The Two Kings Part 30

I looked from the side and into his eyes that were starting to clear. Like the storm outside, the storm in his eyes was disappearing. The black clouds moved like smoke from his lids and dripped down his cheeks like mascara tears. I raised my hand to wipe them clear but as soon as the black liquid touched my skin it started to tingle. It felt wrong, as though somehow what I was doing was not meant to be.

"I can see again, I can see you." He blinked causing the rest of the blackness to drip away, leaving clear whites and crystal blues in its place. His hand came to my cheek and he gently wiped away the blood that had dried on my cheek. It was as if he didn't recognise the position we were still in, or if he, did he didn't want to change it. He moved his fingers over to my lips and he traced them with his thumb. I couldn't help the tremble that escaped them but when he started to move his smile closer to them, I couldn't then stop the quiver.

"Justin!" I whispered as he lingered over my bitten lip before moving away to my ear. He was holding all his body above me like a muscular cage I couldn't move from but at this point, did I want to? My quickened pulse was uncontrollable and I had to bite down even harder on my lip to bring myself back. At any minute I would have to tell Justin to stop but in the end I didn't need to. He reached my ear and simply said one word.

"Sorry."

And then with that, he rolled over to the side of me and pa.s.sed out. I closed my eyes and allowed one single tear to fall before curling over and holding myself cradled for a moment while I let the night's events sink in.

I don't know how long I lay there in a state of my own desolation but when I sat up again I was sure of what my next move would be. I left Justin alone once I had removed his shoes and covered him up with a bed blanket. I climbed the next set of stairs being carful where each foot went, making sure not to wake Libby or Frank.

My room looked cold and forgotten. Neglected from endless nights with Draven, it hardly felt like my room anymore. I could almost see the past of me still sat at the window seat waiting for another dream of Draven to come and find me. Back then, life didn't seem to be as worth living as it was now. I was just waiting in the shadows for a man I loved but didn't think existed the way he does now. But there was one thing I could say...life was, without a doubt, easier in those innocent days of being kept in the dark as to what Draven's world was really like. Would I change it knowing what I know now?

No I wouldn't, was the answer to that one.

And with this in mind I quickly changed into warmer, more practical clothes, being jeans, a black, long sleeved top over my ever more secure gloves. I then pulled on a hooded sweater before doing the stupid thing and leaving the safety of my room. I knew what I should be doing is getting into my PJ's and collapsing my sorry state on my bed but this I couldn't do. I needed answers. I needed to hear Draven tell me that he wasn't the one to cause tonight's disaster. And I just prayed I'd hear what I wanted to hear.

The worse part of this plan was knowing I was going to have to go back outside and face whatever it was that was out there. Hopefully, it would be gone by now and all I would have to do was get back to the club without another incident to push me over the mental edge. Luckily the stormed had calmed but it was still raining cats and dogs, so I grabbed a jacket that was hung up by the front door and slipped it on before braving the night.

I turned the key like it was a grenade and held my breath like death was going to be the one meeting me on the other side. So when I opened the door I couldn't help the sigh of relief that left my body.

I saw my truck sitting there like the finish line and after quickly locking the door, I ran through the rain so fast I was sure there would be a streamline behind me. I got to my truck but only when I reached for the handle did I realise how much I had been shaking the whole way. I couldn't grip it at first and closed my eyes in frustration. Seconds ticked by before I finally got a hold of myself and with a steadier hand opened the door.

I automatically went to brush the gla.s.s from my seat but found it strange when I felt nothing. I jumped in and slammed the door shut when I noticed the window was still intact. How was that possible.... did I dream the whole thing? I found myself leaning over and feeling it for any loose shards or even cracks, but there was nothing.

Half way to Afterlife I was still shaking my head in disbelief. I was now starting to feel like I had lost it again...was I really going crazy this time? As this thought entered my mind I could no longer hold back the tears that mirrored the windscreen, making my vision all the more for dangerous driving. The rain pelted against the gla.s.s faster than the wipers could cope with and I knew that if this carried on I would miss the turning. I decided to pull over and get a hold of myself for a minute.

I looked in my mirrors before stopping, which is when I saw that I was being followed. Lights loomed behind me like a warning glow and I knew that I couldn't stop now. I had to carry on and get there as fast as I could. I couldn't be sure I was being followed but why would another car be out at this time and trying to match my speed? I don't know, maybe I was just being paranoid but I didn't want to take any chances after what I had seen tonight.

