Bite Me_ A Love Story Part 10

And so we're going to the Shop Vac section, Bob is like, "So, how's the dark lord?"

And I'm all, "Oh, he's gone. He tried to tear out my jugular vein, so the Countess threw him out the window and it hurt his feelings."

So Bob pats my shoulder and goes, "Men. What are you gonna do? He'll be back. The drill worked okay, though?"

And I'm like, "Oh yeah. We got him out, but he broke both his legs because he was kind of eager."

Then Bob gets all protective Daddy-voice on me and is like, "Safety word, sweetheart. Everyone needs a safety word."

So I'm all, "'Kay."

Then Builder Bob helps me get my Shop Vac into the car, because it turns out that it takes a vacuum big enough to sleep inside to suck up a hundred rats.

'Kayso, then I drove and that thing happened with the car and the cops came and they were all, "You don't have a license and you're not allowed to drive on the sidewalk, blah, blah, oh my G.o.d my insipid cop life is so boring I should just eat my gun, bl.u.s.ter, blah, blah."

And I'm all, "Chill, cops. Call my cop minions Rivera and Cavuto, s'il vous plait s'il vous plait. They will confirm that I am on a secret cop mission and should not be f.u.c.ked with by pathetic day dwellers like yourselves." Then I presented them with Rivera's card, which I whipped out of my messenger bag like it was my badge of bada.s.sness.

So cop one, who is in charge because he has the car keys, is all, "I'll check this out, wait here while I go make radio noises in the car like a humongous loser while my wife is home boning some huge stud-m.u.f.fin."

I'm paraphrasing.

And in like two minutes, up pulls Rivera and Cavuto, and they have a dog now. His name is Marvin, and he's tres tres cute. He's all red, and like a Doberman or something bada.s.s, but he totally likes me and his little stubby tail was wagging and I let him drink some of the hydrant water out of my hand, and he did, even though there was plenty of water everywhere, but I guess it tasted like street and whatnot. cute. He's all red, and like a Doberman or something bada.s.s, but he totally likes me and his little stubby tail was wagging and I let him drink some of the hydrant water out of my hand, and he did, even though there was plenty of water everywhere, but I guess it tasted like street and whatnot.

So I'm like, "Hey, Rivera, tell these douche waffles that you and the a.s.s bear are my b.i.t.c.hes."

And Rivera is all concerned quiet cop voice, "She has mental problems."

"Head injury caused Tourette's syndrome," goes Cavuto.

"We'll handle this from here," goes Rivera.

So I got to ride in the back of the cop car with Marvin and the Shop Vac. It was really crowded and Marvin was all doggie licky love face, so my makeup was tres tres f.u.c.ked up by the time we got to the loft. f.u.c.ked up by the time we got to the loft.

So I'm all, "Marvin loves me good long time, cops."

And Cavuto's all, "Figures, he's a cadaver dog."

And I'm all, "Sure, just make up things to make yourself sound cooler."

And Rivera's like, "Out. Tell your boyfriend we need our jackets ASAP. And after you deliver the message, go home. You're supposed to be at your mother's house."

'Kayso, they abandoned me on the sidewalk with my Shop Vac and drove off. I could see little tears of doggie despair in Marvin's eyes.

So I text Foo that I need help getting the Shop Vac up the stairs and he comes down just as the tow truck pulls up, so all the crying and the screaming happens, and Foo is totally inconsolable, even when I offered him a hand job, which is really the best I could do on the sidewalk with people going by and whatnot, but I was rejected, proving, I think, that he really does love his car more than me.

So it's like, Oh noez! Oh noez! And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito. And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

I needed to mope and grieve for my lost innocence, but no. We had to fix the vacuum so it would suck vampy rat fog and turn it into vampy rat chunks. So while Foo wired science stuff into the Shop Vac, I had to get Jared down off the kitchen counter, where he had decided to stand and chuck a major spaz because he hit his rat fog tolerance level.

And Jared's all, "Get them off me! Get them off me!" And he's swinging the tennis racket around like a friggin' windmill, when the rat fog isn't anywhere near him, but running around the edges of the room like a steamy baseboard.

And I'm all, "You must chill, s.p.u.n.k Monkey, my boots are scratching the counters."

