The Football Fan's Manifesto Part 1

The Football Fan's Manifesto.

by Michael Tunison

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

This book would not exist without the work of Johan Gutenberg, Al Gore, and the Rooney family. Also, these people: First and foremost, my family: my mom and dad, Christina, Angie, Marissa, Alexandra, and Colleen.

My second, hipper, blacker family: Kevin Merida and Donna Britt, who drove me to start writing and are therefore responsible for every bad joke in this book; the immensely talented Hamani Britt-Gibson, who owes me twenty dollars; and my weekly football confidant and TV murderer Darrell Britt-Gibson.

Internet d.i.c.k-joke-slinging brethren: Drew Magary, Matt Ufford, Jack KoG.o.d, Joshua Zerkle, and the shadowy figure that is flubby. As well as our Uproxx benefactors Jarret Myer and Brian Brater. And Jerry Thompson, who makes it run smoothly.

JoAnn Bruch, to whom I owe my all-consuming football fanaticism.

My editor Matthew Benjamin: You took a chance on me and made this mystifying process remarkably easy. Apologies again for all the bukkake jokes in the first draft.

Much thanks to my compatriots in Web-based onanistic sportswriting for continued support, inspiration, and Brazzers.com log-ins: Will Leitch, Nick Dallamora, Sarah Sprague, Mike Florio, Stefan Fatsis, DJ Gallo, Spencer Hall, Brian Powell, Raquel Frisardi, Dan Shanoff, Matt Johnson, Gourmet Spud, Brooks Melchior, The Mighty MJD, Vince Mancini, Dan Levy, Chris Cooley, Wright Thompson, Cajun Boy, Chris Cotter, Michael Gra.s.s, Rob Iracane, J. E. Skeets, Grimey, Scott Van Pelt, the Brothers Mottram, Sarah Schorno, Dan Steinberg, Enrico Campitelli Jr., and A. J. Daulerio.

Friends, well-wishers, and people who don't wish me any specific harm: Ralston Yorrick, Jessica Rinne, Aaron Andzik, Joe Nese, Barbara Lindell, Vanessa Parra, Lana Chung, Rob Ullman, Candice Bloch, Jon Lewis, Elahe Izadi, Ben Domenech, Adam Claus, and Rachel Freedenberg.

Katie, Sterling, Nena, Sal, Sc.r.a.ppy, Jobie, and the rest of folks at the Pour House with whom I share my boozy autumn Sundays and screaming fits.

The readers and commenters at Kissing Suzy Kolber: When they aren't cussing me out or dismissively commenting "meh" on my posts, they're making me eternally grateful not to be writing any more ten-inch stories on county council meetings. Thanks, a.s.sholes!

ARTICLE I.

The Supremacy of Football

I.1 Other Major Sports Are Inherently Inferior to Pro Football and Therefore Unworthy of Our Time.

Professional football is the undisputed G.o.d-king of American sports. It always has been so, even back in the times when we hadn't quite realized it yet. The mere existence of pro football obviates the need for all other contests of athletic skill, yet these other "sports" (parlor games, really) remain despite their complete and utter irrelevance. Why we abide by such unnecessary, quasi-athletic diversions when we have the game of football is a testament to our modern excess.

To be fair, these other "sports" do serve some minor purpose. And not only to give us something to mock. Because the NFL has yet to genetically produce elite athletes able to withstand the rigors of a year-round schedule (why the hold up?), we're left with nearly seven desolate months of no meaningful football. During these dark times of despair, some of these lesser sports are all we have to stave off the clammy hands of adult responsibilities and a social life. They're pa.s.sable, if barely adequate, distractions to fill the hours until the late summer rolls around. That's all. Nothing more. Certainly nothing to get worked up about.

However-and it should come as a great shock-there are depraved individuals out there who maintain that some of these other "sports" can produce a level of enjoyment on par with the NFL. The sickest among these deviants even insist that others sports can provide a preferable preferable viewing experience to professional football. As if such a thing were actually possible. Wrongheaded as this belief is, our permissive, increasingly soccer-tolerant culture has allowed it to propagate in certain circles with an air of acceptance. It's high time we set the record straight. In doing so, hopefully we can reach these woefully misinformed souls before they do something unforgivable like purchase season tickets to the Red Sox. viewing experience to professional football. As if such a thing were actually possible. Wrongheaded as this belief is, our permissive, increasingly soccer-tolerant culture has allowed it to propagate in certain circles with an air of acceptance. It's high time we set the record straight. In doing so, hopefully we can reach these woefully misinformed souls before they do something unforgivable like purchase season tickets to the Red Sox.

