The Far Side Of Forever Part 39

and accept it, it's easiest if I'm the one giving the orders for it. That's the reason I'm leader of this expedition, and one of the reasons why I came after you."

"No, that can't be true," I whispered, feeling the cold now inside me. "Graythor isn't like that, he would never do something like that. To send someone along with this expedition just so they could die!"

"Only if it becomes necessary," he corrected me gently, trying to hold me closer to stop the trembling that had started again. "The rest of you are vital to this quest, so you can't be spared. And you can't blame the wizard for being practical with something this important. It's a matter of one life in exchange for millions."

"No," I said again, blinking my eyes against the blurri- ness, and then my face was buried in his chest, one way I didn't have to look at him. It was my people he was willing to give up his life for, a world full of strangers he didn't even know, knowledge of the need alone enough to make him do it. Useless, I'd called him, and incompetent and an imbecile and everything else 1 could think of, and all the while he'd- I hid my face to keep from looking at him, and wished I could hide my shame in a deep, deep pit.

"Come on now, it isn't as bad as you're picturing it,"

he said in a coaxing way, stroking my hair again. "There's nothing to say that I will die, and the position has benefits as well as drawbacks. I got to rescue the prettiest sorceress 1 ever met, didn't I? And at the cost of nothing more than a few scratches? And-before anything was done to hurt her?"

The questioning in his voice showed he was at it again, worrying about someone else instead of himself. I couldn't understand how it was possible to be that selfless, but I no longer had the least doubt that he was. Or that 1 was as far . from it as you can get and still pretend to be human.

"I can't tell you how small and ashamed I feel," I whispered, raising my head to look at him. "No matter what you say, we both know that you will die, just the way InThig did. I never got the chance to tell it I was sorry for what I'd said, and if it happened twice I don't think I could stand it. I was wrong to treat you the way I did, and

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I really am sorry. And I'm sorry you had to get hurt helping someone who doesn't deserve any help. 1 promise 1*11 miss you almost as much as I miss InThig."

I put my head down again, feeling so miserable that crying would have been something of a step upward. I didn't know what had made me tell him about how i felt over InThig's loss, it had just seemed to come out, but if I'd had to tell anyone it should have been Rik. InThig had liked Rik, and I-I had loved InThig.

"It's nice to know I'll be missed when I'm gone," Rik said in an odd murmur, almost as though he were trying to keep from sounding amused. "And almost as much as InThig. That's quite a compliment, and it was worth a few scratches to hear it. But you still haven't said whether or not I got to you before they hurt you. Did I?"

"They didn't do anything but put me in this stupid costume," 1 said raising my head again. "Not that it would have made any difference even if they had."

"It would have made a difference to me," he said very firmly, his bronze eyes glowing as his fingers wiped at my cheek. "If they'd hurt you, I would have done a little more than simply turning their G.o.d into a rug. And as far as that costume goes, 1 don't think it's stupid at all. If you want the truth, I find it very-appealing."

"You wouldn't find it that appealing if you were the one who had to wear it," I came back, feeling the sudden flush in my cheeks. "I feel stupid, and naked-not to mention cold."

"No, I don't think I'd find it very appealing if I were the one who had to wear it," he agreed, showing a faint grin. "It's too bad we don't have anything else for you to wear, but maybe we can do something about your being cold. Is this any better?"

He had gathered me even closer than he'd been holding me before, and was looking down into my eyes in a way that made me feel very strange. Outside the rain dripped and dripped, making the air damp and chill, but the circle of his arms wasn't letting it touch me. Only his warmth was touching me, and his wide, strong hands holding me close.

"I nearly went mad when I thought they might be

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hurting you," he said, his hand stroking my hair again, his voice very soft. "I swore to myself that I'd beat you for an hour if I ever got you out of that place in one piece, and I think you'll agree now that you deserve that beating. Don't you."

His eyes refused to let mine go, and although I squirmed a little, I couldn't completely deny what he'd said. It had been a number of years since I'd been responsible to anyone but myself, but back in the days I had been, Morgiana and Uncle Graythor would have seen to it that a beating was the least of what I got.

"If we ever get back, are you going to tell Graythor what I did?" I asked, beginning to feel upset again. "I know we'll probably be trapped here forever, but if some- how we do manage to get back-will you tell him?"

"Is there any reason I shouldn't?" he countered, his expression s.h.i.+fting very slightly to one I couldn't read.

