Waiting. Part 13

He explained to her what was on his mind. To his surprise, she asked calmly, "Do you have the money?"

"No, I only have six hundred in the bank. Don't you have some savings?"

"Yes, a little." She didn't tell him the amount, which he was eager to know.

"Maybe we can borrow some from others if we decide to do it," he said. "What do you think?"

After a pause, she said, "If you don't have the money, don't think about it." She frowned and her lips tightened. Apparently she must have thought this matter over as well; he was amazed by her definitive answer.

He realized she was unwilling to share the cost if they decided to spend the money. This realization daunted him. Never had he thought that he could save such an amount by himself, not to mention borrow the money and pay back the debt alone. He asked her, "So what should we do? Just wait?"

"I don't know," she said despairingly. "I'm afraid that giving Bensheng money will be like hitting a dog with a meatball-nothing will come back. But I thought you must've saved that much, haven't you?"

"No, I only have six hundred."

"If you had the money, we might think of doing it."

"So we shouldn't try?"

"No." She turned away and resumed checking the daily record.

Silence filled the room. He felt ashamed, because by custom it was the man who should pay all the expenses to take his bride home. It was unreasonable for him to ask her for help. Perhaps he should never have talked with her about this matter.

9.

On Tuesday morning, Manna ran into Geng Yang at the bus stop in front of the hospital's theater. These days he had been busy packing up, sending his belongings to the train station, and paying farewell visits to his friends and fellow townsmen in the city. He told her, "I still have two of Lin's books with me. Can you come and take them back?"

"When will you be in?"

"Anytime this evening. I'll leave tomorrow afternoon."

She said she would come at around eight, since she worked the day s.h.i.+ft now. He grinned, his eyes s.h.i.+ning with a gleam which unnerved her slightly, as if some gnats were flying in his irises and yellowing the black. She turned and walked away, sure that he was observing her from behind. What hungry eyes he has, she thought.

Though often disturbed by Geng Yang's eyes, she rather liked him. In many ways he was more like a man to her, strong, straightforward, fearless, and even coa.r.s.e. She wished that Lin could be a little more like him, or that the two men could exchange some of their traits so that both their characters would be more balanced. Lin was too much of a gentleman, good-tempered and studious, with little manly pa.s.sion.

Lin had left for Shenyang City a week ago. After his departure, a feeling of peace had settled in Manna. She found herself not missing him very much. To some extent she enjoyed being alone, at least for a few weeks, during which she didn't need to wash laundry for Lin or have him on her mind constantly. But whenever she bickered with a colleague or something went awry at work, she wished Lin were around so that she could talk to him. This feeling made her realize that, in addition to forming a family and having children, a marriage might also provide an opportunity for a couple to talk and listen to each other, since they wouldn't dare speak their minds in public.

Having more time now, she registered in the hospital's night school to learn English, which had become popular after Richard Nixon's visit to China in 1972. Recently it was said that a foreign language exam would be required for a nurse to be promoted to a.s.sistant doctor. Before the 1960s Latin had been the only foreign language acceptable for the medical profession, but now both English and j.a.panese could fulfill the requirement. As a result, more than forty nurses enrolled for the night cla.s.s. At the time English dictionaries were difficult to come by, and Haiyan helped Manna buy a pocket copy through a relation of hers in town. Haiyan had married the previous summer and was also a head nurse now. Because she was pregnant, she wouldn't be attending the night school. The cla.s.s would start in a few days, on December 8. A woman lecturer from Muji Teachers College was to teach it.

In the evening, Manna set off for the Department of Infectious Diseases to fetch Lin's books. It was so cold that she could see the wisps of her breath. The moon was round and silvery, cleaving the clouds which were swaying like waves. Moonlight filtered through the naked branches and scattered dappled patches on the snowcovered ground. A few birds flew up in the darkness, their wings tw.a.n.ging and phosph.o.r.escent. Ahead of her, skeins of snow dust, blown up by the wind, were slithering and twisting. Under her feet the snow was crunchy while the wind was crying like a baby.

She raised the leatherette door curtain and entered the building, which was dim and quiet inside, as though deserted. Climbing the stairs, she couldn't help envying the nurses in charge of this building. Apparently they had fewer patients here and much less work to do.