Baseball-In 1987, Was.h.i.+ngton Post Was.h.i.+ngton Post columnist Thomas Boswell memorably attempted, and epically failed, to enumerate ninety-nine reasons why baseball is better than football. Of course it didn't take him more than five to screw the whole thing up. Singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at Wrigley Field is supposed to be a virtue? I guess that's a possibility if one were to disregard the famously awful renditions by Ozzy Osbourne, Jeff Gordon, and dozens of other celebrity duffers. More to the point, the Major League Baseball regular season lasts approximately two and a half lifetimes and feels at least three times that long. A columnist Thomas Boswell memorably attempted, and epically failed, to enumerate ninety-nine reasons why baseball is better than football. Of course it didn't take him more than five to screw the whole thing up. Singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at Wrigley Field is supposed to be a virtue? I guess that's a possibility if one were to disregard the famously awful renditions by Ozzy Osbourne, Jeff Gordon, and dozens of other celebrity duffers. More to the point, the Major League Baseball regular season lasts approximately two and a half lifetimes and feels at least three times that long. A Lord of the Rings Lord of the Rings movie doesn't drag on as much. By the time it gets halfway interesting in September and October, football season has already begun. Poor timing on your part, movie doesn't drag on as much. By the time it gets halfway interesting in September and October, football season has already begun. Poor timing on your part, besuboru besuboru. Half the players in the league now require the services of an interpreter to tell fans to f.u.c.k off (at least have the courtesy to cuss me out in my own language, Ichiro). The game falls back on its puffed-up long-gone era of cultural import; meanwhile, MLB playoff playoff games draw about half the audience of an NFL regular season contest. And any sport that considers Bartolo Colon an athlete immediately gets b.u.mped down to second-tier status. At least the fatties in football can block. Unless they play for the Rams. games draw about half the audience of an NFL regular season contest. And any sport that considers Bartolo Colon an athlete immediately gets b.u.mped down to second-tier status. At least the fatties in football can block. Unless they play for the Rams.Basketball-Thanks, but I prefer to stick with sports that I know are only probably probably fixed. Not to mention those whose leagues aren't teetering on the brink of insolvency. Contraction is a very real threat for several NBA teams, which figures to ruin the lives of nearly dozens of rabid hoop fans. Besides, the NBA Playoffs drag on about as long as the baseball regular season. The perennial powerhouse Spurs might be the most unlikeable team in all of sports. The most compelling story line in recent years is the never-ending drama surrounding LeBron James's eventual departure from Cleveland, as though anyone found LeBron even remotely likeable. And, okay, sure, college basketball is a hoot (for about a month, anyway), but anything that Duke excels at is ruined for all parties involved. Not to mention the disconcerting correlation between getting older and the creepiness of getting emotional about teenagers committing to a certain school. fixed. Not to mention those whose leagues aren't teetering on the brink of insolvency. Contraction is a very real threat for several NBA teams, which figures to ruin the lives of nearly dozens of rabid hoop fans. Besides, the NBA Playoffs drag on about as long as the baseball regular season. The perennial powerhouse Spurs might be the most unlikeable team in all of sports. The most compelling story line in recent years is the never-ending drama surrounding LeBron James's eventual departure from Cleveland, as though anyone found LeBron even remotely likeable. And, okay, sure, college basketball is a hoot (for about a month, anyway), but anything that Duke excels at is ruined for all parties involved. Not to mention the disconcerting correlation between getting older and the creepiness of getting emotional about teenagers committing to a certain school.College Football-The b.a.s.t.a.r.d cousin of professional football exists solely as a refuge for aged frat boys and Southerners. Proponents will harangue you endlessly about its superiority to the pro game, claiming that the atmosphere at a college football game is far more raucous than its professional counterpart and that student athletes play for love, not money (okay, love, under-the-table gifts from the university, the promise of future riches, boylike adulation from boosters, and poon up to your hairline). All this is actually fairly accurate, but ultimately moot, because the NCAA refuses to implement a playoff system, opting to continue with its convoluted Bowl Champions.h.i.+p Series, which leads to the annual s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g of more deserving teams in favor of USC and Ohio State. It may be true that the way college football conducts overtime is technically fairer, since each team is guaranteed at least one possession. Problem is, it takes G.o.dd.a.m.n forever. I will say in college football's defense that at least Duke sucks at it.Soccer-Soccer fans will never fail to remind you that there are more people around the globe who follow "the Beautiful Game" than what they dismissively refer to as "American football." That's all well and good, Ronaldinminihinho, but there are also more people around the world living in abject poverty than in America, so let's all jump on that bandwagon too!Rugby-I'm not even sure rugby fans actually like their sport so much as they enjoy snottily explaining to you how much tougher rugby is than football because rugby players don't wear helmets or pads. Rugby could actually be fun to watch, but you'll get so tired of the bombardment of smug coming from the guy who spent a summer abroad in Australia that you'll never actually bother to check it out. That, and their fans wear scarves. You know the other type of fans who love scarves? Harry Potterphiles. From this we can conclude that rugby is one step removed from Quidditch.NASCAR-Fess up, racing fans. This is just an excuse to spend an entire day getting plastered, isn't it? Not that football isn't, but at least football fans don't make it quite so obvious. Nor do they need a hefty supply of OxyContin to make it through the sheer crus.h.i.+ng repet.i.tion that is watching cars circle a track eight thousand times.Formula One-Like NASCAR, but for foreigners, meaning it's even more boring and n.o.body is allowed to pa.s.s anyone else.Tennis-If the argument in favor of tennis doesn't begin and end with Ana Ivanovic, Serena Williams, and Maria Sharapova, then you're wasting your breath. Your heaving, luscious breath. Whew. Excuse me.Golf-Mark Twain's famed axiom that the game is "a good walk spoiled" doesn't quite tell the whole story. It's a waste of a lot of money too. Sure, Tiger Woods is amazing, but even when he plays injured, he still blows the field away. Where's the drama in that? John Daly does tailgate like a pro, however.Boxing-Because the sweet science has been off the radar of the casual sports fan for such a long period of time, it's mostly the purists that have hung on to keep this sport afloat. And my G.o.d, they're f.u.c.king annoying.Scripps National Spelling Bee-Most viewers would not categorize a spelling bee as a sporting contest, but there it is on ESPN each spring. Worse than watching the Indian kid get screwed out of the t.i.tle every year is observing all the twee Decemberist-listening pseudo-intellectual fans fetis.h.i.+zing a contest that requires inflexible rote memorization and no imagination while crowing about how they can spell "postlapsarian" off the top of their head. I hope they get run over by a newspaper truck.Bowling-Jerome Bettis once bowled a 300 game, which proves anyone can bowl their weight. It just so happens that this corresponds to a perfect game.Billiards-Difficult to back a sport where ads for instructional tapes on how to make trick shots are more entertaining than the sport itself.World Series of Poker-Two journalists have written captivating books about trying their hands at playing professional football. Though Paper Lion Paper Lion and and A Few Seconds of Panic A Few Seconds of Panic are thrilling accounts of the exploits of George Plimpton with the Detroit Lions and Stefan Fatsis with the Denver Broncos, it is clear they are overwhelmed by the level of compet.i.tion that they face. Meanwhile, writer James Mc-Ma.n.u.s takes a crack at the World Series of Poker in are thrilling accounts of the exploits of George Plimpton with the Detroit Lions and Stefan Fatsis with the Denver Broncos, it is clear they are overwhelmed by the level of compet.i.tion that they face. Meanwhile, writer James Mc-Ma.n.u.s takes a crack at the World Series of Poker in Positively Fifth Street Positively Fifth Street and d.a.m.n near wins the whole tournament. Viz: If a journalist can do it well, it isn't a sport. and d.a.m.n near wins the whole tournament. Viz: If a journalist can do it well, it isn't a sport.Hockey-I thought we were only covering major sports here. Okay, okay. Easy now, hockey fans. Don't go pelting my house with squid. I know your sport is enjoying a minor resurgence in recent years. That's gotta put you on pace to overtake the runaway freight train of popularity that is the rock paper scissors champions.h.i.+p circuit any year now.

I.2 A People's History of Football Fanaticism It was back in the time of the ancients (sometime pre-merger, I believe) that G.o.d gave unto man His only begotten sport, that of the most holy game of football. Man, being mired in benighted acts of civilization-building and fundamental scientific discovery, was not yet ready to accept this altogether amazing gift. Instead, humankind p.i.s.sed away centuries occupying itself with the disgusting perversions of soccer and rugby before eventually coming to its collective senses. As with most things, the blame can be laid at the unwashed, hairy feet of the Europeans.

The figure responsible for humanity's overdue crawl from the muck was a man named Walter Camp, a visionary American hero in the truest and most bada.s.sed sense, despite the fact that he attended Yale and was therefore probably a privileged a.s.shole. Camp saw the flaws inherent in lesser football imitations and implemented critical changes, including establis.h.i.+ng the line of scrimmage, down-and-distance rules, and the two-point safety, and making what can be considered a holding penalty as vague and open to arbitrary interpretation by referees as possible. Soon, a golden age was born.

In the generations since Camp laid these foundations of the game, professional football has supplanted baseball as our country's most popular sport. Football accomplished this with the canny strategy of offering a spectacle that's actually interesting and fun to watch. Somehow that seemed to resonate with people. This was not always the case. Long ago, the leather-headed greats of the past lined up in austere formations and dove into sloppy, sepiatoned piles. It was kind of like how the Tennessee t.i.tans run their offense nowadays, sans LenDale White shedding fast-food wrappers as he waddles down the field.