That's when I changed my plan and decided to pull over to wait. I indicated before coming to a stop on the side of the road. I wiped the condensation off the rear view mirror with my sleeve, all the time not taking my eyes off the car behind. I held my breath and couldn't help shaking behind the wheel. It was only when the lights got closer that I realised I'd been right. I had been followed.

The car came to a stop about five metres behind me, but in the dark and this weather there was no telling what type of model it was. I leaned forward and my grip on the wheel tightened as I braced myself for my next move. I could just make out the driver's side door open and a figure emerged into the stormy night.

He was getting closer now and I waited until the very last moment counting under my breath. One...two...three! And then I hit it! I pressed my foot to the floor making the truck let out a screaming noise before it snaked its way back out onto the road. I gave the figure behind me one last look before speeding my way onto the road that led to Afterlife. I couldn't stop the panic breaths that fluttered out of my body and by the time I reached the parking lot outside I was a shaking mess.

I remembered this feeling well and since being locked up in Morgan's bas.e.m.e.nt I hadn't been this uncontrollable since...until now that was. I used to hear his car's engine and I knew when the door slammed shut I would have at least three minutes until he would come down to my prison like h.e.l.l's keeper.

I screamed out to myself "NO!" And hit my fist onto the dashboard. The pain shot through my knuckles like it had done when I hit Justin but it felt good and brought my mind round to safer thoughts. He was dead! He wasn't ever coming back to torture me and nothing would ever be as bad as that in my life again. And I had to keep a hold of that thought and get through whatever life threw at me. See, once you have experienced your own living h.e.l.l for months, anything after that should be a piece of cake.

It was the first time I had seen the club closed and mine was the only car here. The place looked dark and eerie. In fact, it looked like the perfect place for the secrets it kept. My mind flashed back to the Temple and the horrors it housed there, making me shudder.

I looked round for any head lamps as I pulled the hood over my head to try and s.h.i.+eld myself from the las.h.i.+ngs of rain. Once I was sure I really was alone, I locked my truck and headed over to the main entrance. I ran making the puddled floor splash back up my legs and soon my skin was covered in wet denim and gooseb.u.mps.

The main entrance had been transformed into an impenetrable force, with huge iron gates that wouldn't have looked out of place on a castle door. They were as thick as my arms and had deadly looking spikes sticking out that n.o.body in their right mind would have chanced climbing. And what good it would have done them even if they did, as the next door was locked up and made of solid oak as thick as the stone walls that held them.

By this time my fist was throbbing from hitting two hard surfaces all in one night. I looked down and even though it was dark I could still see the bruise that was forming under the moonlight. I touched the edges and winced when it hurt.

I rolled my eyes and said "Great, so what do I do now?" Ok, so it didn't help my situation by talking to myself, but it did produce a thought. It took me back to my first day working in the club, back before the only things I knew about Draven was how d.a.m.n s.e.xy he was and how much I wanted him. Of course that want quickly turned to need and that's when things got complicated.

I was walking around the building to the right side. This was the side that was close to the cliff face of what was the biggest canyon in the national park. It was also the side where the huge, industrial bins were kept. I remember my first day when I was taking out the "trash" as they say here. I not only nearly lost all eight fingers but also got locked out of the coded security door.

Unbeknown at the time, thanks to Draven, I had kept all my fingers intact. Back then his powers worked stronger on me than they did now and thanks to possessing part of my body for a short time, he helped me open the door. Since then it was like he had left pieces of himself behind and till this day I still remembered the code.

It was darker around the side as the trees blotted out the moon with a disturbing silhouette. They loomed over me like a cage and the rain hitting their leaves made a rustling that made my imagination go into overdrive. Memories of the Gorgon Leeches Draven had fought by the cabin came seeping back and I could almost see their broken twisted bodies crawling out of the forest, oozing black liquid and blood from their cracked limbs.

