Jaguar Addams - Learning Fear Part 5

aTell you what,a Ulesti said, acan you come back after lunch? Weare just finis.h.i.+ng up a meeting here, and then weave got some interns to deal with.a aFine with me,a Alex agreed. aThree oaclock?a aThree oaclock,a Ulesti said. aRich?a aGreat. Alex, I canat tell you how pleased I am. Nice to work with you again.a aMy pleasure,a Alex agreed. He grabbed some door and left the room more thoughtful than when head entered, because now he had something to think about.

He walked back to his office, went right for his telecom, and waited for Rachelas face to appear.

aRachela"howas it going with Brad?a She seemed startled. aHeas gone.a aOn his way?a aAs we speak.a That was good. aRachel, can you do me a favor?a She laughed. Whenever he had work for her, he said this. As if he didnat pay her for her work. aI can do you a favor,a she admitted.

aOkay. I want the records for our University visitors.a aProfessionals, or personals?a she asked.

aBoth, and all of each,a he said. aWhere theyave worked. Who they worked with. What they like to eat, and who they like to eat it with.a She whistled. aThatall take some doing. Thereas about a dozen of them if you include interns.a aAll right,a he said. aIall give you a hint. Pick your shovel up and follow the ones that lead you to the Pentagon. Then put it down and start digging.a She lifted her face and widened her eyes. aReally?a she asked.

aI am very much afraid so,a he replied.

6.

BRAD DERAGON STARED AT THE MAP HE HELD in his hand. It must make sense, he knew, and he was pretty good at reading a map. It was just that everything was too d.a.m.n symmetrical here. He wondered if it was true that the toilets each had two flush handles, as head heard it joked.

Head gotten in three days before, set himself up in a dorm as a transfer, and was lucky enough to be in the same dorm hall as one of Jaguaras studentsa"Steven, his name was. In fact, Steveas suite of rooms was just across the hall from Bradas, and head come over to say h.e.l.lo, ask him if he needed anything. They had a good long talk about the professors here, and Brad felt head hit the jackpot on his first try. And he could pursue the connection even further.

If only he could find the humanities building.

He peered from the map, across the podium. The fountain was turned off, and the field-sized shallow pool surrounding it had been drained for the coming winter months. Students hustled by, hunched over armloads of books. Humanities should be to the right, and diagonal from where he stood. He inclined himself that way and walked. A group of pretty young women pa.s.sed, and he let his eyes feast on them, enjoyed the sounds of giggling. There wasnat a lot of giggling to be heard on the Planetoids, and not a lot of young women who looked like these. Open. Unafraid. Unwounded.

Nice a.s.signment, he thought. Easy, undangerous, and with perks. Maybe it was time to come home. Go back to school for real. Head been on the Planetoid for three years, and he felt ready for a change.

Maybe he could even come here. Head be getting credit for a criminal justice course he was takinga"an easy A after working the Planetoids, where all tests were a little more visceral. Steve also told him the teacher he was taking it from was a cream puff. Two exams, one paper, and attendance not required.

When Brad asked how he knew that, Steve nodded knowingly, and said, aI know a lot. You interested in learning more?a Brad said he was. He expressed concern over being on a campus where they were offering a History of the Empathic Arts course, said how he hated all that mind-control c.r.a.p, and that he wasnat sure head matriculate if they did offer it. Head even heard rumors that a Planetoid worker was teaching here, and did Steve know anything about that.

Sure. He knew everything about it, and said not to worry. The teacher he was talking about would be gone by next semester, unless she bailed out early. Which, he hinted, she might. There were ways of applying pressure, he said. Especially with professors like her who were obviouslya"you know.

Brad said he didnat know. Obviously what?

Steve cast a glance around quickly and then whispered to Brad. Mind-f.u.c.kers, he said. Empaths.

Brad demonstrated the appropriate mixture of horror and interest. He asked how could the University possibly let people like that teach. He swore head do anything to help get her off campus. If there was anything he could do, that is. But werenat empaths dangerous?

They were, Steve agreed, but they were also stupid. Arrogant. He knew lots of ways to get over on them, and he knew people who were teaching him more. He had help. Lots of people wanted to help. Brad could go to a meeting if he wanted to.