Which Jared takes as his cue to start screaming like a little girl. (When Lily and I were going through our Gothic Lolita fas.h.i.+on phase, which we both abandoned later, me because I'd just gotten my lip ring and I kept dribbling lattes on my lacy parts, and Lily because ruffles made her a.s.s look huge, we used to go to Was.h.i.+ngton Square Park and practice our horrified little-girl screams, but even without practice, Jared was way better than either of us ever was. I think maybe it's his asthma. Me and Lily could pown him at creepy staring, though.) Anyway, I was just glad that Jody took his dagger away from him, because someone could have lost an eye if he was still holding on to it when I swept his feet out from under him with the same stainless-steel torchiere lamp that the Countess had used on Tommy. (Although it was kind of bent now.) And he's all, "Ow, ow, ow."

And I'm all, "Your cross-dressing sissy-man kung-fu is no match for my superior household lighting kung-fu."

And he whines like, "I'm going home. You hurt me. You suck. This sucks. I have to go have family dinner-with my family-and I'm going to school tomorrow so you can just f.u.c.k off and die, Abby Normal."

And I'm like, "Fine, give me my boots."

And he's like, "Fine."

And I'm like, "Fine."

And it would have been way better if he could have just stormed out right then, but it took us about a half hour to get my boots off of him, with me sitting in the sink and him on the counter, guarding me with the tennis racket, because it turned out that I have a pretty low tolerance for rat fog trying to bite me, too.

'Kayso, we got my boots off of Jared and he decided to stay and help because it turns out that even a stream of biting rat fog is more fun than family dinner. So Foo had the Shop Vac all scienced up with sunlight LEDs and whatnot and he turns it on and starts sucking in the mist with most awesome suckage. (Gay Builder Bob rocks hardware!) And it's so cool, because we can see the fog go in-then we can hear the thump as the sun LED turns the rats to solid again and they hit the inside of the plastic drum.

And Foo is all yelling over the motor, "We may have to unload and put them in their boxes before we get too many. We don't want to open this and try to deal with a hundred rats."

And I'm all, "Why don't we just leave them in there until sunup and then they'll all be asleep?"

And Foo looks at me, all surprised, and I'm like, "Shut up. I can be smart and and hawt." hawt."

And he's all, "'Kay," which I don't know whether he meant sarcastically, or that I couldn't be smart, or that I wasn't hawt. But I never found out, because right then the Shop Vac starts making this, foof-thoop splat foof-thoop splat noise, and Jared lets loose with his little-girl scream. noise, and Jared lets loose with his little-girl scream.

And it turns out that the exhaust of the Shop Vac is blowing vampy rats out the back side, which is the foof-thoop foof-thoop noise, and splattering them against the wall, which is the noise, and splattering them against the wall, which is the splat splat. And with every one, Jared is eeking. So it's like, Foof-thoopsplat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! Foof-thoopsplat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! Foof-thoop-splat-eek! I know! It would make a totally cool industrial beat for a dance groove. But I didn't sample it because there was stuff happening. I know! It would make a totally cool industrial beat for a dance groove. But I didn't sample it because there was stuff happening.

And Foo is all, "Pick them up and put them in their boxes. Seal them with duct tape."

'Cause it turns out that vampy rats are pretty durable, and after they splat and slide down the wall, they are starting to pull themselves together again and sort of limp away, but slow enough to catch. But they're still all squishy and whatnot.

So Jared and I just turn to Foo and give him our best, "b.i.t.c.h, please," look.

So Foo's all, "Okay, then, you work the hose."

And I'm all, "Sure, now you want me to work your hose-"

And he's all, "Abby, please!"

Up until then I thought Foo was the most chill love ninja in the Bay Area, but it turns out that if his science gets a little sideways he goes to pieces. So I take the hose and start doing the rat suck, while Foo finds some rubber gloves and a spatula to sc.r.a.pe up the splatter pets.

Then Jared gets the idea of shooting the rats right into their little plastic cages, which, as it turns out, kind of works after we blast a couple of them through the plastic and he starts holding the boxes against a pillow he tapes on the wall. And Foo starts duct taping on the lids before the vamp rats can pull themselves together.

Then I'm all, "You know, if we could use this to shoot tiny dogs at the vamp kitties, we'd be finished with this nonsense in a day or two."

And Foo and Jared both roll their eyes at me like I'm high or something, when they are the ones sealing in mashed rats for freshness. 'Kayso, by, like, midnight, we have all the rats boxed again, and most of them are kind of fixed, but some of them are still pretty f.u.c.ked up from the flight, and Jared is all, "I'm going home. I have issues."

Which I know probably means that he is going to go home and break the news to Lucifer 2 that they are no longer BFFs because Jared has lost his rodent wood forever due to our night of rat carnage, which is a good thing, I guess.

