Jaguar Addams - Learning Fear Part 2

aDr. Addams,a he said, athatas exactly what Iam here to ask you. Iam Professor Davis. Ethan. Dean of cultural studies.a He bowed slightly at the waist and offered his hand, which she took. It was firm, and very cool. aGood to meet you,a she said.

aAre you settled in your rooms, and are they adequate? Itas an old building, but it has a certain charm, and the advantage of being right on campus.a aMy rooms are fine,a she said. aThank you for checking,a she added, remembering her manners.

aOh, itas nothing. We feel privileged to have you here. Your thesis on ritual s.p.a.ce in the Mertec tradition wasa"well, seminal.a Jaguar found her face moving into a wry grin. aIam not sure thatas the word Iad use,a she said, asince it concerned womenas chant ceremonies.a He blinked his wide gray eyes at her, frowned slightly, then turned up one side of his mouth. aAh,a he said. aI see. How very male of me. Perhaps I should say your dissertation was ovulatory?a The grin grew. aDonat bother. There isnat a word in your language to cover it.a He sighed, and held his hands palm up in a gesture of resignation. aIf I canat get it right, I might as well make it worse.a Jaguar startled at hearing her own expression spoken from a manas mouth. aPardon me?a she asked.

aYour dissertation was very female. Brilliant and cryptic and mysterious as the moon.a aOh. Thank you, I think. Except I canat remember being cryptic anywhere.a aPage 78,a he said, athe second paragraph. aThe practice of chant-shaping is too powerful to be contained within a worldview that limits itself to intellectual pursuits. It needs, by nature of its being, a circle of strength that allows for the physical manifestation of energy within the dynamic system of the spiritual world.a You go on from there to quote Paula Gunn Allen on the concept of the World of Power, and Lale Davidson on the importance of hiddenness in magic. Am I correct?a aYou have a good memory, Dean,a she said aMy memory is photographic, Dr. Addams. A gift. Like chant-shaping capacities. Iad like to find out what evening youare available for dinner so I can get you acquainted with the other members of the department.a She studied his face. Definitely an alpha male, showing off just a little. Alpha males always forgot that cats recognized no hierarchical structure. But he was certainly handsome. Dark hair and eyes that seemed gray in this light, though they might change under the influence of sky or woods. His face was narrow and alight with the curiosity that signaled intelligence, and his broad shoulders tapered to a narrow waist, indicating someone who took good care of his appearance. He wore no gold band, which could mean nothing, but she would lay bets on him being single. Determinedly single. She had not missed the way his eyes strolled her body with the ease of someone who had experience in a.s.sessing the female form.

aIave got an intro cla.s.s Tuesday and Thursday evenings, but the rest of my nights are free,a she said.

aThen Iall see what I can arrange for later next week.

Perhaps Friday? I know a marvelous Indian restaurant, if you like that sort of food.a aYes,a she said, aas long as you donat make any bad puns about currying favor.a aI wouldnat dream of it,a he said. aAnd in the meantime do you have any procedural questions? Need to know where anything is? I can show you all the important places on campusa"where to get the worst coffee, where students go to smoke pot.a aDo they still do that? I thought they only did cyberdrugs these days.a aMy understanding is that pot is so cheap now, they actually prefer it. Especially since the cyber police are cracking down.a aIs it a problem on this campus?a aNot too bad. Every semester we get our share of students snared by the Web, but itas gotten to be old hat with them. Theyare all off looking for whatever the next thrill might be. Itas not that different from the problems we have with students drinking, or whatever else they choose to lose their minds with. If you want the low-down on it, you can check our Web site.a He grinned at her. aIronic, isnat it? But I donat mean to keep you here chatting the day away. Let me be helpful or get out of your way.a aWell,aa"Jaguar placed a hand on the control board of her computer and called up her University memos, scanned them brieflya"ait seems I have to go to the registraras office and pick up my RKN numbers. Do you have any idea what that means?a aThatas for your undergraduate students who havenat registered, but want to get into your cla.s.s anyway. Iam headed toward the registraras myself, so I can guide you if youare free.a Jaguar said she was, and picked up her coat, which he held for her while she put it on. Courteous, she thought. Old world. Alpha male, but interesting.

