Gypsy Kiss: Micah Part 20

Micah We ate slowly, in no rush to go out into the rain, and set the world or rather ourselves to rights. We just...relaxed in each other's company. It felt so good to lose the tension, and just...be what we were. Two people who, although we hadn't said it yet, were in love.

I admit wholeheartedly that I'm the one who f.u.c.ked that day up, from the moment we woke up until two days later when she finally talked to me again. She had forgiven me, see? She forgave me for being a prized d.i.c.k, for turning up on her doorstep drunk, pa.s.sing out in her bed, not knowing if we had even slept together or not, and then acting like it would be the end of the world if we had. I should have just left the topic alone and never, ever brought it up again.

But...we were getting along so well, and I was caught up in that. We ate, and then we ran out into the deserted park, into the torrential downpour, laughing hysterically at nothing in particular. I grabbed her hand, pulled her to me and stopped in the middle of the gra.s.s, kissing her furiously before pulling her away to just look at her. I let out a deep, satisfied sigh.

"Do you wish we had?"

"Wish we had what?"

At that point I should have said it didn't matter, but what I actually said was, "Slept together. Do you wish we'd done...more last night?"

She flinched and practically pushed me off her, one hand shoving my chest. "What?"

"It's just a question, Jewls. Do you? Only...I fancy you like mad, I'm crazy about you, and I reckon you feel the same. And I was wondering...whether when I originally planned to come round you were thinking we might...?"

"What sort of question is that?" she snapped and was she...? Yep, she was angry. Again.

I shrugged. "Just a question. No need to get carried away. I'm just curious. Had I not pa.s.sed out in your bed, would you? Would you have let me...? Only I'm free tonight and totally sober, so if you wanted to..."

I don't know what the h.e.l.l I was thinking. What can I say, she was soaking wet and I could see her nipples through her top and...I was h.o.r.n.y. By and large people would describe me as a very respectful person, I try to be. Had Nic been there at that precise moment he would have kicked my a.r.s.e if he had heard me. I was thinking with my d.i.c.k, not my head. That's the only excuse I have.

Jewls didn't answer me, instead, true to form; she slapped me, b.l.o.o.d.y hard. "You're f.u.c.king unbelievable sometimes Micah Machvaya! I mean can you hear yourself? You realise how you sound?" she took a step back from me and ran her hands through her hair, gripping it briefly in frustration. "Is it all about s.e.x after all? Like I thought from day one, just one long mission to get me into bed?"

"What? No!" I protested. "You know it's not...but of course I think about it, don't pretend you don't! We're both adults, right? You know how much I care about you; I thought you trusted me now!"

"I do!" she yelled, "but d.a.m.n...you're your own worst enemy, your mouth, it gets you in bother, you need to learn what to say at the right time! Argh...why do you keep spoiling it!"

I paced a couple of times in frustration, unsure at that point which one of us was in the wrong.

"G.o.d Jewls..! You're so frustrating, I can't work you out! Blowing hot and cold, one day it's like I'm the centre of your world, the next it's like you hate me...you're driving me crazy!"

"Back at ya, you f.u.c.king idiot!"

I opened my mouth to say something else and groaned in frustration. She was breathing heavily, her t.i.ts bouncing up and down with every erratic breath. Here we were, at a crucial point, in the midst of one of yet another epic argument, and there was only one thing I wanted to do. I wanted to cut through it all, and stake my claim. For me, the s.e.xual tension which is what I thought it was was becoming unbearable, and I felt that if we took a step forward, if I became, I don't know...proactive, I could cut the tension. I thought she was waiting for me to make the move. Be a man.

So that's exactly what I did.

I moved forward suddenly, effectively pus.h.i.+ng her back until she slammed against the wall of the house of mirrors, out of sight of the main stretch of the park and I claimed her mouth with mine, in a hot, wet kiss. My right hand was around her left wrist, pinning it to the wall above her head, leaving my left hand free to do the dumbest thing I could possibly have done. I wasn't invited, didn't seek her permission, I just took what I wanted, did what I wanted and slipped my hand into the waistband of her joggers and into her underwear, finding her slick and wet to my touch. I pressed into her, finding her c.l.i.t with my thumb and rubbing gently. I knew it, she was as turned on as I was, and I took that as all the invitation I needed.

