You're A Horrible Person, But I Like You Part 1

You're a Horrible Person, but I Like You.

by Sarah Silverman, Zach Galifianakis.

Introduction.

Dear David Cross: We're thinking about publis.h.i.+ng a book of advice. It would involve getting a bunch of our favorite comedians and writers and actors (and whoever else is available) to answer questions on a variety of topics, particularly those in which they have very little knowledge or experience. Does this seem like a good idea?

Best, The Believer magazine magazine San Francisco, CA Dear The Believer The Believer magazine: magazine: Unfortunately, I cannot answer your impertinent question with a simple "Sure" or "Ha-ha! Wait, you're not serious, are you?" answer. I'm afraid this will take a great deal of thought and therefore time. I'm not sure that I have that time to give. I am currently in the middle of Doodle City: Legend of Kylarath Doodle City: Legend of Kylarath, and I am very close to getting an upgrade for my s.h.i.+eld of the Ancients and the magic grapes from the Innkeeper. I don't know that I can or want to help you. But ... a deal is a deal, yes?

What you have done for me is unforgivable. Sorry, Freudian slip. Unforgettable Unforgettable is what I meant. Okay then, let's do this. I will need to take off the next three weeks from work. (I am a life coach for Jack Welch.) Given that, I am booking a flight now to Upper Mongolia, where I can meditate on the answer unmolested by technology or beauty. is what I meant. Okay then, let's do this. I will need to take off the next three weeks from work. (I am a life coach for Jack Welch.) Given that, I am booking a flight now to Upper Mongolia, where I can meditate on the answer unmolested by technology or beauty.

There. I have booked it. Computers!!

The flight leaves tonight from Newark. It is costly and I am sitting in the back row just across from the toilet. I have been told to bring my own snacks, as none will be provided. I booked it on Orbitz.com less than five minutes ago and have already received four spam e-mails from them. No, I do not want to save up to 35 percent on a flight/hotel package to Disney World. less than five minutes ago and have already received four spam e-mails from them. No, I do not want to save up to 35 percent on a flight/hotel package to Disney World.

Before I leave for the airport, let me just ask this: Why? Is this book really necessary? Will it help? Or will it hurt? I mean really really hurt, like ten waterboardings and an Indian burn on your p.e.n.i.s and/or v.u.l.v.a? Have you given that any thought? What about animals? Are they being considered? Especially cute otters? What about the people of Southeast Asia? And why now? How come not in a couple of weeks? I don't understand. I especially don't understand why I am going on this long, involved, inconvenient trip. I could've just taken a bath. Oh well, the ticket has been paid for and is waiting in webs.p.a.ce. If nothing else, I should lose a couple of pounds from the dysentery. hurt, like ten waterboardings and an Indian burn on your p.e.n.i.s and/or v.u.l.v.a? Have you given that any thought? What about animals? Are they being considered? Especially cute otters? What about the people of Southeast Asia? And why now? How come not in a couple of weeks? I don't understand. I especially don't understand why I am going on this long, involved, inconvenient trip. I could've just taken a bath. Oh well, the ticket has been paid for and is waiting in webs.p.a.ce. If nothing else, I should lose a couple of pounds from the dysentery.

I'm going to take a quick nap and poo before the flight. Later, skater!

(A short while later.) Well, I am now at the gate and there has been a slight delay due to a military coup that took place earlier this evening in one of the cities we were supposed to stop in on the way. It was in the fictional town of Khurgiztisk. Hashna Hoti was thrown out of office and replaced by his brother Adnan, a high-ranking wizard in World of Warcraft. I am quickly losing power in my iPod as well. But that's okay; I brought along some mix tapes. I'm going to give them to the pilot to stick in the stereo once we level off and attain our cruising alt.i.tude. It's mostly Bikini Kill and early Faust. Oh, hang on.

