The Nanny Part 40

"Josh?"

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l! How did you do that?"

"I just said what came into my head first."

"That is frightening," said Pippa.

"What the h.e.l.l was he doing there?"

"He's looking after the kids while you're away. And get this! He took time off work to do it. And, get this! He did it because otherwise Vanessa might have got another nanny in!"

"You're kidding?" gasped Jo.

"He asked me for a coffee, so I couldn't get any more than that, but I'll try and get some more tomorrow. I had to go suddenly because I realized I'd lost Sebastian James."

"He asked you for coffee? Maybe he fancies you. Oh my G.o.d, of course-"

"Shut up! Considering that he'd just asked me how you were, and I'd just told him that you were upset because of Shaun, I think it was more likely that he wanted to find out the real story about you."

"He asked about me?"

"Instantly. The minute he saw me."

Jo felt giddy with excitement.

"Unfortunately," continued Pippa, "so is Gerry. And it doesn't look like he is going to take no for an answer."

"Well he'll have to."

"Nick told me he once took a whole year to get a girl to go out with him."

Jo swore under her breath. "Just tell him I'm obsessed with Josh," she muttered.

"Oh yeah, right, tell a trained fighter exactly who his rival is when he knows where he lives. Do you want Josh beaten up again? I think once is enough for your conscience, don't you?"

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l. Gerry sounds like a nightmare. That'll teach me to flirt."

"Aha!" cried Pippa. "So you admit, you did flirt with Gerry?"

"Well," said Jo, "Maybe I was trying to make Josh a little jealous. Nudge him into actually making a move. How was I to know Gerry was a freak?"

"Hmm."

"Why can't Josh be that determined to get me? And why can't Josh want more than a s.h.a.g from me? And why can't Josh just be a nice bloke with no sides to him? And why can't I think of anything else?"

"Because that would be far too simple."

"Well, you got what you wanted."

"Are you calling my boyfriend simple?"

"No, I'm saying I'm jealous. You both liked each other, you both did something about it. The End."

"Ah," said Pippa. "But that's after years of complications. You've had it all too simple for the past six years. It's your turn for the fun and games now. Those are the rules."

Jo sighed.

"Anyway!" said Pippa. "I noticed your sharp nannying eye hasn't left you."

"Eh?"

"Do you want to know where I lost Sebastian James? And why I had to go to the local police station to pick him up? And what I had to tell my boss?"

Jo did want to know. She listened keenly and that night in bed, dreamed of Josh asking questions about her while picking up Tallulah from nursery.

Chapter 21.

It was another few days before Sheila finally returned her call. They arranged to meet for lunch that day, in their usual cafe.

As they sat looking at the tablecloth, Jo realized she didn't know where to jump in on their conversational loop. The usual subjects of Shaun and her parents were too raw for her to broach. The only impartial subject she could think of talking about was Pippa. Before the silence got too agonizing, she told Sheila all about Pippa and how Pippa was probably the only reason she was staying in London and how much Sheila would adore her. When Sheila didn't respond, it hit Jo that Pippa was probably not the most tactful of subjects to have started on. Why couldn't she talk to her best friend anymore?

"How's work?" she asked Sheila finally.

Sheila looked up briefly from her food. "It's a job," said Sheila. "Certainly nothing to write home about."

Jo started eating. "How's James? I've missed him."

Sheila raised her eyebrows. "I haven't."

Jo frowned. "Where's he gone?"

"We finished a fortnight ago."

Jo gawped. "What? What happened?"

"We finished," repeated Sheila. "A fortnight ago."

"I thought you two were going to get married."

"Just shows you how wrong you can be."

"What happened, Shee?" Jo softened her tone.

"Turns out I was just waiting for something better to come along. And it came along."

"Who the h.e.l.l came along?" Jo used her gossipy tone. "I have to know!"

"You 'have' to know, do you? All of a sudden, you 'have' to know?"

Jo sighed. "G.o.d, Shee, I'm so sorry if I made you feel-"

"You didn't make me feel anything," cut in Sheila.

"Then why are you being so...like this?"

Sheila stared at her food. "Sorry," she said eventually.

"It's not as though I've been having fun," said Jo.

"When are you going back?"

"As soon as I can leave my mum."

"Hmm."

"Anyway," said Jo, adopting her gossipy tone, "so who's the mystery man?"

Sheila gave a secret smile.

"Do I know him?" whispered Jo.

Sheila smiled again.

Jo gasped. "It's not John Saunders is it? Village idiot? Face like an albino rabbit?"