Geng Yang, in gray pajamas, answered the door and let her in. The room reeked of alcohol, and the air was damp because of the steam rising from a wet jacket on the radiator beneath the window. The frosted panes were purplish against the night. She turned and looked at him; he grinned with bloodshot eyes as if to acknowledge his drunken state. His face was sallow in the fluorescent light, which rendered his cheeks concave and his mustache spiky. On the bed that Lin had once occupied lay an opened suitcase, partly filled with clothes and pillow towels of various colors-pink, orange, yellow, saffron. Obviously they were gifts from his men. Two thick novels, The Golden Broad Road The Golden Broad Road and and The Chronicle of the Red Flag, The Chronicle of the Red Flag, were on a bedside cabinet; next to the books stood a liquor bottle, short-necked and half empty. A picture of an ear of golden corn curved along the side of the bottle. were on a bedside cabinet; next to the books stood a liquor bottle, short-necked and half empty. A picture of an ear of golden corn curved along the side of the bottle.

"You're drowning yourself in this stuff again?" she said, pointing at the liquor. She took off her fur hat and put it under her arm.

"He-he-he," he chuckled. "Sit down, Manna. Let me ask you something." He went to the door and locked it.

"What?" she asked with a start, putting Lin's books into her satchel.

"Why are you so concerned about me?" His eyes were leering at her as he put both hands on her shoulders to make her sit down on the bed. She blushed and turned her head, facing the wall.

"Come on, look at me," he said. "Don't you have some good feelings about me?"

She was too fl.u.s.tered to reply, her heart throbbing. He went on, "Tell me, why did you buy me the strawberries?"

She was shocked. For a second she wanted to laugh, but she controlled herself.

Hearing no answer, he grasped her arm with his right hand. The grip was so forceful that she cried, "Take your hands off me!" Her hat dropped on the floor, but she couldn't bend down to pick it up.

"Listen to me, my little virgin. Am I not a better man than Lin Kong? Why are you so devoted to that sissy?"

"Who told you that about me?" she exclaimed. "Shameless, all men are shameless."

"Yes, I am a shameless man where pretty women are concerned."

"Geng Yang, you're drunk and out of your mind, or you wouldn't talk like this."

"No, my mind isn't drunk although my face is red. I know you are always interested in me. I saw that in your eyes. In fact I can smell that in a woman." He began coughing, covering his mouth with his palm. His breath was hot and sour.

"Let me go please."

"No, you can't."

"You're Lin's friend. How could you treat his fiancee this way? Don't you know the saying, 'A good man must never take liberties with his friend's wife'?"

He threw his head back and let out a laugh, which shook her heart. "How could a virgin be thought of as a wife?" he asked. "Do you believe Lin Kong will marry you? You aren't even his mistress, are you? He's no good and doesn't know how to handle a woman."

"Stop it. Let me go." She bent down and picked up her hat, but he grasped her shoulder and blocked her way.

He went on, "Wait, let me finish. He told me that he had never slept with you. How could he do that? I saw his d.i.c.k when we bathed together in the bathhouse. I've wondered ever since if he's a bis.e.xual."

His last sentence threw her into a daze. She held out her hand and grasped the bedpost to support herself. Then she thought, This cannot be true. Lin had a baby with Shuyu and his Adam's apple always juts out. If he weren't normal, he couldn't have pa.s.sed the recruitment physical. "Don't slander my man!" she cried out. "Let me go, or I'll scream."

Before she could say more, his large hand seized her throat. "Shut up!" he rasped. "If you shout again, I'll strangle you."

"Don't, don't hurt me. Geng Yang, you're a revolutionary officer and shouldn't do this. Please-"

"No, I'm not an officer anymore, so I don't care. Why should I? Now, you delivered yourself to me, didn't you? Didn't you come here of your own free will? Everybody will take you to be a s.l.u.t."

"You told me to come and pick up the books!"

"How can you prove that?"

He forced her down on the bed and began kissing and licking her face and neck while she struggled, begged, and wept. She tried wriggling her legs loose, but they were gripped between his. His right hand held both of her wrists, while his free hand went beneath her s.h.i.+rt and grasped her right breast and then her left. "Ah, you smell so good, delicious, but your b.r.e.a.s.t.s are small, you know?" His nose kept thrusting into her hair, beads of sweat glistening on his forehead.

She tried pus.h.i.+ng him away, but his body and his legs pinned her to the bed. Meanwhile, his left hand was unbuckling her belt and pulling down her pants. "Let go of me!" she groaned.

"My, you have a nice b.u.t.t."

"Geng Yang, spare me just this once, please! I'll come back to you tomorrow, I promise. You can do anything you want with me. I'm not ready now. Please-" She choked, feeling dizzy, her temples pounding and sparks splas.h.i.+ng in the air. His head looked twice the size it was.

"No. You think I don't know you're lying?" He pulled her over on her stomach and forcefully pressed his thumb on her spine at the small of her back. The pressure nearly made her black out. Her lower body turned numb; she felt injured. He spat on his fingertips and began rubbing her a.n.a.l cleft. She tried to hold her legs tight, but they felt no longer her own. She was sobbing, unable to fight back, her arms flailing helplessly on the bed.

