On A Wing And A Prayer Part 33

Rox read the note over one more time before sending it out. Glancing at the clock, she noticed it was nearly 2 a.m. Yawning loudly, she rose from her chair and made her way down one flight of stairs to her room where she promptly disrobed and slipped a baseball jersey over her head to sleep in. Crawling between the sheets, she pulled the blankets up under her chin and laced her fingers behind her head. For the next half hour, she stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep.

What do I really feel for Ca.s.s? she asked herself. She certainly is beautiful ... and intelligent ... and capable. Do I love her? I don't know... Is this what love feels like? Christ, Rox, you have got to get your life together, she thought. Maybe it's too soon to have a relations.h.i.+p. Maybe you need to give yourself some time to recover from the disastrous life you lived with Chris.

Rox rolled over onto her side and pulled her knees to her chest. Her mind continued to wander.

Nikki and Jerri seem so sure of their love. Will I ever have that kind of security in a relations.h.i.+p? Could I have that with Ca.s.s? Do I WANT that with Ca.s.s? she questioned. Christ, woman ... you need to confront your feelings ... you need to understand what all this means ... you need to understand the consequences of entering into this kind of relations.h.i.+p.

Rox suddenly sat up as a disturbing thought entered her mind. Oh G.o.d! What about Mom and Dad? What will they think? How do I tell them? 'Ah, by the way, Mom, Dad, I'm a lesbian!' Holy s.h.i.+t! How would they take it? Would they disown me? Can I send my father to his grave with that on his mind? G.o.d I hate this!

Rox pulled her knees up and dropped her forehead down to meet them, trying desperately to clear her mind of these disturbing thoughts. Soon, her eyes started to close as she nearly lost her balance and toppled onto her side, catching herself before she fell. Stretching out her legs, she laid down and pulled the blankets up once more. Within minutes, she was fast asleep.

CHAPTER x.x.x.

7:00 A.M. SAt.u.r.dAY morning found Ca.s.s already up, dressed and finis.h.i.+ng her morning run. Having gone to bed so early the night before, she had awakened at 5:30 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep. After her workout and a leisurely breakfast with Angie, she ran home and showered, and by 9 a.m., was curled up comfortably on the couch, doing the crossword from the newspaper.

"Let's see ...," she said out loud, "five letter word for postal telecommunications,"

E-mail. Enforcer answered for her.

"E-mail ... that fits! Thanks E!" she replied. "E-mail .....," she said again, looking wistfully toward the office.

Do you think she's called, E? she asked herself.

h.e.l.l! You're a sucker for punishment - go check! Enforcer urged.

Rising to her feet, Ca.s.s crossed the room in three strides and pushed the door open. Seconds later, she was sitting in front of the computer, waiting once more for it to go through it's long boot-up process. Her leg nervously shook up and down as she made threatening gestures toward the CPU. Just as her patience was stretched to the limit, the boot-up completed, allowing her to select Nestcape Messenger. Knowing she would surely throw the computer out the window if she was forced to sit through the long dial-up process, she retreated to the kitchen and make a cup of coffee. By the time she returned to the office, the server had delivered one piece of new mail to her inbox. It was from Rox.

She replied E! Ca.s.s exclaimed to her alter ego as she opened the note.

Whoop-tee-do, Ca.s.s. Do you want me to cheer or do cartwheels? Enforcer asked sarcastically.

Ignoring her own caustic thoughts, Ca.s.s read the note three times, her heart rising higher in her throat with each pa.s.s. Clicking the 'reply' b.u.t.ton, she began composing a reply.

"Dearest Rox,

Please don't apologize for your harsh tones. I sorely deserved them. I am generally not a coward, but I couldn't bear the thought that you had rejected me. I have never been so heartbroken in my life.

Rox, I know you're scared. I was terrified when I realized I was gay. It was all so new to me. It wasn't very well accepted by my family, nor by the community I was living in at the time. I know it's hard to separate the emotions from the gender... but Nikki is right, this is about love, and I love you with all my heart.

Rox, you are the only one who can decide if this type of love is right for you. I know how confused you are. The only way you will know for sure is to explore the possibility ... at your own pace. Please let me be the one you explore it with. I promise to be patient ... I promise not to push you into something you are not ready for. I know you may decide in the end that lesbian love is NOT for you. That is a chance I am willing to take.

Nikki and Jerri seem like wonderful friends, Rox. Learn by their experience. Jerri is right ... it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. To be connected to another human being on such an emotionally intimate level ... Rox, the physical side of lesbian love is such a small part of what it's all about. It is a blending of two souls, two hearts, two minds, on a level that isn't possible in male/female relations.h.i.+ps. The physical expression only adds to the beauty. I so long to share my soul, heart and mind with you, my love.

