Loving Hart Part 11

I'm not sure if it would be possible for me to feel more like s.h.i.+t than I do right now. Delilah hasn't looked good in weeks. If anything, she looks a little bit more exhausted to me every single day. I've tried talking to her about it, but she's been very straightforward about her desire for me to leave it alone.

"I love you Spencer, and I always will, but I can't handle you. Apparently, I can't handle anything right now. I'm exhausted and I feel like s.h.i.+t. I guess I just need to wrap my mind around the fact that my life isn't going to turn out the way I'd always hoped that it would. I'm sure that once I can manage to do that, I'll start to feel more human. Until then, seeing you only hurts me more. I'm sorry, but it's true."

I took that badly, even though I told her I'd honor her wishes. It was like a knife in the gut to hear her say those words. A part of me wished that I could just give her what she wants, but I would never take a chance like that with a child's life. I don't have the paternal gene, and that's that.

Of course there's no one I can talk to about this. Normally, by now, Damien would have noticed that my s.h.i.+t is way off, but he's so wrapped up in Brooke that I don't think he notices much else. I can't say I blame him. His happily ever after is unfurling in front of him, and I don't begrudge him that. How can I when he's happier than I've ever seen him? He and Dante both are like new men, completely wrapped up in the loves of their lives. I'm jealous as h.e.l.l, but that's my cross to bear, not theirs.

It definitely seems like everyone has something happening except for me. Going to clubs is out, because I couldn't feign interest in a woman if I had a gun to my head. I want to be spending all of my time with Delilah, but that's not an option. I've found that the only thing that pa.s.ses the time is my old standby, going to the gym. I'm running and weight training for hours and hours every night after work, and I think that's the only reason I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Unfortunately, even though I can get to sleep, my sleep overall still sucks. I'm waking up all through the night and I'm grinding the h.e.l.l out of my teeth.

Work has been really quiet today, mostly due to the fact that Damien and Dante are out of the office for a deposition. Normally, both of them would have stopped into my office by now to say hi, shoot the s.h.i.+t, or discuss work. Tally typically drops in every morning with coffee for Dominique, but she's nowhere to be found either.

Dominique and I have some more stuff to do today with the unit we found a problem with. It's coming along, but the buyers are making crazy requests and it isn't over yet. My front office wall is floor to ceiling gla.s.s, and since Dominique is working in my division, I've got a direct line of sight to her. I'm trying not to be nosy, but it seems like she's really keyed up today for some reason. She's checked her cell phone at least two dozen times in the last hour, and it's a definite indicator that she's anxious about something. I just hoped there wasn't anything wrong between her and Tally. When I saw her pick up her phone again, I called out to her desk and asked her to come in. It didn't escape my notice that she came in with her cell phone in hand.

I wasted no time in getting right to the point. "What's up with the constant checking of the cell phone?"

When she started looking everywhere but at me, I get a very, very bad feeling. Just like that, it dawned on me that I hadn't had a chance to peek in on Delilah today, and my heart stopped. Something was wrong.

"Where is your sister and what's wrong with her?"

She continued looking anywhere but directly at me. "She's out sick again, but she's fine."

My hand smacked down on the desk before I even realized that I was going to do it. "If that was all, you wouldn't be looking at your phone every minute, and you wouldn't be looking anywhere but at me right now. Why would you try to keep something like that a secret? Don't you think we all have a right to know, to try and help?"

Looking d.a.m.n uncomfortable, she shook her head. "Everybody else knows. It's why family dinner got canceled last night."

Jesus Christ! Damien had texted me last night to tell me that dinner was canceled because Sabrina had a migraine. It never occurred to me that he was lying to me.

I couldn't help it, and I yelled at Dominique before I could hold myself in. "What the f.u.c.k?"

"Look Spence, I'm really sorry about this. She just really wasn't up for more people looking at her. As it is, Dante forced her to spend the weekend at his house, and the rest of us stayed there too. I think it was just too much for her, and she asked us not to burden you with it."

Every ounce of control I had was being put to the test as my heart felt like it was shutting down. "I'm f.u.c.king 'people' now? I thought I was family. Delilah could never never be a burden to me. You're telling me the entire G.o.d d.a.m.n family was there and no one bothered to alert me? Do you have any idea what it would do to me if something were to happen to her if I wasn't there? I'd f.u.c.king die Dominique. I'd literally just quit caring about life and die. You know how I feel about her!" be a burden to me. You're telling me the entire G.o.d d.a.m.n family was there and no one bothered to alert me? Do you have any idea what it would do to me if something were to happen to her if I wasn't there? I'd f.u.c.king die Dominique. I'd literally just quit caring about life and die. You know how I feel about her!"

