Bardisms Part 3

We will...like a bated and retired flood,Leaving our rankness and irregular course,Stoop low within those bounds we have o'erlooked,And calmly run on in obedienceEven to our ocean.... Away, my friends! New flight, 5And happy newness that intends old right.-SALISBURY, King John King John, 5.4.5261 In other words: Like a flood that has abated and shrunk, we will give up our unruliness and misbehaving ways. We'll drop back below the banks we've overrun, and we'll flow calmly and respectfully toward the ocean. Let's get going, friends! A new journey begins! And it's a happy new journey, because it's aimed at time-tested better ways!

How to say it: The language in this speech nicely suggests through the metaphor of a roiling, flooding river, the inappropriateness and turbulence of the old behavior your New Year's resolution is meant to undo. It then characterizes the healthfulness of the new behavior toward which you aspire, with such phrases as The language in this speech nicely suggests through the metaphor of a roiling, flooding river, the inappropriateness and turbulence of the old behavior your New Year's resolution is meant to undo. It then characterizes the healthfulness of the new behavior toward which you aspire, with such phrases as stoop low stoop low and and calmly run calmly run and the words and the words obedience obedience and and happy happy. As you say the speech, give as much vocal color and expressiveness as you can to each side of the image. That is, make rankness rankness and and irregular course irregular course really paint a word picture of the terrible habits you're trying to reform, and put into really paint a word picture of the terrible habits you're trying to reform, and put into happy newness happy newness all the joy your reformation will bring. all the joy your reformation will bring. Note that the final two lines of the speech rhyme. They happen also to be the final lines of this scene. In his early plays, of which Note that the final two lines of the speech rhyme. They happen also to be the final lines of this scene. In his early plays, of which King John King John is one, Shakespeare does this a lot, ending many scenes with is one, Shakespeare does this a lot, ending many scenes with rhyming couplets rhyming couplets. He uses them as a signal to the audience that the scene is over, harnessing their special sound, in particular the sense of closure it conveys, to bring matters to a rousing finish. "The play's the thing / Wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" is one famous example; "Never was a story of more woe / Than this of Juliet and her Romeo" is another. Rhyming couplets have a special zing, an uncommon energy, and should be used to give the language punch and vitality. Ignore the ellipses, which mark material I've cut, in this case a few words specific to the state of the dynastic battles that drive the plot of Ignore the ellipses, which mark material I've cut, in this case a few words specific to the state of the dynastic battles that drive the plot of King John King John.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...Shakespeare's only mention of Valentine's Day is in a bawdy song sung by the mad Ophelia in Hamlet Hamlet, and it's not for a family-oriented book. Fortunately, another Shakespearean Valentine's Day tie-in has filled the breach. Back in the bad old days of the late 1990s, that time of stained blue dresses and disquisitions on what the meaning of the word is is is, independent counsel Kenneth Starr submitted to Congress his report on his investigations into President Clinton's alleged wrong-doings with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The nation learned to its surprise that Shakespeare was near the heart of the story. To mark Valentine's Day 1998, Monica placed a personal ad in the is, independent counsel Kenneth Starr submitted to Congress his report on his investigations into President Clinton's alleged wrong-doings with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The nation learned to its surprise that Shakespeare was near the heart of the story. To mark Valentine's Day 1998, Monica placed a personal ad in the Was.h.i.+ngton Post Was.h.i.+ngton Post. It read as follows: Handsome,With love's light wings did I o'er perch these walls:For stony limits cannot hold love out,And what love can do, that dares love attempt.Romeo and Juliet 2:2. 2:2.Happy Valentine's Day.M.

Monica had been transferred from her White House job to a post at the Pentagon, far from the Oval Office. She complained bitterly that her access to the president was being unfairly restricted, and she vowed that she'd find some way to see him, no matter what it took. The lines she placed in her Post Post ad are Romeo's pa.s.sionate protestation that whatever barriers the Capulet family might place in his way, he'd manage somehow to see his beloved Juliet. Perhaps today Monica recognizes in hindsight that this may not have been the best Bardism to choose-after all, ad are Romeo's pa.s.sionate protestation that whatever barriers the Capulet family might place in his way, he'd manage somehow to see his beloved Juliet. Perhaps today Monica recognizes in hindsight that this may not have been the best Bardism to choose-after all, Romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet doesn't exactly end well. But then again, neither did doesn't exactly end well. But then again, neither did The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of Clinton and Lewinsky The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy of Clinton and Lewinsky.

HALLOWEEN Shakespeare for the Occasion of Trick-or-Treaters at the Door: We talk with goblins, owls, and sprites.-DROMIO OF S SYRACUSE, The Comedy of Errors The Comedy of Errors, 2.2.190 THANKSGIVING We'll see some Shakespearean expressions of grat.i.tude in Chapter Five. Here, a Bardistic prayer of thanksgiving, suitable for offering after you've made it over the river and through the woods, but before you tuck into that nicely carved bird.

O Lord, that lends me life,Lend me a heart replete with thankfulness!For thou hast given me...A world of earthly blessings to my soul.-KING H HENRY, Henry VI, Part II Henry VI, Part II, 1.1.1922 Oh, and if, when that bird is carved, it looks like fiberboard, all desiccated and inedible, here's a Bardism that will allow you to scoot out gracefully and make your way to the neighborhood pizza joint: I cannot stay thanksgiving.-BEROWNE, Love's Labour's Lost Love's Labour's Lost, 2.1.192 CHRISTMAS The magic of Christmas is explained in beguiling terms near the beginning of Hamlet Hamlet. This lyrical vision of peace and universal serenity would soften the stony heart of Ebeneezer Scrooge himself.

Some say that ever 'gainst that season comesWherein our savior's birth is celebratedThe bird of dawning singeth all night long;And then, they say, no spirit can walk abroad,The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike, 5No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm,So hallowed and so gracious is the time.-MARCELLUS, Hamlet Hamlet, 1.1.13945 In other words: Some people say that every Christmastime, the morning c.o.c.k crows all night long. What's more, they say that at that time, no ghosts walk around. Nighttime is holy and safe. Negative cosmic forces hold no sway. Fairies don't bewitch, and witches lose their power to cast spells. That's how much that time of year is sanctified and blessed by G.o.d's grace.

How to use it: I once recommended this pa.s.sage to an artist friend who was seeking something unique for a Christmas card. She painted a gorgeous watercolor of a "hallowed and gracious" winter night that rendered Shakespeare's imagery in visual terms as enchanting as his verbal ones. There was a little rooster in the corner, crowing to the moon, across whose face Santa and his reindeer flew, like E.T. in his bicycle basket. By all means take a leaf from her book and, whether or not you create your own artistic a.n.a.logue of them, share with your friends and loved ones this splendid vision of why the end of December is always so sweet and blissful a time. I once recommended this pa.s.sage to an artist friend who was seeking something unique for a Christmas card. She painted a gorgeous watercolor of a "hallowed and gracious" winter night that rendered Shakespeare's imagery in visual terms as enchanting as his verbal ones. There was a little rooster in the corner, crowing to the moon, across whose face Santa and his reindeer flew, like E.T. in his bicycle basket. By all means take a leaf from her book and, whether or not you create your own artistic a.n.a.logue of them, share with your friends and loved ones this splendid vision of why the end of December is always so sweet and blissful a time.