I was confusing the sound of the wind beating against nature for scratched nails along tree bark. This made me all the more quicker and thankfully there was a light that flickered on when I reached the steps. The door was cold to touch and sent an icy chill down my spine. Thankfully the code was still the same and after I punched 1452 into the controls the door clicked and opened. I didn't hesitate. I walked into pleasant warm air but it was, for once, a silent empty s.p.a.ce. The room looked the bigger now minus all the bodies and when I accidently knocked into a chair the noise echoed, bouncing off the tall arched ceilings. In that sense it reminded me of a church and I couldn't help but laugh at the idea.

I looked up to the VIP but couldn't see anyone there. It was as silent as down here, and now there was no need for security, the doors and staircases were also bodiless. For the first time the club looked defenceless. And for the first time, I entered the club using those stairs. These were the stairs that had started the obsession what seemed like a life time ago. I had watched Draven enter the club for the first time this year and stop to look at me sat in the booth closest to them. Then he disappeared up into the VIP room to never be seen down here again...that was, not until tonight.

The VIP was empty, but no surprises there. I moved into the centre and found myself in front of the top table and it looked odd to see Draven's chair empty. Then something hit me like a wave I couldn't control. My breath caught, my vision blurred and I staggered back before I could regain control of myself.

I blinked back my fogged mind and focused on Draven's chair once more. There I saw myself sat, curled up like a child crying. I held myself into a secure ball and my face was pressed close to the tall back, as if I was searching for a scent. I blinked again and the vision disappeared. What the h.e.l.l was that? Was that even me? In the vision I had short dark hair and looked ill with misery. I didn't know what that was but I knew one thing for sure...I would pray every night for it not to be a glimpse of my future.

The huge double doors at the back were the ones that I had been through a hundred times but it had never scared me before. Now n.o.body was around it felt like I was an intruder and in this place I was sure to get caught. What was I saying? This was like my second home for G.o.d's sake. What did I have to be frightened of really? Draven was behind these doors and Draven was precisely who I needed to have it out with right now. So with that in mind I pushed with all my might thinking that the doors would weigh a ton, but I was wrong.

As soon as I touched them they opened automatically, so all my weight was thrown forward into the hallway. I landed on the floor in a heap and when I pulled my hood back that had covered my face I found myself staring at some high stiletto heels that would have cost the same as my car.

"I forget how clumsy humans can be!" Said a satisfied voice that went through me, mainly because I knew whose voice it was. I got to my feet quickly to look my enemy in the face before giving her any more reasons to play with.

"Aurora!" Was all I could say at being met with my boyfriend's ex, who clearly wanted to make a hood ornament out of my head. She wore a long slinky dress that looked like it was her second skin. It had a long slit up one leg exposing her stockings. It was a midnight blue colour which made her blonde hair look like it belonged to the sun's rays. She was astonis.h.i.+ngly beautiful which made it harder for me to swallow.

"I a.s.sume you're here to see Dominic?" I hated the way she said his name, like she owned it. Like she owned the rights to it, meanwhile I was still left calling him Draven like he was still just my boss. All I could do was nod at her, which provoked a dark smile to wriggle its way across her red soaked lips.

"This way!" She said and I had no other option than to follow her like a lost soul. We didn't say a word to each other along the different hallways we travelled. I couldn't recognise where we were, so it wasn't as if I could bail out now. Every time Aurora stepped into the warm glow of the wall lamps that flickered against our surroundings she looked like a G.o.ddess. She moved like she owned the place, swinging her perfect figure around with an air of grace and seduction. She would sweep the longer parts of her dress along with one hand like a bride on the way to see her groom. I wished I wasn't so jealous but in the shadow of such perfection it was a hard pill to swallow.

Finally, after an eternity of feeling like c.r.a.p with my appearance, we had come to an end.

"He's in there but be warned, you may not like what you see!" It would have been less convincing if she hadn't been smiling at whatever warped thoughts she had to go along with this statement.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I said not helping that my hands automatically went to my hips.

"Only the truth...enjoy!" She opened the door for me to pa.s.s through as though making sure that I would actually go inside. The door had been keeping in the sound of ethnic music like sounds from an ancient east. There were a lot of people in this room and the noise of lots of conversations filled the incense smoked air.

I walked in to find familiar VIP faces, only they were different. They all looked happy as if this was one big Demon/ Angel party. It took my naive mind a moment to realise that it was indeed a party but one of a very different variety. It was when I saw all the naked bodies that it clicked, I knew where I was.