Sheila laughed. "p.i.s.s off!"

Jo laughed and waited for the moment to pa.s.s. "So how is James?" she asked.

"Oh absolutely fine," said Sheila. Jo looked astonished. "Turns out he was just waiting for me to dump him," explained Sheila.

"Men."

"Hmm."

"Hmm," said Jo. "I-I finished with Shaun, actually."

Sheila raised her eyebrows.

"You don't seem surprised," said Jo miserably.

"I'm not. To be honest."

"Oh," said Jo. "I was."

Sheila looked at her.

"Actually," said Jo, "he sort of helped me do it."

They finished their lunch. They looked out of the window. They looked round the cafe. They decided not to have another tea.

"So what do you mean, he helped you do it?" asked Sheila, as they paid the bill.

Jo confided to her best friend of ten years about the breakup of her relations.h.i.+p of six as they wandered out of the cafe.

After their lunch together, Jo and Sheila went their separate ways, and Jo took herself off to the river. She knew that her father would need her back within the hour, so she didn't have that long, but hopefully it would be long enough.

As she walked away from the High Street toward the bridge, she felt like she'd swallowed a black hole and it was sucking up her insides. She could barely stand up straight. She stepped gingerly onto the bridge where she and Shaun had had their first kiss all those years ago. She watched the water flow underneath and wondered how such a special memory could make her feel so sad. Then she thought about Sheila and the friends.h.i.+p that had been such a large part of her ident.i.ty. And then she thought about her parents. Had she made her mother ill by leaving?

Staring at the river, her thoughts flowed too fast for her to keep up. Had she taken all the important things in her life for granted? Had she ruined all her memories? Or, even more terrifying, had she been getting it wrong all the time, building memories on such shaky ground that they couldn't withstand change? Had she been wrong to leave for London, or had it shown her that it had been time to move on? Had she left herself with nothing? Or shown herself that she'd started with nothing?

After what seemed like ages, she walked over the bridge and turned to the right, following the flow of the river. The sound of the gravel crunching underfoot almost made her weep with nostalgia. And then she reached the church graveyard. She forced herself to stop and look at it. Two ghosts appeared. Two fifteen-year-olds with everything to live for, sharing their first voluntary carcinogen behind the gravestone of a fifteen-year-old girl who'd died in a freak factory accident. Had she loved Sheila then? Would she have loved Sheila if she'd met her in London, almost ten years later? Would she even like her if she met her now? The thoughts were starting to make her feel morose.

She turned the corner and stopped to take in her favorite view. Against the bright blue horizon, trees swollen with buds waved gently at her in the breeze. Fields pregnant with potential rushed toward her, and she stared and then stared again, taking it all in like something the doctor had ordered. Slowly but surely, she began to feel hope and a flicker of fire in her belly. She hardly understood the emotions within her. How was that possible-to feel something you couldn't understand? And so she backtracked to the last time she remembered feeling like this and got such a jolt that she needed to sit down on the ground. After considerable soul-searching, Jo realized what had been wrong in her life. Dorothy discovered that the Wizard wasn't the one with her answer-it had been inside her all along.

A long way away, Josh Fitzgerald was having a rather different sort of epiphany. Tallulah was being picked up from nursery and taken to play with a friend, so he had taken the opportunity of being home midweek to see his mother for lunch in Fortnum's after she'd visited the Royal Academy to see their latest exhibition.

He'd got rather more than he'd bargained for. By dessert, he was sitting, slack-jawed in the restaurant, staring at his mother.

"Don't look at me like that, Joshua," said Jane. "The chef will poach you."

"I can't believe what you just told me," whispered Josh.

"What? That I don't blame d.i.c.k for leaving?"

"Yes. And the other thing."

"What? That I engineered his affair with that silly secretary?"

Josh hung his head in his hands. "I don't get it," he whispered. "Why are you telling me this now?"

Jane sat back in her chair.

"It's my therapy. Martin really is marvelous. He's made me look deep within myself, and I've seen that I controlled the whole thing. Your father couldn't control a TV remote. Why do you think he married Vanessa?"

"But why would you control the breakup of your own marriage?"

"Because I wanted out. And," Jane confided, "it turns out I had a cla.s.sic pa.s.sive-aggressive att.i.tude to our marriage, so my only way of dealing with it was to force him into the role of abandoner because I wanted to be the angry one. It's actually very clever, when you think I didn't even realize I was doing it."

"So hold on," said Josh, "let me get this straight so that when I rewrite the past that you ghosted for me, I won't get it wrong this time."