Three Button Trick And Other Stories Part 20

"Who, me?'

Leonard moved towards him. 'Tell me something,' he said, 'How come women are so f.u.c.king stupid?' He tapped the side of his head with a plump, yellowy forefinger. 'No logic.'

'What?' With my luck, Davy was thinking, this fat old git'll turn out to be her father.

'Ask me about her,' Leonard said. 'Anything you like. I know everything about her.'

'How come?'

Davy eyed Leonard side-on. His gut, his pate, his white stubble.

'I've been going in this place for years. I know all the girls who ever worked in there.'

Davy felt little inclination to have any kind of conversation with Leonard, least of all a conversation of a personal nature. He said, 'I don't think there's much point in discussing it.'

'OK,' Leonard said, 'I'll tell you one thing, though.'

'What?'

'Women do not have logical minds. You hear me? No matter what they do, no matter how they try. That's just the way it is. I mean, how many great thinkers do you know of that are women? Any?'

Davy shrugged. 'I dunno.'

'None.' Leonard folded his arms across his chest. His expansive gut bulged out under the weight of them. He continued. "This girl hates men. Why? Because nature has cursed her and given her a f.a.n.n.y. Because men can think in ways that she can only dream of. Ways that she can't. So she hates men.' He stabbed at Davy's arm with his finger. 'So we must all suffer.' He paused and then added, 'I see it every day.'

'How's that?' Davy was interested, in spite of himself. But already Leonard's mind was elsewhere.

'Here is the picture I have.' He drew a square, mid-air, with his hand. 'Here is my information. She buys a paper every day. Does she read it? No. Only turns to the back and looks at the sports.'

He swivelled around and peered in through the window of the cafe, towards Jodi, who, true to form, was still leaning against the counter and staring at her paper. Davy stared too. He noticed that she was reading a big paper, not a tabloid.

'She has a large family. Four brothers. Hungarian. All older.'

'What's she reading?'

Leonard rolled back on his heels.

'Chess.'

'In the paper? I've never seen chess in the paper.' As he spoke, however, he had a vague recollection of having seen a black and white chess board on the back pages of proper papers.

Leonard said, 'See how she does her hair? See how her uniform is? All neat. Clean shoes?'

Like a b.l.o.o.d.y Fascist, Davy thought, feeling ashamed of the impulse in himself that had caused him to find her attractive.

'Everything is as it should be.'

Davy interrupted. 'She can't hear us out here, can she?'

Leonard shook his head. 'Wouldn't notice if I took out a gun and shot you. See her face.'

Davy turned and peered in through the window again. Jodi stood by the counter, as before, reading, but her face, he noticed, was white, pointed, tensed, focused, bloodless.

'What's wrong with her?'

's.e.x.'

'What?'

Davy laughed sharply, with embarra.s.sment. Leonard pummelled the palm of one hand with the fist of his other, a gesture that needed little interpretation.

'Know what I mean? All those brothers. She wants to be like a man. All straight and neat and everything clear in her head. Silly b.i.t.c.h.' He licked his lips before adding, 'Ripe for the plucking.'

Davy noticed that Leonard's fringe, originally white, had been stained a sickly yellow from nicotine. Also a small runnel on his upper and lower lips, on the right hand side of his mouth where he characteristically held his cigarette. This man, he thought, is a b.l.o.o.d.y animal.

Jodi was still leaning against the counter. She was memorizing several of the moves in the Short/Timman match. Originally she had believed that chess was a game that invited skill, wit, spontaneity. But now she knew that the only way to contend at a serious level was to learn, to revise, to memorize, to plan and to structure. Prepare as if for war.

Jodi had three brothers. Her parents were Romanian. All had played chess from a very young age. Her father was an exceptional player. None of the other brothers had ever beaten him. Only she, Jodi, had managed this once, aged thirteen. It had been the best and the worst day of her life.

Her father had said, 'Do you know how you beat me, Jodi?'