I couldn't help but look even though I didn't want to. There, my eyes found groups all mingled together like human jigsaws. Only they weren't human and there was nothing humane about five men all sharing one girl. I winced for her but when I saw that she wore an expression of ecstasy, I didn't feel sorry for her quite as much. She was lay among a bed of pillows and had five men I recognised, all from the same table at the club. Each one of them had a piece of her and was kissing each limb like she was a Royal.

This theme continued throughout the room, only some corners were replaced with five girls all hung around one man. There were also some couples dotted here and there that were engaging in intercourse. And it didn't seemed to matter where, chairs, tables, cus.h.i.+ons and there was even a couple doing it on the bar where people sat around them like there was nothing in the way of where to put their drinks. Candles offered most of the light and in the side booths that were covered by bright pink and orange material with the light making the bodies behinds them seem like shadow puppets in some s.e.xual show.

I stood dumbstruck for a moment and it seemed everyone was far too busy with each other to recognise me. I walked a bit further into the room but making sure not to get too close to their activities. I knew I had turned a very healthy shade of plum as I could feel my cheeks burning. I should have just turned around now as I knew Draven would never have been in here, as I had it on good knowledge that he never came to this room anymore. But maybe I would see someone that would know where he was...someone not doing the dirty I should add.

Ah yes, that would go down well, "Excuse me for interrupting your o.r.g.a.s.m but do you know where my boyfriend is?" Yeah I'm sure that would go down well...NOT!

I was nearing the middle which seemed to be the focus of the room. There I found a girl dancing for entertainment. She wore a long flowing skirt that was low to the hips and looked as though staying there by the power of magic. Her top half was nude with only a very large, gold necklace that covered her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. It spread out like a jewel encrusted spider and barely even managed to cover her hard nipples.

The young girl was dark skinned and like a gipsy, she had long black wavy hair that moved like a black river around a stream. She swayed her curvy hips to the music of instruments that were playing themselves in the corner. A large curtain covered half of the room and it was only when I walked round it that I found what it was concealing.

There, right in front of the dancing beauty, was an audience of great importance. The seats were made up completely of beds of rich crimson cus.h.i.+ons. Gold bowls and pitchers were scattered around them ready for the picking. It was as if I had stepped back in time and I half expected to see Jasmine and Aladdin to be sat there. That would have been better than what I did find.

Sophia was curled against Zagan while he whispered in her ear making her giggle. Vincent was also there with two beauties giving him every ounce of attention their bodies would allow. He was close to being covered completely by their legs alone. Even Celine and Takes.h.i.+ were enjoying themselves in local company. But this is not what made my stomach lurch and tie into knots in seconds. This isn't what made me want to cry out and run from the room with water filled eyes. No, it was none of these things, because there in the middle of it all was the King himself, There in another woman's arms was Draven.

Chapter 33.

Sophia's Play Room.

I froze in a numb stance that couldn't believe what it was seeing. I had been having one of the worst nights of my life and here was my boyfriend in the arms of another looking more than comfortable. I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw my arms up in the air and shout "WHAT THE h.e.l.l!" But I didn't do any of these things. After staring for a full five minutes I was finally noticed.

Sophia's eyes lifted from Zagan's neck and found mine that were still locked in shock. I saw her mouth my name and knew that Draven would respond but I didn't want to wait. I just wanted to run more than I ever had before and when I finally stopped running, I just wanted to cry until the end of time.

I felt so betrayed. Like a cold slap of reality had finally reached my cheeks and the aftermath left a sickening metallic taste in my bitter mouth. I never saw Draven's eyes but I knew they had found me. I, meanwhile, had turned around and ran from this nauseating room that was known as Sophia's playroom. Well I found nothing playful about it, considering it held my biggest fears...Lies and betrayal!

Draven's lies. Draven's betrayal.

Part of me wanted to stay and wait for an explanation, to find out just how deep the lies ran, but I knew one look at him would open the flood gates to a never ending misery. Every time I closed my eyes I could see that exotic looking beauty draped across him like she was stating her claim. I kept shaking my head, like this was some sort of nightmare that felt far too real for me to cope with. I was actually hoping to see Lucius so then it would have been confirmed, but when I heard my name being called and the sound of footsteps getting closer I knew the horrible truth. I wasn't dreaming.

