's disappearance, of course, although Pellaz resolved to play it down. 'Nohar is safe,' he said. 'Status is irrelevant.'

During a break for lunch, Pellaz sought out the Freyh.e.l.lan leader. The Sulh appeared to have struck up quite a friends.h.i.+p with the Freyh.e.l.lans, perhaps because of similarities in their spiritual outlook. When Galdra saw Pellaz heading over, he excused himself from his companions. 'I understand I behaved inappropriately last night,' he said, before Pellaz could speak.

'A little importunate maybe,' Pellaz replied. 'Might I ask why you felt impelled to do that?'

'You have suffered a loss,' Galdra said. 'My words brought it back to you. Anyhar could see that.'

'And anyhar can pick up gossip in the streets of Immanion,' Pellaz said. 'My private life is not that private.'

Galdra smiled. 'It seems strange to be able to converse with you like this. I imagined we'd be commanded to prostrate ourselves before a statue in a temple, or something. I didn't for one minute imagine you as a har of flesh and blood, or one whose eyes would carry such pain. That is honest of you.'

'Careless, more like,' Pellaz said.

'Am I forgiven the indiscretion?'

'Yes. I have already forgotten it.'

'If you should ever want to talk, I can provide a friendly ear.'

'And I thought a kiss was importunate? Really, tiahaar, you are presumptuous.'

'So I've been told. I can't see the point of twisted words. I can't play the Gelaming game of intrigue and duplicity. It is part of the reason I was reluctant to come here.'

'Then remember to whom you speak,' Pellaz said. He inclined his head and turned away, conscious of the Freyh.e.l.lan's gaze even when he reached the other side of the room.

It was two weeks later that Pellaz finally gave in to Caeru's suggestion for an informal evening reception in Phaonica for visitors to the city. In truth, he had quite enough of the tribal delegates during the day, when it seemed he spent most of his time smoothing ruffled feathers and nurturing fragile egos. He had no wish to continue that in a social setting. The discussions had brought home to him how much the other tribes saw the Gelaming as a threat. They seemed to need constant rea.s.surance that they were regarded as important. This was not easy because, despite outward appearances, Pellaz was impatient with the way so many of them were easily offended, and in fact seemed to thrive on finding reasons to be affronted.

The Freyh.e.l.lans had acquired celebrity status among the delegates, but much as Pellaz strove to find it, there was no indication that Galdra, or any of his colleagues, were fomenting dissent among the others. The talks went back and forth, endlessly, yet all they were waiting for really was the ability to send sedim to Megalithica or for Ponclast to commit another atrocity nearer to home. Talk did nothing really. Pellaz wished the tribes would just agree that the Gelaming were most suited to commanding the situation and let them get on with it, but that was not going to happen.

Caeru flittered around the edges of the Hegemony meetings, being a charming host and, along with the ever present Velaxis, entertaining who he referred to sarcastically as the 'VIH's (very important hara) in various hotels around the city. He was in his element, and Pellaz was amused when he realised that quite few choice specimens of foreign harishness ended up in the Tigrina's bed. These distractions had succeeded in ridding Caeru of the last traces of illness, and he appeared to be in constant high spirits.

One morning the Tigrina came to Pell's office and repeated his plea for a party in the palace. 'Pellaz, you are becoming curmudgeonly,' Caeru said. 'What happened to your desire for some sparring? Invite the Freyh.e.l.lans here. You might not have noticed, but that Galdra has his eyes glued to your back. It's about time you brought a little light into your life.'

Pellaz had indeed noticed Galdra's constant scrutiny, mainly because his eyes always tended to seek out the Freyh.e.l.lan in any gathering. He usually found an excuse to talk to Galdra at formal meetings, even though part of him wished he could resist it. 'If you are so keen to meet them informally,' he said, 'invite them to your apartment.'

'I'm thinking of you, not me. Lighten up.'

'I don't want Galdra here, Rue. That's an end to it.'

'Why? You talk to him every day. He flirts outrageously. You like him, don't you?'

'Look, I have work to do. I have a meeting in less than an hour. I am sick of meetings.'

Caeru grinned. 'I think I shall organise a party without you. Then I'll make you attend if I have to drag you there by your hair.'

'Do what you like.'

'Oh, I see. The decision had to come from me. I quite understand.'

'Get out, Rue. I'm busy.'