(An indeterminate number of days later.) Great! The coup failed and we are cleared for takeoff. Adnan hoti was killed in the public square by children and wolves. Thank the G.o.ds! I can now eat those salt-and-vinegar pork rinds I found. The new leader is Grzk Usbghg, a donkey groomer from the early 1900s.

(One flight later.) I am now back in America and feel well rested if nothing else. You had asked me something earlier before I left the country. What was it? Something about your doing a book of "advice"? Well, before I can answer you, I need to ask a few questions.

1. Will this be a "for-profit" book, or will all monies collected be sent to charity, specifically the International a.s.sociation for Blinds and Deafs?

2. Will it be "funny"? And if so, will it be smugly absurd or absurdly smug?

3. Who played shortstop for the Atlanta Braves after Rafael Ramirez?

4. Will this be the kind of book I can find and purchase at the airport or will I have to go to a scary anarchist's underground bunker to find it?

5. Will I receive credit toward junior college for this?

6. I believe that five questions are enough. But not more than enough. That would be six questions.

7. Please see question number 6.

Until I receive a satisfactory reply to the above, I'm afraid I can't help you.

Anxiously awaiting your reply (not really), David Cross

Aziz Ansari Dear Aziz: My best friend recently asked if my wife is a beard. I don't understand the question. Is he luring me into a game of absurdist improv? Should I respond with "No, she's a teapot. Is your wife a Persian rug?"

R. Hayes Bakersfield, CA Dear R. Hayes: Your playful back-and-forth makes it very clear. You should respond with "Brian, I love you and I want to leave my wife." Hide your true feelings no more.

Aziz ...

Dear Aziz: I just saw my grandma's tattoos. Suddenly I don't want tattoos anymore. (That was the saddest-looking unicorn I've ever seen.) Is there a way of getting rid of a tramp stamp without expensive surgery?

Mikayla Mississauga, ON, Canada Dear Mikayla: Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. The best thing to do is to get tattoos that age well. Perhaps a tattoo of a young Michael Caine, which will age gracefully into a tattoo of an older Michael Caine. Another option is to get a huge arrow tattooed on your back. Have it point to the tat, and at the top write, "I really regret this and I promise I'm not a wh.o.r.e."

Aziz ...

Dear Aziz: How long can you spend masturbating to pictures of ex-girlfriends on Facebook before it becomes a problem?

Ethan Boise, ID Dear Ethan: At the current time, I'd say you don't have a problem. But if it moves from Facebook to Twitter and you are simply masturbating to her Twitter updates, then it's time to step away and rea.s.sess the situation.

Aziz ...

Dear Aziz: How does one go about becoming a ward of the state? It sounds like a sweet deal.

Daniel Wyatt Minneapolis, MN Dear Daniel: Unfortunately, I'm too lazy to go to Wikipedia or Google and find out exactly what a ward of the state is. The person sitting next to me didn't know either. I suggest you drop this dream.

Aziz ...

Dear Aziz: Every time I think of her, I get so dizzy that I want to throw up. Am I in love?

Just Gavin Cleveland, OH Dear Gavin: This happened to me once, too. You used old milk in the macaroni you just made. Don't eat any more!

Aziz ...

Dear Aziz: Can a single woman and a married man be "just friends"? We've made jokes like "What's a handjob between pals?" But I'm pretty sure he was just kidding. Oh c.r.a.p, does he think he's getting a handjob? Dammit!

Charlotte Boston, MA Dear Charlotte: I was once a maid in a very posh hotel, and a guest who was running for senator came into the room of a socialite to say h.e.l.lo. I was inside cleaning and was trying on a fancy jacket owned by the socialite. The senatorial candidate walked in and, believing that I was the socialite, went with me on a walk in the park. There was a bond formed based on a lie, but I had to pursue it.

So my answer is I'm not sure; I just wanted to tell someone I was the inspiration for the hit film Maid in Manhattan Maid in Manhattan, starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes.