I felt terrible because I could clearly see that I was upsetting Dominique, but I couldn't control my reaction.

"I know all of that Spencer, and I swear to G.o.d, if I thought it was life or death, I would have called you, no matter what she said. I really think she's fine. Mama San thinks she probably has mono, and I'm inclined to agree. She's at the doctor now and I'm waiting to hear the verdict. I'll let you know."

It wasn't much, but I had to agree to that and let her leave the office.

I was wrong. Turns out it was possible to feel worse. I felt more like s.h.i.+t than I did earlier.

Chapter Twenty-One: Delilah

After I threw up the chicken noodle soup, my stomach stayed settled for the rest of the night. I would have slept like the dead if I didn't wake up every time Mama San, Dante or Damien came into the room to check on me. I know they thought they were being covert, but I knew each time one of them was standing over the bed staring at me. At one point, there was a traffic jam in my room when all three of them showed up right around the same time. I felt bad that they were so upset, especially Dante, now that I know why he's so uptight about things like this.

When I woke up in the morning, Brooke was sitting on my bed with a gla.s.s of ginger ale. It went down smooth and I felt perkier than I had in weeks. Not good, but not like death warmed over. I hoped that I was starting to turn the corner.

I got dressed and ready rather quickly, making it to breakfast in record time. My stomach rolled when I smelled the coffee, but I was able to avoid vomiting. I even managed to get down an entire piece of dry toast. After breakfast, everyone hugged and kissed me goodbye as they made their way out for the day.

That left Tally and I alone, so we spent a few minutes talking about Damien's engagement plans for Brooke. All of us are so excited about the fact that he wants to do it with all of us there.

Before I knew it, the time had come for us to head to my doctor's office. We got there a few minutes early, but their last appointment finished early, so they took me right away.

I've had the same doctor ever since Mama San took guardians.h.i.+p of us, and I like Dr. Reynolds very much. She's one of Mama San's neighbors, and she's super nice. I went through the normal routine with the nurse who came and took my temperature, checked blood pressure, listened to my heart and looked in my ears. We spent a few minutes going over my symptoms and issues before she closed my chart and told me the doctor would be right in.

After a few minutes pa.s.sed, Dr. Reynolds walked in. "Hi Delilah, it's a pleasure to see you. I'm sorry I wasn't around this weekend, I was in Santa Barbara with my daughter, or I would have stopped by to check on you. The notes from my nurse say that you're exhausted, nauseous and feeling generally under the weather. Are those the only symptoms?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"I see here that you told the nurse that there's no chance that you could be pregnant. When you say no chance do you mean you haven't had s.e.xual relations at all, or do you mean that you don't think think that there's a chance?" that there's a chance?"

Oh. My. G.o.d.

My heart started beating double time right then and there as I silently prayed that pregnancy wasn't what was wrong with me. Mono was suddenly looking very, very good.

"I've had s.e.x, but I'm on the pill. And I had my period last week. It was lighter than usual, just spotting really... but I figured that was because I was so sick."

"You took every pill on time?"

That pulled me up short when I remembered that I hadn't taken it when Spencer and I got back from Malibu or for the two days after that. "No... oh G.o.d. No, I didn't. I forgot to take it for three days."

Nodding her head, she pressed the b.u.t.ton for the nurse. "Alright Delilah, here's what we're going to do. The nurse is going to come back, and you're going to take a pregnancy test. All of your symptoms align with that, so we're going to have to rule that out first. Once we have the result, we can go from there."

I went through the rest of the process in a daze, continuing to pray that I wasn't pregnant. I know d.a.m.n well that Spencer will flip out if I turn up pregnant. It's just not something I could do to him.

Waiting for Dr. Reynolds to come back seemed to take ages, but the clock indicated that it was really only about ten minutes. I knew before she even opened her mouth.

"I've got news. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're pregnant."

I stared at her in shock for a ridiculously long time. She broke the silence by saying, "I take it by the look on your face that this isn't good news?"

I shook my head. "No. This is the worst news possible. I can't keep it."

She looked sad for me, but she nodded understandingly. "That choice is yours. I'd advise you to sit on this for a few days and see how you feel. Give it time to settle."