Much has changed in the NFL's roughly ninety years of operation. It's a much more offensively oriented game now. A defender who even so much as thinks of hitting an opposing quarterback or receiver outside his league-mandated "contact zone" (a two-inch area located on the chest between the jersey numbers) stands to get penalized for roughing the pa.s.ser or pa.s.s interference and likely charged with second-degree aggravated a.s.sault (first degree if they have the gall to tackle him).

One thing that has not changed is the endlessly intricate and nacho-intensive nature of football fandom. Even with modern game-neutering provisions (if you can't horse-collar tackle, how is Roy Williams expected to play the game?), the visceral excitement of watching pro football is without equal. That is, unless you're a fan of the Detroit Lions, in which case crocheting oven cozies is probably as engrossing and certainly more rewarding. In its ascension to the lofty heights of utterly ineffable awesomeness, the game has come to be littered with a mult.i.tude of arcane procedures, involved formations, and labyrinthine rules. For most players, the learning curve is measured in years and drunk-driving arrests. Football fandom has no fewer complexities, filled as it is with an endless supply of argued-over details, unspoken rules, and Byzantine game-day routines. Lacking an ironclad catechism for fandom, tons of NFL followers succ.u.mb to the pitfalls of face-painting, pink jerseys, and network pregame shows each year. This is a sad fate to befall anyone, even the already unfortunate fans in Green Bay.

To be a truly hard-core fan, one must be inured to the highly regimented lifestyle that drives grown men to invest all of their emotional energy, lingering shreds of sanity, and disposable income to live vicariously through other, overgrown men they'll probably never meet (and if they do, wish they hadn't), who are paid handsomely by a corporation with yearly revenue in the billions. Other than their seven-figure salaries, extensive perks, and adulation, what do these athletes have to live for? Fans give these men purpose, and they in turn give fans a figure of wors.h.i.+p. The circle of life, it twirls on. Will you, the fan, be asked to sacrifice to keep it moving? No, because asking implies that you have an option. Baseball fans ask. That's why they fail.

I.3 The Football Fan Is the Next Evolution of Man To the layperson, the above football fan may come across as contented and entertained, if not in an alcohol-induced catatonic state. But behind the drunken haze lies a troubled and sorely bereft fan aching for the most basic accoutrements of true NFL fanhood. Where is his laptop to get live fantasy scoring updates? Is he watching on HD with a satellite package or simply relying on national networks to dictate which game he watches? His food options are also shockingly thin, to say nothing of the staggering lack of NFL licensed gear adorning his person. If his team is to perform well, who is he to mock? If they lose, who can he get into a fist fight with?

This man deserves better. Likely he is only carving out a meager allotment of time with football so that later he can repair to what he considers to be more important tasks. That's bulls.h.i.+t, of course. Fanhood is bigger than life. It's part of the larger cause of advancing the interests of your team. Football fans oftentimes get a bad rap. We are considered the most boorish, the most idiotic, the most violent, and the most Zubaz-pants clad of all spectators in the sporting world. All this, of course, is completely true, but is that such a bad thing? Well, except the Zubaz pants-those things really are horrendous. The rest you should embrace.

Counting sixteen regular season games, up to four postseason games (fans of the Bengals, Rams, Lions, and Raiders please disregard), four or five agonizingly pointless preseason games, the Pro Bowl, and the two days of the draft, fans get less than one full month each year to spend watching their favorite team do anything remotely football-related. The other 330 or so days are about filling blank s.p.a.ce, a task that becomes more and more difficult with each pa.s.sing off-season. Seriously, any chance we can get some free tickets for having to go through that s.h.i.+t? At least a team schedule printed on a refrigerator magnet? Anything?

To make matters worse, with each year football as we knew and loved it is being wrest away. Roger "Fidel" Goodell, in his brief tenure as commissioner, has shown the unyielding iron fist of a tyrant in trying to shape the league into the anodyne version of football that he has convinced himself will broaden its appeal. Included in his authoritarian bag of tricks are expanding and cracking down on what he considers an excessive show of force on the field with an outrageously liberal application of fines. At the same time, Goodell autocratically attempts to curb our American-born right to enjoy football as loutishly as we like with an oppressive fan-conduct policy. In response to a spate of fines of his teammates, Troy Polamalu (the heavily tressed Pro Bowl safety of the Pittsburgh Steelers), dubbed the machinations of exalted chairman Goodell as the transformation of the NFL into a "pansy league." Though Polamalu was only referring to the tactics Goodell has employed to neuter the sport of its core toughness on the field, we would like to think the soft-spoken but hard-hitting Samoan was also alluding to the lengths the Ginger Generalissimo has gone to Disney-fy the game on its periphery, alienating its established base of fans in favor of attracting the kind of lifeless, halfhearted spectators who characterize a baseball crowd.

The metaphor of football as warfare has always struck some as ridiculous, but in recent years it has become more apt, if only for the way armed conflicts and professional football are presented to us in increasingly sanitized ways. Certainly, the ugliness is scrubbed from each for different reasons: war, so the country can continue to wage them without losing public opinion; football, so the league can cozy up to tight-a.s.sed corporations and the so-called family market those companies covet. But we want the truth, warts and all. The game is dirty, violent, and ugly and meant both to excite us and make us a bit uncomfortable. In turn, we should not be expected to act like we're watching a match at Wimbledon.

To those with the fort.i.tude and the desire to meet the standards of a steel-willed, ravaged-livered fanatic, I urge you to press on, flask and giant foam finger in hand. Being a true fan is a lifelong commitment more demanding than either your career or your marriage (that is, if you happen to be saddled with such things-please note that they are fine distractions for the spring and summer but they only serve as enc.u.mbrances come autumn time). Ultimately, it's the fandom that sustains you and gives you purpose, not to mention a socially acceptable excuse to get sloppy drunk for weekends at a time. More importantly, it gives you a fellows.h.i.+p with others who follow the creed and live the code. These are the people who understand you, who spill beer on you and call you nasty hate-filled epithets in the parking lot. In short, they are extensions of yourself, but in a way that doesn't make you s.e.xually uncomfortable. Well, most of the time. People can be excused for getting carried away when the team wins.

ARTICLE II.

The Fundamentals of Fandom

II.1 Pick a Team, Any Team. Just Pick One and Only One Picking a team is the most important decision of your life, so don't screw it up by picking the Lions and know what you're getting into if you pick the Cowboys (being loathed). Time is of the essence, so don't be like Brett Favre and drag out your decision for an eternity. The absolute deadline to pick a team is your eighth birthday. Before that, you are in sports infancy and can be as w.i.l.l.y-nilly and bandwagon-p.r.o.ne with your fandom as your wee widdle heart desires. Up until the third grade, kids don't understand even the basic principles and pathologies of rooting for a team. Because kids are stupid. At that critical eighth year, something activates in the brain that solidifies sports allegiance. Ask any neurologist, they'll back me up on this. It's science. Political leanings can be fluid. You can have an epiphany later in life that can make you change parties, change philosophies, h.e.l.l, even change gender, but if at any point after that eighth birthday, even so much as one day later you switch teams, you are rendered a failure as a person and subject to public shunning and completely justified brutality.