"Keira, d.a.m.n it, wait!" It was Draven's voice sounding more and more irritated with every step I took further from him but I knew my running was to be short lived. I quickly felt him grab me but I whirled round and pushed him back (well at least tried too!).

"Just leave me alone!" I screamed out at him but I couldn't look up at him when I said this. I turned back around, intending to storm off again but he had other ideas. He hadn't even moved an inch from my pus.h.i.+ng him, which had been like a cub scratching at a brick wall and expecting it come cras.h.i.+ng down! He grabbed me this time by my shoulders and refused to let me go. I tried to struggle and worm my way out of his hold but he held me like bear.

"Keira don't struggle! Stop it!" He was shouting at me but this just added fuel to my jealous rage that was burning out of control.

"Draven, LET GO!"

"No, not until you listen to reason!" His voice made me want to shake with fear as his uncontrolled demon was coming through. His eyes started to glow purple and a vein pulsated in his jaw. I don't know why, but in my head I thought this would be a good time to make things worse, and I wriggled my hands up to his chest and started pounding my fists against him as hard as I could.

This didn't hurt him, of course it didn't, but it sure did make him angrier. He was trying to control me and grabbed my wrists with lightning speed. Although he held me by my arms, my body had other ideas and I pulled back with all my weight, which seemed to add nothing at all.

"KEEP STILL GIRL!" His voice now growled with a demonic frustration and it shocked me into doing at I was told.

"Is that it, do I have to scare you to get you to listen to me!" His eyes burned into me like they were filled with purple lava ready to bubble over and burn me. I just swallowed and fear filled tears started to swell up. He did soften slightly when he saw this but when he saw the cut on my cheek from the gla.s.s shard earlier, he saw red or more like purple again. His face went hard and his hands tightened their grip making it impossible to move any other way than how he wanted me.

"Fine, you have your wish." He then walked in front of me pulling me along like a child does a rag doll.

"Draven, let me go!" I shouted out as it seemed to be easier when I wasn't looking into his powerful eyes.

"NO!... It's always the hard way with you, isn't it Keira? You wouldn't just listen to me...No instead I have you acting like a wild cat that can't be tamed!" I didn't respond but I really wanted to say something that including scratching his eyes out but I knew that way would just result in more fury and his rage was far scarier than mine!

He was taking me to his room as now I was back in familiar territory. We only had one more corner to turn and we would be at his door. I had gradually started to relax under his hold and as a result he had loosened his grip. I knew if I wanted to make my move it would have to be now or once in that room he wouldn't let me leave until he saw fit. I had to act quickly or he would home into my thoughts and put a stop to it before I even had chance to take a breath.

I counted to three and yanked my hand from his as hard as I could, taking him off guard. I was already facing the right way so all I had to do was sprint down the hall to the main doors.

"Oh no you don't, come here!" No surprises I didn't get very far. I turned back as he spoke but by doing this I b.u.mped right into his arms as he was standing in front of me ready to catch me. He swept me up into his arms kicking and screaming to be let down but he roughly pulled me into his body causing me to be still. He then kicked open his door making the hinges break and the wooden frame hang limply from the wall. As we pa.s.sed through it I could hear him say something under his breath and I watched the door heal itself before slamming shut and sealing me in.

He let go of me and I ran from him into a corner, panting like a small frightened animal. He too was breathing heavy and from what I knew about Draven, this was him trying to calm down. He had his back to me and it gave me a chance to wipe the tears from my cheeks. I wasn't in the mood to let him see me crying and weak like the scared child I felt like.

It was also the first time I noticed what he was wearing as he had changed from earlier. Before, he had been wearing black trousers with a pinstriped s.h.i.+rt without a tie. Now he was more casual in a tight black t-s.h.i.+rt that looked stretched to the limit around his tensed arms. His shoulders looked huge and indestructible, like he had spent his life chopping wood and carrying tree trunks over his shoulders.

He went down into a V shape at the waist and his long legs were also hidden in black having not taken his trousers off from before. He looked frightening all in black and when I lost my nerves I also lost my gift. The next thing I knew, two ma.s.sive wings erupted from his back as though there was an angel inside of him trying to burst through his golden skin.

The wings took up a lot of s.p.a.ce and seeing them inside a well lit room, made me want to go up and touch them. They were fascinating to watch. The way they moved with his body was so fluid and precise, as though the marriage between human and angel was so close to the thread, it was hard to believe they weren't one and the same. Not the way I was seeing him now anyway.