Sure, Brad said. Head love to.

And he wanted to get there on time.

If only he could find the humanities building.

Jaguar found the cheap halolighting in her office irritating and uncomplimentary to the amber in her skin. Shead purchased two small kerilamps, which shed a softer, less intensely rose-colored light on her face. She sat under their glow, gazing plaintively at the pile of student papers she had to read, wondering if there was any empathic art that could make it smaller. She turned her attention to procrastinating about the reading by going through her on-line messages.

They included a message from Alex that read, aHave you managed to destroy your telecom, and so quickly? We need to talk.a aGlad you sent me here, yet?a she asked it. It did not respond.

And neither would she. She hit delete and expunge. The message disappeared.

There was a light tapping on her door. She resisted the urge to respond, aAbandon hope,a and instead called out, aCome in.a The door opened and Emily Rainer stood inside the frame. Her face and clothes were just as carefully casual as they were last night, her blouse and flowing skirt just as pressed, and her shoes just as appropriately heeled. Jaguar was of the school that believed that heels should either be stiletto and therefore a weapon, or just gotten out of the way. The in-betweens that Emily wore seemed pointless to her. That, she scolded herself, was no reason to delete and expunge the woman herself.

ah.e.l.lo,a Jaguar said, and sat up at her desk. aItas good to see you. Iam looking for a reason not to read.a She indicated the pile of papers and Emily smiled. aHorrible, isnat it? If only they could form a coherent thought and hold it long enough to make a sentence.a aActually, their writing is fine,a Jaguar said, aItas my reading thatas off.a She waved Emily toward the other chair by way of invitation.

aDinner was lovely last night,a Emily said, seating herself but not exactly relaxing. Jaguar saw that her eyes had that glitter, like the surface of a lake coated thinly with black ice. For the first time she thought maybe it wasnat emotion. It could be drugs.

Ethan told her that Emily was having a grueling year, seeking tenure, pus.h.i.+ng her research toward completion, taking on extra committee work. Maybe she was taking retrorem, which simulated REM brainwaves so she could keep up with the extra load on less sleep. It was a great drug, except for the side effects like extreme emotional instability, a leaping back and forth between exigent sorrow and exigent fear and uncontrollable rage. Retrorem would go far to explain Emily.

aNice for me, too,a Jaguar said, smiling brightly. aLetas do it again sometime.a Emily laughed. aThatas what the dean said to you, isnat it?a Jaguar made her face still. So. Thatas what the visit was for. A little boundary setting.

aIs that a problem?a she asked.

Emilyas hand went to her collar and fidgeted. aProblem? No of course not. Onlya"a She leaned forward and spoke confidentially. aWell, donat take the dean too seriously,a she whispered. aHeas a bit of a flirt.a aHe is, isnat he?a she replied.

Emily nodded. aI know itas been a while since you were at University, but youall find it hasnat changed much. Men are still men.a aAnd a kiss is still a kiss,a she said.

aWhat?a aNothing. Just an old song.a Jaguar felt a twinge of guilt. She and Emily were two of four women in a 25 person department. She could spend more time with her, and less time letting Ethan lean on her desk anda"well, flirt with her. But between the nervous tension she felt moving under Emilyas deliberate friendliness, and her comments last night about empaths, Emily made her twitch. She wanted something from Jaguar, kept trying to get it without asking for it, and that made Jaguar want to push her away. Ethan, on the other hand, Ethan soothed her because he was consistently cool and sedate and slightly detached. Or maybe Emily was just enough on the edge to remind Jaguar uncomfortably of herself. Too complicated, she told herself. Leave it alone.

aOh,a Emily said. aWell. Actually, I came by because Iave been fielding some questions about you.a aQuestions?a aYes. Students who have you as a Teacher are apparently a little afraid to broach the subject, but they know youare from the Planetoids anda"well, as you were saying, sometimes open discussion of these things clears the air remarkably well.a aThey havenat mentioned anything about it to me,a Jaguar noted.