"Look at this." He grabbed her hair and pulled her head around. She had never expected that the male organ could be so large; his was like a donkey's and terrified her.

"See how big my c.o.c.k is," he said, panting. "It's like a rolling pin, no, it's a little mortar."

"Please, don't. Don't do this to me! Oh-"

He pushed her face down on the bed. "Shut up! My c.o.c.k is designed to blast into an old virgin like you." As he was speaking, he pressed his organ into her, thrusting away like a dog.

She felt totally paralyzed, a numbing pain contracting her limbs, as though she were struggling for life in dark, freezing water. The white sheet turned black under her eyes, and a b.l.o.o.d.y taste sprang into her mouth. Suddenly rage flamed up in her chest and words gushed out of her throat. "I curse your whole clan! d.a.m.n you, you'll be childless. Your parents will drop dead next year."

"Say whatever you want. My parents are dead and I already have two sons."

"They'll die like homeless dogs!"

"Oh ... ah ... ah!" He came, still rocking on her.

"d.a.m.n you, your sons will be run over by trucks!"

He pushed her face into the bed and instantly her voice was smothered. She tried to twist her head aside so that she could breathe, but his hand nailed her neck down. Meanwhile his body was still wriggling on her. She was choking and had to use all her strength to breathe in a little air through the stinking sheet and cotton mattress.

As he stopped writhing, he released his grip of her neck. The moment he got up from her, she coughed and gasped, then resumed swearing.

"What did you say, b.i.t.c.h?" He pulled her up by the collar.

"You'll be the last of your father's line!" she said through her clenched teeth, her eyes flas.h.i.+ng.

"Shut up!" He slapped her, and she fell on the bed again. Her hands were trembling, holding up her pants and buckling the belt.

He moved away and lay down on his back on the other bed and closed his eyes. "I've got what I wanted." He chuckled. "You can go tell anyone you want to. Let the leaders have me arrested or expelled from the Party. I don't care. They can punish me in any way they like. But think twice before you do that. Who will believe you?" He lit a cigarette, then grabbed the liquor bottle by its neck and took a gulp. "You know, if you weren't a virgin, I would've given you this." He waved the bottle, chuckling again. Then he began a hacking cough.

Without a word she s.n.a.t.c.hed up her hat, unlocked the door and rushed out. As she was running toward the stairwell, the corridor echoed with the thud of her heavy boots. She stumbled at the landing but grasped the iron gooseneck of the handrail. She bolted down the stairs and reached the front entrance, where the black door curtain faced her like a huge mouth. She pushed it aside and dashed out. Once outside, she began having double vision. Houses and trees were swimming around, and the white road seemed like a cloud under her feet, while the wind was howling from behind as though chasing her. A hundred yards later she slipped and fell into the snow. Unable to get up, she threw a few handfuls of snow on her face and swallowed two mouthfuls. The icy water, which had a rusty flavor, went down her throat and stung her esophagus and stomach, but it cleared her head a little. She climbed to her feet and staggered back to the dormitory.

Fortunately none of her roommates was in, two having gone to the movies and one to work. Lying on her bed, Manna wept for half an hour while wondering what to do. She thought about reporting the rape to the leaders, but wondered if it was wise to do that. Will they believe me? she asked herself. I went to his room of my own accord. Won't they say I offered myself to him? For sure Geng Yang will deny he forced me. He'll say I tried to seduce him, then I won't be able to clear myself. I have no witness and can't prove my innocence, let alone my being a rape victim. Heavens, what should I do? If only Lin were here. No, he couldn't help me either. How I hate Lin! It was he who told that man I was a virgin. Without him, this would never have happened to me. Why did he make friends with that wolf?

Then the thought came that she should let Geng Yang's s.e.m.e.n drain out of her in order to prevent pregnancy. She opened her pants and saw a wet, reddish patch on her panties, as large as a palm. She felt sure there must be more s.e.m.e.n left in her, so she placed her washbasin on the floor and squatted over it, waiting for the remaining s.e.m.e.n to drip out. Meanwhile she couldn't help sobbing. Her thighs, sprained, were aching and shaking, and not only her pants but the entire room smelled fishy. She felt as though all her clothes had been soaked with that man's s.e.m.e.n, which seemed to be giving her stomach spasms. She started retching and moved her bottom aside to vomit into the basin.

Having squatted in the corner for almost twenty minutes, she was terrified to realize that not a drop of s.e.m.e.n had drained out. She remembered the burning moment of his e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n, which had lasted for almost half a minute. Does this mean that his sperm has already gone deep into my uterus and found an ovum? she wondered. No, it can't be so quick, can it?

