Bad Habits Part 8

She looked down. Danny pointed to a box of graham crackers he loved. They were the most expensive out of all the crackers. That and ginger snaps. But she bought both, pa.s.sing her sons the boxes to hold. They grinned from the basket, shooting a surge of love through her heart. Her children loved her unconditionally. And she loved them even more.

"Kim?"

She glanced back to see Mathew. He had a green basket hooked over his arm. He wore jeans and a sweats.h.i.+rt with a hood. He lowered it with a smile to his lips and eyes. She really did like how calm she felt when looking into his eyes. And lunch with him was nice, which surprised her. "Hi."

"Whoa," he said, stepping forward. "Are these your sons?"

Kim looked back to her boys. "This is Denny and this is Danny."

"What you got there, Danny?" he asked.

"Cookie!" Danny said "Hi," said Denny.

Mathew smiled. "h.e.l.lo, Denny and Danny. You know those are my favorite too?"

"Cookie!" Danny repeated.

"That's right, cookie, but you have to be careful." He peeked over his shoulder then back at the toddlers. "Do you know why?"

The twins stared up at him. Kim wasn't sure that they understood. She talked mostly baby talk with them. But they listened to him as if they did. Mathew moved in close. "Because they are the favorite cookies of the cookie monster!" He tickled them both, and the twins laughed, kicking their feet. The box of graham crackers dropped.

Kim picked them up, shaking her head. "Wow, you should have been a pediatrician. That bedside manner could do me a lot of good when it's time for their shots."

"Bring them to me. I'll give them their shots," he offered.

She smiled. "So you shopping too?"

Kim looked down into his basket. It was pathetically filled with a can of tuna, bread, eggs and mayo. She looked back up at him.

Mathew shrugged.

"What can I say? Tuna's my specialty."

"Aww, that's sad," Kim joked.

Mathew looked into her eyes. "Haven't had a home cooked meal in a long time. Now that is sad."

The message wasn't lost on her. She blushed. She looked away. "Well, I should let you get back to it," she said, about to push off. He stepped back. When she looked back, he was waving at her sons, and Denny was reaching, calling to him. She bit hard on the inside of her mouth, struggling for a second longer. Then she stopped. "I'm making lasagna tonight. I... well you could come over and have some. I owe you for the car, lunch. It's fine if you like."

"I wasn't soliciting," Mathew chuckled.

"Sure you were." She dropped a hand to her hip.

"I don't want to impose," Mathew answered.

"No imposition. Mama cooks for her boys all the time. It's up to you or..."

"Yes!" he blurted.

Kim laughed. She, too, was surprised at her offering. But her sons' giggling and talking gibberish at their new friend, mixed with Matt's calming nature made it easier. Besides, it was dinner, and he was a colleague. There was nothing inappropriate about it. "I'm a sucker for a man who hasn't been fed right." She went into her purse and removed a pen. She tore off a blank piece of paper from her wallet and scribbled her address and phone number. "If tuna doesn't fill you up, dinner is at six. The boys go down at seven."

"I'll be there at five thirty." He smiled, accepting the paper. Kim felt flushed again. Thank G.o.d she was black and could conceal it under her brown skin tone, because the man constantly made her blush.

"Okay, see you then."

She pushed off.

"Bye!" said Denny.

"Bye!" said Danny.

Mathew growled at them and they laughed. She looked back at him once more and shook her head, smiling. They turned the corner and she tried to settle the boys who were now worked up to a bouncing laughing frenzy. "Did Mama just set a play date for you two?"

They looked up curiously. "You boys can make Mama do just about anything."

She made her own sauce with tomatoes diced into inch thick cubes then boiled down nicely. Kim mixed in several finely cut cloves of garlic, thyme, a pinch of dried oregano, and a dash of marjoram. After simmering for under ten minutes, she added her special ingredient: red wine. That was for the adult batch of course, because she figured Mathew could take the leftovers home with him. The boys would have spaghetti. Simone always questioned how she managed to get the taste so smooth and tangy. Kim, however, kept those recipes close to her chest.

Then came the tinkle of laughter. It was that beautiful sound that made her heart swell. "What you doing in there?" she called out, but she knew. The laughter grew louder. Kim stepped away from the stove and peeked out of the kitchen. It was just as she thought. Her boys were in t-s.h.i.+rts shaking their diapered b.u.t.ts to Happy Feet.

She always had that DVD on rotation when she needed to keep them occupied. The penguins danced and sang on mounds of icy white snow. The twins spun around then held hands dancing. Kim could do nothing but smile. Returning to her cooking, she stirred and sang along. She sampled the sauce, eyeing the dried pasta that she needed to boil. A taste had her reaching for a little more salt while the beef chuck browned in the pan. Her nose tickled from the strong aroma of garlic and pepper.