I hemmed and hawed before asking her how I could conceal it from my family. "My timing is terrible. Dante is getting married in twelve days, and everyone is freaking out about how sick I've been. I can't handle telling them that I'm pregnant right now because they will go mental. So I have to say something. Sandra thought that maybe I had mono. Right now, mono sounds like a dream."

Squeezing my shoulder encouragingly, she sat down on her rolling chair. "For anyone else I wouldn't answer this. For you Delilah, I'm going to give you some help. Tell them we didn't find anything wrong, and that I told you that a horrible flu has been going around, and that you must be coming to the end of it. That will give you some time to make your decision. In the meantime, you're going to want to load up on crackers, ginger ale and anything else you can get down. Your exhaustion will likely start to work itself out in the coming weeks, provided that you take care of yourself. I'm writing you a script for prenatal vitamins. Stop taking your birth control pill immediately and start taking the prenatal. It's the best thing you can do if you decide to keep your baby."

My baby...my baby... my baby. That's really the only thing that I could think.

After taking the script from her, we sat and discussed when the date of conception was. "That puts your due date right around the second week of March. If you decide to go forward, your OB/GYN will give you an exact date. Good luck, Delilah. Call me if you need anything."

I needed something now, preferably a time machine. I shook her hand and thanked her before she left the room, and then I spent a few minutes getting my s.h.i.+t together before heading out to the waiting room where Tally was waiting for me.

I was about to find out if I've got any acting talent at all. Here's hoping I do.

The entire family was beyond relieved when I told them that Dr. Reynolds said that I was fine, just suffering from a very bad case of the flu. Mama San laid down the law and told me that I wasn't to come into work for the rest of the week. "We need to get you back in fighting shape sweetie. Let this thing run its course."

Dante was even firmer than that. "You stay out until you feel you can come back. If that's a week or a month, I don't care. I just want you better, Delilah. I can't have my little girl sick."

I'd half-heartedly argued so that no one would get suspicious, but the truth is that I need the time off to think. After Tally had taken me to Dante's to get my stuff, she dropped me back at my house, unknowingly leaving me alone to obsess.

Pregnant is the absolute last thing I should be, but that doesn't change the fact that I am. Grabbing my laptop, I went and curled up in my bed with it so that I could research places in the area that I could have a termination.

Everything, literally everything, felt wrong about that decision, and I hated it more than I can say, but I just can't see another way out. If I have the baby, Spencer will hate me, and if I have a termination, I'll hate me. It's a lose-lose situation, but I think it would be easier for me to hate myself than to live with Spencer hating me, and hating our baby. If he ever looked at our child with hatred in his eyes, I'd want to die.

There is no limit to the agony that I feel. Right now, at this very moment, the baby I've always wanted to have with the man I'll always love, is growing inside of me. I'm going to have to push thoughts like that away, though. I can't allow myself to attach, to think of this as a real pregnancy.

It took reserves I didn't even know I possessed to pull myself together enough to call Planned Parenthood to make an appointment for a termination. The first available appointment was a week away, and I was beside myself that I was going to have to live with this secret for an entire week. I guess it won't be all that different than having to live with the secret of a termination for the rest of my life. After closing the laptop, I reclined on my bed and stared at the ceiling, wis.h.i.+ng that things could be different.

I felt that Spencer was at the door before he knocked. Every part of me wanted to hide, to scream and cry, and rail at fate for giving me something I wanted more than life itself but forcing me to give it up in order to maintain the one relations.h.i.+p I can't live without.

Forcing myself up from the bed, I made my way to the door and swung it open to greet Spencer.

He looked upset, and I knew that meant he'd been filled in on my "illness" and was feeling left out and confused. I turned and walked into my living room, curling up in the corner of the couch.

I expected him to call me out on keeping him out of the loop, but after settling in on the couch, he went further than that.

"Dammit Delilah, do you have any idea what it feels like to be told that the person you love the most is sick and has chosen not to tell you? Dominique told me there was a G.o.dd.a.m.n slumber party at Dante's this weekend, for two f.u.c.king days, so that everybody could watch you. Everyone but me! I should have been there, but instead, you instructed them not to tell me. For your entire life, when you've been sick, I've been the one you had to have there. Do you know what it does to me inside that you don't want me there anymore?"