She stood up, put on a fresh pair of pajamas, and picked up the basin. With a towel over her shoulder, she went out to fetch some water. Once she was out of the bedroom, the cold air in the drafty corridor made her wince, and she felt her face p.r.i.c.kling and clammy, as though it were swollen. This couldn't have been inflicted by the slap, which had landed on her jaw. Soon her entire face began smarting. Apparently Geng Yang's saliva was still stinging her skin. In the washroom, she emptied the basin and filled it with cold water, scrubbing her face with the towel again and again. She changed water three times, but the reek of his saliva seemed to cling to her skin. She remembered when she was a child, a yellow-banded caterpillar had once stung her neck; now the same kind of p.r.i.c.kle was all over her face and throat.

Back in the bedroom, she took off her clothes and began was.h.i.+ng herself in hopes of getting rid of the fishy odor and the remaining s.e.m.e.n in her. The odor, however, didn't disappear; it was as if everything in the room were impregnated with it. She thought of burning her panties, but it occurred to her that they might be useful as evidence, so she wrapped them up in a s.h.i.+rt and put the bundle on the wooden board under her bed. As for the s.e.m.e.n, even after she had jumped up and down thirty times, not a drop of it came out. She had no idea how much of it had entered her uterus. This uncertainty frightened her.

That night, not daring to arouse her roommates' suspicion, she covered her head with her quilt and wept noiselessly, unable to decide whether she should tell somebody about the rape. How she was longing to cry in a pair of warm, reliable arms and let out everything bottled up in her. Or if only she had had a house for herself, where she could cry to her heart's content and yell at the top of her lungs without being heard by others. But in this small room shared by four people, she kept her left hand around her throat all the while, until the weeping exhausted her and she fell asleep.

10.

Manna's eyes became blue-lidded the next morning. The nurses in the Medical Ward asked her why she looked so pallid, and they advised her to take a day off. She told them that she was allergic to the fried beltfish they had eaten the day before, but she felt much better now. She was amazed by her ability to come up with such an answer. For the whole morning, whenever the telephone rang, she would rush to answer it. Despite having a tearing headache and intense hatred for Geng Yang, she was expecting to hear from him, because she fancied that he might apologize to her and blame alcohol for what had happened. It seemed to her that the whole thing wasn't over yet. If he called and begged her for forgiveness, she wouldn't forgive him, and instead she would give him a round of blood-curdling curses.

Not having heard from him by midday, she phoned the Department of Infectious Diseases and was told that Geng Yang had checked out early in the morning, that a new patient had just moved into the room, and that a satchel containing some books had been left in the nurses' office for her to pick up. This information brought a flood of tears from her. Evidently Geng Yang had planned the rape. But it was too late to have him detained, as he had left Muji and the crime scene had been transformed.

What should she do? She was at a loss.

In the afternoon she tried keeping herself busy by doing whatever she could-wiping clean all the tables and chairs in the office, fetching boiled water for some patients, sorting and listing the sacks of holiday gifts donated by civilians-shoe pads, tobacco pouches, notebooks, preserved fruits, woolen gloves, candies. Hard as she tried, she couldn't concentrate on anything. Geng Yang's ghostly face would thrust itself into her view from time to time. Lacking an appet.i.te, she didn't eat dinner that evening.

She had no friend except for Haiyan. Unable to hold back her feelings any longer, she went the next evening to Haiyan's home, which was in a dormitory house at the east end of the hospital compound. Haiyan's husband, Honggan, was an officer in charge of recreational activities in the Propaganda Section. Haiyan had married him mainly because he could write and speak well; she had once revealed to Manna that she would never marry a doctor, who in her eyes was no more than a well-trained technician. She wanted an abler man.

"Come on in, Manna," Haiyan said, pleased to see her.

Her husband was clearing the dining table. At the sight of Manna, he nodded and turned off the radio. He was a tall man with a carbuncular face and two gold teeth. Although Haiyan was happy with her marriage, many people would comment behind her back, "A fresh rose is planted on a cowpat."

"Haiyan," Manna whispered, "I want to talk to you. This is something just between us, very personal."

Haiyan took her into the bedroom. "What is it?" she asked, placing both hands on her protruding belly. She had been pregnant for five months.

"I-I was raped."

"What?"

"I was raped by Geng Yang."

"How did it happen?"

"He lured me into his room and raped me."

"Slow down. Say it clearly. What do you mean he lured you into his room?"

In a shaky voice Manna described how he had invited her to the ward and what he had done to her. Tears were trickling down her face. Now and then her tongue stuck out licking the tears from her upper lip.

Honggan cried from the other room, "Haiyan, I've left some hot water on the stove. If you want tea, you can use it. I'm leaving now."

"Where are you going?"