Pure Dead Brilliant Part 1

Pure Dead Brilliant.

Debi Gliori.

Dramatis Personae.

THE FAMILY.

t.i.tUS STREGA-BORGIA-about-to-be-thirteen-year-old hero.

PANDORA STREGA-BORGIA-ten-year-old heroine DAMP STREGA-BORGIA-their two-year-old sister SIGNOR LUCIANO AND SIGNORA BACI STREGA-BORGIA-parents of the above.

STREGA-NONNA- great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother (cryogenically preserved) of t.i.tus, Pandora, and Damp DON LUCIFER DI S'EMBOWELLI BORGIA-half brother of Luciano Strega-Borgia NOSTRILAMUS, MALEFICA OF CALEDON-long-dead ancestor of the Borgia clan THE GOOD HELP THAT WAS HARD TO FIND..

MRS. FLORA MCLACHLAN-nanny to t.i.tus, Pandora, and Damp LATCH-butler at StregaSchloss MARIE BAIN-possibly the worst cook in the Western Hemisphere.

THE BEASTS.

ALPHA-centaur and librarian TARANTELLA-spider with att.i.tude.

SAB, FFUP, and KNOT-mythical Schloss dungeon beasts NESTOR-Ffup's infant son TOCK-crocodile inhabitant of Schloss moat MULt.i.tUDINA, THE ILLITERAT-rat, mother to mult.i.tudes, and Pandora's pet TERMINUS-daughter of the above THE SLEEPER-Scottish unreconstructed-male mythical beast.

THE HOUSEGUESTS.

ARIADNE VENTETE-student witch and balloonist HECATE BRINSTONE-student witch.

BLACK DOUGLAS-student witch and yoga tutor FIAMMA D'INFER-student witch and impostor a.s.sORTED PROTO-SORCERERS-an additional eight students from the Inst.i.tute of Applied Witchcraft THE IMMORTALS.

ASTOROTH-Second Minister of the Hadean Executive, with special responsibility for pacts and soul harvests.

THE BOSS-Astoroth's online manager, First Minister of the Hadean Executive.

A Note to the Reader.

There are few things more confusing for tourists than the Scottish population's halfhearted adoption of the 24-hour clock. Hapless tourists are asked to adhere to bus, train, and airplane timetables that lurch giddily between normal time (the train will depart at 5:30 P.M.) and 24-hour time (the train will depart at 17:30). The author apologizes on behalf of all ma.s.s-transportation companies, and advises her readers to seriously consider using an Alarming Clock for all their future travel needs.

Slander, Defame & Grabbit Attorneys-at-Law.

The Old Vaults.

Litigants Close.

Auchenlochtermuchty.

Argyll.

Dr. A. Aunt.

c/o Egg & After.

Suite 34001, Nutmeg Towers.

Canary Wharf.

London.

Publication of defamatory material impugning character.

and proclivities of T. & F. Strega-Borgia.

Dear Sir/Madam:.

My esteemed clients Tock Strega-Borgia Esq., Master Nestor, and Miss Ffup Strega-Borgia have brought to my attention a copy of your publication (July b.u.mper edition) in which they were distressed to discover that their names, reputations, legitimacy, and intellectual capabilities had all been mentioned in a disrespectful, nay, slanderous manner. Not wis.h.i.+ng to further impugn the good name of Strega-Borgia, my clients wish me to convey to you the terms under which they are prepared to "forgive and forget."

In the first instance, my clients demand that you print a fulsome apology to them in your magazine in a type size no less than 48 point, and spanning no less than one full double-page spread. This apology to be printed in the "mega holiday read" August edition.

Second, my clients are desirous of some form of material compensation to allay the considerable mental anguish caused them by your devastating attack on their good name. I would suggest that a sum of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds would suffice.

Finally, my clients would like to stress their direct connection through a blood tie to a large Italian clan, better known as the Mafia. It hardly needs to be said that some of these relatives would be inclined, if informed about your recent "indiscretion," to take more than a pa.s.sing interest in slanderous journalists writing about Family members.

Capisce?.

Yours sincerely,

Sr. Dormi Piscatelli w.s. ("The Shark").

Kiss of Death.

t.i.tus decided that if there were a b.u.t.ton to press that would cause his sister to reincarnate as a c.o.c.kroach, he would push it without a moment's hesitation. He stood outside her bedroom door, seething, as he read the notice taped to the oak paneling:.

PANDORA'S ROOM.

entry is absolutely forbidden to any of the following: brothers dweebs.

possessors of smelly pits & dog's breath one-celled amoebas with memory of goldfish smug, rich jerks.

the terminally plug-ugly the criminally insane

and especially the vertically challenged over 12 yrs.

t.i.tus, all of the above describe you, so bog off.

Yours Cordially, Pandora Strega-Borgia.

Pandora's Room

StregaSchloss

Argyll

Scotland.

United Kingdom

Europe

Western Hemisphere.

Earth

The Universe

The Galaxy.

"Just because I'm about to inherit all Grandfather Borgia's money and you're broke doesn't mean you have to be so aggressive." t.i.tus's voice bounced off the door and down the landing, but brought no answering response from within. He pressed his mouth up to the keyhole and tried again. "Some people just can't handle other people's good fortune, can they, Pandora?"