When she tried to turn the dial on the stove to lower the gas flame under the skillet, her hand seized up with tremors. Shocked, Kim lifted her open palm. She worked to control it. She could barely close it to a fist. Frightened, she sucked in deep breaths, holding her hand with the other trying to ma.s.sage away the strange spasms and praying for it to pa.s.s. But it continued to shake with needle p.r.i.c.k pain, distressing the nerves along her muscle tendons to her elbow. The Oxycodone, when snorted had longer lasting effects. Mostly she made it through the weekend without suffering too many urges. But she didn't snort during the week anymore because of the nosebleeds. The back pains only came after long periods on her feet. Dr. Patel put her on it because the Vicodin didn't last as long and she couldn't take it around her babies. Now she was back on the Vicodin, thanks to her stealing, and her last pill was Friday. It wasn't working.

"Mama?"

She turned with a gasp caught in her throat, holding her hand, tears in her eyes.

Denny smiled up at her. He walked over with his cup held high. "Juice!"

"Baby, I..."

"Mama?" Danny walked in with his cup. Of course he did. One would follow the other. One wanted juice and so did the other even though Danny's cup was half filled and Denny's emptied.

"I want juice!" Danny said.

Kim dropped her hip to the stove while holding her hand. The shakes wouldn't stop. Her heart was racing, and her throat was dry. She blinked and tried to focus to be sure not to scare the kids. "Pu-put the cups down, baby. Mama will do it. Okay?"

The boys tossed the cups to the sink and then ran out. She closed her eyes. "Okay, stop it. You're fine. This will pa.s.s. It'll pa.s.s."

The phone rang, and she nearly jumped from her skin. She noticed the tremors in her hand had lessened but hadn't stopped. They would, she told herself. It was nothing more than a muscle cramp. Reaching for the phone, she put it under the side of her face, cradling it with her lifted shoulder. She closed her eyes and squeezed her hand. "He-llo?"

"Hey, Kim, it's Simone."

"What's up?"

"Trust me, you don't want to know. How you doing? How's my babies?" Simone asked. "They miss their auntie?"

"Fine." She stared down at her hand. She was able to wiggle her fingers. Tears dropped from relief. "I'm okay. Your babies are okay. How about you? Did you talk to Keith about the Fourth?"

"No. Too mad. I'm ready to choke Keith, but what else is new."

"Mmhm, that's good." She kept working her hand wondering if this was something else. Maybe it was neurological, something more than withdrawal. Whatever it was it scared the s.h.i.+t out of her.

"Kim?"

"Yeah? I heard you, strangle Keith, I get it," she chuckled. "What did Mr. G.Q. do now?"

"To h.e.l.l with him!"

"Simone?"

"Sorry, I'm thinking of coming home. Just for a little while. Staying with you. No. Scratch that. I am coming home. I can stay with you and take care of the boys while you work. We can do some shopping all on Keith." She tried to sound tough, but Kim could hear her sister's pain in her voice. "Maybe in a few weeks, I don't know. Maybe I'll go see Mama?" Simone said.

Kim paid attention at the mention of Diane.

"Either way, Kim, I think you need me, cause, well I need you. I can help you with the boys or something-"

"No," Kim said, her breathing strained. The last thing she needed was someone there watching, seeing, noticing. h.e.l.l it was hard enough to keep off of Anne's radar. Simone would pick up on her issues. She almost did before she left, finding her in the bathroom with a nosebleed. It was too close of a call. "I mean, no, you can't come here trying to rescue me. I know you're worried, but I'm okay. We're okay."

"It's not that. It's Keith... let me tell you what he did."

"Simone, we'll see each other for the Fourth. You just got there. You should stay an-and get settled in. Don't worry about us. We're fine. Please," Kim wheezed.

"Oh, okay."

She heard the disappointment in her sister's voice. Sharp pangs of guilt stabbed her heart. She inhaled deeply, and then exhaled slowly to pace herself. She had to get her life together. She didn't need anyone for that. She had to do it on her own. "I love you so much. I miss you too, but I'm getting the boys settled now. Girl, if you show up spoiling their rotten b.u.t.ts, you'll throw me off my routine. Understand? Besides, you and Keith are like newlyweds or something, starting over and all. A new place, new friends, I envy you girl. Enjoy it. Don't worry about us."

"Yeah, right. Newlyweds," Simone said dryly. "You talked to Mama? Maybe I should come home and check up on her?"

"No, Simone. I mean it. Stay away from her. Leave Diane to Diane. Neither of us need her crazy right now. Just focus on you and Keith. On your happiness for once. Girl, I swear you are always worrying over someone else instead of yourself. Relax. I saw Castle Rock on the internet. It's beautiful."

"Kim, you don't understand," Simone said.

"I do, sweetie, but I got stuff on the stove and things cooking, the boys and things. I really have to go now."

"Okay, I get it. Can I just talk to Denny and Danny first?" Simone asked.

"Can you call back later? They finally settled in front of the TV and you know how that is. I'll have them call you in an hour or so, okay?"

"I love you."

"Love you too. Bye." Kim slammed the phone down on the counter, gripping her side. The meat was burning on the stove. Her stomach cramped and her brow felt damp and feverish. A deep wave of nausea rolled up from her stomach into her throat. It burned to swallow. Closing her eyes, she forced the room to stop spinning.