There are any number of factors that can determine who your favorite team may be. For most, it's a matter of where they spent their childhood or who their parents pulled for. These are perfectly reasonable and probably the most universally accepted justifications for liking a team. But they should not be considered the only ones.

Contrary to the hometown rule, you can latch onto a team for any number of superficial reasons. For example, Chiefs fans share a common love for suffering multiple heart attacks before the age of forty. Others may be captivated by one superstar athlete. You can be stuck in an area that skirts several fan-base boundaries. h.e.l.l, you can adopt a team for otherwise contemptible causes, picking one that wins all the time or even one that has uniforms and a logo you like. For the latter two, you're going to have to make up another excuse when someone asks you the origin of your fandom. Under no circ.u.mstances should you divulge those disgraceful enticements.

What matters most here is the timing. As long as you commit to a team early enough in life, no one can question you for it. Though they will find a way to insult you, it's because that's the way football discourse works. And, of course, you can never switch teams for any reason other than your team relocating from a city. If the overwhelming power of your allegiance demands you to follow that team to its new hometown, more power to you, but you are by no means compelled to do so. Just remember, don't pick the Browns. Or the Bills. And G.o.d help you if you end up with the Texans. But then, He only helps those who help themselves, leaving you doubly forsaken.

2.2 Who You Root for Defines Who You Are Maybe you thought the choice of your favorite team really was an offhand decision you could make based solely on who has the coolest uniforms or which player endorsed your favorite car dealers.h.i.+p. Maybe think again. Even though Haroldson's Toyota is the t.i.ts, there are many other more important considerations, life-lasting ones, to account for before making this most critical selection.

No matter which team you settle on as you own, a set of prevailing stereotypes and shorthand a.s.sociations will immediately be a.s.signed to you by fans of other teams and by the media at large. Knowing these beforehand will prove instructive and may inform your selection process. After all, you'll want to know why everybody else at Gillette Stadium only boos the black players.