Some details: Scholars report that no source has ever been found for the soldier Marcellus' a.s.sertion that c.o.c.ks crow all night at Christmas, and that there's not much evidence of Elizabethan lore supporting his view that Christmas Eve was a night off for witches, fairies, and evil spirits. No matter. The only evidence Marcellus requires is what he's seen with his own eyes. Just moments prior to this speech, the ghost of old King Hamlet "faded on the crowing of the c.o.c.k," that is, disappeared when a c.o.c.k crowed. That's enough to convince Marcellus that benevolent Yuletide energies must be at work. Even Horatio, the German-educated rationalist of the play, dials down his skepticism of the supernatural, conceding to Marcellus at the end of this speech, "So have I heard, and do in part believe it."

It's hard to make much headway with Shakespeare without embracing Horatio's concession. The supernatural is everywhere in the plays. Ghosts, fairies, otherworldly visions, mysterious sounds that emanate unexplained from belowground-the plays overflow with them. For all his precocious grasp of the pragmatic forces that drive human events, Shakespeare still lived in a pre-Enlightenment world in which superst.i.tion, folklore, and faith provided more answers than science, ideology, and reason. In my experience, this aspect of his works is the hardest for contemporary artists and audiences to grasp, because it requires a near-complete surrender of the modern world's armature of logic, rationality, and a.n.a.lysis. But in Shakespeare, the boundary between the real world and the spirit world is porous, and the impossible dwells cheek by jowl with the quotidian. If, like Horatio, an actor, director, or audience member can believe it-in part, even-then Shakespeare is a portal to a richer universe in which faith and reason coexist, and in which possibility is limited only by one's powers of language to describe it. Absent an imaginative leap that allows for meaning in the ineffable and substance in the incorporeal, Shakespeare is just melodrama with fancier words.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt of in your philosophy," says Hamlet to his still-doubting friend. That's Shakespeare speaking, directly to us.

BIRTHDAYS One of the very first times I raided my Complete Works of Shakespeare Complete Works of Shakespeare for the purposes of public speaking was in preparation to give a toast on the occasion of a theater colleague's fiftieth birthday, many years ago. (He wouldn't want his age revealed, so let's preserve his anonymity and call him "Bob.") I related my search process to the crowd a.s.sembled at Bob's surprise party, and I here reprint an excerpt of my remarks as an example of how to deploy Bardisms for a birthday: for the purposes of public speaking was in preparation to give a toast on the occasion of a theater colleague's fiftieth birthday, many years ago. (He wouldn't want his age revealed, so let's preserve his anonymity and call him "Bob.") I related my search process to the crowd a.s.sembled at Bob's surprise party, and I here reprint an excerpt of my remarks as an example of how to deploy Bardisms for a birthday: When Bob's wife asked me to make a toast today, I figured that since Bob and I both work in the cla.s.sical theater, some appropriate Shakespearean tribute would just pop right into my head.No such luck. Although Shakespeare is full of eloquent encomia to great men, almost all of them are made after the great man has died. Now, fifty may be getting up there, but we're not exactly about to call the undertaker. So I started digging around.The word birth birth appears about one hundred times in Shakespeare (102 to be exact). appears about one hundred times in Shakespeare (102 to be exact). Day Day, about oxtNoIndent> ne thousand. Birthday Birthday, though, shows up only twice (thrice if you count Pericles Pericles, but since Shakespeare didn't write all of that play, I'm going to overlook it). Here they are:Cleopatra says in Act 3 of her play, "It is my birthday."Ca.s.sius in Act 5 of Julius Caesar Julius Caesar says: "This is my birthday, as this very day / Was Ca.s.sius born." says: "This is my birthday, as this very day / Was Ca.s.sius born."Not much to write home about there. So I changed direction. Surprise Surprise shows up about thirty times. There's "We may surprise and take him at our pleasure" (that's Warwick in shows up about thirty times. There's "We may surprise and take him at our pleasure" (that's Warwick in Henry VI, Part III Henry VI, Part III) and "You'll be surprised. Muster your wits" (that's Boyet in Love's Labour's Lost Love's Labour's Lost). Had we gone to Italy to celebrate Bob's fiftieth, I could have used this: "I with a troop of Florentines will suddenly surprise him" (that's the second Lord Dumaine in All's Well That Ends Well All's Well That Ends Well; don't even ask what the first Lord Dumaine has to say).Striking out with birthday birthday and and surprise surprise, I turned to fifty fifty. Lots to choose from. Falstaff says this in Henry IV, Part I Henry IV, Part I: "As I think, his age some fifty, or by'r lady, inclining to three score." But I know Bob's having enough trouble with two and a half score, so I don't want to push him to three prematurely. Charmian in Antony and Cleopatra Antony and Cleopatra says, "Let me have a child at fifty," but with Bob's kids finally off to college, I'm not sure this one's so apt. says, "Let me have a child at fifty," but with Bob's kids finally off to college, I'm not sure this one's so apt.Finally, I decided to s.h.i.+ft gears, leave the plays behind, and turn to those poetical repositories of wit and wisdom, Shakespeare's sonnets. Here's the opening of number 104, and with it, I raise my gla.s.s to Bob, with love and warmest birthday wishes.To me, fair friend, you never can be old,For as you were when first your eye I eyed,Such seems your beauty still.-SONNET 104, 13 104, 13 Bob loved it. Everyone wants to know that their good looks remain intact as the years march forward, and despite the absence of any specific mention of birthdays-or, for that matter, surprises, or the birthday boy or girl's age-these three lines fit the bill. Use them with my blessing, and with Bob's, too.

CHAPTER 3

And Then the Lover

SHAKESPEARE FOR THE OCCASIONS OF L'AMOUR L'AMOUR And then the lover, Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad Made to his mistress' eyebrow.

The third of Jaques' Seven Ages of Man describes that momentous time when love first blooms, signaling the end of childhood and the imminent start of adult life. Jaques renders the previous two ages, infant and schoolboy, in images of near-photographic realism, and describes the subsequent four, virility through senility, in terms as pitying as they are precise. Only in Age Three, the Lover, does he allow himself-does Shakespeare allow him-a slightly different, somewhat more cavalier tone. Perhaps this is because apparently Jaques was once quite the Casanova: "Thou thyself hast been a libertine," Duke Senior tells him a few moments before Jaques launches into his famous seven-part speech. This revelation always comes as a surprise in the theater. We can well imagine the acerbic, contrarian, and dark-as-Turkish-coffee soul we see before us as a squalling infant, and his diffident and difficult personality suggests that his school days weren't exactly a lark. But a lover? It's an intriguing prospect, and it makes us wonder just who were the women (or men, or both) who once came under his spell, and from whom, if the duke is to be believed, Jaques contracted enough venereal diseases to leave him with plentiful "embossed sores and headed evils." In the third age of his own life, in other words, Jaques was no swooning swain, but was instead a syphilitic cicisbeo.