Then Foo is like, "I have to go, too. I have to meet with my academic advisor in the morning, and I have to prepare, then I have work in the afternoon."

And I'm all, "You can prepare here."

And Foo's like, "I don't think I can." And he looks away.

I was going to tell him that I had decided to become a creature of the night, but they were bailing on me, so I was all, "Fine. You two run along. I'll stay here."

And Foo was like, "Wait until dawn, then give each of them a water bottle of blood. They'll heal. But make sure you tape their cages back up so they can't escape. Blah, blah, biology, science, behavior, science word, science word, blah, blah."

So I kissed him like it was the last time, and went into the bedroom to lie down and wait until dawn, but there was like this huge maze made out of wood on our bed, so I went back out into the living room and chilled with the rats on the futon until dawn. I couldn't sleep anyway, because I was thinking of all the people I was totally going to get revenge on when I was nosferatu, after I found Jody and Tommy and rescued them, of course.

'Kayso, like the Terminator (the liquid one, not the one that was governor), I will rise from the wreckage of my own metallic spooge to conquer all who oppose me. I know what I have to do. When Foo is at work, and Jared is at school, I shall use the blood that is blessed with the dark gift and become nosferatu. So suck it, b.i.t.c.hes!

'Kayso, at dawn, when all the rats stopped scrambling around in their little cages, I found one of the syringes that Tommy had gotten from the needle exchange program when he was pretending to be a junky, and I drew blood from the most healthy vamp rat we had. Then I had to decide to drink it or inject it, and after a while, I decided to inject it, which it turns out works just like in the movies and hurts way less than getting your eyebrow pierced.

So then I lay down and waited for the vamping to come on. I thought about Foo, riding the BART all the way back to his parents' house in the Sunset instead of staying with me, and how that was kind of an a.s.sbag move on his part. And I thought of our time together, over six weeks, and how it would be hard on him when I was a superior creature of unspeakable evil and supernatural beauty. And I thought that maybe the Countess and Flood and I might have to live together in a menage a trois menage a trois, and Foo and Jared might have to be our bug-eating minions, like Renfield in Dracula, except Foo would still have his fly manga hair and I would do him occasionally out of pity.

And I cried a little, over the loss of my humanity and whatnot, because I realized that as soon as I was done saving Tommy and Jody, and enslaving Foo and Jared, I was going to sneak into Mr. Snavely's living room one night-come in as mist under the door-then form into my most awesome alabaster naked bada.s.sness and freak him completely the f.u.c.k out for failing me in Biology, and that it would be kind of an inhuman thing to do. And as I grieved, I fell into the deep sleep of the undead.

I know. Tres Tres awesome. awesome.

But no! Now I'm awake, and it's still light out, and the vamp rats are still out and I don't have super powers and my evil is still totally speakable. f.u.c.ksocks! I forgot, I have to die before I change. I looked all over for that pota.s.sium chloride stuff that Foo said they killed the rats with, but all I found was the hammer, and I was all, "I don't think so." So I went up to Market Street and thought I'd throw myself in front of a bus, but then, what if they left my body out in the sun and I burned up? So that was out. So then I was like, "Oh, duh, cut your wrists?" But it hurt like holy f.u.c.k, so I only kind of cut one wrist a little bit, and I bled for like a half hour and I wasn't even light-headed, so I was all, "f.u.c.k this fun-free circus, I need an accomplice."

So I called the suicide hotline.

And I'm all, "I need help."

And the guy is all, "What's your name?"

And I'm all, "You don't have caller ID? What kind of lame hotline is this?"

And he's all, "It says here that your name is Allison. Are you okay, Allison?"

And I'm all, "No, I'm not okay. I'm calling the suicide hotline."

And he's all, "You don't want to commit suicide, Allison."

And I'm all, "Exactly, doofasaurus, I need someone to take me out. I need it to be quick, private, painless, and it shouldn't f.u.c.k up my hair too much."

And he's like, "But there's so much to live for."

So I'm like, "You're burning my minutes, f.u.c.kstick. I need a number for a hit man or one of those Kevorkian doctors."

And he's all, "I can't help you with that."

So I'm all, "Loser!" And I offed my phone.

I can't believe it, but it turns out that the Motherbot was right. Sometimes, the only people you can trust are family. ("'Scuse me, I barely suppressed a rainbow yawn when I typed that.) So here I am, waiting for my little sister, Ronnie, to get home from school so she can murder me, then hide my body under the bed until I return as the true Mistress of the Greater Bay Area Dark. This will be my last entry as a mortal. I have to go pick out an ensem for my death.