It had started with the wings but now the power had transformed his body into a demonic host that flowed to every visible piece of him. Purple veins lit up his strong body which had found a wall for both hands to rest against in frustration. He hung his head down and was muttering to himself in a different language that sounded purely evil.

"Sit down!" He ordered and when I pushed his b.u.t.tons by saying no, he hit the wall making me jump.

"SIT DOWN!" He shouted making me obey instantly. I placed myself on the edge of the bed and held onto the bed post with both arms like it would protect me from a demon's wrath. The wall had crumbled under pressure in the shape of a fist. He turned his head and said with an eerie calm, "Thank you."

He then turned his body and simply wiped the wall's stone dust from his knuckles that remained untouched and lifted a hand to the spot. The tiny particles scattered on the floor below all gathered in a little cloud and hovered its way back to the hole in the stone block. There they began to fuse back together and into the wall that was soon back to being whole again.

Seeing Draven get angry was one thing, but seeing him in his true form getting angry is not something to ever forget. He seemed to get bigger with it and I wondered if the reason I could see him fighting that night in the forest was down to him increasing in size. He didn't speak again until he had calmed and with him having time to control his emotions was enough time for me to control mine.

I closed my eyes and placed a memory of the usual Draven in my mind. When I opened my eyes again he was back and it was, thankfully, easier to breath. He let out an exasperated sigh making me stand once more. I didn't care if this set him off again, I wanted to be on equal grounds. I knew deep down that would never truly be, but the lie gave me more strength than the truth.

We were both now stood staring at each other, having some sort of Mexican stand-off show down. It felt like we kept coming full circle instead of ever moving forward. Like something wasn't right with us being together, some sort of imbalance the world was trying to correct. Why couldn't we just be together without other people getting in the way...was I to blame with provoking the whole Justin thing. Was this my punishment?

"Tell me what you're thinking... please, it's driving me near to insanity!" His desperation took me off guard. He came towards me slowly but stopped when I gestured for him to. At this he looked hurt.

"Why?" This was the only reaction to his question I could find but this just made his features turn to a haughtiness I had never seen before, like it was an obvious answer everyone knew but me. He looked for a second like he was going to answer me but then thought better of it. Instead he changed the subject and pointed to my face, bringing me back to the night's earlier horrors. The memory of Justin lying on the cold, wet ground, blind and frightened sprang back into my mind, generating a spark of anger into my already watery eyes.

"What happened to you, did he do this? If he did....!" His fingers curled into fists causing his knuckles to crack and turn white, making the blood from his hands to drain away and flow straight back to a fiery heart.

"You'll what? Blind him again? Torture him or will you just out right turn to a cold blooded killer this time?"

"The BOY did this to himself, he had a choice!" The word boy grated through his teeth like chalk on a black board.

"Choice! What choice? 'Cause I doubt he would have poisoned himself."

"I warned him what his actions would bring but this would have never had happened in the first place if you would have done what I asked. But oh no, not my girlfriend, not my Keira who always knows what is best!" For the first time I was seeing Draven's mocking side and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"I can take care of myself!" I said stubbornly and somehow by standing up and crossing my arms I was proving this.

"Ah yes, because that has been proven so well in the past." This was a cheap shot and he knew it, I could tell by the quick flash of guilt in his eyes that he tried to hide by looking down. His hair fell forward covering half of his face and after minutes of silence, he pushed it all back with both his hands and looked back up at me. He found me still shaking my head at him.

"So you're blaming me for tonight, am I hearing that right?" I c.o.c.ked my head to one side trying to come across as confident but he didn't seem convinced. Of course it didn't help when I was pulling down at my sleeves nervously, which he noticed.

"Partly yes... I tried to tell you of the boy's intentions but, as usual, you would not hear of it. In the end I took matters into my own hands and decidedly knew how to protect what is mine."

"You're trying to justify nearly killing someone just because they fancied your girlfriend?" I was expecting something more of a response than a simple shrug of the shoulders but no, that's all I got!

"The boy was in no danger, I take it the effects have worn off by now or you would be here accusing me of murder not just an attempt, which it wasn't."

"Did it ever occur to you that I could handle it myself, without all your voodoo mumbo jumbo c.r.a.p?"