Given this squalid past, Jaques' flip fillip here is quite delicious. He depicts the typical lover not as a lothario like himself, but instead as an over-the-top hothouse flower issuing amatory sighs of Bessemer intensity. Pining away, the lover waxes poetical not about his beloved's winning personality, her heartwarming smile, or that magical week they once spent snorkeling in Cabo, but instead about those majestic twin arches of short hair that so beguilingly line the ridges on his inamorata's brow. It's quite mad.

With this outlandish construction, Jaques squeezes into sixteen short words an entire literary tradition of overcooked love poetry. He knows-Shakespeare knows-that something about love encourages poets to turn up the heat. After all, does anyone but a love poet really really wish, for instance, to die with Wendy on the street tonight in an everlasting kiss, or actually believe that, say, a full moon s.h.i.+ning bright strikes the retina in the shape of a big pizza pie? There's a craziness to such images, an excessiveness that neatly manages to capture and express the wild hormonal rush that is first love. The magnificent insanity of a love poem written about an eyebrow lends to the Third Age of Man a certain loony aspect and makes this affectionate, if nonetheless scornful, image the most captivating one in a speech chockablock with stunners. wish, for instance, to die with Wendy on the street tonight in an everlasting kiss, or actually believe that, say, a full moon s.h.i.+ning bright strikes the retina in the shape of a big pizza pie? There's a craziness to such images, an excessiveness that neatly manages to capture and express the wild hormonal rush that is first love. The magnificent insanity of a love poem written about an eyebrow lends to the Third Age of Man a certain loony aspect and makes this affectionate, if nonetheless scornful, image the most captivating one in a speech chockablock with stunners.

Consider how Shakespeare-how Jaques-puts the image together. First, note the extraordinarily melodic word music of its second line, and in particular its orotund vowels. The complaining long i i in in sighing sighing; the extended, all-consuming ur ur in in furnace furnace, the woebegone long o o in in woeful woeful, and the m.u.f.fed shriek of ballad ballad 's short 's short a-aahhhhyyyeee a-aahhhhyyyeee, ohhhhhhh ohhhhhhh, urrrrrrrrr urrrrrrrrr, aaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaa-together these keening notes make a tone poem of lovelorn agony with more minor-key modulations than a Schoenberg chorale. Next, note where the line ends: After ballad ballad but before but before made made, or, put another way, smack in the middle of the single idea ballad made ballad made. This, you will recall from "Seven Steps to s.h.i.+pshape Shakespeare," is called a run-on line ending, and it creates that important springboard to thought that gives to Shakespearean verse its special feeling of spontaneity and naturalism. The lover writes a ballad...to what? To his lover's beauty? To his own besotted bliss? To the exquisite mystery of love itself? No. Something much more unexpected. He writes a ballad... To his lover's beauty? To his own besotted bliss? To the exquisite mystery of love itself? No. Something much more unexpected. He writes a ballad...to what?...wait for it...okay, get this!...ready?... to his mistress' eyebrow! The line ending after to his mistress' eyebrow! The line ending after ballad ballad gives Jaques an opportunity to find this bizarre and deflating image, to coin it in the moment, to click on the Google in his brain and send it searching for the perfect, most arresting, most memorable image of the silly lengths to which love pushes us. gives Jaques an opportunity to find this bizarre and deflating image, to coin it in the moment, to click on the Google in his brain and send it searching for the perfect, most arresting, most memorable image of the silly lengths to which love pushes us.

Many of Shakespeare's observations on love share with Jaques the view that this emotion is one of extremes, and that it drives lovers to sighing, ballad singing, and other, even more outre behaviors. "We that are true lovers run into strange capers," says Touchstone, in the same play as Jaques. The detail in which Shakespeare particularizes these capers in all their lunatic strangeness is what makes his Bardisms on love some of his most poetically efficacious writing. Of course, the excerpts below, which look at love in so many of its manifestations and configurations, which unfold so broad a range of its joys and stings, represent only a tiny fraction of everything Shakespeare wrote on the subject. Still, they present a rather astonis.h.i.+ng demonstration of the powers of a poet who, like Jaques, can conjure the affect he describes even while he's busy describing it. Shakespeare on love, alongside perhaps only Shakespeare on death, is Shakespeare distilled to his very essence. It is Shakespeare expressing emotion at its purest, rendering life at its most recognizable, and composing language at its most fluent, telling, and revelatory.

SHAKESPEARE ON LOVE Love is a spirit all compact of fire.

-Venus and Adonis, 149 "It's made entirely out of fire," Venus says of love in Shakespeare's narrative poem Venus and Adonis Venus and Adonis, and she should know: she's the G.o.ddess of love, after all. It's an interesting choice of imagery. Love isn't made of sugar or fields of lavender or the colors of the rainbow, but of something hot and dangerous. Fire is a substance with definite ma.s.s and presence, yet it's neither solid nor liquid. It's something in between, something harder to define, ephemeral, impossible to contain. It also happens to be lighter than air. Venus says this line while describing herself as so love-struck by the gorgeous Adonis that she will, "Like a nymph, with long, disheveled hair, / Dance on the sands, and yet no footing seen." That is, she'll be magical, a dancer whose feet never touch the ground. There's an extravagance to this image, a sense of almost drunken abandon. That's why Venus says love is a spirit spirit made of fire: she means it's a spirit in the same way that whiskey or gin is one-it's a liquor that intoxicates. made of fire: she means it's a spirit in the same way that whiskey or gin is one-it's a liquor that intoxicates.

The notion that love is a mind-altering substance underpins Venus and Adonis Venus and Adonis. One of Shakespeare's two long narrative poems, it was his first work to reach print. The twelve-hundred-line poem is based on a story in Ovid's Metamorphoses Metamorphoses in which Venus decides to sleep with a mortal and chooses the preternaturally handsome Adonis as the best candidate. The majority of the poem relates the increasingly erotic things Venus says as she tries to bed the young man. Though never explicit, some of her more suggestive pa.s.sages are hot enough to make even Larry Flynt blush. (No doubt this accounted for the poem's runaway success in the b.u.t.toned-down 1590s.) The poem introduces some ideas Shakespeare will return to repeatedly in his ensuing two decades of writing. The misery of unrequited love is one. The imprecision of gender stereotypes is another (in this poem it's the woman who's the aggressor and the man who is the coy and demure object of desire). The intense s.e.xual attractiveness of beautiful young men is a third, and a fourth, related to the third, is the fluidity of human s.e.xuality and its resistance to categorization and restraint. in which Venus decides to sleep with a mortal and chooses the preternaturally handsome Adonis as the best candidate. The majority of the poem relates the increasingly erotic things Venus says as she tries to bed the young man. Though never explicit, some of her more suggestive pa.s.sages are hot enough to make even Larry Flynt blush. (No doubt this accounted for the poem's runaway success in the b.u.t.toned-down 1590s.) The poem introduces some ideas Shakespeare will return to repeatedly in his ensuing two decades of writing. The misery of unrequited love is one. The imprecision of gender stereotypes is another (in this poem it's the woman who's the aggressor and the man who is the coy and demure object of desire). The intense s.e.xual attractiveness of beautiful young men is a third, and a fourth, related to the third, is the fluidity of human s.e.xuality and its resistance to categorization and restraint.