'How?' She smiled up at him, exultant.

'p.u.b.erty. You have turned into a woman under my very nose but I didn't notice. When you moved your knight and left your Queen unprotected I thought: she's lost it, she's not concentrating. I let my guard down. I didn't see the move for what it was: sensuous, ridiculous, gregarious. Very, very feminine.'

Jodi had stared at him, unsure how to react. She thought, is this good or is this bad? She still asked herself this question: Good or bad?.

Leonard nudged Davy in the ribs with his elbow. 'Once I listened about how she went to a pub to play chess with this famous English champion. Crazy man, long hair, gla.s.ses. I forget his name. Anyway, all the tables in the pub had boards. He played five games all at once, ten games, just walking between tables. She played four moves ... one, two, three ... and he beats her. Just like that. Easy!'

'So what happened?'

Leonard laughed and shook his head. 'She says, "I'll learn every move it's possible to make. I'll read every book. I'll see a whole game in my head before it's even played." Now she says she can play a game without even looking at the board.'

Davy felt suddenly ashamed. I asked her out, he thought, and I didn't know any of this. Imagine, all these things going on in her head and I couldn't even have guessed at them. He stepped away from Leonard and moved back towards the doorway of the cafe. He saw Jodi through the gla.s.s in the door. He felt a sudden, incredible, horrifying desire to consume her entirely, to take her and to make all those strange, abstract, alien parts of herself his own. He wanted to drink her down in one, like she was the liquid in a can of fizzy drink that could quench his thirst and bite into the back of his throat all in a single, thorough, rus.h.i.+ng gulpful.

Jodi sensed a figure hovering around just outside the cafe, near the door, a blur beyond the edge of her paper. She had ten moves worked out in her head, one after the other. She had to keep them in. Order. Symmetry. Design.

Her own private moves were there, too, in the back of her mind.

I will never dance with a man.

I will never make love.

I will never marry.

I will never bear children.

She sighed as she put down her paper and glanced up towards the figure in the doorway. She sighed but she felt not the slightest twinge of regret.

And then she noticed that it was Davy standing in the doorway. Davy? Was that his name? And then she noticed that he had bright green eyes. It was her move.

Bendy-Linda.

BELINDA WAS WELL ACQUAINTED with the fact that the tortoise was a protected species, but this information could hardly be expected to improve her opinion of these silent, sh.e.l.led, sly, old creatures.

She had joined the circus at eighteen, when she was awarded an E grade in her history A Level and an F in physics. Six years ago. Now she travelled the length and breadth of the continent, performing her gymnastic feats. She could start off doing a back-bend and end up with her head sticking out from between her own thighs. People at the circus called her Bendy-Linda, and the single question that she was asked more than any other was: What is it like to perform c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s on yourself? To which she would usually reply, 'Depends how long it's been since I had a bath.'

Bendy-Linda also had chief responsibility for the performing parrot troupe: seven parrots which she dressed anthropomorphically and had taught to don and doff hats, hold up miniature papers, kiss each other-birdy, beaky kisses-and dance in time to specified tunes. They also talked. They said, 'h.e.l.lo there,' 'Milk and no sugar,' 'May I have the pleasure?' and 'Great weather we're having.' She believed that these few sentences and phrases offered the key to a perfect life. A parrot Utopia.

Belinda's main problem with the birds was to keep circus people, and others, from using inappropriate language in front of them. One bird had learned how to say 'b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l' and had been forcibly retired from the troupe as a consequence. Swearwords were like fireworks: much brighter and louder and sparklier than other language. Both children and parrots-those tiny sensualists-were irresistibly drawn to them, couldn't wait to wrap their tongues around them.

There were nine acrobats and tumblers at the circus, all told.

'The turnover of staff in this field has always been rapid.' This was Alberto, circus ring master and manager.

Belinda stared at him, unsmiling. 'I suppose that goes with the territory.'