Caeru laughed and went his way, so much more like the har Pellaz had met in Ferelithia so long ago. Pellaz sat at his desk and put his face in his hands. He didn't know why he felt so hot. It was nothing.

Caeru sent Velaxis out with invitations for a select group of hara to attend the event. Velaxis was adept at tracking hara down when they were alone to make sure only the right ones were informed. However, his plans went slightly awry concerning the Freyh.e.l.lans. Caeru was not pleased to hear that when Velaxis had cornered Galdra, literally as he was walking down the street, the Freyh.e.l.lan had accepted the invitation and then demanded to bring a companion.

'Who?' Caeru demanded.

'Heron har Sulh,' Velaxis replied. 'I could hardly refuse because Heron was also on your list. Do the implications of this interfere with some strategy of yours?'

'I don't know,' Caeru said. 'It probably doesn't matter.'

Velaxis paused, very slightly, before saying, 'You should know the Hegemony look favourably upon the Freyh.e.l.lan.'

'What do you mean?' Caeru asked archly.

'Life goes on,' Velaxis said. 'Alliances are important. You know exactly what I mean.'

'If Pellaz wasn't Pellaz, he'd have had a breakdown by now,' Caeru said, more openly than he intended. 'He deals with things in his own way. He won't be forced.'

'He is har,' Velaxis said. 'And he's not a raw inceptee who can sustain himself with fantasies. He needs to wake up.'

'You're the vizier try telling him that.'

Velaxis laughed coldly. 'The Tigron would much appreciate an opportunity to have me locked up. I'm not so stupid. Just think about what I said.'

Chapter Twenty-Eight.

Pellaz knew the party had started because he could hear music drifting up from the lower floor of Phaonica. It wove in through the open windows like an enchantment. There is no reason not to go, he told himself. But even so, it felt like entering the salon below would be a betrayal. It made no sense. He didn't know what he feared.

After an hour, Caeru still had not turned up demanding the Tigron's presence, so Pellaz realised he would have to make the decision himself. He told himself he didn't want to attend the music alone was irritating yet he felt so restless. After some minutes of fruitless inner debate, he dressed in black and went downstairs.

Once he left the stairs, it was as if he'd walked into a different world. His own rooms above were quiet and peaceful; down here was a bustle of activity. Househara rushed in all directions carrying trays of food and drink. Everywhere was brightly lit. Voices were loud from the main salon. It seemed that Caeru's gathering was a success.

Pellaz paused at the threshold and was astonished at how many hara the Tigrina had invited. Still, it was easy to get lost in a crowd, which might not be a bad thing. He noticed Caeru sitting with a group of adoring hara and went to join them.

Caeru smiled at him. 'I was giving you just ten more minutes before I came to fetch you. Now you're here. Have a drink.' He picked up a tall gla.s.s of wine from a tray on the table before him and offered it to Pellaz.

'No, thank you.'

Caeru sighed. 'Don't just sit there and be a ghost at the party, dampening everything with your dire moans. Enjoy yourself. I know you remember how.'

Already, hara were glancing in Pellaz's direction and he knew it was only a matter of minutes before they descended on him, demanding his attention. He could remember when he used to thrive on that; now it had become a ch.o.r.e. Pellaz took the gla.s.s, which Caeru still held out for him. He sighed.

Inevitably, the hara surged over like a swarm of locusts and proceeded to pick the flesh from the Tigron's bones under the guise of socializing. Pellaz adopted his usual public persona and was able to converse and laugh automatically, while his mind brooded in some dank dark place. He wanted to see Cal so badly, it was a physical pain. He wanted to run from Phaonica and take Peridot into the otherlanes, find a way to Megalithica, no matter how long it took or how dangerous the journey. For so long, he and Cal had been kept apart, with insurmountable obstacles between them. Now, the only impediment was the dysfunctional otherlanes. It seemed ridiculous.

For just a moment, the crowds parted and Pellaz saw Galdra sitting with the Sulh across the room. The group was deep in conversation, for which Pellaz was glad. He knew only too well what he saw in the Freyh.e.l.lan: the gold-haired rebel, the confident seducer. It was dangerous because it wasn't real, or perhaps it was too real for comfort.

Lost in dismal reverie, he didn't realise he was staring until Galdra appeared to sense his scrutiny and looked round. It was not good, the way room suddenly seemed empty but for the two of them. Not good at all.