Like every other decision I've made lately, this one was wrong. I can see the hurt all over his face, and I know that I've wounded him far deeper than I had antic.i.p.ated. It's sick and totally dysfunctional, but I really did did feel better now that he was here. Hopping up from my spot on the couch, I went and curled up in his lap, tucking my head under his chin. feel better now that he was here. Hopping up from my spot on the couch, I went and curled up in his lap, tucking my head under his chin.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't mean to hurt you. I thought it would be easier for you if I didn't burden you with this. I feel like it's time to set you free. You shouldn't feel responsible for me. I'm not your problem anymore."

I could literally feel his rejection of that statement as his body turned to steel beneath me. I expected him to snap at me, but instead there was silence for a minute, the only sound his pounding heart under my ear, and the sound of him swallowing.

After clearing his throat a few times, he spoke. "That's not what I want Delilah, and that will never never be what I want or what I need. I don't know how to be separated from you angel, and I don't want to be. You're never a burden, not ever. I don't just want to take care of you, I love it. You're my sun, Delilah. Please don't take that away." be what I want or what I need. I don't know how to be separated from you angel, and I don't want to be. You're never a burden, not ever. I don't just want to take care of you, I love it. You're my sun, Delilah. Please don't take that away."

I couldn't take anymore, so I just stayed in his lap and cried my eyes out. He didn't want to lose his suns.h.i.+ne, but I was going to have to get rid of mine in order to keep him happy. In that moment, I hated how badly our parents f.u.c.ked us up more than I ever had before.

He stayed for the next five days, force-feeding me soup and crackers, and waiting on me hand and foot. I couldn't get him to leave, and frankly, I didn't want to. I was happier with him in the house, and my stomach was settled, almost like the baby knew that daddy was there.

Every afternoon, someone from my family would come to eat lunch with us, and every night two or more of them would come over for dinner. For those five days, I lived out the dream of having Spencer pamper me while I carried our baby. Each night when we would lay down to go to sleep, we'd lie like spoons and his hand would rest on my stomach. I wished that my life could have been different, that he could know that his child was right under his hand.

Those five days were the both the most beautiful and the most agonizing I've ever known.

I got Spencer to leave on Sat.u.r.day afternoon by telling him and the rest of my family that I was heading to Palm Springs for a few days to visit one of my sorority sisters. I'd forced Spencer to let me go to work on Thursday and Friday so that I was able to put in for Monday and Tuesday off at work, claiming that I'd still be in Palm Springs.

Of course, I wasn't going to Palm Springs. I'd reserved a room at a hotel in the Valley near the clinic I'd be using to end my pregnancy. I've lined up a car service to take me there and pick me up. It's completely humiliating, but since there's no one I can tell, it's what I've got to do.

I was up all night, totally unable to sleep, so I made it to the clinic with time to spare. The first order of business was to fill out all of their required paperwork, and then they made me take another pregnancy test. "Procedure," the woman said.

They left me sitting in a waiting room for a few minutes, waiting for the nurse to come confirm the results. I knew better than to hope that the results would be anything other than what they were. "The test confirms that you're pregnant." The look that she gave me was detached and all business. Clearly she'd been through this many times.

She explained a few things to me about the procedure and then told me that the doctor would be in. It was the impersonal way that she told me what to expect that sent me over. What the h.e.l.l have I been thinking? Visions of a miniature Spencer took up residence in my head. I can't have him, but I can can have the child that we made together in love. There's absolutely no way that I can get rid of my baby... Spencer's baby... have the child that we made together in love. There's absolutely no way that I can get rid of my baby... Spencer's baby... our our baby. This baby is a part of the two of us, and I will love it with all of my heart. I already do. I support a woman's right to choose, but my choice is to have our baby. I can't destroy a part of the two of us. I know why he's afraid, but I can't hurt our child. baby. This baby is a part of the two of us, and I will love it with all of my heart. I already do. I support a woman's right to choose, but my choice is to have our baby. I can't destroy a part of the two of us. I know why he's afraid, but I can't hurt our child.

I was dressed about two minutes later, and after that I told the receptionist that I'd changed my mind. "We get a lot of that," she said. I don't think she even raised an eyebrow.

I got into the waiting town car and had the driver take me back to the hotel. After that, I got into my own car and headed to the nearest bookstore. I bought "What to Expect When You're Expecting", along with a few other pregnancy related books. My next stop was the pharmacy to get my prenatal vitamins. After a stop at the grocery store to pick up two cases of ginger ale and few boxes of saltines, I headed home. I found the business card of the OB/GYN that Dr. Reynolds had given me and then I called and made my very first pregnancy appointment. It was actually exciting.