Alberto nodded, not truly comprehending. Turnover, Belinda felt like saying, it's a joke.

Alberto was introducing her to a new tumbler. He was tall, thickset, blond; physically unlike your average acrobat. Alberto said, 'This is Marcus. He's French.'

'Hi.' Belinda offered him her hand. He took it and squeezed it gratefully, but said nothing, only smiled. Belinda smiled back and said, 'We usually all go out for a meal when a new acrobat joins. Pizza or something. It's a tradition. Are you keen?'

He nodded eagerly.

'OK, I'll arrange it.'

The following evening, a large group of them were filling out a significant portion of a local bra.s.serie. Belinda sat to Marcus's left. On her left was Lenny, who in her opinion was a workaholic and a bore. He was a.n.a.lysing one of their routines. 'The first set of tumbles,' he said, his tone rigorous, 'come from nowhere. It's like the floor exercises in a gymnastic compet.i.tion, lacking a certain fluidity, a certain finesse. I mean, there are no hard and fast rules in this business.'

Belinda looked at him, her blue eyes sombre and unblinking.

'Anyway, the tempo's all wrong.'

Choosing her moment carefully she said, 'Lenny, let's not talk about work all night, OK?' She turned and took a gla.s.s from a tray that was being proffered by a waiter. 'Pernod. Excellent.'

She focused on Marcus. 'How've your first couple of days been? I haven't seen you around much, apart from at practice and the show.' She had seen him at practice in his slinky French lycra garments. At least a foot taller than any of the other men, but gratifyingly agile.

Marcus took so long to respond to her enquiry that she almost came to the conclusion that he spoke no English at all. But eventually he said, 'It was ... all fine.' He spoke slowly and laboriously. The effort of it brought tiny specks of perspiration to his upper lip. Belinda stared at him, wide-eyed. He's drunk, she thought, and it isn't even an hour since the matinee.

The waiter moved over to Marcus and offered him the tray. Marcus selected a bottle of beer, glad of this distraction, and drank down a hurried swig of it. Belinda said coolly, 'You're unusually tall for a tumbler.'

He nodded. 'Yes ... I am.' After an inordinately long pause he added, 'Five foot ... nine.'

He seemed to be relis.h.i.+ng his words and observations with a drunk man's delight. Belinda had been tipsy herself on several occasions and was well acquainted with the feeling of intense gratification that the performance of everyday feats accorded one while in this condition. The brain works so slowly, she thought, that opening a door or saying h.e.l.lo are transformed into tasks of terrible complexity.

Marcus put his beer down next to his plate and started to say something else, but before he could complete his sentence, she had turned away, towards Lenny, and had begun to discuss the rudiments of their early tumbling routine with him in some detail.

Later that night, when Belinda attempted to enter her trailer, the door wouldn't slide back smoothly, but jammed when it was half open. She stopped herself from saying anything worse than 'Darn!' adding, 'Needle and thread,' for good measure. (The parrots were tucked up next door, covered for the night but ever vigilant.) She then groped around blindly in the doorway until her hand located a tortoise sh.e.l.l. You little swine! she thought, tucking the tortoise under her arm and reaching inside her pocket for a lighter to ignite one of the lamps.

Once the lamp was lit she kicked the door shut behind her. The tortoise was still under her arm, tucked snugly there, held dispa.s.sionately, like a newspaper or a clutch bag. His head and feet were completely drawn in.

This creature had once belonged to her grandmother and was called Smedley. Belinda dumped him down on to the floor again. He scuttled away instantly.

When Belinda had taken possession of Smedley, two years ago, she had been misguidedly under the impression that tortoises were no trouble. They hibernate, she was told. They're one of those creatures that don't need any attention. She couldn't reconcile this description with her own particular specimen. He certainly didn't seem to bother hibernating. In fact he appeared to have difficulty in sleeping at all. Most of his time was spent powering around inside her van, his head fully out, stretching on scaly elephant's skin, his feet working ten to the dozen. He took no interest in things, only walked into them or over them. Even his food.

