Losing It Part 19

By the end of audition week, the thing with Garrick was starting to feel like the "no big deal" I kept saying it was. I got to cla.s.s at the very last minute and was usually the first out of the room. True to his word, he kept it professional in cla.s.s, which really just meant we only interacted the bare minimum. I never saw him at Grind again, and we'd been there a lot.

He was in the auditions, but so was every other faculty member. And not even his presence could dampen my excitement for this show. As an actress, I was always drawn more to cla.s.sical roles than contemporary (hence the Shakespeare obsession), and we were finally doing a Greek show (well... a translation of a Greek show, anyway). Phaedra wouldn't have been my first choice, considering it was all about forbidden love, which was so not what I needed right now. But, at the very least, I had a great understanding of my character when I auditioned. Sure, Phaedra was l.u.s.ting after her stepson, not her professor, but the feelings were the same.

I hadn't wanted a role this badly in a long time.

When it was my turn to enter the theatre for auditions, I felt good, confident. I knew my lines. I knew my character. I knew what it was like to want someone you can't have. And more than anything... I knew what it was to want and not want something all at the same time. I poured every ounce of l.u.s.t and fear and doubt and shame into that minute and a half performance. I wrenched myself open in a way I never did in real life, because here... here I could vent and deal and pretend it wasn't about me... pretend it was about Phaedra. I was more honest under the heat of those lights than I ever was in the light of day.

And in minutes it was over, and I was back in the greenroom, left wondering if it was enough.

When auditions were over, we all went out to celebrate. They would post callbacks in the morning, and that would be a whole new thing to worry about, but for now, it was out of our hands.

All together (mostly seniors and juniors), we took up an entire section of Stumble Inn. Even though we were at separate tables-we talked across the room to each other obnoxiously and didn't give a d.a.m.n how many people we annoyed.

We started the night with shots of tequila, which was a little too eerily close to my night here with Garrick, but I shrugged it off. I was here with friends. It would do me some good to loosen up and have some fun.

I was at a table with Cade and Kelsey, of course. Lindsay was there, too, along with Jeremy, a cute soph.o.m.ore that I'd drunkenly made out with last year. He'd sort of tagged along a lot since then, but I was pretty sure he knew nothing was going to happen between us. These days he was starry-eyed for our resident s.e.x-crazed beauty, Kelsey. Then there was Victoria, who could easily have pa.s.sed for Kelsey and Lindsay's lovechild. She had Kelsey's b.o.o.bs (and her s.l.u.ttiness), but Lindsay's I-Hate-Everyone-and-Everything att.i.tude. And finis.h.i.+ng out the table was Rusty, who was pretty much the king of all things random and hilarious.

Jeremy was the only one too young to drink, but the waiter didn't even bother carding the whole table. She looked at Cade's ID, and then just scanned the others. We ordered drinks, food, and then some more drinks.

I was feeling pretty good by the time talk came around to auditions.

It was Rusty, who broke the ice. "So... how about that incest play?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's not incest, Rusty. They're not related by blood."

"Doesn't matter," he shrugged. "I've got a step-mom, and I would s.h.i.+t my pants if she came on to me."

Kelsey laughed, "That probably has more to do with you being gay."

"I've met your step-mom. She can come onto me anytime," Cade said.

If we were different kinds of people, Rusty would have gotten p.i.s.sed, maybe punched Cade in the arm... or the face. Instead, they high-fived.

"Seriously, though, how did everyone do?" Rusty asked. "I was c.r.a.p. I'll be lucky to get soldier number two or the servant."

Kelsey b.u.t.ted in, "I would kill to play Aphrodite. I mean, who else has the b.o.o.bs for it?"

Victoria raised her hand, "Um, h.e.l.lo? Do your eyes not work?" She gestured at her chest.

"Come on, do you even want Aphrodite?"

"h.e.l.l no," Victoria said. "Doesn't mean my b.o.o.bs don't resent you ignoring them."

Wide-eyed, Jeremy said, "I'd never ignore your b.o.o.bs."

Everyone laughed. Jeremy generally stayed pretty quiet when we were all out together. I guess it could be difficult to keep up with us, considering we'd spent every waking moment with each other for the past four years, and he was the newbie to the group.

"What about you, Bliss?" Lindsay asked. "We all know you're wetting yourself just thinking about this."

I might have blushed, if my cheeks weren't already flushed from the alcohol.

"I think it went well. I just... I really get Phaedra, you know?"

Kelsey burst out laughing, and I kicked her under the table.

Cade smiled at me, "What? Are you l.u.s.ting after some family member I've never met?'

I pushed at his shoulder, and he laughed, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me close.

"I'm kidding, babe."

"I just... I get what it's like to want something, but to try and force yourself to really believe that you don't. It doesn't even have to be about love. It's about wanting something you can't have or something you don't think you deserve. h.e.l.l, we want the parts that our friends get, even though they're our friends and we should be happy for them. We sit in the audience and think about how we would have done a role. We want what we can't have. It's human nature."

I might have gotten a little carried away. The table was quiet when I finished.

Until Rusty said, "You are clearly not drunk enough!" So, we did more drinking, and our food arrived, looking greasy and glorious.

"You guys do realize there is one major topic we haven't talked about." Victoria raised an eyebrow, and continued. "Professor I'm s.e.x incarnate and could probably get you pregnant just by looking at you."

Most of the guys around the table (minus Rusty) groaned, while most of the girls (minus me) plus Rusty said various differentiations of "h.e.l.l yes!"

Victoria fanned herself. "Seriously, that first day when he spoke, I think his accent alone nearly gave me an o.r.g.a.s.m."

I stayed quiet, and Kelsey did, too, shooting me a questioning glance.

I could excuse myself and go to the bathroom. Would that seem bizarre? It's not like I hadn't had a lot to drink.

"Kelsey, why aren't you backing me up here?" Victoria asked. "Can I just call dibs for as soon as we graduate?"

I tried to keep my face pa.s.sive.

Kelsey smiled, "Oh, yeah, he's cute. But he's a little too prim and proper for me. I like a guy who is a bit more dangerous." She winked at Jeremy, and I'm sure his jaw would have detached if it dropped any lower.

"What? His motorcycle isn't dangerous enough for you?" Cade asked.

"He has a motorcycle? I didn't know that!" She shot me an accusing look like I was betraying her by not relaying this piece of information.

"What happened with him and Dom?" Lindsay asked me. "Dom is still b.i.t.c.hing about how he manhandled him during your audition."

Cade's hand slipped from the back of the booth to around my shoulders, and he gave me a quick squeeze.

"Dom's just a jacka.s.s. Mr. Taylor just pulled him off of me, that's all."

Rusty smiled and pointed at Cade and me, "You two are so cute. ' Oh Mr. Taylor this and Mr. Taylor that.' I think you're the only ones still treating him like a teacher instead of a piece of meat."

I rolled my eyes. I never called him Mr. Taylor to his face, but it just felt weird to talk about him with other people and call him Garrick. I felt like they'd be able to read all my secrets on my face, and they'd know exactly how un-teacher-like I considered him.

Maybe I did need that bathroom break after all. I nudged Cade, and he slipped out of the booth, and let me go. Every step away from that booth, my anxiety eased. I'd stay gone for a few minutes, then I'd come back and they'd be on a completely different conversation, and everything would be fine.