Now I just need to work up the courage to tell Spencer that I'm pregnant. I dread doing it, because I know he's going to flip out and hate me forever, but termination is out of the question.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Spencer

The five days I got to spend at Delilah's are among the best days I've ever had. I saw so clearly what it would be like if we lived together, and I didn't just like it, I loved it. The best part of it all was that she loved having me there. She never said it, but I could tell. As the week went on she seemed to be getting her strength back, and she was eating more. The better she felt, the calmer I got.

Another thing that really meant a lot to me was that no one in the family questioned my staying there. As Dante said, "Of course she wants Spencer here. That makes sense." It did make sense, just like it always has. It also seemed to really calm Dante down, which in turn made Delilah feel better. She'd told me that Sabrina had shared the story about what happened when she got pneumonia, and I knew that it broke her heart to know why her brother was so over-protective. I held her while she quietly cried because she was devastated that her brother had been so scared back then. "I think about them hitting him, and I just... I'm so angry. It wasn't fair to him that they made him responsible for us. I feel so guilty. It wasn't fair to any of you."

Rocking her back and forth, I kissed her head. "Baby, your brother adores you. He took all their s.h.i.+t, all their beatings, without a word because to him, nothing mattered but the family he loved. Don't feel guilty that you gave him something to love. It wasn't fair to anyone that any of those four a.s.sholes became parents, but we made it in spite of them. I know that for me, having you, Dominique and your brothers saved my life."

For some reason, that made her cry harder. "This... our parents... that's why, isn't it? That's why you don't want children."

I'd never lied to her, and I wasn't going to start now. I had to be honest, owed it to her even. "Yes. This is why. I'd never want a child to have my DNA. It was bad at your house Delilah, but it was worse at mine. There were things... I don't talk about it because it hurts to even think about. Hank molested me when I was a child. He never made me touch him, didn't sodomize me, but he'd come into my room, pull off my clothes, and rub himself against me until he came. It was f.u.c.king h.e.l.l h.e.l.l Delilah, the worst thing you can imagine. I know I'd never touch a child the way Hank touched me, but I just know that I'd be a s.h.i.+tty father. I never learned how to parent. And I wouldn't want to take the chance that my child would have any of Hank's traits. I'm telling you this because it's the only thing I've ever hidden from you, and I'll never lie to you. I've never told anyone else baby, only you. I survived, but I can't discuss it. Please don't expect me to open up about it after this." Delilah, the worst thing you can imagine. I know I'd never touch a child the way Hank touched me, but I just know that I'd be a s.h.i.+tty father. I never learned how to parent. And I wouldn't want to take the chance that my child would have any of Hank's traits. I'm telling you this because it's the only thing I've ever hidden from you, and I'll never lie to you. I've never told anyone else baby, only you. I survived, but I can't discuss it. Please don't expect me to open up about it after this."

She hugged me to her tightly as she cried. "Thank you for telling me all of this. I'll honor your request, but you need to know that no child of yours would ever have ANY of Hank's character traits. Don't ever think that. I hate that he touched you, hate that he hurt you. I love you Spencer, love that you survived. Without you, my life wouldn't make any sense. I'm so sorry that you went through that. I hate thinking of him hurting you; hate knowing that you kept this inside. I don't even know what to say other than just letting you know how proud I am of the man that you are. You will always be my dream come true Spencer, no matter what."

I hugged her back, breathing her in. "What you've said is perfect. I'll never be okay with what he did, but you've always given me such love that I'm able to function. For years you were the only thing that tethered me to sanity, Delilah. When I wanted to freak out and hurt myself or be irresponsible, you were always there. Always pulling me forward, past what Hank had done. You aren't just the love of my life, you ARE my life. Because of you, I know that evil doesn't have to win. No matter what, you always always will be my angel, the light that saved me from the darkness." will be my angel, the light that saved me from the darkness."

She sobbed after I said that, holding onto me as she slowly got herself back under control, and we didn't discuss it again.

I wasn't thrilled when she announced that she was going to Palm Springs for a few days, but I knew I didn't have any choice in the matter. She swore she felt better, and I have to admit that she did seem to be stronger. I was a little surprised that she was leaving town just days before Dante and Sabrina's wedding, but Delilah swore that Sabrina was fine with her going.

"I'll be back on Wednesday," she said, "and besides, it's not the wedding she needs help with. It's the reception that they're having later for all of their friends and business a.s.sociates that she'll need me for. Seeing as how they haven't set the date for that yet, everything is fine."