Dog Training The American Male Part 3

"Why she gotta be Asian?"

"I said too bad she's Caucasian. Jacob's always had a crush on you, Wanda."

"Are we talkin' about the same brother?"

"Never mind."

"The Wall Street hippy?"

"I was kidding. So Nancy's a radio host, huh?"

"She's a psychologist-turned-relations.h.i.+p-radio-host. She talks the talk but never walks the walk, if you know what I mean."

"My brother's a hypochondriac . . . it's a match made in heaven."

Wanda nudged him. "Go on and show her his picture. Maybe her girlfriend's sister would prefer an Asian too?"

"Don't be a wise a.s.s." Vinnie scrolled through his iPhone. "Here's one we took with the boys at Disneyworld."

Jeanne looked at the photo. "It's hard to tell what he looks like with his face all squished up in Micky Mouse's head lock."

"That was a terrible misunderstanding. At the time, Jacob suffered from musophobia-a fear of rodents. He's completely over that now."

"Nancy's no gem either; she's still carrying chips on her shoulders from two bad engagements. Problem is, she's sort of sworn off dating. She does like to bowl. Maybe if we go as a group-"

"Perfect. How about we meet you at the alley in East Boca tonight, say around eight. I'll bring my wife and Jacob, you bring your girlfriend and her sister."

"Done deal." Jeanne held her hand out to shake-her gown falling away, exposing her b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

Wanda's eyes widened. "d.a.m.n. I need to get to the gym."

THE SUNs.h.i.+NE HOUR.

The offices of LIFESTYLE REVOLUTION Inc. occupy the entire mezzanine and first three floors of a high rise office building in downtown West Palm Beach. The facility, designed by Olivia Cabot, eldest daughter of millionaire and retired investment banker Truman Cabot featured a women's only gym, health spa, vegan restaurant, liposuction clinic, three cla.s.sroom suites, and the offices and broadcast facilities of A.M. radio station WOWF.

Olivia's plan was to use the station's on-air hosts to bring clients to the facility where their physical, mental, and spiritual needs could be met. Each radio show personality offered workshops and weekly group sessions the higher their ratings, the better the attendance.

Nancy called her sessions The Suns.h.i.+ne Hour.

AT PRECISELY EIGHTY forty-five, Nancy Beach slid her pa.s.skey through the security slot and entered the double gla.s.s doors of Lifestyle Revolution. Fifteen minutes early . . .what Dad called Vince Lombardi time. Set your watch to Lombardi time and you'll never be late.

Seated before her at the central kiosk was Lynnie Ruffington, a rotund, tough-as-nails transplant from Mountain Home, Arkansas . . . a small town she described as "Mayberry, only with trailer parks and booze."

"Good morning, Lynnie. Where's my Suns.h.i.+ne Hour?"

"I had to put you in the Hillary Suite."

"Lynnie, you know I hate the Hillary Suite, it's always so cold. What about the Lady Gaga Suite. Better yet, the Liza."

"The Liza suite is reserved for Dr. Porter's menopause cla.s.s, and Lady Gaga's back door is still jammed open from those construction workers. By the way, congrats." Lynnie reached beneath her desk, retrieving a walnut plaque featuring a large bra.s.s v.u.l.v.a. "The v.a.g.i.n.a Monologues named you one of their Florida v.a.g.i.n.a Warriors. Guess all those letters and e-mails finally paid off."

Nancy took the award from her and read the inscription. "'Dr. Nancy Beach: A v.a.g.i.n.a-friendly person who embodies the spirit of equality and empowerment.' v.a.g.i.n.a friendly? It makes me sound like a lesbian."

"You're not, are you? I'm only asking because I happen to know a young single entrepreneur stud who'd be perfect for you."

"Is he rich?"

"Does it matter?"

"No, of course not. It's just the way you made it sound. So he's a stud, huh?"

"Put it this way-he's the Mexican twin of the guy who played Gilligan on Gilligan's Island. That's right, sister, he's quite the looker."