Aziz

Judd Apatow Dear Judd: I was talking on the phone with my brother not long ago, and while we were saying our goodbye I told him I loved him. He seemed hesitant to return the words. I haven't said it again since, but it's been on my mind. What's wrong with telling your brother you love him? Could it be some deep-seated h.o.m.ophobia?

Feeling Unloved in Alaska Dear Feeling Unloved in Alaska: I am confused. Are these questions for real or is this column a joke? If this is real, I would say that it is often hard for siblings to connect after so many difficult years of rivalry and compet.i.tion for the love of their parents. If this is a fake letter then I am not sure what to say. Am I supposed to make a joke?

Judd ...

Dear Judd: My neighbor's dog has been leaving "surprises" on my front lawn. I've complained about it repeatedly, but he refuses to curb his dog or, at the very least, keep the mutt on a leash. Legally, does this give me the right to take a dump on his property?

Ready to p.o.o.p Clearwater, FL Dear Ready to p.o.o.p: This one feels like a fake letter. The question is not very funny or unique. I thought The Believer The Believer was written by smart, literate people. Or maybe they are so smart that they don't know how to write dirty questions and jokes. I wonder if these questions are lame as some sort of ironic comment on how the magazine feels about me. was written by smart, literate people. Or maybe they are so smart that they don't know how to write dirty questions and jokes. I wonder if these questions are lame as some sort of ironic comment on how the magazine feels about me.

Judd ...

Dear Judd: My son was just diagnosed with a wheat allergy. Does this mean he's going to be rotten at compet.i.tive sports?

Hand-wringing Father in St. Louis Dear Hand-wringing Father in St. Louis: Now, this is the type of question that only an egghead unfunny human can write. When looked at from every possible direction it is devoid of humor. It is also so unfunny that there's no way for me to spin it funny, even if I comment on how unfunny it is. I don't see how any of this promotes Funny People Funny People. Maybe that is the whole point. They are so against that type of promotion and publicity that they invite me to answer these questions, knowing I will fail. My failure is their intellectual way of attacking me for being commercial. I can't believe The Believer The Believer is so mean and judgmental. is so mean and judgmental.

Judd ...

Dear Judd: I'm reading a book and I really hate it, but I'm almost done. I think I'm going to finish it, but I'm having an existential crisis re: wasting my life reading a book I hate. On the other hand, my parents raised me to believe that once you read the first page, you're committed to the last page. But this book is just so bad. Any advice?

Claire Baltimore, MD Dear Claire: See, this one feels real. I like this question. I personally own thousands of books and have read maybe twenty in the last five years. I have read one or two pages of all of them. So I say, put it down with pride. s.h.i.+t, The Believer The Believer just got me to admit how illiterate and uneducated I am. just got me to admit how illiterate and uneducated I am.

Judd ...

Dear Judd: I'm getting married next weekend and my bride-to-be has decided that we should write our own vows. Can you help me come up with something that's (a) totally romantic, and (b) lets my bros know that I think this is just as queer as they do?

Thanks.

Hoping Not to Look Like a f.a.g at the Altar Boston, MA Dear Hoping Not to Look Like a f.a.g at the Altar: This one is clearly a joke meant to comment on the current trend of "bromance comedies," which some have blamed on me. If I answer this one, I am accepting the fact that they think I would use words like "bros" and "queer." So I refuse to respond, even with a joke as a form of protest. Think about my movies, really think about them, and you will see there are all sorts of levels and s.h.i.+t in there.

Judd ...

Dear Judd: How do I get rid of this cowlick? Besides a hat, I mean.