"Jewls Dempsey...you're as turned on as I am, aren't you...?" I growled in her ear, l.u.s.t just taking over me, "you want me too. You want me, you need me. Say it, Jewls...say you're mine and let me have you..."

I don't know what I expected. Actually, that's a lie. Back then my ego was inflated to epic proportions, before she managed to ground me when she finally gave me her love, properly. So the truth is, I expected her to melt into my arms, into my intimate touch. I expected her to succ.u.mb to my oh so masterful, expert skills and let me f.u.c.k her right there, right then behind the Ghost Train.

I know, I know. What a p.r.i.c.k. I was thinking with my d.i.c.k rather than my head, as usual.

Yeah, well she didn't melt into my arms, falling for my blinding gentlemanly behaviour. She froze. Like, her whole body tensed. I quit my kisses along her neck and leaned back to search her face and what I saw made my blood run cold.

Fear. Raw, unadulterated, fear.

Jewls In a matter of seconds I was propelled back in time, to the very first time Andrew had taken from me without permission.

We had been at a family wedding, and he had drunk far too much and gotten more and more erratic as the evening wore on, to a point where I was beginning to feel embarra.s.sed, walking on eggsh.e.l.ls. When I tried to tell him to calm down, lower his voice, he snapped at me, and told me to mind my own.

He drove us home veering all over the road, and I could feel the atmosphere sinking over us. I knew inside the house all that awaited me was another argument where he would probably go too far and hurt me. Instead, the minute we got in the door, he turned to me, slammed me against the wall and put his hand between my legs. He ripped my skirt from me, and entered me without asking, with no thought whatsoever...all the while whispering in my ear that I was his, his and no one else's and he could do what he liked.

That memory shot through my subconscious in a matter of seconds, causing me to freeze right up. I realised Micah had leant back a little and removed his hand. He was searching my face, no doubt looking for some sort of clue as to what was going on with me.

And I realised I was about to kill this relations.h.i.+p for good. If this was the kind of s.e.x life he wanted, I couldn't give it to him; I absolutely was not capable of being spoken to or treated in that way, even if there was no menace behind it. And if I couldn't give a man like Micah s.e.x how he wanted it...then there was nothing else to be done.

"Jewls...?" he said quietly, "um...I'm sorry I got carried away."

He took a step back, sensing I needed the s.p.a.ce and sighed. I shook my head. "No...no, not your fault. Um...I should...I need to go..."

His eyes widened at that and he shook his head erratically. "Please don't. I know I don't deserve you but please don't walk away. I just made...a total error of judgement, that's all. Just let me...make it right...I know I keep f.u.c.king this up but I'm scared if you walk away now...you're walking away for good."

"You're scared?" I blurted out, and then scoffed. "I'm scared...all the time...that I'm going to lose you, Micah! That you'll wake up one day and wonder what you're doing with someone like me.'"

"But I've never-"

"I know...I know...the issue is with me, it's not you, it's not your fault..."

He sighed and shook his head. "That cliche is older than time itself, Jewls. It's old, and it's lame. You need to get over this...this obsession that I am not who and what I say I am and just...trust me. Otherwise, what else can I do? What can I do, or say...that I haven't already?"

I let out a deep sigh of my own. Because the answer to that meant only one thing, could only mean one thing. "Nothing. There's absolutely nothing you can do about it. It runs deep and I can't change it. I'm sorry; I know you've done your best. And I will always be glad I met you. I have no regrets about that. I'm so grateful-"

He looked at me in horror. "I don't want you to be grateful d.a.m.n it, Jewls! I haven't done you a favour! You mean the d.a.m.n world to me, you know that. What, you don't want me? Is that it? If it is...then you should just say it!"

"Of course I want you, you know I do! But my negativity is like a toxin, eating away at us and I'm gonna end up killing it anyway."

"So stop the negativity..."

I smiled, but it was half-hearted. I was crying, as usual, but the most astounding thing, was when I realised...so was he. I hadn't noticed before because of the rain.