Arizona Cardinals-Now that the team's been to a Super Bowl, people actually realize that you exist. Moreover, once the team made it to the dance, Arizona Cardinals fans themselves finally came into existence, as if the NFC champions.h.i.+p victory over the Eagles were a big bang to begin the Arizonaverse. Prior to that, any Cardinals-following was about as tangible as the campus of the University of Phoenix, the unfortunate naming rights holders for the team's stadium in Glendale.Atlanta Falcons-Your threshold for dogfighting jokes is shorter than most, though you can't deny the appeal of the occasional canine brawl to the death. It's a cultural thing, after all. Pulling for the Falcons makes you an ardent Home Depot apologist and leaves you unable to watch a football game unless a Ludacris track is heard every stoppage in play. If you're white and dancing the Dirty Bird, you've waived any legal expectation not to be dragged from the back of a truck. Same goes for anyone who considers Matty Ice an acceptable name for a c.r.a.ppy domestic beer, let alone a quarterback.Baltimore Ravens-Wait, what's that? What happened to your legs? I can't see them with those purple-tinged army camouflage pants you've got on. Those must come in handy when engaging in tactical military missions in fields of lilacs. Yes, Baltimore is the proud home of John Waters, and therefore a bastion of tackiness, but c'mon. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I only mean to poke fun, Ravens fans. I'd hate for your defense to take out a bounty on me.Buffalo Bills-Oh Lord. You poor wretched thing. The pain you've been through. The crus.h.i.+ng disappointment, the wrenching stench of defeat, the unbearable suffering that comes with each pa.s.sing day. Oh, I'm just talking about living in Buffalo. You root for the Bills too? Quite the glutton for punishment, aren't we? No wonder you signed Terrell Owens.Carolina Panthers-The Panthers made it to the NFC Champions.h.i.+p Game in only their second year of existence and had a Super Bowl appearance in their first decade, so fans have had it a little better than most during the team's brief run. (Still, they'd give it all up for one more national champions.h.i.+p for the Tar Heels.) Don't envy them too much, though. They've each had a relative gunned down by Rae Carruth in callously indifferent blood.Chicago Bears-A team with a hard-nosed tradition and a proud history is bound to foster some committed fans. But when those committed fans a.s.sume that every iota of team news, no matter how esoteric, is worthy of universal attention, that's when you must forcibly sterilize them with garden shears. To their credit, Bears fans, and players alike, can cultivate a d.a.m.n fine neck beard.Cincinnati Bengals-You've been conditioned to despise owner Mike Brown and continually live in despair, yet you still manage to root for the least embarra.s.sing modern-era team in your state. Go you! Being a fan of the only Ohio team to reach a Super Bowl can be a heady experience. Try not to be too smug to the Browns fans when the Bengals pick up their third win in Week 16. The team's brief flirtation with respectability brought with it a reputation for lawlessness. Fortunately, the Bengals have cleaned up their act and, in doing so, have plunged back into irrelevancy. No wonder they keep bringing back Chris Henry.Cleveland Browns-The milkbone in your mouth lost its flavor months ago. Your sons are named for Bernie Kosar and your daughters for Brady Quinn. Lawlessness is certain to descend upon the city's streets now that "f.u.c.king soldier" Kellen Winslow Jr. has been dealt to Tampa Bay. You will have to rely on your nonpareil bottle-throwing skills to protect you.Dallas Cowboys-The Cowboys were dubbed "America's Team" by the vice president of NFL Films in the '70s after he asked Steelers' owner Art Rooney if he wanted his team to have the distinction and Rooney refused it. Sorry, Cowboys fans, you were America's second choice. But if ever there were a vote on which fan base to wipe from the earth, there's no doubt Dallas backers would finish first.Denver Broncos-While other fans struggle with high elevations, Broncos fans are capable of being irritating up to ten thousand feet above sea level. The franchise has been lingering in a rough patch since the retirement of horsey-faced quarterbacking demiG.o.d John Elway. At last it seemed Broncos fans had a suitable successor in sulking extraordinaire Jay Cutler. That is, until new coach Josh McDaniels floated his name in trade talks, causing Cutler's face to go from sulk to full-on makeup smearing sob. At least Denver fans won't have to invest in a new player's jersey for a while.Detroit Lions-ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO WORs.h.i.+P HERE. The 0-16 season has allowed your team its stake in history, however opprobrious. You're still convinced Barry Sanders is going to return one of these years. When he finally does, he'll be swarmed by a rabid pack of Lions fans demanding answers. He'll run ten yards backward, reverse field twice, fake out six of them, and still get tackled for the prettiest two-yard loss you ever saw.Green Bay Packers-True cosmopolitans, Packers fans are far too occupied exploring other cultures and expanding their understanding of the world to have any time for football. Just kidding. They're obsessive small-town b.u.mf.u.c.ks who, though they are traumatized by the very mention of Brett Favre, long for the Gunslinger to return to Wisconsin to be the G.o.dfather of all their children and eventually run for governor, only to occupy the position long after his rotting corpse decomposes in its seat.Houston Texans-As the team's name suggests, Texans fans are an awfully creative bunch. When the city received an NFL franchise again in the early 2000s, citizens were stymied to come up with another mascot. NASA is based in the area, but the Rockets have that covered. What else is there, other than immense sprawl and inescapable gridlock? Oh, right: Texas! Run with that.Indianapolis Colts-In an odd coincidence, no fan base has perfected the jersey-tucked-into-khaki-pants look quite like that of the Colts. At the same time, no other team's fans own as many of the dreaded s.h.i.+rseys (a T-s.h.i.+rt made to look like a jersey). Following the lead of recently retired head coach and fundamentalist Christian Tony Dungy, Colts fans try to run down at least one gay person en route to Lucas Oil Stadium.Jacksonville Jaguars-Congratulations! You're the first-ever Jaguars fan! Hopefully that doesn't mean you live in Jacksonville. Should that be the case, the person reading this book for you should have the tact to skip this entry.Kansas City Chiefs-Like so many others, you've been victimized by the postseason choking tendencies of Marty Schottenheimer. You thought that would leave an indelible scar on you, but then Herm Edwards showed up and showed you what true inadequacy was all about. With Edwards now recently departed, Matt Ca.s.sel and Todd Haley have arrived to usher in a new era of crus.h.i.+ng disappointment in K.C.Miami Dolphins-There are two types of Dolphins fans: retirees who need OnStar to reach the stadium and cocaine dealers who try to move product in the parking lot. For those looking at getting back into the weed game, Ricky Williams probably has a good connection for you.Minnesota Vikings-Vikings fans take issue with observers who mock the Bills for being historically inept in champions.h.i.+p games, when in fact the Vikes are also 0-for-4 in the Super Bowl. That's ridiculing that they deserve too. d.a.m.n your East Coast bias! That's the last time they share their lutefisk with you.New England Patriots-You really like white players in skill positions. I mean, you really really, really like them. But you're also deeply respectful of the Patriots' proud history, which extends all the way back to 2001, the year when most Patriots fans believe the franchise was founded. The sight of a prematurely purchased 19-0 s.h.i.+rt brings you to tears, as does any mention of David Tyree or Bernard Pollard.New Orleans Saints-Even years after Hurricane Katrina's devastation, there's little chance for you to return to your former home or rebuild your tattered life. But everything's all bon temps bon temps because the Saints went to the playoffs that one year after they fixed the Superdome. And you got Reggie Bus.h.!.+ He's quite possibly the best back ever to average three yards a carry. because the Saints went to the playoffs that one year after they fixed the Superdome. And you got Reggie Bus.h.!.+ He's quite possibly the best back ever to average three yards a carry.New York Giants-A curious dichotomy separates Giants fans. On one hand, there's the parking-lot-dwelling, car-smas.h.i.+ng Jersey contingent that seems to be the more representative of Giants fans in the eyes of the nation. On the other, there are self-obsessed, moneyed Manhattanites who use football games as an opportunity to unleash their inner a.s.shat, then return to their privileged lives in which they deride the Jersey fans for acting like animals. Nonetheless, Giants fans operate under the ridiculous notion that their fan base is somehow cla.s.sier than that of the Jets, when they share not only the same stadium, but the same territory and many of the same annoying qualities. You do, however, know not to cram your gun into your sweatpants.New York Jets-You are either one of the guys goading women to flash their t.i.ts near Gate D at the Meadowlands, or you are one of the chesticle-flas.h.i.+ng women themselves. There are no other types of Jets fans.Oakland Raiders-Your soul is the express property of Al Davis (those season ticket forms have some tricky legalese), and he may do with it what he pleases. And he pleases to hack away at it with a halberd, the one that he's hung onto since his years ruling over Middle Earth. It's not so bad-at least you get to wear some cool spiked shoulder pads.Philadelphia Eagles-Ever the environmentally conscious fans, Eagles fans have found a green-friendly way of disposing of used batteries: throwing them at opposing fans, opposing players, stadium concession workers, security officials, Santa Claus, Eagles players who perform badly, and Donovan McNabb regardless of performance. It's important because batteries are kept out of landfills (where they can leak mercury into the earth) when they're lodged in someone's cranium.Pittsburgh Steelers-People may not understand your need to carry soiled yellow towels and dance awkwardly to polka music, but then they know better than to cross the teeming horde that is Steelers Nation, a phenomenon which, because of flight from economic distress in Pittsburgh, exists in great numbers virtually everywhere on the planet. Steelers fans, when sober enough to be cognizant of their surroundings, drive cautiously around anyone riding a motorcycle, lest they cause further damage to their franchise quarterback. Known for their thunderous chants of "Here We, Steelers, Here We Go," they can also be identified by their constant cursing of the foul day Steely McBeam flounced into being.San Diego Chargers-You miss the days when the Raiders were based in Los Angeles. Sure, it's still a heated division rivalry, but it's lost the added charge of proximity. Plus, back then you only needed to drive two hours home-instead of eleven-with a silver-and-black-handled switchblade stuck in your kidney.San Francisco 49ers-I made sure to double-check my Big Book of Regional Stereotypes, and being a denizen of San Francisco must mean you're almost certainly gay. This makes '80s nostalgia somewhat problematic for you. On the one hand, the 49ers were in the midst of a dynasty. On the other hand, it was the height of the AIDS epidemic. I guess that makes it kind of a wash.Seattle Seahawks-The trusty moleskine pocket journal of the Seahawk fan holds the preciously written narrative of his inner tumult. Words like weltschmertz and anomie crop up a few dozen times. It is half-filled with frenzied, nonsensical tirades about Super Bowl XL, with the rest consisting mainly of recipes for vegan polenta and Sleater-Kinney lyrics. Even when they cheer, it sounds as though they're crying.St. Louis Rams-You welcome any distraction during the months when baseball isn't in season and you find hockey to be, well, hockey. You'd be much more inclined to pull for the Rams if only the NFL Shop would allow you to order a team jersey with Pujols on the back. And by that, I mean the Cardinal first baseman's name and not actual poo holes. Those you must cut out yourself.Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Though the pewter uniforms have brought a reasonable degree of success, and even a Super Bowl t.i.tle, you secretly long for the sherbet orange duds of yore. Sometimes, late at night, you envision a moonlit stroll on the beach with Bucco Bruce. Just make sure he removes the dagger from his teeth first. That thing is not the greatest bedroom accessory. That feathered hat, however, is another story. Tickles the b.a.l.l.s in a most pleasing way. Uh, at least that's what I hear.Tennessee t.i.tans-You're among the best in the league in mobile meth lab tailgating. Which would come in handy if you attended any t.i.tans games. But that would interfere with a life spent entirely outside Neyland Stadium, whether or not the Vols are playing. A shame, because Kerry Collins would drink your whole tailgate under the table.Was.h.i.+ngton Redskins-As perennial Off-season Champs, the Redskins dominate the headlines between the months of March and August for their daring and, more often than not, extravagant free agent acquisitions. These free agents are typically of the faded decrepit sort. A recent history of this continually not working out for the best does not deter the Burgundy and Gold faithful from proclaiming that each of these signings (2009's foolishly bloated new contract: Albert Haynesworth) signals a return to glory for the 'Skins. Those fans who don't cheer on the emptying of Dan Snyder's checkbook are sure to be mauled by Snyder lapdog Vinny Cerrato.