They chatted easily about the architecture of the building and its history as they walked down halls that were plastered with posters announcing conferences, lectures, fraternity rushes. They took the stairs to the lowest level of the building, and Ethan led her down another hall that looked exactly like all the others except for the graffiti, which she supposed was how students knew where they were. He stopped at a black metal door labeled in large print: tunnels locked at 10 pm.

He turned to her.

aIam taking you through the tunnels, Dr. Addams. I hope youare not claustrophobic.a She shook her head. aNot at all. Buta"a aItas quite safe. Just a shortcut. Youall find it useful in the winter.a He opened the door and waved her ahead. She stepped over the doorsill and looked around.

Great twisting water pipes and heat ducts snaked along gray walls, and the cement walk rolled ahead of them, curving downhill and back up toward an unseen corridor, creating the illusion of infinity. Recycling Dumpsters, piles of broken desks, laboratory animal cages in various states of disrepair, and drums of enigmatic liquids lined the way ahead.

A group of students in shorts and T-s.h.i.+rts jogged by. The white of their s.h.i.+rts absorbed the green-toned lighting, casting a slight phosph.o.r.escence around them. A young man slinging a backpack ignored the aNo Rollerbladinga signs and whizzed past, the sound of his wheels echoing off the walls.

Ethan, watching her, laughed.

aSurreal,a he said, abut convenient. And once you understand that itas just a circular path under the buildings, with cross paths between, very easy to find your way around. Of course, it was meant for maintenance, not students or faculty, but the students figured it out right awaya"experts at the easy path that they are. Hereaa"he pointed toward a black door, ais actually a way to get from campus to your own building without emerging topside. Unfortunately, itas locked.a He gestured ahead of them, toward the upslope of the path, and spoke sotto voce. aItas said that the on-campus faculty houses all have access from their bas.e.m.e.nts, so they can rendevous with each other at night.a Jaguar arched an eyebrow at him. aRomantic liaisons?a aNonsense. They roam the tunnels arguing about Nietszche.a She smiled. aAnd the ghostsa"of course, there are ghosts.a aThe souls of students who never managed to graduate. They linger here and torture first-years.a aWhat about faculty who didnat receive tenure?a she asked.

aNaturally. And part-time faculty, starved to death. But if youare afraid, you can take my arm.a Jaguar grinned. aI have ways of dealing with ghosts,a she said, but she hooked her hand in the crook of his elbow, which he held out to her.

aCareful,a he said. aTalk like mat, and people will think youare some kind of empath.a Her arm jerked involuntarily, and she subdued it. Settle down, she told herself. Heas teasing you. He turned to her and tilted his head. She kept her face smooth and smiling.

aYou were warned of our campus ruckus, werenat you?a he asked. aTry not to worry about it. These fires have a way of drying up and blowing away if we donat pour gasoline on them. Though right now I wouldnat mind being an empath, if it would tell me what youare thinking. You have a way of keeping your face very neutrala"or is it forward of me to notice that?a aProbably,a she said. aBut forward is one of my favorite directions. I never was any good in reverse.a Dean Davis laughed, and gestured ahead. aThen letas proceed,a he said.

Planetoid Three, Toronto Replica Alex cast his line out once. Twice. Three times. The lake was silver, streaked with the bleeding colors of the setting sun. He heard the slap of a hand on skin.

aWhaddaya wanna do this for, Alex?a a voice asked. aJesusa"thereas bugs everywhere. Youad think that if we made our own Planetoid, we could make it without bugs.a He turned and saw Paul Dinardo standing unsteadily in good shoes on wet sand, his hand moving frantically to ward off a whirling circle of blackflies.

aTheyare part of the ecosystem, Paul. You want real life, you gotta have bugs,a Alex said, turning back to his line. aThough a few more lake trout might balance them out nicely.a aYeah,a Paul said, aBut whatad get rid of all this sand?a Alex laughed. aSeven maids with seven mops?a aHuh?a aNever mind. What brings you here, Paul?a aActually, I went to your office, and they said you took the week off. Said you planned on taking a couple more. To go fis.h.i.+ng.a Alex drew his arm back and let the line in, then flung it far out into the lake. aNot fis.h.i.+ng, Paul. Just practicing my cast.a Paul dug a toe in the sand, then pulled it out when a wave lapped too close to his foot. He took a step back. aYeah, well, I appreciate the need for R and R, Dzarny, but unfortunately, youall have to wait for it. We got some University people coming our way, and itas your job to make sure they get what they need without getting in anyoneas way.a Alex continued to play with the feel of line and water as they pulled against each other. He took a step closer to the wateras edge, then another. A boat sailed by in the distance, and he admired it, silently. He rarely took time off. Paul had no right to complain. Besides, he was feeling a little distracted, out of sorts.

aLook, you got some of these bugs up your a.s.s by any chance?a Paul asked.