aAs I said, theyare a little afraid.a Emily waved her braceleted wrist dismissively. aYou know how they get these notions in their heads about who people are and so on.a Jaguar knew she was being asked to do something, but she wasnat sure what. aDo you want me to talk to them about it?a aActually,a Emily said, aI thought maybe you could give an open lecture as part of the speaker series. About working on the Planetoids. It would make sense as part of the exchange program, and I know a lot of the faculty also want to know.a Jaguar thought of the last tape she had made for the Governorsa Board. If she had thought ahead, she would have brought it along and shown it, then fielded questions afterward.

aDid I say something funny?a Emily asked, when she saw the grin on Jaguaras face.

aNo. Not at all. Iam just flattered at your request. Itas a shame thereas certain confidentiality rules I couldnat possibly break. I donat think my office would allow it.a aOh,a Emily said, disappointed. aI see. Buta"are you sure?a aI could check, but Iam reasonably sure.a aWell, if you find out different, let me know and Iall arrange something.a Arrange to make me a nonmoving target, Jaguar thought. She didnat know if Emily was actually involved with Private Sanction, or if she just spouted the bigotry of the general public when she talked about empaths, but she must know that giving a lecture about the Planetoids, as a Planetoid worker, would mark Jaguar for all eyes.

Emily said nothing for some time. Her mouth twitched and her gla.s.sy eyes peered over Jaguaras shoulder, out toward the distant mountains. Jaguar watched her, saw that her emotional ground was s.h.i.+fting, and something interesting was waiting to rise up from the epicenter.

At last she spoke. aAbout Ethan,a she said, and then stopped, fidgeted with her bracelets. aI feel obligated to let you know that heas perfectly free to see whom he wishes,a she said, and sighed deeply.

aI donat have any particular interest in any kind ofa" of relations.h.i.+p,a Jaguar said.

aI know,a Emily said, speaking more sharply. aThatas what makes you so dangerous.a Jaguar pulled back in her seat and brought her chin up. aDangerous?a Emily leaned forward and pulled her gaze into focus, turning it on Jaguar. The force of it was astonis.h.i.+ng. aWhen I first came here, I believed in the University. I thought it was a place where you could live your ideals. Teaching, learning, guiding young people, and following the call of enlightenment. I was wrong. Itas a place of pettiness. Petty greed. A pretense of power to ward off fears of impotence. Petty men grappling for the biggest piece of a rotten potato. They think it means something. I thought it meant something. I was wrong.a There was enough fire in her eyes to burn the building down, and she reached over and put a hand that felt like a talon on Jaguaras arm.

aAnd youa"you come here as if you can get away with living as you please. As if you donat have to get caught in the web of all the relations.h.i.+ps, all the needs and feelings and grapplings and gropings. As if youare above all that. But youare not. Youall see. You can act like nothing will stick to you, but youall come out as b.l.o.o.d.y as the rest of us.a She held up a hand like a claw. Held it high, laughed at it, then dropped it back into her lap and stared out the window, away from Jaguar, who waited to see what might happen next.

Emily stood, smoothed down her skirt. aWell, I wonat keep you,a she chirped. aBut letas have lunch sometime. Shall we?a She gave Jaguar a hand to shake, and left the office.

aWell,a Jaguar muttered to the door when it closed. aWasnat that fun? And yes, letas do it again sometime, when one of us is a little more sane.a She picked up her student papers and riffled through them absentmindedly, thinking about Emily, about the message left on her computer, about the gla.s.siness of Emilyas eyes. As she ran her finger over the edge and listened to the paper make its small music, a printout of an Internet article floated out and down to the floor. She scooped it up midair, and held it in front of her face, reading.

as.h.i.+t,a she said.

It was an article about the murder of two Wiccans. They were performing a ceremony for Samhain when someone bashed their heads in, pinned notes to their tongues. aMind-f.u.c.kers,a the notes said.

Jaguar put the article on her desk. Did it go with someoneas paper? She sifted through, looking for Wicca. Discrimination. Samhain. Anything resembling this article.

Nothing.

Without thinking, she ran a hand over it to feel the last hand that had touched it. Such a natural gesture for her. Her hand stroked the paper, and she felt for signs of life. At first there was nothing. Then a sense of her students. None in particular. Just their faces, their eyes, pa.s.sing by hers like lights past the window of a speeding car. Eyes, looking to her. Eyes, wanting something from her. All their eyes. Then, Steve. And Katia.