II.3 The Memory of Your Team's Epic Playoff Loss Will Set the Tone for All Your Future Personal Failures Your favorite team will scar you. By that, I don't mean minor emotional fissures you can bury beneath your everyday troubles. I mean deep-seated emotional scars that only manifest themselves in crying jags after premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n.

For every fond football memory, there will be countless others that make you retire to the broom closet to weep and curse your creator for your unshakeable emotional dependence on your favorite team. It stands to reason that each year there can only be one Super Bowl champion, meaning the fans of the other thirty-one teams, no matter how positive a spin they try to put on the outcome of their season, are mired in disappointment and despair. That's a lot of suffering. That's even more Valium.

Most fans find a way to handle it, to push the pain down so deep into the recesses of their minds that it only reveals itself as message board vitriol and sublimated aggression toward busboys at chain restaurants. For those who can't, it's an eternity of reliving events that were never in your control in the first place. That guy sitting on the street corner mumbling about Jackie Smith can tell you all about it. It's re-creating the offending memory in a video game and finding no satisfaction when you simulate a different outcome, knowing how hollow and false it is.

II.3. A THE MOST EPIC CHOKES.

An epic, gut wrenching loss can lead to a lifelong complex that forces you to push aside your mommy issues and trace blame for all of life's stumbles to that fateful day. The sad truth is that there is no way to avoid this. You chose to become a fan and will accept the emotional degradation that comes with it.

Take, for instance, these epic big game bed-s.h.i.+ttings that have wreaked havoc on the psyches of fans over the years.

Wide Right-The list of Bills memorable postseason failures is long and ill.u.s.trious, though none are more iconic than Scott Norwood's missed field goal at the end of Super Bowl XXV. Buffalo, of course, went on to lose the next three Super Bowls, none of which were close, meaning this proved to be the Bills best chance at an elusive champions.h.i.+p. Norwood played another season then retired to become a real estate agent, which is a lot less interesting than a transs.e.xual murderer bent on revenge. Thanks for distorting our expectations of reality, Ace Ventura movies.Laces Out-January is the cruelest month for Tony Romo. And December ain't much better. Yup, the Cowboys haven't won a playoff game in thirteen years. In a 2006 playoff game, the Cowboys were attempting a gimme 19-yard field goal that would have won the game over the host Seahawks, but the star quarterback botched the snap and fell short of the goal line after he tried to run with the ball, thus handing the Seahawks a victory and touching off a dazzling series of late-season Cowboys collapses that have brought endless joy to the ma.s.ses.Red Right 88. The Drive. The Fumble.-The postseason woes of the Cleveland Browns can be summed up in three handy phrases, all under the rubric "Epic Fail."1992 Houston Oilers-The Oilers led the eventual conference champion Bills 353 at one point in the third quarter of a wild-card playoff game, only to drop the game in OT. The franchise would return the heartbreak seven years later as the Tennessee t.i.tans (the relocated Oilers), pulling off the Music City Miracle last-second kick return to beat the Bills in the wild-card round en route to an agonizingly tight Super Bowl loss of their own. Yes, there's plenty of pain to go around.Super Bowl III-The Baltimore Colts were 18-point favorites against a Jets team from an AFL league n.o.body took seriously, featuring wildly sideburned quarterback Joe Namath, who was just beginning to cut a drunken swath of destruction on v.a.g.i.n.as across the nation that continues to this day, though now more often with sideline reporters than Farrah Fawcett. The oddsmakers didn't learn their lesson about the AFL, as the Vikings were 12-point favorites the following year and fell to the Chiefs in Super Bowl IV.1990s Chiefs Teams-The Chiefs had the second-most wins of any team in their conference during this decade, clinched home-field advantage twice, and failed to make the Super Bowl even once. Both times they held the top seed in the conference during the '90s, they lost their first playoff game. Even Joe Montana and Marcus Allen couldn't get them over the hump, thus ill.u.s.trating the otherworldly potency that is the Chiefs' failure juju.1998 Vikings-It's not that the Vikings were defeated by a vastly inferior opponent. The victorious Falcons, at 14-2, were only a game behind Minnesota in the standings. The choke comes when you factor in that Vikings kicker Gary Anderson had his only missed field goal of the season, which would have won the game in regulation. A shame, as this turned out to be Dennis Green's best opportunity at getting his a.s.s crowned.2001 St. Louis Rams-The Greatest Show on Turf came in as defending champs and 14-point favorites against a Patriots team coached by Bill Belichick that was somehow remotely likeable. Because this was the first Super Bowl after 9/11, people made a big deal about a team named the Patriots winning. Because people are mawkish and simpleminded.18-1-Undefeated juggernaut New England Patriots (or Greatriots, as their fans would tell you) beaten by Eli Manning. Or rather, the Giants dominant defensive line, but a Manning has to get credit for everything.

There are but a few ways to deflect this mental anguish before it claims dominion over you. Unless you have the option of buying the team and chucking all the offending players and coaches, it's always going to be an indirect kind of relief. There's the always reliable rea.s.surance that your team will be back next year. It's the great loser standby, a mantra necessary to repeat to yourself when it becomes evident that your team has no real shot at a t.i.tle, but you need to believe the next season holds the promise of great things to come, when in fact it's a total c.r.a.pshoot at best.

In truth, the only way for this pain to ever subside is for your team to win a champions.h.i.+p. Once that happens, all the acc.u.mulated torment from years of coming up short is neatly washed away. Unfortunately, the acquisition of this t.i.tle may take years, if it ever happens at all. h.e.l.l, nearly half the teams in the league have never won a Super Bowl.

Until that day arrives, any number of strong sedatives should keep you from nose-diving off the tallest building you can find. Matt Jones can recommend a few.

II.4 Choose a Player to Idolize Based on His Carefully Crafted Public Persona Selecting a player to idolize isn't anywhere near as significant as finding a team to wors.h.i.+p, but it certainly makes things easier with the all-important jersey purchasing process. But worry not, fanboys. Once you do finally land on a team, there are many personality types from which to choose.

Obviously, the type of player who appeals to you is somewhat subjective. It doesn't necessarily have to be your team's best player. In fact, last year ESPN conducted a poll asking fans to pick the greatest player in the history of each franchise, and Ravens fans chose Matt Stover. The f.u.c.king kicker! Fortunately, not everyone is as mentally deficient as Ravens fans, so there's probably a good chance you won't fall head over heels for a player who could get pushed around by the water boy.

The dynamics of a team dictate that there are a number of vital personality roles that must be filled. Do you like the big hitter who jars the ball loose from the defender and stands astride over his downed enemy? The defensive end who has trouble leaving his aggression on the field? The flashy receiver with the elaborate touchdown celebrations and the endors.e.m.e.nt deal with BlackBerry. His e-mails indicate that he sent them to you from the end zone!