"That's . . . wow." Nod politely and start walking away . . .

"Okay, he's our lawn guy. And believe me, the only reason Arnoldo is still on the market is because he's an illegal immigrant. Guy's always smiling -- got a head full of teeth. Can't understand much English, but hey, with a man that can be a plus, right? Here's the kicker-if you marry him, me and mom get free lawn care for the next ten years. Of course, you would too. Back in Mountain Home, we call that a perk. Arnoldo's got lots of perks us ladies fancy."

Point to your watch, mumble something about being late and . . .

"You ever see a lawn guy's fingers, Dr. Nancy? They're thick and calloused from pulling weeds. We're talking breakfast-sausage-thick. Back home, we call 'em Jimmy Deans." Lynnie winked. "Yeah, girlfriend, I think we're on the same page."

"Okay then. Anything else?"

"Oh yeah, The TODAY Show called. Something about a guest appearance."

Nancy's heart raced. "The TODAY Show? Really?"

"Nah, I'm just f.u.c.king with you. But your sister called. She said it was urgent."

NANCY STRODE DOWN the cla.s.sroom corridor, her blood still boiling over the receptionist's little joke. How can I succeed when I'm in an environment surrounded by Neanderthals? I share a producer with three other hosts and office s.p.a.ce with fifteen other radio personalities, all of us trying to build a following with little to no publicity, no budget, and a new program director who's out to change everything around here just to make a name for himself. We're like a nest of newborn sea turtles, everyone struggling to make it across the beach to open water while sea gulls swoop down from the sky trying to eat us.

She pa.s.sed a pair of construction workers replacing the emergency fire exit door of a lecture hall. She paused outside the door of the Liza Minnelli suite, eavesdropping on a heated conversation between Dr. Nell Porter and one of her patients.

". . . so I told the filthy son of a b.i.t.c.h that if he stuck that thing in my mouth one more time I'd bite it off and wrap it around his G.o.ddam neck!"

"Gertrude, remember the hot flash exercises we went over last week?"

"Doctor Nell, how am I supposed to take slow, deep breaths with his thing in my mouth? For Pete's sake, it was dripping down my chin!"

"Gertrude, he's your dentist. The suction tube removes excess saliva from your mouth so you don't have to continuously spit."

Nancy felt a surge of jealousy. Dr. Porter handled the menopause crowd. She had found her niche and her practice-and her ratings were thriving.

I need to find my own niche . . . something trendy.

Remembering Lana, she speed dialed her sister's number on her cell phone.

"h.e.l.lo?"

"Lana? It's me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to make sure you were free tonight."

"Why?"

"Date night, little sister. You, me, and Jeanne are going bowling with another couple and the guy's single brother."

"A blind date? That was the emergency?"

"Yes, and you're going. There's no pressure here. If you like him-great; if not, we'll kick some a.s.s and go home."

"What time?"

"Eight o'clock."

"Let me think about it."

"Nancy-"

"I'm late for my seminar; call you in an hour." She hung up, mentally searching through her menu of excuses. I started having menstrual cramps earlier this morning and you know my first day is always the heaviest. Nah . . . she'll know. Wait until after five, then call and tell her the new programming guy scheduled an after-hours meeting.

Powering off her cell phone, she said a quick prayer (please G.o.d, let there be standing room only inside) then entered the Hillary Clinton suite, a small auditorium with theater-style seating for two-hundred.

Seated in the front row were four women-three Suns.h.i.+ne Hour regulars and a newbie.

Laticia was a mocha-skin black woman in her late thirties. The security guard worked nights at a gated community in Delray Beach and suffered from anger management issues stemming from an abusive first marriage.

Bonnie was white, single and in her late twenties-an elementary school cafeteria worker fighting an obesity problem she blamed on a domineering mother.

Sophia was the youngest-nineteen years old and Hispanic. The community college student's arms were covered in tattoos displaying her eighteen month old daughter's name and image. She has not seen the child's biological father since the night he had impregnated her in the high school's boys' locker room.