I wonder how she'll do it? It better be painless or the first thing on my undead to-do list will be to open a bottle of Whoop-a.s.s P.M. P.M. on little sister. on little sister.

14.

The Samurai of Jackson Street II Katusumi Okata had lived among the gaijin for forty years. An American art dealer, traveling through Hokkaido in search of woodblock prints from the Edo period, had come into Katusumi's father's workshop, seen the boy's prints, and offered to bring Okata to San Francisco to create prints for his gallery on Jackson Street. The printmaker had lived in this same bas.e.m.e.nt apartment since. He'd once had a wife, Yuriko, but she had been killed in front of him on the street when he was twenty-three, so now he lived alone.

The apartment had a concrete floor covered by two gra.s.s mats, a table that held his printmaking tools, a two-burner stove, an electric kettle, his swords, a futon, three sets of clothes, an old phonograph, and now, a burned-up white woman. She really didn't go with anything else, no matter how he arranged her.

He thought he might make a series of prints of her-her blackened, skeletal form posed about the apartment like some demon wraith from a s.h.i.+nto nightmare, but the composition wasn't working. He walked up to Chinatown and bought a bouquet of red tulips and put them on the futon beside her, but even with the added color and design element, the picture wasn't working. And she was making his futon smell like burned hair.

Okata was not used to company, and he wasn't sure how to keep up his end of the conversation. He had once made friends with two rats who came out of a hole in the brick wall. He had talked to them and fed them on the condition that they not bring any friends, but they hadn't listened and he was forced to mortar up the hole. He figured they didn't speak j.a.panese.

To be fair, however, she wasn't doing very well holding up her side of the conversation, either-lying there like a bog person dipped in creosote, her mouth open as if in a scream of agony. He sat on a stool next to the futon with his sketch pad and a pencil and began to sketch her for a print. He had very much admired the great cape of red curls that streamed out behind her when he'd seen her on the street, and he was sorry that all but a few strands had burned away in the sun. A shame. Perhaps he could draw the red curls in anyway. Make them swirl around the blackened rictus like one of Hokusai's waves.

He knew what she was, of course. He was still healing from his encounter with the vampire cats, and it took no little bit of sketching to fill in the details, especially as her fangs were pointing prominently at his ceiling right now and they were far too long and sharp to be those of a normal burned-up white girl. He filled three pages with sketches, experimenting with angles and composition, but on the fourth page he found that a sadness had overcome him that he could not chase away with the moment created in making a drawing.

Katusumi retrieved his wakizas.h.i.+ short sword from the stand on his work table, unsheathed it, and knelt by the futon. He bowed deeply, then put the point of the sword on the pad of his left thumb and cut. He held his thumb over her open mouth and the dark blood dripped over her teeth and lips.

Would she be like the cats? Savage? A monster? He held the razor-edged wakizas.h.i.+ ready in his right hand, should a demon awake. But if he'd been able to raise his beloved Yuriko, even as a demon, wouldn't he have? All the years that had pa.s.sed, kendo training, drawing, carving, meditating, walking the streets unafraid, alone, hadn't they all been about that? About making Yuriko live? Or not living without her?

When the burned-up girl jerked with a great, rasping intake of breath, cinders cracked off her ribs and peppered the yellow futon and water began to flow from the swordsman's eyes.

RIVERA AND CAVUTO.

Marvin the cadaver dog took them to the Wine Country. There they found b.u.mmer and Lazarus, the Emperor's dogs, guarding a Dumpster in an alley behind an abandoned building. Marvin pawed the Dumpster, and tried to stay on task while the Boston terrier sniffed his junk and the golden retriever looked around, a little embarra.s.sed.

Nick Cavuto held the lid, ready to lift it. "Maybe we should call the Wong kid and see if our sunlight jackets are done, then open it."

"It's daylight," said Rivera. "Even if there are, uh, creatures in there, they'll be immobile." Rivera still had a very difficult time saying the word "vampires" out loud. "Marvin says there's a body in there, we need to look."

Cavuto shrugged, lifted the lid of the Dumpster and braced himself for a wave of rotten meat smell, but there was none.

"Empty."

b.u.mmer barked. Marvin pawed at the side of the Dumpster. Lazarus chuffed, which was dog for, "Duh. Look behind it."

Rivera looked in. Other than a couple of broken wine bottles and the rice part of a taco combo plate, there was nothing in the Dumpster, yet Marvin still pawed at the steel, which was the signal he had been trained to give when he'd found a corpse.