Katia, eyes deep and dark and frightened. Katiaas eyes and her mouth forming words. Her eyes, a tunnel to fall into, and Jaguar fell to the feel of cool hands running her skin and pressure at the base of her neck.

A cool hand touching the back of hers. Pressure at the back of her neck. Something cool and firm and highly charged moving through her. In her.

Down into her belly and her groin.

Fast. Whoever was doing this was fast. She pulled away from it, getting nowhere, stuck in the hands that surrounded her held her down talked to her.

You want him. Want him. Call him. Not safe here alone.

She struggled against it. Breathing hard and rough. Want who? Wanta"

Alex.

Want him. Call him. No, she wouldnat. Breathing was a ch.o.r.e. She fought for breath, felt a strangling at her throat, brought her hand up to grab it, keep it away.

Call him. Not safe alone.

No, she thought. Not right. No breath in her. No breath and no way out of these hands jesus what was this her body moving without her volition and she couldnat pull out of it couldnat pull out close down get away too much.

She crushed the article and pitched it away from her.

Then she leaned forward, put her head down on her desk and listened to the humming of pain in her head as it pa.s.sed from her.

When she was aware of herself and her surroundings again, the only thoughts in her brain were her own. Whatever shead been caught in, she was out now.

No contact. No more contact. Stay closed. No messing around.

A hand at her shoulder brought her up sharp.

She lifted her head, and her arm followed to ward off whoever was there. Leonard caught her wrist and held it, regarding her in silence.

aJesus,a she said, ayou scared me.a He loosened his hold and she pulled her arm away. Shook herself and ran a hand through her hair. Tried to gather herself back to normalcy.

He stared at her with his empath eyes. aYou okay?a aIama"fine.a She cast a glance at the door. aHowad you get in?a aI knocked, and you didnat answer, but I heard you in here. So I went to the office and got the master key. Told them I locked myself out. You sure youare okay?a She nodded, tried to smile lightly. aI guess I fell asleep. Ever doze over papers?a He frowned, recognizing the lie. aAll the time. But I donat talk in my sleep like you do.a aBad habit,a she said, and s.h.i.+fted in her seat. aDid I say anything interesting?a aNothing too bad,a he said. aBut Iad watch it if I was you. With your job, I donat think itas a good idea to keep a high profile.a aIam here to teach a course,a she said carefully. aThereas nothing high profile about that.a aIs that why they sent you?a Leonard asked quietly.

She turned her face up to his, held his eyes with hers, asking her face to be a solid and blank page for him to read. aThey? You mean the Board?a she asked.

aNo,a he said, aNot Supervisor Dzarny either.a aIam here to teach,a she said, clipped and angry. Too angry to think about how he knew her supervisoras name. aIf you heard anything else, you heard wrong.a aOkay. I heard wrong.a He smiled agreeably. aIt happens.a She reined her temper in. aIt does. Do you mind telling me who you heard wrong from?a aA few people, I suppose. Emily has some ideas, but you already know that, donat you?a Jaguar frowned. His voice had emphasis. Carried warning. aI know. She was here earlier.a aYeah?a he asked. aWhatas she got to say to you?a aShe says donat mind the dean. I guess thatas her personal tenure search, right?a Leonard grinned. aAbout right. And I donat think itas going too well.a His ma.s.sive shoulders lifted and fell slowly, like boulders moving their way down a mountain. He had such a capacity for quiet one tended to forget he was a big man. He had a face that listened. She wondered how he managed on this campus.

aAre you looking for tenure here?a she asked.

aNot me,a he said adamantly. aIam a temporary appointment. Special visiting professor. Next year Iam back home on the res. Right now Iam doing Intertribal Unity work with the Mohawks at Kanatsiohareke. Theyare like One Birdas placea"a traditional community, not on res land.a Jaguar knew. Theyad done well, as had the reservations since the Killing Times. Theyad escaped the trouble of the cities, as Leonard said, partly because they had warnings from men of vision like her grandfather. It was the only time the Natives made out better than the white manas world. A time during which she was in exactly the wrong place to have the rare advantage of her people.

aYaknow, Katiaas a Mohawk,a Leonard continued.