The Stoically p.r.i.c.kish Leader-Possessing an odd combination of a stiff upper lip and a ma.s.sive ego, he is the face of the franchise. As such, he makes a big deal of dutifully watching nearly as much game tape as Ron Jaworski and overriding the head coach's decisions. When this pays off, he's fawned over by the media endlessly. When it doesn't, he's often seen glowering on the sideline and throwing teammates under the bus to the press. If you love athletes that endorse all the products you buy, he's the one for you. (See: Peyton Manning.)The Media Darling-From what your TV tells you about these guys, you'd think they p.i.s.sed rainbows and shat unicorns. A negative word will never be uttered of the media darling by a studio a.n.a.lyst or play-by-play announcer. If this player does, in fact, commit a blunder, the broadcasters will fall over themselves to soft-peddle and explain away the mistake. You'll adore the media darling if you're one of those people who uncritically digests whatever the media tells them, which is pretty much the entire country. (See: Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Tony Romo.)The Meast-So named for the late Redskins safety Sean Taylor, who was described as a half man and half beast, the meast is an athletic whirlwind, the player who is simply far and away better than anyone else on the field. The only downside to the measts, if there is one, is that as people they aren't terribly interesting. They never really get in trouble on or off the field, never issue any headline quotes. They just go out and dominate. That can be kind of boring sometimes. (See: Adrian Peterson, Brian Westbrook, Michael Turner, Larry Fitzgerald.)The "Sc.r.a.ppy" Player-A white guy who plays a position usually dominated by black players (receiver, running back, defensive back) with a modic.u.m of success. Lauded for his "deceptive speed" and his supposedly indefatigable spirit, the sc.r.a.ppy player makes up with mainstream media support what he lacks in natural talent. Patriots fans wish their entire team was composed of these guys. If you're a big fan of Elvis, the Rolling Stones, and rap-rock, you'll love the sc.r.a.ppy player. (See: Wes Welker, Kevin Curtis, Reed Doughty, Zach Thomas, John Lynch.)The Quiet Religious Type-Always eager to preach the lessons of humility and service to G.o.d over what occurs on the field, the quiet religious type can be a real buzzkill. But at least he usually keeps it to himself and chooses to lead the life he wants rather than haranguing others, though he will be quick to credit the Lawd for a key victory. It's important to distinguish the quiet religious types from the overbearingly vocal religious ones, such as Ray Lewis, who use the language of faith to draw attention away from a rather homicide-heavy past. If you're keen on Jesus, you're keen on these guys. (See: Kurt Warner, Jon Kitna, Troy Polamalu.)The Loudmouth Douchehard-Part douche, part blowhard. If you ask me, the t.i.tle is pretty self-explanatory. The loudmouth douchehard loves to talk s.h.i.+t, whether it's to the media, his opponents, fans, homeless people, the infirm, heads of state, the elderly, or really any sentient being capable of being offended. Any objection to this behavior is interpreted as a sure-fire sign of disrespect, which only leads to even sharper increases in douchebaggery. (See: Philip Rivers, Joey Porter, Jeremy Shockey.)The Snarling Intimidating Bada.s.s-Unlike the loudmouth douchehard, the snarling intimidating bada.s.s doesn't have to shoot his mouth off to scare the people on the other side of the ball. A naturally terrifying dude, he oozes quiet intensity. And is probably coated in an enemy's blood. You never really hear from him, probably because reporters are too intimidated to stick a tape recorder in his face. This guy is too tough for you to like him, so step the f.u.c.k off. (See: James Harrison, Mike Sellers, Albert Haynesworth.)The Linemen-Ah, the men in the trenches. They're the most important players on your team that the fans have no clue about. They do the dirty work and yet you'd be hard pressed to find a single person in the stands who wears the jersey of even the best lineman in the league. However, the problem with having a lineman as your favorite player is that it makes you look like a pretentious c.o.c.ksnot. See, the majority of fans know the linemen are important but it's a tacit rule that they can't be your favorite player. Just live with it. (See: That big fat guy, the one next to him, and the other three.)The Dirty-Playing d.i.c.khole-This is the player fans of other teams will express the most contempt for, but it's the guy on your team you tend to like the most. Because every great team needs a brutish enforcer, someone who's willing to go above and beyond in order to inflict the maximum amount of pain on the opponent. Everybody loves a villain, especially if he's on your side. (See: Rodney Harrison, Terrell Suggs, Hines Ward, the Broncos' offensive line.)The Emotionally Unstable Trainwreck-The gridiron can exact a heavy toll on even the strongest of minds, so naturally it totally reams the weak ones. These athletes have a tough time handling the grind and have the occasional breakdown, suicide attempt, or abrupt name change. Should that appeal to a normal person? Probably not. But allegedly normal people don't exist, so who cares about them? (See: Vince Young, Terrell Owens, Chad Ocho Cinco.)The Inscrutable Wackjob-A close cousin of the emotional trainwreck, only without all the messy depression. Their antics are at once bizarre and incredibly disarming. They might don a wacky costume, film a video of themselves belting out a pop hit in their bedroom, or talk about loving a mysterious substance called "construda" or going into "beast mode" on the field. They're liable to do just about anything, and you'd pay to see any of it. (See: Marshawn Lynch, Laurence Maroney, Clinton Portis.)The Tarvaris Jackson-Every team has a conspicuous weak link, and this guy is it. An opponent's game plan always hinges on exploiting this player, and it works without exception. Of course, all the fans of his own team hate his guts, but he can be quite the hit with backers of other squads. (See: DeAngelo Hall, the Steelers' offensive line, the Broncos' defense.) II.5 Know Thine Enemies, So You Can Identify Them After Crus.h.i.+ng Their Skulls into Powder More important than knowing who to love is knowing who to hate. All the best sensations of football fandom flow from the life-sustaining waters of schadenfreude and enmity. What can otherwise be a pedestrian game between non-contending teams can be made instantly enthralling with the simple addition of a little undisguised contempt.

As a rule of thumb, you should harbor an active dislike for all the thirty-one NFL teams other than the one you have adopted as your own. Anyone who says they have a "second favorite team" probably has a second favorite creature that they like to have s.e.x with. However, there should be a small handful of teams for whom you reserve your most fervid store of hate. The very sight of these teams' logos or players should invoke murderous urges that would get you jailed forever if you ever acted upon them.

Most rivalries are based on commonsense reasons, like regional proximity or a history of important head-to-head contests. Others don't really make any G.o.dd.a.m.n sense at all, but are still fun to watch. If you're confused about which franchise is your team's rival, merely observe which team's merchandise gets burned the most in the parking lot of your team's home field. That's usually a reliable indicator.

Not all rivalries are created equal. Some teams are just too boring or mediocre to inspire intense loathing (looking at you, Arizona). Here are some of the more notable grudges around the league.