But the most important contribution of Venus and Adonis Venus and Adonis to the rest of Shakespeare's output is the poem's conception of love itself. Like the burning spirit it's compact of, Shakespeare's love is impossible to pin down, ever-changing, and can veer in an instant from being a source of comfort to one of destruction. The love of Venus for Adonis is simultaneously comic and tragic, exalted and silly, pathetic and transcendent. It's fiery love, Shakespeare-style. to the rest of Shakespeare's output is the poem's conception of love itself. Like the burning spirit it's compact of, Shakespeare's love is impossible to pin down, ever-changing, and can veer in an instant from being a source of comfort to one of destruction. The love of Venus for Adonis is simultaneously comic and tragic, exalted and silly, pathetic and transcendent. It's fiery love, Shakespeare-style.

LOVE IS THE GREATEST THING EVER Venus may be the G.o.ddess of love, but not even the considerable expressive gifts she displays in her attempted seduction of Adonis can encapsulate in language everything that makes love so powerful a force in human affairs. For this, we must turn to another character from an early Shakespeare work: Berowne, the anti-romantic romantic hero of Love's Labour's Lost Love's Labour's Lost.

In the play's first scene, he, the young King Ferdinand of Navarre, and their friends Longaville and Dumaine sign a contract binding themselves to three years of cloistered, full-time study. The four swear to fast one day each week, to sleep only three hours per night, and to have no contact with girls. That last codicil turns out to be the deal breaker. No sooner has the ink on the ascetic contract dried than someone remembers that the beautiful princess of France and three of her ladies are about to arrive in town. So much for the library. The rest of the play is about the ways the young men wriggle out of their commitment to books and into the arms of the gals. By Act 4, everyone realizes they've broken their oaths, and Berowne offers an a.n.a.lysis of what it's all meant. He discourses on how wrong the friends were to forswear women in the first place, and how love itself, not books, is the best education a young man can get. Book knowledge, he argues, resides only in a person's head, But love, first learned in a lady's eyes,Lives not alone immured in the brain,But with the motion of all elementsCourses as swift as thought in every power,And gives to every power a double power 5Above their functions and their offices.It adds a precious seeing to the eye-A lover's eyes will gaze an eagle blind.A lover's ear will hear the lowest soundWhen the suspicious head of theft is stopped. 10Love's feeling is more soft and sensibleThan are the tender horns of c.o.c.kled snails.Love's tongue proves dainty Bacchus gross in taste.For valor, is not Love a Hercules,Still climbing trees in the Hesperides? 15Subtle as Sphinx, as sweet and musicalAs bright Apollo's lute strung with his hair;And when Love speaks, the voice of all the G.o.dsMake heaven drowsy with the harmony.Never durst poet touch a pen to write 20Until his ink were tempered with love's sighs;O, then his lines would ravish savage ears,And plant in tyrants mild humility.-BEROWNE, Love's Labour's Lost Love's Labour's Lost, 4.3.30123 In other words: Love, discovered by gazing into the eyes of a woman, is not sealed up tight in the brain. Instead, it moves like storms and wind, as quickly as thought itself, into every human faculty. In fact, it enhances the faculties, giving each one powers well beyond its normal functions.

Love makes the eyes see things in special ways. A lover's eyesight is so acute that an eagle, renowned for its excellent vision, would seem blind in comparison. A lover's ears can hear sounds quieter than even thieves can hear, and thieves must be capable of hearing the slightest noise. A lover's touch is more sensitive than the extremely sensitive horns of snails. Compared to love's, the famously discerning palate of Bacchus, G.o.d of wine, is clumsy.

When it comes to bravery, isn't love like Hercules, picking golden apples in the last of his twelve labors? Love's as intellectually sophisticated as the Sphinx, with her insoluble riddle. It's as lively as the lute of Apollo, G.o.d of music, which was strung with his own hair. And when love talks, the voices of the G.o.ds themselves join in, and together they sing a sweet lullaby to the heavens. No poet dares pick up a pen unless his ink is mixed with love's sighs. If it is, then his poetry will soothe wild beasts and infuse tyrants with gentleness and patience.

How to say it: This speech is great for any occasion on which love is the prime mover: an engagement party, a wedding, a landmark anniversary. It's especially useful in the case of a love that has triumphed against long odds or formidable obstacles. Also, I know of at least one instance when someone sent these lines to a lover to tell her that her love had made him a better person. All you need is a little intro in which you say that you're going to talk about the powerful force that brought everyone together today, or that changed your life: love. This speech is great for any occasion on which love is the prime mover: an engagement party, a wedding, a landmark anniversary. It's especially useful in the case of a love that has triumphed against long odds or formidable obstacles. Also, I know of at least one instance when someone sent these lines to a lover to tell her that her love had made him a better person. All you need is a little intro in which you say that you're going to talk about the powerful force that brought everyone together today, or that changed your life: love. Like any long speech, this one becomes a bit easier to handle once it's broken up into smaller chunks. Work through the speech in four short, self-contained sections, divided as follows: Like any long speech, this one becomes a bit easier to handle once it's broken up into smaller chunks. Work through the speech in four short, self-contained sections, divided as follows: Lines 1 through 6 set up the central conceit that love endows the human senses with special powers (and feel free to cut but but in line 1 so you can start with a forceful and direct declaration). in line 1 so you can start with a forceful and direct declaration).

Lines 7 through 13 discuss some of these senses and present examples of how love improves them. Think of them as a list: (a) lover's eye eye (precious seeing / gaze eagle blind); (b) lover's (precious seeing / gaze eagle blind); (b) lover's ear ear (softest sound / thief can't hear); (c) love's (softest sound / thief can't hear); (c) love's feeling feeling (more sensitive than a snail); (d) lover's (more sensitive than a snail); (d) lover's tongue tongue (more refined than Bacchus'). (more refined than Bacchus').

Lines 14 through 19 talk about love's effect on more abstract human qualities. Again, Berowne makes a list: (a) bravery (like Hercules and the Hesperides [p.r.o.nounced hess-PERR-i-deez hess-PERR-i-deez]); (b) sophistication (like the Sphinx); (c) musical ability (like Apollo's); (d) voice (G.o.ds join in / lull heavens to sleep).