"I wish it were that simple, Micah. But life isn't all suns.h.i.+ne and rainbows like you think it is."

He narrowed his eyes and looked at me, obviously offended. "I know that", he snapped, "my mum died when I was f.u.c.king six! My so-called dad walked out on us. Six boys, one girl, a baby girl and he just...left. We struggled for years to keep our family unit together, it hasn't always been easy. Life is all about att.i.tude and self-belief. You have to want something. If you want me, fight for me. I'm right here. Don't walk away."

I hesitated just for a moment, not wanting to say what I knew I needed to. "I have to. I'm sorry."

We stood facing each other in the torrential rain, letting those words hang in the air. I think he was waiting for me to take them back, but I wasn't going to, as much as I wanted to. G.o.d he was so b.l.o.o.d.y beautiful, soaked from head to foot, tears spilling from his incredible big brown eyes. He had never looked anything but cool, calm and in control to me. But there and then he looked so vulnerable it was heart-breaking.

"Don't leave me, Jewls. We're just getting started." I didn't answer; I just turned and began to walk away. "Who was he, Jewls?" he called after me, and I froze on the spot.

I turned around slowly. "Who...?" I said on an exhale. Micah's face was a mask of hurt and fury.

"The b.a.s.t.a.r.d who made you believe you didn't deserve to be loved? Who was he?"

My heart leapt into my mouth. He was so close to the truth, the truth I wasn't ready to share. "I...I don't"' I stuttered.

"Come on, Jewls. Someone did this to you, broke you. That day, when I chucked you on the big wheel, you said...you were only just starting to mend. So you were broken. Why? Who did it? Answer me Jewls; because I'm gonna keep asking until you do! Over and ov-"

"My husband! It was my husband, I was married!" I almost screamed at him.

He frowned and shook his head. "Say again?"

Well, I'd said it and now I couldn't take it back. In some ways it was a relief, but I knew I had to go on now. He deserved to know it all.

"I was married." I scoffed. "I am married."

"I don't..."

"He hurt me, right? In every way you can imagine, and then some! I don't wanna talk about it anymore than that! I ran, Micah! I emptied his bank account, stuck a pin in a map, jumped on a bus and ended up here! My own family didn't know I was gonna do it until it was done. Only my mum knew, she helped me leave even though she thought I was mad. He doesn't know where I am and he doesn't matter but yes...yes, okay? Yes, he f.u.c.ked me up. I may not have the bruises anymore, but the mental scars I carry, they run deeper than that, and you can't fix it!"

He considered that, and then walked to me, putting his hands on my face. "Why won't you let me try?"

"Because you deserve better..." I said immediately, as that was the simple truth to me.

"You have to stop this, Jewls. Stop putting me on a pedestal, there's no need for it. Stop seeing me as some big, wonderful thing you don't deserve. I'm just a guy, Jewls. Just a guy...who's falling in love and not willing to walk away, even if you are. Push all you like, say what you like. I'm going nowhere. Ever. I can make it better, I know I can."

"You still don't understand why I flipped, do you? Even now I've told you that...you don't get it, and why would you?"

I could see him trying to work it out, going over what I had said. And then his eyes grew wide.

"No...no, Jewls."

"When you slammed me against the wall, and you put your face in close to mine...and you said...tell me you want me, you know you need me...you might as well..."

"Jewls-"

"You scared me, Micah..." I had to say it. But even as the words were out of my mouth, part of me wanted to take them back when I saw the hurt in his expression. But he had to know this part of me, had to understand the scars I carried to understand me, and understand why I had to end this. "You were shouting, I was shouting...Christ, if there had been plates nearby we would probably have been throwing them at each other. And then...you grabbed me and slammed me against that wall...and you were so...aggressive..."

He shook his head erratically and put a hand on my cheek. "That wasn't aggression, Jewls...that was pa.s.sion. Don't you know the difference?"

"If you're asking me if I recognise when someone is looking at me with pa.s.sion in their eyes...no, I don't. I never had that Micah. Never in my life. I felt cornered, trapped. You pinned me to a wall, and you touched me...there...it was...all too familiar..."

"You can't seriously think I would...I was gonna...Jewls, I would never...tell me you know that!"