The short white woman in her mid-sixties was new.

Either a recent divorcee or a widow, Nancy surmised. Stay positive. Four is twenty-five percent better than three . . . "Good morning, ladies, and welcome to The Suns.h.i.+ne Hour, a free weekly seminar for women, sponsored by my radio show, Life's a Beach with Nancy Beach. Before we begin, would everyone stand please and recite the pledge."

The three returnees stood, joining their leader: "I am the keeper of my own fate, emanc.i.p.ating myself from the self-imposed bonds of my gender."

"Excellent. I see we have a newbie. Please, tell us about yourself and describe the Y chromosome in your life."

"The Y who?"

"The man in your life . . . a.s.suming it's a challenging relations.h.i.+p with the opposite s.e.x that brought you here."

"Well . . . my name is Edna Dombrowski. I'm sixty-three years old, originally from New York. The Y chromosome in my life is . . . was my ex-husband, Walter."

The other women chanted, "Why Y . . . do you make us cry!"

"Did Walter make you cry, Edna?"

"Sometimes. After all, we were married thirty-six years. We had good times, some ehh, but we stayed together. Mostly for the kids."

"What went wrong?" asked Bonnie, the weight-challenged attendee spewing remnants from her last bite of doughnut.

"The trouble began about a year ago when we stopped having . . . relations. Walter claimed he couldn't get it up because of a swollen prostate. Well, he sure got it up for his secretary, Claudia."

Laticia shook her head. "Girlfriend, if some Y did that to me, I'd have gone Lorena Bobbitt all over the mother-f.u.c.ker."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'd have cut off his p.e.c.k.e.r." Laticia mimed slicing off a man's p.e.n.i.s.

Nancy cringed. "Laticia, we can't go around castrating every Y who hurts us. We're here to help Edna gain a new perspective about what happened so she can prevent this situation from occurring in her next relations.h.i.+p."

Sophia turned to Edna, her words slightly garbled by her tongue piercing. "Was you there for him s.e.xually?"

"I thought I was. Thirty-six years . . . I don't ever recall him complaining."

"But was you really there? Did you just lie there and stare at the ceiling fan, or did you make him feel like a Aztec G.o.d?"

"Aztec G.o.d? Walter? The man laid down and I climbed on. He had a chronic bad back."

"I ain't sayin' you should'a hurt him, I just know the guys I been with over the last like ten years go crazy whenever I talk nasty to them."

"You've been s.e.xually active for ten years? How old are you?"

"Nineteen. Okay, eight years. Anyways, next time you is with a man of the opposite s.e.x, try this . . . 'Oh G.o.d, Walter! Oh G.o.d, you are so big. Bury that dagger in my p.u.s.s.y. Sacrifice me to the G.o.ds!'" Sophia hi-fived Laticia. "Trust me, girlfriend-once you go Hispanic, ain't no need to be romantic."

Edna's complexion paled. "I'm a sixty-three-year-old Jew from the Bronx. When I was your age, I was still a virgin. I birthed three kids and had a hysterectomy, and in all those years I never referred to my personal area as anything but my personal area. If I moaned like that, Walter would have had a heart attack."

Nancy held up her hand, cutting off Sophia's retort. "Edna, I think Sophia's point is that we can empower ourselves by using certain tools that feed our Y's ego while allowing us to establish a sense of equality in the relations.h.i.+p."

"What for? So I can compete with some young s.h.i.+ksa like yourself? See how your husband feels about you in thirty years when your b.o.o.bs start sagging and your pubic hair turns gray."

"Oh, Dr. Beach isn't married," said Bonnie, draining her diet-c.o.ke.

Laticia shrugged. "The lady don't even got a boyfriend."

"That's not true," Nancy snapped. "I mean, I was engaged . . . twice. I decided to break things off for a variety of reasons, some similar to Edna's."

"Yeah, but that was like decades ago."

Edna's face flushed pink. "Dr. Beach, I thought you were a relations.h.i.+p counselor?"

"I am. If you'd like to see my degrees-"