Lines 20 through 24 explain love's importance to poetry and suggest its ability to becalm rage and turn evil to good.

Berowne uses some great verbs, and you should exploit their power. Here are some I think are most useful: Berowne uses some great verbs, and you should exploit their power. Here are some I think are most useful: Lives Lives; Courses Courses; gives gives; adds adds; gaze gaze; hear hear; proves proves; Make Make; touch touch; write write; ravish ravish; plant plant.*

SHAKESPEARE TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"

Hear my soul speak.

The very instant that I saw you did My heart fly to your service.

-FERDINAND, The Tempest The Tempest, 3.1.6365 I love you. Three little words that can move mountains. Shakespeare writes many versions of them, some in more than three words, and the mountains he moves are bigger than the whole wide world. Below is a selection of the Bard's vows of love. If you don't know the occasions on which they're best used, then I'm not going to tell you.

I LOVE YOU Here's the basic, no-frills Shakespeare on the Occasion of Saying the L-Word.

Excellent wretch! Perdition catch my soulBut I do love thee, and when I love thee not,Chaos is come again.-OTh.e.l.lO, Oth.e.l.lo Oth.e.l.lo, 3.3.9193 In other words: You superb little devil! I'll be d.a.m.ned, but I love you. And when I don't, it will be the end of the world.

Some details: Oth.e.l.lo clearly means wretch wretch affectionately, but decorous eighteenth- and nineteenth-century Shakespeare editors had trouble with the notion that Shakespeare would employ such a coa.r.s.e word as a term of endearment. Hence they theorized that it must have been an unfortunate misprint. "I make no question but that the poet wrote affectionately, but decorous eighteenth- and nineteenth-century Shakespeare editors had trouble with the notion that Shakespeare would employ such a coa.r.s.e word as a term of endearment. Hence they theorized that it must have been an unfortunate misprint. "I make no question but that the poet wrote wench wench," argued one expert, "which was not then used in that low and vulgar acceptation as at present." This is pure supposition, of course, and a later editor offered a commentary on wretch wretch that will more than suffice for anyone who would use these lines as a modern expression of love: "Such words of endearment are resorted to when those implying love, admiration, and delight seem inadequate." that will more than suffice for anyone who would use these lines as a modern expression of love: "Such words of endearment are resorted to when those implying love, admiration, and delight seem inadequate."

I REALLY LOVE YOU It's an understatement to say that the marriage of Oth.e.l.lo and Desdemona doesn't turn out well. But the spectacular violence in which it goes down in flames does nothing to erase the intense love that set it afire in the first place. Indeed, the depth of the pa.s.sion that prompted the marriage is precisely what makes its horrible denouement so tragic. Here's another of Oth.e.l.lo's oaths of love for his cherished wife.

If it were now to die'Twere now to be most happy, for I fearMy soul hath her content so absoluteThat not another comfort like to thisSucceeds in unknown fate.-OTh.e.l.lO, Oth.e.l.lo Oth.e.l.lo, 2.1.18689 In other words: If it were my fate to die at this very instant, it would be my good fortune. I'm afraid that I am so totally and completely joyous right now, that there's no way I could ever experience anything as positive again in the future.

How to use it: This is an "I love you" to be saved for one of those rare moments when everything in life lines up perfectly. It's for a breathtaking sunset on the beach, for an "I'm the king of the world" howl at the prow of an ocean liner, for some intimate pillow talk, for the dessert course at the Michelin three-star restaurant you visit on your honeymoon. This is an "I love you" to be saved for one of those rare moments when everything in life lines up perfectly. It's for a breathtaking sunset on the beach, for an "I'm the king of the world" howl at the prow of an ocean liner, for some intimate pillow talk, for the dessert course at the Michelin three-star restaurant you visit on your honeymoon. By the way, the soul is always female in Shakespeare, regardless of the gender of the body that contains it. By the way, the soul is always female in Shakespeare, regardless of the gender of the body that contains it.

I ADORE YOU, SO PLEASE LOVE ME IN RETURN Sometimes we want to say "I love you" to someone we're not sure loves us back. Or to someone we know for sure doesn't love us back. Or to someone we once saw across a crowded room, or on a bus, or wearing nothing but underwear on a billboard in Times Square, who would certainly love us back if only they could somehow meet us. On such an occasion, we can turn to this Bardism, one of Shakespeare's most poignant expressions of hopeless, selfless, stars-in-the-eyes-but-sighs-in-the-heart love.

So holy and so perfect is my love,And I in such a poverty of grace,That I shall think it a most plenteous cropTo glean the broken ears after the manThat the main harvest reaps. Loose now and then 5A scattered smile, and that I'll live upon.-SILVIUS, As You Like It As You Like It, 3.5.1005 In other words: My love is so sacred and so complete, and I am so lacking in your estimation, that I would consider it a b.u.mper crop to gather up the damaged ears of corn that the farmer leaves behind when he harvests the field. Just flash me an offhand smile once in a while, and that will give me everything I need.

LET'S FURTHER THINK ON THIS...The debonair composer and lyricist Cole Porter detailed the glories that can redound to a skilled Shakespeare quoter in one of the great songs from his musical Kiss Me Kate Kiss Me Kate, based on The Taming of the Shrew The Taming of the Shrew.

Brush up your Shakespeare,Start quoting him now,Brush up your ShakespeareAnd the women you will wow.Just declaim a few lines from Oth.e.l.la Oth.e.l.laAnd they'll think you're a h.e.l.luva fella,If your blonde won't respond when you flatter 'erTell her what Tony told Cleopaterer,...Brush up your Shakespeare,And they'll all kowtow.

The song goes on for six more verses, and as Porter cites increasingly obscure Shakespeare t.i.tles, his rhymes get more and more hilariously rococo. When should you quote The Merchant of Venice The Merchant of Venice? "When her sweet pound o' flesh you would menace." Troilus and Cressida Troilus and Cressida? For "the wife of the British embessida." And a true stroke of genius: what should you do "when your baby is pleading for pleasure"? Why, "let her sample your Measure for Measure Measure for Measure."

YOU'RE SO INCREDIBLE THAT ONLY POETRY CAN EXPRESS YOU One of the surpa.s.sing love poems in the English language, which begins with one of the most famous and widely recognized Shakespearean lines of all, serves as the quintessential profession of amorous devotion. Use it to woo your love, and as you do, tip your hat to a poet who knew his work would have staying power.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?Thou art more lovely and more temperate.Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,And summer's lease hath all too short a date.Sometime too hot the eye of heaven s.h.i.+nes, 5And often is his gold complexion dimmed,And every fair from fair sometime declines,By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed;But thy eternal summer shall not fadeNor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st, 10Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shadeWhen in eternal lines to time thou grow'st.So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.-SONNET 18 18 In other words: Should I write a line that says you're like a day in summer? It wouldn't really work. You're more beautiful than a summer day, and more even-tempered. The early part of summer is stormy, and anyway, summer's over as soon as it begins. What's more, some summer days are oppressively hot, and others are overcast and gloomy. In fact, every lovely thing loses its loveliness sooner or later, through some accident, or because it's nature's way to make things plainer and plainer as they age.