Alex said nothing.

aMaybe you got a bug up your a.s.s about Dr. Addamsas a.s.signment?a Paul suggested.

aI have nothing to say about Dr. Addams. I donat have anything to do with her anymore.a aWhat?a aSomeone sent her away on mandatory home leave. I canat imagine who would do that without consulting her Supervisor, but somebody did. And therefore, sheas not working for me anymore.a aIs that it? For Chrissake. With her reputation, itall be safer for her that way. We list her as research, someone gets into her files, they get nervous about what sheas researching. But it doesnat mean anything. You know that. Itas not likea"are you listening to me?a Paul asked.

aNo,a Alex said. aIam not at work, so I donat have to.a Paul made a noise like snorting. Alex didnat turn around to see which orifice he made it with.

He wanted time off, dammit. Time away from his office. There was something of the scent of mint around his desk, and he didnat like it. He needed to get away from it and think, without that feeling of always waiting for something. Without those great gaps in his day, when n.o.body showed up to swing a pair of discourteous heels onto his desk and spout imaginative profanities about people likea"like Paul.

aSay something, dammit,a Paul barked at him. aThese bugs are eating me.a aThatas what wild things do, Paul,a Alex said. aThey eat you. My advicea"go home now while you still have some flesh left to call your own.a aJesus, what is it with you?a aYou took one of my people and put her on mandatory leave without even letting me know. Isnat that enough for one day?a aAlex, she canat be in there on research. The president nixed it. She said the studentsad be on it like flies on s.h.i.+t. Likea"a He slapped at his arm. aLike bugs in flesh. If they get wind of what sheas there for, sheas screwed, and we donat look too good either.a aShe shouldnat be there at all.a aWhy didnat you say that earlier? And whyare you in such a twist about it now? I mean, I know people been sayina for years that youare crazy about her, buta"a af.u.c.k you,a Alex said.

Paul stopped cold. Alex cast his line out and said nothing more.

aChrist,a Paul said. aTake your lousy time off and pout, but it wonat change anything. Sheas still on the home planet, and youare still in charge of the University people here. Make sure they stay in bounds. I donat want aem walking outside their own turf, and Iam counting on you to provide the leash. You wanna know whya"because itas your job.a Alex drew his line in, cast it out.

aIall put a memo to that effect on your desk. When youarea at work, you can read it and remind yourself that you never heard a word I said.a The crunch of feet on sand told him Paul had walked away.

He reeled in his line and called it a day.

3.

JAGUAR SCANNED THE THIRTY-THREE FACES IN front of her. A variety of shades of skin color. A variety of hairstyles. A variety of dress styles. A variety of genetic encodings reflected in round faces, angular faces, eyes that turned up or down, wide mouths, and thin mouths. An abundance of variety, except for one thing.

From the front row to the back, and from left to right, each set of eyes was both guarded and indifferent. She wondered if what they were guarding was their indifference. She pulled in breath, and let it out slowly. Shead taken attendance, made sure all the registration forms were in order, and given out syllabi. Shead have to make a start with them.

aAny questions about the syllabus?a she asked. Dull eyes stared at her. Disengaged. Every one of them. She sighed.

aOkay,a she said, moving around to the front of the desk and pulling herself up to sit on it, swinging her legs, leaning back on her hands. aSo someone tell me what you think the purpose of religion is.a n.o.body moved.

aThis is not a trick question,a she rea.s.sured them. aYou canat get it wrong.a Everyone continued not to move.

She pointed to a young blond woman whose curly hair framed a vacuously pretty face. aYou there,a she said. aGrade. Just tell me what you think.a The young woman pointed to herself, then turned her head this way and that.

aThatas right,a Jaguar said. aYou. Whatas religion for?a aMy nameas not Gracie,a the blonde said, her voice high and petulant.