"He told me that you usually call him uncle, and that he cares for you as much as you care for him. Don't you think he's ent.i.tled to know what almost happened to you?"

"But it will just get him upset for nothing," 1 objected, having no trouble picturing Graythor's "upset." Until you've seen a wizard of his caliber really angry, you haven't seen anything. "If you like "you can-beat me the way you said you wanted to, just as long as you don't say anything."

"To keep the wizard from getting upset," he murmured with a nod, and this time 1 was certain he was amused.

"I'm sure he would really appreciate being considered like that, but you're giving me something of a problem. You see, the urge to beat you has pa.s.sed."

"Pa.s.sed," I echoed, now feeling more ill than upset. I was sure we weren't going to get out of there, but what if we did. . . ?

"Of course, mere might be something we could substi- tute for the beating," he said thoughtfully, now toying with my hair. "You probably won't like it much, and if you don't I can't blame you, but-"

"What?" I asked when he let the words trail off, put- ting one hand to his arm. "If you have a suggestion, at least let me hear it."

2cg

"Well, there has been something I've wanted to do ever since we first met," he said, bringing his eyes back to mine. "I'm sure you won't find it pleasant, but if you really want to save the wizard all that worry ..."

"Go-go ahead," I managed, having no real idea what he intended, but still anxious to get it over with. It would probably hurt, or be disgusting, or maybe just be ex- tremely distasteful. I thought I had braced myself against just about anything, but I still felt shocked and surprised when he put a big hand to my face, raised it to his, and then kissed me.

People kept saying I was innocent, and maybe I hadn't been kissed very much, and maybe I didn't know why his kiss was so different from Zail's- Oh, h.e.l.lfire, I didn't know anything but the fact that I was being kissed, gently but very deeply, so deeply that I could feel it all the way through me. His arms held me to the warmth of his body, one of his hands behind my head, his lips kissing mine in a way 1 could only feel, not describe. It went on until my head swam, until I thought I was going to faint, but when it ended it felt as though it hadn't lasted any time at all.

"That's-that's what you wanted to do?" I asked as soon as I could, which wasn't really very soon. He was still holding me in his arms, and my entire body felt as though it were tingling.

"Ever since I first saw you," he agreed, those eyes watching me again. "Considering how you feel about me it must have been pretty awful for you, but don't forget it was done in a good cause. Now the wizard won't be given any unnecessary worry,"

"No, he won't," I said, trying to gather together my thoughts from where they'd been scattered to. "But-that was just one kiss. Maybe-since it's Graythor-maybe you should take another, just to be sure you don't acciden- tally say anything, just to be certain the payment balances against the favor."

"You know, that sounds like a good idea," he said with a very soft smile, somehow understanding what I'd meant despite the babbly, scattered way it had come out. "Just to be on the safe side."

And then he kissed me again, but there was nothing

THE PAR SIDE OF FOREVER.

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repet.i.tive or boring about the effort. It felt as though his kiss would be something new and wonderful even if he kissed me a thousand million times, and all I wanted to do was float away to the place it took me and stay there forever. I expected it to go on and on, but suddenly he broke it off and sat up away from me.

"I think that's all there had better be of that," he said in a mutter, running one hand through his hair. "Let's find something to talk about instead, or better yet, something to argue about. Arguing is probably the best thing we can do."

"But I don't want to argue with you," I protested, sitting up and wrapping my arms around myself against the chill his letting me go had allowed back. "Rik, I didn't think I'd ever say this, but I-enjoyed-having you kiss me. Didn't-you-enjoy it?"

" 'Enjoyed it' isn't the proper phrase," he said, turning his head to look at me with a faint, humorless smile.

"Laciel, it was fun talking you into kissing me, but it moved beyond fun faster than I thought it would. I sup- pose I should have known-it was really stupid to go even that far-to steal a kiss like a cub after his first transition- d.a.m.n it, do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"

"Not really." I said, trying not to^hiver from how cold I was, "All I know is that I want you to kiss me again.

And you promised to keep me warm. Tell me why you can't kiss me again and keep me warm."

He stared at me in silence for a very long moment, something like pain in the expression in his eyes, a pain I couldn't understand. Then he sighed, a sound of defeat if I ever heard one, but somehow I felt the defeat wasn't mine.

When he came back to fold me in his arms again, I became certain of it.

"Ever since I joined this quest, my word has become worthless," he murmured as he kissed me lightly, softly, a faint self-disgust in his tone.' 'I promised myself I wouldn't do this, and now look at me."