But you're different. The summertime of your life will last forever, and you'll never lose your loveliness. Not even Death will be able to boast of conquering you-because my imperishable poetry will make you one with time itself, and you'll go on as long as time does. So long as there are human beings, so long as there are eyes that can see letters on paper-that's how long this poem will live. And this poem will give everlasting life to you.

How to say it: This sonnet requires a good, strong launch. Be sure you make the question in its first line as real as possible, so that you can spend the next five lines working through the answer to your satisfaction. Imagine yourself a poet, in the middle of composing a poem to your lover. You're about to write something like "You're as beautiful as a perfect day in July." Before setting pen to paper, you ask yourself if that's such a good idea. This sonnet requires a good, strong launch. Be sure you make the question in its first line as real as possible, so that you can spend the next five lines working through the answer to your satisfaction. Imagine yourself a poet, in the middle of composing a poem to your lover. You're about to write something like "You're as beautiful as a perfect day in July." Before setting pen to paper, you ask yourself if that's such a good idea. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? The force of the question makes you really think it through, and you talk your answer out, point by point. The force of the question makes you really think it through, and you talk your answer out, point by point. Well, you're prettier than summer. You're more temperate. Summer has storms, it's too hot, sometimes it's cloudy. Well, you're prettier than summer. You're more temperate. Summer has storms, it's too hot, sometimes it's cloudy. Before you know it, you're on line 6, simply by making yourself reason out a real answer to a real question. Before you know it, you're on line 6, simply by making yourself reason out a real answer to a real question. Note how the sonnet's argument changes direction with that ever-powerful word Note how the sonnet's argument changes direction with that ever-powerful word But But at the beginning of line 9. The answer to your initial question led you to acknowledge that not just summer but all things lose their beauty over time. Now at the beginning of line 9. The answer to your initial question led you to acknowledge that not just summer but all things lose their beauty over time. Now but but contradicts that a.s.sertion by proposing the one thing whose gorgeousness never fades: your lover. The rest of the poem spells out precisely how he or she pulls off that time-defying trick: by being immortalized in your poetry. By line 14, the answer to contradicts that a.s.sertion by proposing the one thing whose gorgeousness never fades: your lover. The rest of the poem spells out precisely how he or she pulls off that time-defying trick: by being immortalized in your poetry. By line 14, the answer to Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? turns out to be "No, but I'll find a way to write a poem about you anyway." Ask a question, then answer it, and follow that answer in whatever direction it naturally evolves. That's about as good an approach to Shakespeare as any. turns out to be "No, but I'll find a way to write a poem about you anyway." Ask a question, then answer it, and follow that answer in whatever direction it naturally evolves. That's about as good an approach to Shakespeare as any. The verbs do yeoman's service in this sonnet. They are: The verbs do yeoman's service in this sonnet. They are: compare, shake, s.h.i.+nes, dimmed, declines, fade, ow'st, brag, wander'st, grow'st, breathe, see, lives compare, shake, s.h.i.+nes, dimmed, declines, fade, ow'st, brag, wander'st, grow'st, breathe, see, lives. Ow'st Ow'st at the end of line 10 is the present-tense declension of "owe," which in Shakespeare's period was synonymous with "own." ( at the end of line 10 is the present-tense declension of "owe," which in Shakespeare's period was synonymous with "own." (That fair thou ow'st means means the beauty you possess the beauty you possess.) In almost every Shakespeare play I've directed, I've simply subst.i.tuted own own for for owe owe in order to make the sense clear to a modern audience. Doing that here is far trickier, alas, because of the rhyme between in order to make the sense clear to a modern audience. Doing that here is far trickier, alas, because of the rhyme between ow'st ow'st and and grow'st grow'st. (To time thou groan'st. Yikes!) This is a case where we have to live with an archaic word and rely on the clarity and specificity of our thinking to make its sense emerge. Perhaps the most important word in the entire poem is Perhaps the most important word in the entire poem is this this, which appears twice in its final line. It's clear from the context that both occurrences of the word refer to this poem, or this collection of poems, or poetry in general. In order for the reference to be clear, you'll need to point to-physically, with a gesture-the paper or book you're reading from as you really hit each this this. That won't be hard: you already know to take every word in this line slowly and with strong emphasis because it's entirely monosyllabic. For this reason, both this this's are already nice and juicy, so all you need is to give them just a little extra edge in order to ensure they land.

Some details: Shakespeare's plays will forever enshrine him in the pantheon of world literary giants, but they're not the only distinguished collection of verse he wrote. His series of 154 fourteen-line sonnets, of which the Bardism here is number eighteen, is also astonis.h.i.+ngly great. Written over many years beginning in the early 1590s, the sonnets weren't published until 1609, although versions of Sonnets 138 and 144 first appeared in a volume called The Pa.s.sionate Pilgrim The Pa.s.sionate Pilgrim ten years earlier. ten years earlier.

The circ.u.mstances surrounding the composition and publication of the sonnets are mysterious. Many scholars believe that Shakespeare never intended the poems to be published at all, because surviving evidence suggests they had been circulated privately to a small group of friends and insiders comprising mostly prominent London literati and connected n.o.blemen. One of these readers might have slipped a ma.n.u.script to a publisher without Shakespeare's authorization. This theory is b.u.t.tressed by the fact that the author's name is given an unusual hyphenated spelling-"Shake-Speare"-on the t.i.tle page of the 1609 text and throughout the volume. Had Will himself been involved in the publication, his name surely would have been spelled correctly.