The rest of the cla.s.s snickered.

aGot your attention, didnat it?a Jaguar said.

The students murmured among themselves. A young woman with a broad and smoothly quiet face, dark hair and eyes, raised her hand. Jaguar nodded at her.

aReligion teaches people how to connect to the spirit world, and provides a basis for moral and ethical decisions,a she said, her voice, like her face, quiet and smooth. The young man sitting next to her nodded in approval.

aYour name?a Jaguar asked.

aKatia,a she said.

aThatas a good answer. Basic and true. Wheread you get it?a aI read a little in the text.a aDo you agree with it?a The girlas face creased into a question and her shoulders went up and down a fraction of an inch. aI donat know what you mean.a aIs that what religion is for you?a Jaguar turned the question toward the cla.s.s as a whole, and saw Katia relax into relief at having the burden s.h.i.+fted from her. The young man sitting next to her put a hand on her arm.

aAnyone else?a Jaguar asked.

aFar as I can tell,a a young man with spiked hair said, appearing to mumble the words to some point inside his own chest, areligionas supposed to keep people bored.a Giggles roved around the back of the cla.s.s.

Jaguar tilted her head. aBored?a a aS like school,a he said. aYou sit and listen a lot to stuff you donat understand and donat care about so you know how to put up with the boring job youare gonna have. And everyoneas too scared to say anything about it, because G.o.d might get aem when they die.a More giggles. Some murmurs of a.s.sent. Jaguar looked around at the lethargic faces.

aIs this a required course for you?a she asked.

They turned to each other, as if asking permission to speak, and heads began to nod.

aI see. Okay. Letas try this, then. Do what I do.a She picked up her syllabus and held it in front of her. They all did the same. Slowly, starting at the center, she began to tear it in half, taking the two halves and putting them together, then tearing it again and again, then tossing the pieces into the air in front of her.

The students muttered to each other and pa.s.sed glances to their buddies.

aWell,a Jaguar said. aGo ahead. Itas your turn.a A young man in the rear of the room said what the h.e.l.l and ripped with gusto. Others around him followed suit. Then they all tore joyouslya"except for Katia, whose motions were tentative, and the young man next to her, who sat still as a stone.

There was always one, she thought. No matter what you did. She smiled at him. He was an attractive young man, with sandy hair and a face that had the shadow of childhood freckles.

aGot a problem with this?a she asked.

The young man looked at Katia and shook his head at her rather than at Jaguar. aItas nothing, Katia,a he said in response to the concern in her eyes. Then he smiled at Jaguar. aI just like to play by the rules, and if I tear this up, I wonat know what they are.a aGood point,a she said. aSince weave disregarded this particular set of rules, weall have to come up with some new ones. Your name isa?a a Steven,a he said. a Steven Haigue.a aOkay, Steven. What rules do you want?a A black woman at the back shouted out, aEverybody gets Aas.a Hoots and cheers followed.

Jaguar held her hands out. aYes? Is that the cla.s.s rule?a aNo,a Steven said firmly. People groaned.

Jaguar held a hand up for quiet. aWhy not, Steven?a aBecause,a he said, aitas not fair. The people who work for Aas should get Aas.a aAnd how do you work for an A in a cla.s.s thatas about matters of the spirit?a aBy learning the material and doing good on the tests.a More groans ensued. Jaguar couldnat quite hold back her grin, and he noticed. His face furrowed into sullenness.

aWhatas so funny?a he asked.

aI was just thinking about what it might mean to pa.s.s a spiritual test.a aOh man,a the black woman said, ayou gonna make us walk on hot coals ora"or whatever you did on them Planetoids?a aBe quiet, Selica,a someone hissed at her.