Belinda's grandmother had owned Smedley for thirty-five years. He had lived in her garden during this time, as happy as Larry. Belinda had been given him, in accordance with the will, and a small financial sum concomitant in quant.i.ty with thirty-five more years of carrots and greens. Interest linked.

Twenty-four and thirty-five. She calculated these two numbers every time she caught a glimpse of the tortoise, scuttling from the kitchenette to her bedroom, emerging from under her sofabed. Fifty-nine. I'll be fifty-nine years old, she thought desperately, when that b.l.o.o.d.y creature finally kicks the bucket. It was as if the tortoise had already stolen those years from her. I'll be sixty, she thought, I'll be retired. I won't even have the parrots any more. I won't be able to do back-flips or walk on my hands. Smedley had taken these things from her, had aged her prematurely, had, inexplicably, made her small trailer smell of Steradent and mothb.a.l.l.s.

It had been ten thirty when she'd returned. At ten forty someone knocked at her door. She pushed her slippers on, pulled her dressing gown tightly around her and yanked the door open. It was Marcus.

'What do you want?'

She stared into his face, slightly taller than him now, standing, as she was, on her top step. He said nothing, only handed her a note.

'What?' she asked again, taking it.

He bowed, low and formal, then walked off.

Belinda sat down on the top step and unfolded the note. It was written on onion paper. She always found onion paper quite peculiar. So light, so oniony. Very French.

The note said: Good evening Belinda, Eugenie told me that you thought I was drunk at dinner. Alas, no. I suffer from a speech impediment, a stammer, which in times of social tension can become terribly p.r.o.nounced. I apologize if this minor problem irritated you in any way. I can a.s.sure you that it irritates me in many ways, but, as they say, such is life. N'est-ce pas?

Marcus Although the tone of Marcus's note, the night of the dinner out, had been anything but hostile, Belinda spent the following five days trying and failing to apologize to him and to worm her way back into his affections. She found it extremely difficult to talk things over with a person who was virtually monosyllabic.

Because Marcus spoke so very little, he gave the appearance of listening much harder than your average person. Did he listen? Belinda couldn't decide. It felt like he did. She noticed how he became a kind of father confessor to all the tumblers, the acrobats, some of the clowns, the most beautiful tightrope walkers. He didn't strike her as particularly French. His accent-the rare smatterings that she heard-didn't sound especially Gallic.

In fact, both of Marcus's parents were English. They were a couple who had taken advantage of the Eighties property slump in France and had emigrated when he was eight. He was now eighteen. His stammer in French was much less p.r.o.nounced than in English, which struck him as rather strange.

One thing his stammer had taught him, however, was never to waste words. In general he tried only to say things that were incisive and pertinent. He preferred to avoid chit-chat. When others spoke to him, he slashed out gratuitous noises and phrases in his mind, a.n.a.lysed what they said, not with the gentle, non-judgemental sense of a confessor, but with the practised, cool, steady calm of a surgeon. For instance: Larry says: 'Marcus, tell me straight off if you think I'm out of line here, but I bet you'll find that the double back-flip after the hand-walking stuff isn't strictly necessary. I mean, it's great and everything but just a little distracting.'

Marcus hears: 'Don't upstage me, new boy'

Eugenie says: 'Wow! Those lycra things are fantastic. They look so comfy. They really do. I just love blue. I love that shade. It's my favourite colour. Are they durable? I suppose they must be French. The French are so stylish.'

Marcus hears: 'Let me get into your trousers.'

Belinda says: 'You really must come and meet my parrots. How about it? Tonight? After the show. If you're busy though, don't worry or anything. I mean, don't worry if you can't.'

Marcus hears: 'I'm sorry.'

In fact, Marcus was slightly off the mark with his interpretation of Belinda's babblings. The truth of the matter was that Belinda found him to be both aloof and disarming. She, too, wanted to charm the pants right off him.