Another mystery is the dedication that precedes the poems. It's signed not by Shakespeare but by "T.T."-the initials of the volume's publisher, Thomas Thorpe-and it labels "Mr. W.H." as "the onlie begetter" (literally, sole parent; i.e., inspiration) of the poems. To this day, no one knows who this W.H. was. Literary sleuths adduce all sorts of evidence in support of various candidates (even such luminaries as Oscar Wilde and the philosopher Bertrand Russell turned their considerable minds to the question). Here are a handful of the theories, in increasing order of outlandishness: W.H. is any of a number of well-known aristocratic patrons of the arts who supported Shakespeare's early career, including William Herbert, Earl of Pembroke (to whom the First Folio was dedicated), or Henry Wriothesley, Earl of Southampton (Shakespeare's patron and the dedicatee of both W.H. is any of a number of well-known aristocratic patrons of the arts who supported Shakespeare's early career, including William Herbert, Earl of Pembroke (to whom the First Folio was dedicated), or Henry Wriothesley, Earl of Southampton (Shakespeare's patron and the dedicatee of both Venus and Adonis Venus and Adonis and and The Rape of Lucrece The Rape of Lucrece), whose initials are here reversed to help preserve his anonymity-and yes, there are some fascinating theories as to why he'd want to be anonymous now when he didn't care before, and these sound like cloak-and-dagger stuff worthy of a Jacobean John Le Carre. W.H. is some other individual in Shakespeare's life: his nephew, the actor William Hart; his friend the playwright William Haughton; the eminent publisher William Hall; or the young socialite William Hughes. W.H. is some other individual in Shakespeare's life: his nephew, the actor William Hart; his friend the playwright William Haughton; the eminent publisher William Hall; or the young socialite William Hughes."W.H." is an unfortunate misprint for either "W.S." or "W. Sh.": William Shakespeare. Or "W.H." is short for "William Himself": again, Shakespeare. (Those who argue this theory perform some circus-caliber contortions as they attempt to explain why Shakespeare would dedicate a book of his poetry to himself.) "W.H." means "Who He," a formulation commonly used at the time by authors who wished to hide their ident.i.ties. If this theory is correct, then Thomas Thorpe (and/or Shakespeare) was obfuscating on purpose, encouraging a public guessing game about "W.H." in order to confer on the sonnets a certain frisson of notoriety or even scandal, and, as a result, to increase book sales. What I love about this argument is that while it's a 10 on the ludicrous scale, it's also the only theory of "W.H." that's supported by what's actually happened over the course of four hundred years-an endless and complicated cat-and-mouse pursuit of the elusive W.H. "W.H." means "Who He," a formulation commonly used at the time by authors who wished to hide their ident.i.ties. If this theory is correct, then Thomas Thorpe (and/or Shakespeare) was obfuscating on purpose, encouraging a public guessing game about "W.H." in order to confer on the sonnets a certain frisson of notoriety or even scandal, and, as a result, to increase book sales. What I love about this argument is that while it's a 10 on the ludicrous scale, it's also the only theory of "W.H." that's supported by what's actually happened over the course of four hundred years-an endless and complicated cat-and-mouse pursuit of the elusive W.H.

Despite the rampant silliness of some of the speculation, the true ident.i.ty of W.H. is not without consequence. This is because the 154 sonnets, read in sequence, tell a very personal story, and W.H., as its "onlie begetter," may well have been a leading character in the tale. Most of the poems are addressed by their author to a handsome young man (referred to by scholars as the "Fair Youth"). The first seventeen sonnets compliment the Fair Youth on his uncommon beauty and urge him to preserve and perpetuate it in the form of a child who will resemble him. Sonnet 18 suddenly reveals that the poet not only admires the Fair Youth but also has romantic feelings for him, and the next 108 sonnets chronicle a turbulent relations.h.i.+p between the two men. Frequently this relations.h.i.+p is described in the language of erotic love; indeed, by sonnet 126, the poet has been so hurt by unrequited pa.s.sion for the Fair Youth that he rejects him and has an affair instead with a woman known as the "Dark Lady." But this affair turns painful when the poet discovers that the Dark Lady is also in love with the Fair Youth and may even have had an affair with him herself! As if all this weren't byzantine enough, a "Rival Poet" enters the picture and ratchets up the complications by vying for the Fair Youth's attention with love poems of his own.

The poet who narrates this melodramatic love story is a middle-aged man confused by the power of his s.e.xual urges, and frustrated and heartbroken over a das.h.i.+ng young man with ice in his veins. By turns jealous, vengeful, desperate, apologetic, abashed, gracious, and finally philosophical and resigned, the poet experiences and describes the whole wide gamut of human emotion. Many of the sonnets seem to revel in the resemblances between this poet and Shakespeare himself, such as number 135, which puns incessantly on the word will will and all but announces that Will Shakespeare is not only the author of the verses but also their star. Therefore, if W.H. was indeed an actual person, and if he was in fact the Fair Youth of the Sonnets, and if the Dark Lady and the Rival Poet were also real figures from the Elizabethan world, then these 154 sonnets reveal an enormous amount about Shakespeare's personality, emotional and psychological wiring, and private life. and all but announces that Will Shakespeare is not only the author of the verses but also their star. Therefore, if W.H. was indeed an actual person, and if he was in fact the Fair Youth of the Sonnets, and if the Dark Lady and the Rival Poet were also real figures from the Elizabethan world, then these 154 sonnets reveal an enormous amount about Shakespeare's personality, emotional and psychological wiring, and private life.

But whether or not we choose to read these 154 poems as a kind of Shakespearean crypto-autobiography, we cannot deny their scope, beauty, and power. Even as they chronicle the vexed romantic interactions of four Elizabethans, the sonnets address countless broader themes: the corrosive powers of time; the enduring beauty of poetry; the disappointments and dissatisfactions of day-to-day existence; the paradoxical ability of s.e.xual pa.s.sion to generate new life even as it often leaves dejection and humiliation in its wake. The sonnets may well be a glimpse into the heart, mind, and soul of one the greatest geniuses in human history, but they are also one of the most sublime collections of verse ever composed.

SHAKESPEARE ON LOVEMAKING Kiss me, Doll.

-FALSTAFF, Henry IV, Part II Henry IV, Part II, 2.4.236 In my life as a Shakespeare teacher, I now and then work with high-school-age students. I've learned to look forward to a moment that usually comes while I'm talking about one of the Kate-Petruchio scenes in The Taming of the Shrew The Taming of the Shrew, or one of the Olivia-Sebastian scenes in Twelfth Night Twelfth Night, or one of the Rosalind-Orlando scenes in As You Like It As You Like It. Maybe it will be when we get to Petruchio's line about putting his tongue in Kate's tail. Maybe it will be when Rosalind threatens Orlando to be careful about marrying her, because she plans to be the kind of wife who dallies with the pool boy. Maybe it will be when Olivia sees her lover boy's identical twin and, imagining double her fun, exclaims, "O wonderful!" At one of these points, or at any of a million others, I see a light snap on in my students' eyes. "Hey!" it says, in lurid red neon. "This is Shakespeare. And it's got s.e.x! s.e.x!"

"It sure does," I tell them. "And why not? Shakespeare writes about every other aspect of the human experience. Why would he skip this one that's so very, very central to it?"

It disappoints me that the average high schooler doesn't know how much s.e.x there is in Shakespeare-they'd read a lot more of him if they knew-but it doesn't surprise me. The American curriculum typically introduces Shakespeare with plays that seem to me rather bizarre choices for teenagers. Macbeth Macbeth is one, that wholesome study of unhinged ambition, marital perfidy, and violence more brutal than that found in the latest release of Grand Theft Auto. is one, that wholesome study of unhinged ambition, marital perfidy, and violence more brutal than that found in the latest release of Grand Theft Auto. Julius Caesar Julius Caesar is another, that all-singing, all-dancing journey into political a.s.sa.s.sination, betrayed friends.h.i.+ps, and-a favorite of teenage girls everywhere-self-mutilation as an attention-getting ploy. Even is another, that all-singing, all-dancing journey into political a.s.sa.s.sination, betrayed friends.h.i.+ps, and-a favorite of teenage girls everywhere-self-mutilation as an attention-getting ploy. Even Romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare's hottest play, when taught to kids somehow lurches toward the morality tale and becomes a finger-wagging lecture on the perils of connubial precociousness.