Confused in San Francisco Dear Confused in San Francisco: Now I am embarra.s.sed. I have clearly used an ironic approach to answer these questions as a way to seem like I fit into the style of The Believer The Believer, when the truth is that I don't even understand what the style of The Believer The Believer is and actually have a hard time reading it because it's so d.a.m.n smart. I like twenty-page articles on the history of the Helvetica font and interviews with Todd Haynes as much as the next guy, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I like saying I read is and actually have a hard time reading it because it's so d.a.m.n smart. I like twenty-page articles on the history of the Helvetica font and interviews with Todd Haynes as much as the next guy, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I like saying I read The Believer The Believer more than I like actually reading it. It looks great in the magazine rack in my bathroom and sitting on the floor of my office. And even though I have never read one cover-to-cover, I glow in the pride of being a buyer of it when people notice I have it on an airplane or when I read it in front of them so they know I am smart. So f.u.c.k you, more than I like actually reading it. It looks great in the magazine rack in my bathroom and sitting on the floor of my office. And even though I have never read one cover-to-cover, I glow in the pride of being a buyer of it when people notice I have it on an airplane or when I read it in front of them so they know I am smart. So f.u.c.k you, The Believer The Believer, for exposing me like this. I don't need you. I think leaving a McSweeney's McSweeney's around makes me look cool enough. around makes me look cool enough.

Judd

Fred Armisen Dear Fred: What do you think is the best way to tell my dad I'm a lesbian? I'm thinking he's already suspicious since I'm thirty-one and haven't yet brought a guy home.

Jennifer Alfonso Tampa, FL Dear Jennifer: I'll tell him. What's his number? Let me practice what I'm going to say to him. "Hi, Mr. Alfonso? I'm Fred Armisen from Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live on NBC." No, no, no. "Hey! Senor Alfonso! Whatchoo' doin'? Slap me five!" No. "Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let's talk about your daughter." No. I'll figure it out. But again, his number, please. on NBC." No, no, no. "Hey! Senor Alfonso! Whatchoo' doin'? Slap me five!" No. "Mr. Alfonso, this is an amazing, weird planet we live on. Look at that sky. Is there a name for such a beautiful color? Let's talk about your daughter." No. I'll figure it out. But again, his number, please.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: Which is better for cannabis, the cookie or the brownie? Or are we all off track? Should we explore other options, like marmalade or trail mix? Plus, do you have any recipes?

Jack Foster Queens, NY Dear Jack: Leave sweets alone. They don't need your cannabis. Why would you want to ruin a delicious brownie? Here's a recipe: Go out your front door. Get in your car. Drive down the street. Go to a parking lot. Get out of your car and sit on the hood. Think about your question. Think about the fact that you don't know me well enough to ask me a question like that. It's called manners. Have them.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: I'm a college student turning twenty. The last girlfriend I had was in high school, and that was after three years of asking her out every summer. In college, I find it hard to meet girls with similar interests, like television on DVD or sixty trips to the movie theater a year. Do I have to give up my obviously unsuccessful lifestyle and become more intrepid to find available women, or is there a woman out there sedate enough for me to date?

Na Jo Chicago, IL Dear Na: There are many holes in your story. The numbers don't check out. You're turning twenty but you spent three summers without a girlfriend but you had one in high school? The math doesn't work. Sixty trips to the movie theater a year but you're a full-time student, which means you can only work part-time but you're also into DVDs? It doesn't make sense. What are you really trying to ask me? I know. You want to ask me why my arms are so built. Na! Don't be so shy. Go ahead and ask. It comes from rigorous weight lifting and weight training. Some push-ups, but mostly weights.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: I recently received an e-mail from a female friend whom I'd been romantically involved with over the summer. Things ended badly, and the e-mail was an apology for her jealous behavior. Should I accept her apology?

Andrew McIntyre Was.h.i.+ngton, DC Dear Andrew: Here's a quote from a speech by Mahatma Gandhi, 1945: "Breakups are hard. Breakups are hard. You say these things and it's like ... I don't know. I don't get jealous, you know? I just get mad sometimes. Like 'What did that guy say to you?' That kind of thing. A friend of mine is going through this and it's like ... I know what you're going through. Really."

Hope it helps.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: When she saw me attempting to clean my ears with a Q-tip, my mother would chide me and say, "The only thing you should put in your ear is your elbow." What is the proper way to clean one's ears and how often should they be cleaned?