Rox, I want to be with you. I love you. I want to help you understand these feelings. I want to be there to hold you when you open your eyes each morning. I want to make love to you each night. I want to hold you when you cry and take care of you when you're ill. I want to envelop you in a coc.o.o.n of love and protect you from the less pleasurable side of life. Rox, I want to dedicate the rest of my life to making you happy and whole. Talk to me, Rox.

I love you with everything that I am,

Ca.s.s"

Feeling very sure that Rox would see the love she had written into her words, she eagerly clicked on 'send', holding her breath as the note disappeared from the screen.

G.o.d, I really need to get to work on this book. My agent is going to kill me if I delay the deadline any more, Rox thought as she selected the word processor resident on her hard drive. She woke up at 9 a.m., and an hour later, started collecting research information through the Internet, for her next chapter on distant galaxies. In the middle of her research, Nikki called and invited herself over for lunch, promising to be there within an hour. Hanging up the phone, Rox absently selected her word processor, sending the Netscape icon to her toolbar in standby mode.

Rox was deeply absorbed in her research when Nikki poked her head into the office. "I'm taking orders ... got any requests?" she asked.

Rox looked up and graced her best friend with a brilliant smile. "Good Morning, Nik," she said. "I didn't hear you come in."

"You know, Rox. One of these days, leaving your door unlocked while you're squirreled away in this attic office is going to get you ripped off," Nikki warned. "You're lucky I wasn't a burglar or something."

Rox just shrugged and turned her attention back to the papers in front of her.

"Well?" Nikki asked.

"Well, what?" Rox replied.

"Lunch?" came the answer.

"Oh!" Rox said, embarra.s.sed that she was so distracted. "Ah, hold on. I'll give you a hand. I need a break anyway." Pus.h.i.+ng herself away from the desk, she rose to her feet and followed her friend down the stairs. Seconds later, an exclamation mark appeared next to the envelope icon on the bottom right corner of her screen. She had new mail.

"So, have you heard from Ca.s.s?" Nikki asked as she spooned some soup into her mouth.

"No, I haven't," Rox replied. "I sent a note last night apologizing for being so harsh in my last note, but no reply has come through as of this morning," Rox said, disappointment tingeing her voice.

"Maybe she's angry with you, Rox. You know, it was pretty rude of you to run away from her like that," Nikki pointed out.

Rox placed her fork down on the table and wiped her mouth. Looking at her friend with saddened eyes, she replied. "I know, Nik. I can't believe I did that. It's just that I didn't expect her to be a woman. I didn't know how to react! It scared the s.h.i.+t out of me," she confessed.

"How DO you feel about her, Roxie," Nikki asked anxiously.

Rox furrowed her brow, then shook her head side to side. "I don't know, Nik. I just don't know. I definitely feel something stronger than friends.h.i.+p, but I don't know if I'd call it love. It's all so confusing. Nikki ... up until now, the thought never crossed my mind that I could be gay. Aarrgghh! This really sucks! I just want to crawl into bed and wake up to have this all resolved. I really don't want to deal with it!" she exclaimed.

Nikki just nodded her head. "So what's the next move?" she asked her red headed friend.

"I guess I just wait to see if she responds to the note. What else CAN I do, Nik?" Rox asked.

"What do you WANT to do, Rox?" Nikki answered with a question of her own.

Rox threw her head back and closed her eyes, then opened them and stared at the ceiling for a moment or two before looking back at her friend. "I want this to be over. I want it to be resolved. I want life to be good again," she replied.

"Hmmph!" Nikki snorted. "I didn't hear you say you wanted her out of your life."

"No, I didn't, Nik ... I just don't know," she finished as she took her last sip of coffee. "Look, I gotta get back upstairs. I've got a book to write," she added rising to her feet.

"Mind if I keep you company for a while? Jerri's working until midnight, and it gets real lonely around the house all by myself," Nikki commented.

"Sure ... come on," Rox replied smiling.

"Let me clean up here first. You go on ... I'll be there in a few minutes," the blonde said as she wistfully watched her friend head toward the stairs.

Before returning to work, Rox fixed herself a cup of tea in the kitchenette area of the office and went onto the widow's walk to enjoy the ocean while she drank it. While she stood against the railing, she quietly contemplated her feelings.

Ca.s.s, why have you invaded my every thought? How can you walk into my life and completely turn it upside down? I have been forced to rethink my entire philosophy ... rethink all the beliefs that I have built my life around. Why am I allowing you to do this to me? G.o.ds, I'm so confused, she thought.