That young people meet a Shakespeare bleached of his throbbing, sweaty, erotic urges is one of the lasting legacies of our English forebears still at the center of American culture: the mutually reinforcing prudishness of Victorian shame and old-school Puritanism. Shakespeare would've burst a blood vessel if he'd known, because animus toward all such restrictive, pleasure-canceling ideologies was one of the driving forces of his dramaturgy.

I say, if we're to presume ourselves worthy of working on this great writer's plays, the least we can do is honor his memory by resuscitating the h.o.r.n.y heart that pounds them hormonally to life. Let's put the s.h.a.gging back in Shakespeare! Let's give some Cialis to Cymbeline Cymbeline! Time to cop a feel off sweet Ophelia! Time to coriol-spank a little Coriola.n.u.s Coriola.n.u.s!

To kick things off, then, here's Shakespeare on the Occasion of the Dirty Deed.

MAY I SMOOCH YOU?

We'll start slowly, with gentlemanly refinement.

May I, sweet lady, beg a kiss of you?-ULYSSES, Troilus and Cressida Troilus and Cressida, 4.5.48 How to say it: You sweet ladies should feel free to swap in You sweet ladies should feel free to swap in sirrah sirrah for for lady lady-and you sweet boys, too, if you're so inclined!

KISS ME NOW, NOT LATER "I'll take care of it tomorrow" might work in other areas of your life, but when it comes to your heart, procrastination is obliteration, and when it comes to kissing, a lip-lock lost never returns. In Twelfth Night Twelfth Night, the clown Feste (FESS-tee) sings a song that instructs us to open the door when love rings the bell.

What is love? 'Tis not hereafter,Present mirth hath present laughter.What's to come is still unsure.In delay there lies no plenty,Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty.Youth's a stuff will not endure.-FESTE, Twelfth Night Twelfth Night, 2.3.4348 In other words: What about love? It's not later on. Laughter comes the moment something's amusing. The future is always uncertain. There's no profit in waiting around, so come and kiss me, my twenty-times sweet one. We won't stay young forever.

How to use it: We'll hear Shakespeare tell us "there's no time like the present" in Chapter Four. This lyric says something along those lines, but in the specific context of love. As such, wheel it out for a friend who can't decide whether or not to approach the guy she has a crush on, or say it to yourself when you're wondering if you should flash your devilish smile at that cute guy you see on the subway platform each morning. We'll hear Shakespeare tell us "there's no time like the present" in Chapter Four. This lyric says something along those lines, but in the specific context of love. As such, wheel it out for a friend who can't decide whether or not to approach the guy she has a crush on, or say it to yourself when you're wondering if you should flash your devilish smile at that cute guy you see on the subway platform each morning. The rhyme scheme will point you to the operative words here. Simply say the last word in each line, and you'll understand exactly what Feste is trying to communicate: The rhyme scheme will point you to the operative words here. Simply say the last word in each line, and you'll understand exactly what Feste is trying to communicate: hereafter hereafter, laughter laughter, unsure unsure, plenty plenty, twenty twenty, endure endure.

Some details: These lines are the second verse of a ditty called "O Mistress Mine," one of the best known of Shakespeare's songs. The first verse: O mistress mine, where are you roaming?O stay and hear, your true love's coming,That can sing both high and low.Trip no further, pretty sweeting.Journeys end in lovers meeting,Every wise man's son doth know.

In other words: "Hey, girlfriend, where are you going? Stay and listen: your lover's coming, and he's got a great voice. Don't take another step, cutie-pie. Everybody knows that voyages end in lovers getting together." Like the second verse above, this one admonishes us to seize love when it comes, not to run away from it or come up with some excuse as to why we can't wait around.

The music for this song survives from Shakespeare's day. It's a lovely English madrigal, and if you're interested in hearing it (or, for that matter, singing it at the next wedding you attend), it's been recorded by a number of famous cla.s.sical singers, male and female, over the years. Many eminent composers have also turned their hands to this lyric and written memorable tunes, either for specific productions of the play or just for the sake of it. The great singer Cleo Laine has a gorgeous jazz cover (on her early 1960s alb.u.m Shakespeare and All That Jazz Shakespeare and All That Jazz-a minor cla.s.sic), but my current favorites are a dark rendition by rocker extraordinaire Elvis Costello and a ravis.h.i.+ng, guaranteed tearjerker by the cult performer/singer/ violinist Emilie Autumn. They demonstrate the magic that can happen when a brilliant contemporary artist turns to the past for inspiration and creates something that fuses old and new, yesterday and today.

SOMETIMES KINKY IS GOOD Earlier I said that Romeo and Juliet Romeo and Juliet is Shakespeare's hottest play. The statement merits clarification. It's his hottest play about teenagers. For love between grown-ups, nothing-and I mean no work in world dramatic literature-beats is Shakespeare's hottest play. The statement merits clarification. It's his hottest play about teenagers. For love between grown-ups, nothing-and I mean no work in world dramatic literature-beats Antony and Cleopatra Antony and Cleopatra. That's a bold claim, I know. But this is a play which opens with a speech about the heat generated by "a gypsy's l.u.s.t" and goes on to include drunken orgies, lots of groping, some quite exotic descriptions of the female anatomy, and even eunuchs who fantasize about what s.e.x might be like if only they had the equipment to experience it. There's also a tiny detour into...er...shall we say, the rougher side of town...when Cleopatra mentions, A lover's pinch, / Which hurts, and is desired.-CLEOPATRA, Antony and Cleopatra Antony and Cleopatra, 5.2.28687 DOING IT My high school students who delight in the discovery that Shakespeare is a mirror of their randy, gametically supercharged selves also thrill to find that he, like them, loves to talk about s.e.x in the most inventively euphemistic terms. Whole books have been written on the subject of eroticism in the plays, so I'll offer only these few Bardisms, Shakespeare for the Occasion of Getting It On.

First, the Bardism that Don Juan would have pledged, had Shakespeare written him: I dedicate myself to your sweet pleasure.-GIACOMO, Cymbeline Cymbeline, 1.6.137 Next, the Bardism the Marquis de Sade would have spoken, in Shakespearean language: Fit thy consent to my sharp appet.i.te.-ANGELO, Measure for Measure Measure for Measure, 2.4.161 Finally, what both Don Juan and the Marquis de Sade got busy doing, had Shakespeare written their stories: Making the beast with two backs.-IAGO, Oth.e.l.lo Oth.e.l.lo, 1.1.118 In other words: This is a family-friendly book, so I'll skip this part.