Ben Brown Marietta, GA Dear Ben: There's a chemical solution that I like to use. I buy it online. It's a boric protein mixed with dubnium (I think the chemical compound is Db2?) that I insert as a powder before I go to bed. After it settles into my ear ca.n.a.l, I wait an hour and add two drops of calcite (you can get calcite drops at drugstores in Brooklyn and Oakland) that immediately create a loud froth. I then go to my sink and spit out the waxy, b.l.o.o.d.y remnants. I know it's a little involved, but it does create a thoroughly clean ear.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: Are there any meats not worth boiling?

Chris Elzinga San Francisco, CA Dear Chris: Do not boil meats! Wow, Chris! What are you doing? Use your grill. Use a pan. Are you from a third-world country? If you are, here's a message to all your countrymen: Don't boil meats! It's one of the main reasons tourists don't visit your third-world country. We get grossed out when we see a pot of boiling water with meats rolling around in it.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: A couple of days after being washed, my hair forms a sort of natural gel that holds any style I desire. Many people have told me that this is disgusting and I should just wash my hair and purchase a commercial hair product. Is it wrong that I choose to save money and go with the styling gel that G.o.d gave me?

Mark Iosifescu New York, NY Dear Mark: The people who tell you this are not your friends. You are a punk. Remember that. They don't even know what punk is. They think it's the Police but they are wrong. You know what they are? Preppies. Tell them to go buy another alligator s.h.i.+rt.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: I just got out of rehab and I'm wondering how to get back into the swing of "normal" life. Do you have any pearls of wisdom on how to feel at ease in society without the handy dandy use of any narcotic?

Lorelei Leslie Santa Monica, CA Dear Lorelei: The healthiest thing to do would be to replace your addiction with another (gambling, alcohol, rage, etc.). I went to an addictions specialist and she told me the opposite, but let's ignore that advice. Also, don't forget that it's perfectly fine to lie to yourself about whether or not you're using narcotics.

Fred ...

Dear Fred: How is it that the mangoes I buy in a jar are so uniform? Is it done by a machine? Who cuts them? When I purchase the jarred and perfectly luscious slices, am I supporting some horrible sweatshop full of miserable mango fabricators, hunched over with fingers puckered and slippery with the mangoes' sweet nectar?

Susan Shuemake Dallas, TX Dear Susan: I forwarded your letter to a mango jarrery in California. This is from the employees: Dear Susan:We are writing to you from a horrible sweatshop. It is very sweaty in here. We are mango fabricators and are miserable because it is full of us here. We are hunched over with fingers puckered and slippery with the mangoes' sweet nectar. Please visit us. You can come in on our breaks. 10:15 to 10:30 a.m. is the first one, so do that one.

You should do it, Susan!

Fred

Maria Bamford Dear Maria: My little sister is engaged to a total slimeball. I haven't told her how I feel, because she already thinks I want to sleep with him (long story). How can I sabotage their relations.h.i.+p without making my sister hate me forever?

Reluctant Bridesmaid Glendale, CA Dear RB in GC: Slimeb.a.l.l.s are a great addition to any family! Does he work long hours, carefully weighing out precise one-ounce packets of crank? Does he wait outside bars in his Mercedes SUV with a baseball bat for his family's collection agency? Whatever his characteristics, he's clearly fun. Enjoy! He's bringing a long-overdue, dramatic, triangular element to you and your sister's boring, resentful back-and-forth. Who cares whom she "loves"? You do. Awesome. Go for it. Fight, manipulate, flirt with him and your sister! Let me know what happens!

Maria ...

Dear Maria: I know that your age is just a number, but recently I feel like I'm becoming old. Not for the obvious reasons-going to sleep before 9:00 p.m., enjoying brunch specials, hating modern music-but because I'm pretty sure I'm shrinking. I saw it happen to my grandparents and parents, and now it's happening to me. Is there any way to reverse this process, or should I just check myself into a retirement community?