'Pell,' Caeru said. He leaned close. 'Go to him.'

Galdra hadn't dropped the stare and now Heron har Sulh appeared confused, and not exactly pleased. Pellaz turned to Caeru. 'Tonight, I might fight my way through your admirers and claim my consort. Am I allowed that?'

'Always, you know that. But I don't think that's what you truly want.'

Pellaz traced Caeru's jaw with a fingertip. 'Nohar will ever love me as much as you do, Rue. It's a gift I have never deserved.'

'You know that isn't true,' Caeru said. 'Well, maybe you don't deserve my love, but I'm not the only one. You need distracting, that's all. You need aruna to squash your depression. I hate it. It's like horrible black stuff seeping out of your pores.'

'Then why not with you?'

'Because I think you need to confront exactly why you're afraid to initiate anything with Galdra. What's the difference between me and him? See. There is a difference, and that's what worries you.'

'Leave it, Rue. The night is young. As you said, I should enjoy myself. Tell me gossip.'

Caeru was staring across the room. 'He's still looking over here. He looks distraught, which is less than can be said for Heron har Sulh.'

'Rue, stop it.'

Caeru laughed. 'I admire your willpower, I really do.' He glanced at Pell's gla.s.s. 'And you've finished your drink already. You must be thirsty. Have another.'

'This is not a good idea.' Still, Pellaz allowed Caeru to refill the gla.s.s. Over the course of the next two hours, that gla.s.s was rarely empty.

Occasionally, Galdra would glance round and catch Pell's gaze, but his expression was inscrutable. He did not look distraught, he looked smug. Pellaz was offended by his confidence. The Freyh.e.l.lan believed he belonged in the Tigron's bed, and he had no right to that. Did he think he'd been invited here tonight for this purpose? The thought made Pellaz wince. They should speak. It had to stop.

Before midnight, Pellaz dismissed all those around him from his attention and summoned Cleis, another of his personal a.s.sistants and the brother of Attica, with identical unusual skin colouring. Cleis was standing with a group of househara nearby. Pellaz rose to his feet, happy to find he was still steady and said confidentially to Cleis, 'Have Galdra har Freyh.e.l.la brought to my rooms.'

Cleis bowed, his expression bland. 'Of course. When, tiahaar?'

'Give me ten minutes.'

Cleis nodded and returned to his friends.

Pellaz turned to find Caeru studying him. 'I have to go,' he said.

Caeru raised his gla.s.s. 'Goodnight, consort. Sleep well.'

Pellaz couldn't sit down. He had to keep moving. He drank water because he was afraid he was drunk and needed to remain focused. Ten minutes seemed like an hour, although in fact it took twenty minutes for Cleis to bring Galdra to the Tigron's presence.

Cleis left the Freyh.e.l.lan at the door to Pell's sitting room, where long windows were open to the terrace beyond. Pellaz was out there, staring down at the city, thinking, come now. You must come now. He wasn't thinking of the Freyh.e.l.lan. It reminded him of the moments before his blood-bond to Caeru, when he'd prayed to any deity in the universe who could hear him. He'd prayed for Cal to appear before him, but it hadn't happened. It wouldn't happen now either.

'You summoned me?'

Pellaz turned at the sound of Galdra's voice. The Freyh.e.l.lan stood at the threshold to the terrace, his arms folded. 'Yes, I summoned you,' Pellaz said.

'Is this to discuss a matter of state?' Galdra came toward him.

'In a way. I think you should know I have no intention of succ.u.mbing to your overt flirting. It is embarra.s.sing. You are making a fool of yourself.'

'You summoned me here to tell me this?' Galdra laughed. 'Here's some advice. If somehar desires you and you don't feel the same, try ignoring them.'

'I was thinking of your feelings.'

'Of course. You've been thinking of them all night.'

Pellaz welcomed the hot surge of anger through his heart. 'You are unbelievable. How can you think so much of yourself? Have you forgotten who I am?'

Galdra shrugged. 'I don't care about your t.i.tle. Somehar gave it to you. Everyhar knows where you came from. I prefer to see that. And here is something else you should know. I would never embarra.s.s myself by flirting with somehar who didn't desire me.'

'You're deluding yourself.'

'Maybe I am. It's more than desire. You know it. And you're fighting it, because of the one who abandoned you. The moment you admit how you feel for me is the moment you have to let go of your dreams. And you don't want that.'