So, Jaguar thought. They knew. She wondered what stories theyad heard about the Planetoids. What stories they told themselves to get a delightful s.h.i.+ver of fear on dark and stormy nights. She was about to respond when Steven spoke again.

aThis is a cla.s.s about world religions. Not spirituality. To try and teach spiritual matters in cla.s.s would be aa He paused.

aInappropriate?a Jaguar suggested.

aI was going to say dangerous.a aI see,a Jaguar said, and she did. She saw that she could spend the rest of the cla.s.s, and probably the rest of the semester, engaged in argument with him, or she could try to teach everyone else. She decided she was tired of argument. Shead rather teach. She smiled at him.

aWell, I try to avoid danger at all costs, so letas start with a religion. Everybody stand up.a They murmured. Frowned. Laughed nervously.

aWhatare you waiting for?a she asked in response to their immobility. aWeare starting in China, with the concept of Chi. Canat learn about that without moving around.a When they began tentatively to shuffle out of their desks, she laughed and held her arms out wide. They were no different from her prisoners. Terrified of seeing who they were, and being it. And it was her job to make sure they faced that particular fear, and overcame it, so theyad have room to learn what the rest of the world was like.

aUp,a she said, at full voice. aOn your feet and letas get started.a When cla.s.s was done and the students filed outa"some stopping to ask questions about the a.s.signment and some stopping to ask more questions about the concept of Chia"Jaguar made her way down the halls to the Campus Center.

She had to pick up a few essentials at the campus store. Bath salts would be in order, since the best part of her rooms was a large antique claw-foot tub, and plentiful hot water from the Universityas very efficient solar heating system. And she wanted a sketch pad for cla.s.s so that she could draw some of the concepts that eluded words.

She took her time, getting acquainted with the tunnels between cla.s.s and Campus Center, letting her energy levels settle back to normal after fielding the many energies directed at her in cla.s.s. Stevenas truculence. Katiaa"whom she took to be Stevenas girlfrienda"and her serious eyes and quiet face. Selicaas outspokenness. Taquaraas hair. Joey and Jesseas whispers to each other. And great hulking Glen, who spoke gruffly but giggled when he tore up his syllabus. They seemed like an interesting group so far.

She stopped and read notices on the bulletin board. Notices of meetings for student groups. Gone Girls Memorial Fund Dance. Gone Girlsa"that was the popular name for the disappeared sorority women, her files said. Rooms for Rent: Conveniently located near all bars. Some things, she thought, never change. Gay and Lesbian Campus Coalition meeting on Wednesday. She thought of getting in touch with them to see if they were any friendlier toward empaths than the majority heteros.e.xuals. They should be, she thought, given the similarities in the ways each group was seen and treated.

Like gays, you couldnat tell if someone was an empath by looking, but you could make a guess based on certain gestures, habits of dress, speech, and manner. A sage-green item of clothing. The earring in the left ear, the kind of stone indicating the kind of empath. A tendency to either avoid or maintain heavy eye contact. Certain catchphrases. Any of these might tag you as an empath, whether you were or not.

But empaths, who were inclined to keep under cover, didnat have coalitions. They didnat identify their talents except in very specific situations and for very limited circles with other empaths, who were also busy keeping quiet. There was some safety on the Planetoids, and within certain groups like Jake and One Birdas village, where what Jaguar did was considered normal. But in mainstream society, empaths were still seen as objects for either derision or fear or, oddly enough, both, though Jaguar never understood how you could ridicule something and at the same time take it seriously enough to be afraid of it.

She made her way to the ladiesa room and found a stall, entered it. As she did so, she heard voices, heels tapping, laughter.

Bits of conversation floated to her.

aI think itas neat,a one voice said enthusiastically. aI mean, at least weall be doing more than just sitting there and falling asleep.a aYeah. Weall be busy making sure she doesnat mind-f.u.c.k us,a came the response.

aCome on,a a voice protested. aYou donat know that about her.a aGet a light on. She can wear the suit, but it doesnat hide the earring. Obsidian. Left ear.a She felt at her earlobe. Great, she thought. Every teacheras nightmare. Stuck in the stall while her students talked about her.

aSo drop the course,a the first voice chimed in. aYou got your diversity requirement covered, donat you?a aIam gonna drop it. I just thought you should know. Be careful of her. The presidentas probably got plants around campus for the course.a aYou are so paranoid, Celie.a aMaybe. But I sat in a few Private Sanction meetings, and they know about her. They got her Planetoid records.a Voices paused, and Jaguar could almost see the young woman pointing upward. Toward the Planetoids they couldnat see, but could and did imagine.

aWhatare you talking about, Celie?a aAsk anyone. Theyare all over the Planetoids. I read about it. Donat you ever read anything?a Giggles. aIs it required?a aOnly if you want to protect yourself,a the voice said, and retreated from the room.