Sighing deeply, she returned to her computer and sat down. The computer had thrown itself into sleep mode while she was having brunch with Nikki. Reaching down, she pressed the b.u.t.ton on the front of the CPU and waited for the system to wake up. Within moments, she was presented once more with her word processor.

Just as she was about to start writing, she noticed the mail icon at the bottom of the screen indicating the presence of new mail. Reaching over with the mouse, she double clicked on the icon and opened her In box. It contained a note from Ca.s.s.

Rox sat there staring at the screen, her heart in her throat, as she read Ca.s.s' loving words. Tears rapidly formed in her eyes as she marveled at the fact that Ca.s.s was still so loving, despite the harsh treatment she received at the hands of the red head.

Ca.s.s, why do you love me? After the way I've treated you, I'm surprised you want anything to do with me, Rox thought as she reread the note once more. Taking a deep breath, she looked at her watch and agonized about taking time away from her writing. To h.e.l.l with it, she thought. The book can wait. My heart needs attention right now.

Posing her hands over the keys, she began to write.

"Dear Ca.s.s,

Sweetheart, if anyone is a coward, it is me. When I first laid eyes on you and realized you were a woman, I was terrified. I didn't know how to deal with it, so I ran. I am so sorry. When I put myself in your shoes, I realize how devastated you must have felt. I am not in the habit of intentionally hurting people. I am very ashamed of my behavior and my cowardice.

Ca.s.s, how did you know you were gay? How did you deal with it? I have a queasy stomach just thinking about it. I have looked the relations.h.i.+p between Nikki and Jerri and often wished that mine with Chris was as loving and close, but it just wasn't possible. Is that because Chris is a man, or because he just wasn't right for me? It is all so confusing.

I don't know how my family would react. My father is dying. Would I be sending him to his grave with a broken heart if he knew? I can't do that to him ... not even for my own happiness. Christ, this is so frustrating!

Ca.s.s, you suggest that I explore the possibility before I make up my mind. Part of me wants to vehemently deny that I am gay. Another part of me is curious. That part of me wants to explore. That part of me wants to be with you, to learn from you. I know you would be patient, Ca.s.s. If I close my eyes, and imagine, I can see you holding me close, kissing me, making love to me. I am not ignorant to lesbian love. If you knew Nikki and Jerri like I do, you'd know why (it seems like every time I call them, I'm interrupting something, lol!). But to be honest, I really don't know if I'm ready for this, and I am so afraid of hurting you more if I agree to try, and then fail.

I so desperately want the emotional connection you speak of ... the blending of souls, but I am so afraid of hurting you and myself in the process. You can see who the real coward is, Ca.s.s.

Ca.s.s, what you offer is so tempting. I DO long to wake up each morning in loving arms. Heaven knows, I didn't have that with Chris. To be surrounded with love and tenderness is more than I can imagine. I have never known that type of relations.h.i.+p before. d.a.m.n it! Why is this so hard? Why can't I just say, 'Yes, Ca.s.s. Come to me, love me, and let me love you?' Why? I have so much to think about ... so much to deal with! I am so sorry to put you through this Ca.s.s. It must hurt you terribly.

Well, I really have to get to work on my book. My agent is becoming very impatient with me. So, I guess I'll sign off for now. You have given me a lot to think about, Ca.s.s. I know I owe you an answer. I will search my heart, and hope soon that I will be able to tell you how I feel. Thank you so much for being patient with me.

I'll talk to you later,

Love,

Rox"

Rox sat for long moments, staring at the screen after she sent the note, unaware that her best friend was standing in the doorway, watching her with concern and trepidation. Ca.s.s, please don't play with her heart, Nikki thought. She has been through so much ... she doesn't need more heartache. Sighing deeply, she made her presence known as she entered the room and settled on the couch to read while her friend worked furiously at her keyboard.

Ca.s.s paced the floor for several long moments after sending her note to Rox, hoping against hope that she would reply immediately. After a half hour, it became apparent that a timely reply was not forthcoming.

Woman, you are pathetic, E scolded. Look at you! Ever hear the saying, 'a watched pot never boils?'. If you keep staring at the monitor like that, you'll have the words 'Netscape Messenger' permanently burned into your retina!

E, it's been a half hour. Maybe she's read my note and blown me off. I know she's angry - heaven knows she has a right to be, Ca.s.s replied.

Maybe she's busy. She's in the middle of writing a book, isn't she? E asked.

Yeah, but ..., Ca.s.s started.