"How would I know, huh?" I yelled all of a sudden. "You think Andrew was a violent, rapist bully when I met him? No! He was a normal guy, who swept me off my feet, and then crawled into my life and...and took it over. Bit by bit. I never would have thought when I met him he could become...but I didn't know him at all, and I know you...even less. All of five minutes, Micah. I've known you for all of five minutes."

He shook his head, and to my horror I could see tears br.i.m.m.i.n.g in his eyes again. "No...you know that's a lie. You know there isn't a part of you that seriously believes I could, or would hurt you. Deep down you know that. But I'm sorry I frightened you, I really am. If I had known what you'd been through, I never would have...Jewls I have quite a...an extroverted personality, I can be quite dominant, that's just the way I am and just the kind of...of guy I am in the bedroom, I like to be the one to take the lead. But it's never been my intention to try to control you. When we fight, I get this...this rush sometimes. But like I said...its pa.s.sion, Jewls. We have so much pa.s.sion. I was just trying to break this..."

I nodded. "You got sick of waiting to sleep with me." I knew that was harsh, and wished I could take it back. If it were true, it's not like I could even blame him. I had been leading him on and winding him up from the start I supposed.

He narrowed his eyes. "What? No! I thought you were waiting for me to make the move. So I decided to be a man about it and make my intentions clear. Like I said...I'm naturally dominant, but that doesn't automatically go hand in hand with controlling, and bullying. I would never hurt you, never. I get you're gonna need time to learn that you can trust me and it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, there's no...no time limit. I haven't been able to look at another girl since we met. I only want you, and I will do be anything you need. I'll surrender that control to you, Jewls." And with that he dropped to his knees before me and held his arms out either side of him, the rain still pounding down around us.

"I'm all yours. I want to look after you, and yes...I know that sounds patronising but it's just how I feel. I want to protect you from the world. I would never hurt you and I swear here and now...that when you're with me, no one will ever hurt you again. I don't want to stifle and control you, Jewls. I want to nurture you. I want to lift you...the way that you lift me."

I could barely see through the tears swamping my eyes. I wanted to gather him in my arms and let him hold me tight and make it all better.

Instead, I wiped my eyes on my soaking wet sleeve and shook my head slowly. "I need some time..."

He shook his head too, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "Jewls no...please..."

I hesitated and ran a hand across his cheek. He turned his head and kissed my fingers, looking at me with pleading eyes.

"If you care for me at all," I said, "give me some time, yeah? I need to be on my own for a while. I'll call."

And with that I turned and I walked away from the man I realised I loved with all my heart, all the while cursing Andrew for the legacy of fear and self-loathing he had left behind, that would now cost me probably my only chance at true happiness and true love.

I don't know if I wanted him to or not, but Micah didn't follow me.

He let me go.

Chapter Fourteen.

Micah I knelt there for what felt like ages, but was probably only a minute or two. I couldn't get my legs to work, couldn't get back up from my knees. I just knelt there staring at the spot where minutes before she had been standing.

She had left me, actually left me and there was nothing I could do. She needed some s.p.a.ce, I had to give it to her and hope and pray that at the other side of that s.p.a.ce, she might come back to me.

I struggled to my feet and began to slowly walk home.

Jewls I sat in my empty bed in the darkness surrounded by tissues. I had been crying solidly for close to an hour. The pain that was swamping my chest was unbearable, sheer torture and I had done it to myself. An hour ago I'd had the most gorgeous boyfriend handsome, loving, sweet and kind and now? Now I had nothing. The agony was...tremendous.

I lay there flicking through all the pictures on my phone, pictures of Micah and pictures of both of us together. And as I looked at each one my heart broke just a little more.

I drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.

Micah When I got home all I wanted to do was get in and go up to my room. I wanted to shut the door and the world out and just wallow.

Unfortunately in a family our size, that was never going to happen. With five brothers and one very intuitive little sister I was never going to be able to wallow in my own private misery for long. I was barely through the door and Mari was there, full of smiles, her expression quickly changing to one of concern when she saw the state of me.

"What's up, Micah?" she asked, coming to me whilst drying her hands on a tea towel.