Jaguar heard the door creak open and click close, then counted a minute of silence before she emerged from her stall.

She stopped at the mirror, considered her face. It was tight, holding anger and some fear.

Then she shook her head at herself. aMaybe your students are afraid to be who they are for a reason,a she said to her reflection. aMaybe they know it just isnat safe.a Planetoid Three, Toronto Replica Rich Forrest put his briefcase down on his desk and slid a hand across the surface. Nice, he thought. Built-in computer and telecom. Everything at his fingertips, and the rest of it a sleek and s.h.i.+ny mirror in which he could see his face. Which looked a little disgruntled.

He hadnat wanted this a.s.signment and told Lieutenant General Durk it was a bad idea. First of all, Alex knew him. They were on the same cleanup unit in Manhattan during the Serials.

Durk said that wasnat a problem. Forrest was ten years out of regular army work and into research on the academic circuit. Alex couldnat possibly find any remaining a.s.sociation because it was all under Blackout Code. Besides, Durk wanted someone who knew Dzarny, might be able to call his moves before he made them.

But Rich didnat like it. Durk didnat have to hang out feeling trapped on this sky island. And he hadnat worked with Dzarny ever. Rich had seen Alex in tight spots, and saw how he could get out of them.

There was the time they were checking on some kids who had a camp set up in a Dumpster. They were in the alley, and the kids scattered, but a man crawled out from behind the Dumpster and pulled a rapid-fire on them. Alex hadnat skipped a beat. He walked right into the barrel of his gun with those strange eyes of his blazing.

The guy didnat fire.

Another time a woman jumped them from behind. She had a meat cleaver in her hand. Alex caught it by the blade in the palm of his hand and flipped her on her back. Forrest remembered the sound of her skull cracking against the cement. He remembered thinking that Dzarny seemed like such a quiet kind of guy. He liked having Dzarny on his unit, but he wouldnat want to have him on the other side, as he was in this operation.

He opened his briefcase and pulled out the disk with Alexas file, popped it into his personal computer, and read through it one more time before erasing it entirely. He took another look at Alexas photo. It was almost twenty years since Manhattan, but Rich would recognize that bony face, those slightly slanted deep-set eyes, that set of chin, even if Alex had changed enormously. And he hadnat. He was in good shape, not carrying any spare flesh on his large frame. His hair had more silver in it, but it was still thick and inclined to be riotous, and he still wore the earring that signified the artist. Pract.i.tioner of the empathic arts.

Head heard some stories about Alex since he started working the Planetoid, and especially since he buddied up with that Addams woman. Theyad developed a reputation as a formidable team ever since theyad taken down the Division for Intelligence Enforcement. And the last job they dida"Rich had to admit it was pretty spectacular work. Dzarny was good, and he heard she was holy h.e.l.l, and born d.a.m.n lucky with it.

Empaths, he thought, were a pain in the a.s.s. They could do good work, but they didnat take to the chain of command at all. After a certain point they were simply unmanageable. Like their specialist on campus, which is why he was here in the first place. To do a job for the specialist on campus. He didnat know who the specialist was, except that he worked takeouts and communications. Very valuable. He could get into coded net rings and play them like a piano without a trace. The Pentagon would do just about anything rather than risk losing the special services of the specialist on campus.

So here he was, stuck with a lot of Ivy League types who thought they were here to profile exiting prisoners and study treatment efficiency data, waiting for whatever Durk would tell him to do next. It could be anything. Durk was known for setting private agendas. He was a heavy, clumsy man with a wooden hand, but his mind danced more delicately than a ballerina en pointe.

He hoped somebody knew what they were doing on this one.

He read through the rest of Alexas file, hit the delete code, and watched it disappear. Then he closed up his briefcase and slid it across his desk. The others would be arriving soon, and the job would begin.

4.

aBYTELOCK,a JAGUAR SAID POINTEDLY. aDAMMIT.a She sat at a row of computers reserved for student use, trying to get a message through for Rachel to remind her to repot the mint before it got root-bound. But her message kept bouncing back to her, and she was advised, in computer terms, to stay in line and wait her turn. There was a bytelock and it would take time to clear.