Was.h.i.+ngton RedskinsDallas Cowboys-It's a standard cliche of the Old West, so it might as well work in football, too. Never mind the fact that everybody in the league hates the Cowboys (justifiably so) and that Eagles and Giants fans probably hate them just as much as Redskins fans. It only matters that the broadcasters get to make hackneyed "Cowboys and Indians" jokes about this matchup. Because those never get tiresome!Chicago BearsGreen Bay Packers-The NFL's oldest and most storied rivalry dates back to 1921, when a meatpacking company employee and a live carnival bear fought each other to the death over a unicycle. In the years to come, it evolved into a football contest between teams named for these two combatants and has thrived ever since. More than fifty Hall of Famers have taken part in the rivalry over the years, and the two teams cannot be mentioned in tandem other than by a stentorian gravelly voice, not unlike John Facenda. The Vikings also intensely dislike both of these teams, but then the Vikings don't win anything, so who gives a sun-dried s.h.i.+t about the Vikings?Pittsburgh SteelersCleveland BrownsBaltimore Ravens-The Steelers and the Browns were mortal Rust Belt enemies for generations and all was good. Then in 1996 Baltimore stole Cleveland's team. The Steelers smoothly transitioned to hating the Ravens. A few years later, the NFL gave Cleveland a new team. Browns fans still hated the Steelers but they also hated the Ravens for stealing their team and winning a Super Bowl a few years later. Ravens fans, meanwhile, are content to hate themselves both for living in Baltimore and wearing purple camouflage every week.Baltimore RavensIndianapolis Colts-Meanwhile, the people of Baltimore still have an ax to grind with the Irsay family for relocating the Colts to Indianapolis in the middle of the night in March 1984. They'd have much preferred it be done in broad daylight, like many of the drug purchases and murders in the city. If there's anything Baltimoreans hate, it's secrecy.Denver BroncosOakland Raiders-A heated divisional rivalry that's as intense as any other in the NFL. However, since both teams are located in the western half of the country, East Coast bias prevents most of the country from giving a s.h.i.+t.Houston TexansTennessee t.i.tans-One might think this is a rivalry because the Tennessee t.i.tans were once the Houston Oilers. But actually the two teams are in a constant disagreement about whether it's worse to live in Houston or Nashville.San Francisco 49ersDallas Cowboys-These two teams have met a record five times in the NFC Champions.h.i.+p Game, twice in the '70s, once in the '80s, and twice again in the '90s. This rivalry has resulted in such historic moments as "The Catch" and "Remember When Someone Actually Gave a f.u.c.k About the 49ers?"Indianapolis ColtsNew England Patriots-Perhaps the Niners-Cowboys equivalent of this decade, the Patriots beat the Colts in the playoffs in consecutive seasons, two years before allowing the biggest comeback in conference t.i.tle game history to Indianapolis in 2006. What's more, Peyton Manning holds the lead in endors.e.m.e.nts over Tom Brady by roughly 350,000 products, though the gap is closing.New England PatriotsNew York Jets-This rivalry intensified in the late '90s when Bill Parcells defected from New England to coach in New York immediately after taking the Patriots to Super Bowl x.x.xI, causing the Patriots' frog-throated owner Bob Kraft to accuse the Jets of tampering. A few years later, Bill Belichick, a day after being named the Jets head coach in 1999, wrote his resignation on a napkin (his usual tactic for picking up married women) and later signed on as the Patriots' head coach. In 2006, the Jets named buxom former Patriots a.s.sistant Eric Mangini as their head coach. The next year, Mangini outed the Patriots for illegally videotaping other teams' defensive signals. Such fervid drama barely masks the fact that all these teams really want to do is f.u.c.k each other. Mangini was recently fired by the Jets, though the teams will undoubtedly find other coaches to swap acrimoniously.New England PatriotsNFL Rule Book-The NFL has a set of rules by which they would like all their franchises to abide. The Patriots, however, are above your lousy rules, you narrow-a.s.sed National Football League. They're going to tape all the signals they want. What're you going to do about it? Sanction one of your most popular, most hyped teams? Then they're going to hack into your computer and ident.i.ty theft your a.s.s and use your credit card number to buy some sweet pocket bikes, the kind they'll use to ride all over your lawn and chew that b.i.t.c.h up. And, hey, if Rodney Harrison wants to take human growth hormone, he's going to do it smiling while standing in the commissioner's office and peeing on his desk lamp. Four game suspensions don't mean nothing to him. Rules? Pfft. Ain't no rules in our world, Mr. En Eff Ell.Seattle SeahawksReferees-Seattle fans, ever since their team's unfortunate and not nearly caffeinated enough loss in Super Bowl XL, have been harboring the notion that referees are somehow out to get them. They decry as much in poems they write in lipstick on their bathroom mirrors and in chalk on the sidewalks of college campuses. You would be wise not to deny them their conspiracy theories, lest they find a way to implicate you.Philadelphia EaglesSanta Claus-In a famous 1968 incident, Eagles fans pelted Santa Claus with s...o...b..a.l.l.s during the halftime show of a December 15 season-ending loss to Minnesota. In retaliation, Santa, teaming with Chanukah Harry, has brought nothing but tainted sc.r.a.pple and heartbreak to citizens of the City of Brotherly Love for forty-plus years. And, oh yeah, no champions.h.i.+ps. Luckily, they've gone to gifting each other batteries.Buffalo BillsCity of Buffalo-The Bills are in the midst of an arrangement through the 2012 season that will have them playing five regular season games in Toronto. Certainly this is a source of consternation to the citizens of Buffalo, who'd much rather the Bills be hopelessly mediocre on American soil. Canadians, meanwhile, will be all too content to clap politely no matter how badly the Bills lose. Nothing gets to those people.Detroit LionsWinning-The elusive concept of victory has long bedeviled the Detroit Lions, and they don't appreciate it one bit. So the team has retreated into even greater depths of losing just to spite it. Victory, however, is unmoved and sits on a beach somewhere with Barry Sanders sipping c.o.c.ktails and texting other teams.Jacksonville JaguarsSt. Louis RamsCarolina PanthersTampa Bay BuccaneersArizona CardinalsNew Orleans Saints-These teams are either too new or too inconsequential to have developed any interesting animosity, so I arbitrarily decided they should just hate each other. After all, football without hate is like s.e.x without hate. It's just no fun.

II.6 Bandwagon Fans: Can't Live with Them, Can't Line Them Up and Melt Their Insides with a Flamethrower They lie in wait for the majority of the football season until a handful of dominant teams emerge from the pack. They then latch like a remora fish onto the one that's getting the most media attention, pretending as though they had been there all along. They can't recall the bad times that other fans have gone through in the past, nor even what happened in the first few weeks of the season. Most likely they won't even know who was on the team the previous year. Each season, you'll see them sporting a different franchise's jersey. Sometimes they even forget to remove the tags. All they care about is repping a winning team. They are parasites in search of victory, needing only a host team to attach themselves to in order to suck all authenticity from the fan base. They are douchebags incarnate. They are bandwagon fans.

No other figure in the football world is more worthy of your contempt. You may hate the fans of rival teams, but they are loyal to your enemy and therefore possess at least a shred of dignity. You'd like to choke them, sure, but probably not to death, just as a showing of respect. The bandwagon fan, however, is a lowly scavenger, a leach, an opportunist who fol