He was as bad as Alex, still trying to pull her in, she thought. aI didnat know,a she said.

aShe did an independent study with me on it. You get to talk with her much?a he asked.

aJust the usual. She stops by my office sometimes. Sheas pretty closed, and,a she added deliberately, aI donat like to pry when a student isnat ready for it.a aRight,a Leonard said, catching on. aSure.a He sighed, and moved himself toward the door.

When he got there, he turned around and looked at her. aBe careful around here, okay, Jaguar?a he said. aWhen you walk, walk soft.a Walk soft. In her language, that was a reference to the chant-shape. Walking in power, but inaccessible. Elusive. Silent and, if you wanted to be, invisible. What was he trying to tell her? She decided to ignore it. Pretend she didnat understand the implication.

aIall be careful,a she promised.

He opened the door and stepped out. aGood. Iall call you, and you can come over to my place. Iam right on campus, too. Weall talk about your research, and Iall cook you an injun dinner. Howas that sound?a aThat sounds good, Leonard. That sounds very good. Right now Iad bettera"great Hecateas cloak. Iam late for cla.s.s.a She fumbled with her book bag, grabbed her coat, and made a dash for it.

aDinner,a Leonard yelled after her, standing in the hall. aIall call.a aGreat,a she shouted over her shoulder.

She avoided knocking anyone over on her way down the stairs and managed to find the right turn in the tunnels to her cla.s.sroom building. When she arrived in her cla.s.sroom, she found the students whispering among themselves.

She looked up at them.

aWhat? Whatas going on?a aNothing.a aSomething,a she said.

Glen pointed to the blackboard behind her.

She turned. Written in large white letters, the same words that were on her computer.

MIND f.u.c.kER GO HOME.

So far, her day was going like h.e.l.l.

She used a minute of studying it to keep her face away from her students. Then she put a hand on her hip. aI always thought amind-f.u.c.kera was a hyphenated word.a Some laughter from the back. Some s.h.i.+fting in seats. Discomfort. She picked up an eraser and started wiping it away.

aIs this going on a lot?a she asked as she erased.

aYeah,a Glen said morosely. aAll over campus. Itas the Private Sanction group.a aItas about the course, right? History of the Empathic Arts?a aWe shouldnat waste cla.s.s time on this,a Steve chimed in. Katia gave him a dark look.

aWhat should we waste cla.s.s time with?a Jaguar asked. aA theoretical discussion of religious persecution?a aThis,a Steve said, ahas nothing to do with religious persecution. The empathic arts are not a religion.a She put down the eraser and went over to the table where her lectern stood perched and pointless. She never used it. She swung herself to sitting on the table and regarded the students.

aThey are to the pract.i.tioner,a she said. She let that settle in. aThat message on the boarda"would Private Sanction mean that as a personal affront to me, or just a general directive to whoever happened to walk in?a s.h.i.+fting. Whispering. You say something. No, you say it. No, you.

Katia, finally, speaking up. aDr. Addams, I think itas because you worked up there.a She pointed toward the ceiling. Up there. With the bats in the belfry.

aEveryone thinks that if you work up there, youarea" well, we hear all kinds of things about Planetoid Teachers,a Jesse Goodman told her.

Jaguar ran a finger down her nose, let it tap thoughtfully against her lips. aWhat kinds of things?a aLike youare here to investigate the Gone Girls,a Selica said. aThat some professor snuffed aem, and youare gonna find out who did it.a aAnd,a Taquana piped in, athat youare setting us up so weall take the new course. At least, thatas what Private Sanctions says.a Jaguar grinned. aBetween teaching and papers and investigative work and mind-f.u.c.king, Iam pretty busy. How do I find the time?a Murmuring. A little appreciative laughter. Katia nudging Steve, mouthing aI told you soa at him.

He pulled away from Katia and addressed the cla.s.s, his voice high and loud. aYaknow, you guysa favorite religion is apathism. Youare all apathists. You donat care and you donat think you have to. Thereas been a lot of trouble here. At least Private Sanctionas trying to do something about it.a Jaguar turned her attention to him. Caught his eyes and held them. Felt Katiaas dark stare move toward her with his. Remembered at the last minute to make no empathic moves here. Keep herself contained. Closed. And knowing this was necessary made her even angrier.

aSo are the people who work on the Planetoids,a she growled.

He tightened his lips and said nothing.