"Mama! Mama!" Denny said patting her leg. "Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Maaammmaaaaa!"

"Denny, please, give me a second. Leave the kitchen. Now!"

He burst into tears, running from the kitchen. She winced at the sounds of his cries. She had failed him, she wanted to make it up to him, but she couldn't move. She waited. Waited. The sauce boiled over, the meat continued frying, burning in the skillet. Denny returned crying, saying her name. This time he was holding his brother's hand. With the both of them crying harder and louder, all she could do was drop her head and wait. Then it pa.s.sed. She sucked in a deep breath, filling her lungs with air again. Tears slipped from the corners of her eyes as her body stabilized, the room normalized and she felt okay again. When she opened them and wiped the tears, she found her boys looking at her, extremely upset. "Okay, juice. Mama got it. Calm down, sweeties. I didn't mean to yell. Please stop crying. Come here." She knelt and they ran over to her. She kissed one face then the other. She kissed and hugged them both until they were less agitated.

She turned down the burners. All the while she prayed that she could give them a nap soon. She prayed for a quiet evening.

Then it hit her. She invited Mathew over for dinner.

"Oh, no."

She didn't even have his home number to cancel. Why did she do that? Why did she invite him over? Slamming the fridge, she went back to the counter to pour the juice in their cups with one on each leg. She'd have to find a way to make it through dinner in front of a doctor. Things couldn't get any worse.

Table set, the doorbell sounded off. Kim checked the time on her wrist.w.a.tch. Dr. Mathew Donnelly was punctual. She'd give him that. The twins yelped at once. Little feet pedaling, she looked up to witness the flight of two toddlers as they raced out of the hall toward the door. Her boys loved company. From the UPS man to the next-door neighbor, they were the first to welcome a visitor. She didn't quite understand why until Anne told her how they cried for her and went to the door repeatedly before bedtime looking for her. They expected all good things to arrive from behind that door.

"Alright, I have it," she said to them both. They fought each other for the door handle. She wore a pink short-sleeved s.h.i.+rt and jeans. They were ready for company. Denny wore a red striped s.h.i.+rt and khaki shorts, Danny in a blue striped s.h.i.+rt and matching shorts like his brother. She wondered again about the training underwear that Anne kept insisting they wear. She decided on pull-ups to avoid any accidents.

"Back up. Let Mama see." Kim checked the peephole. She found Mathew standing on her step. Smiling, she undid the locks and pulled the door open. She and her sons stared up at him. Mathew Donnelly filled the inside of the doorway, all six-feet and four inches of him. Wildly s.e.xy out of a lab coat and scrubs, he wore a pair of faded blue jeans and a dark blue collared s.h.i.+rt that pressed and stretched against his muscular frame. And he shaved too. His rugged appeal, prince charming smile, and casual appearance caught her completely off guard. He was a man. When did she miss the fact that he was a man?

Kim couldn't find her voice.

"Hi," Denny said.

"Hi," Danny said.

Kim blinked out of it when he smiled down at them both. "What's going on, boys?"

Her eyes dropped to his hands. He carried a bottle of wine in one hand and a jug of Hawaiian Punch in another. "I used to like it as a boy," he said, referencing the juice. "The wine, I like as a man."

"Oh, um, come in," she said, accepting both. The boys shyly backed away but remained watchful of him, both holding on to her legs. "Hi Denny, Danny," he said, getting it right on the first try.

"Lucky guess," she said while trying to shake her sons off her legs so she could walk.

"Nope, Denny's hair is different, poofier," Mathew smiled.

He was right. Her boys' bushy afros left a distinctive mark. Though the more she looked at their untamed hair, the more she just saw the need for a comb. "Excuse me, while I put this up. You can have a seat, in the living room. There."

He nodded. The boys kept a distance, watching him, following him. He walked in to find their toys about and their DVD movie on rotation. Kim finally turned away with the wine and juice in hand and went toward the kitchen. She felt nervous and strangely excited over adult conversation, company. She suffered a pang of guilt for having another man in her husband's house. She swallowed that guilt and reasoned that they were just being social, nothing more. Still she couldn't quite let go of the scent of him or the ways his eyes seemed softer and dreamier when he smiled. In truth, she was just happy that the nausea had settled. She eyed the bottle of wine. It would make a good subst.i.tute if the night got to be too much. "This should do fine."

Danny started screaming. She nearly dropped the bottle. Running out of the kitchen, she saw her son crying, pus.h.i.+ng at his brother, wanting to be the one to sit next to their houseguest. "Danny, come here now."

Mathew reached for him and sat him on his lap instead. Danny hiccupped, but his tears lessened then stopped. "We got it. They'll be okay," he said. Kim frowned. She didn't mean to, but no man in their lives ever held them. Dennis died too soon, Keith didn't care to, and she didn't have her father in her life anymore or any male friends. Ashamed at the anger and resentment she felt for Mathew having the privilege, she turned away. It hurt even more that Dennis couldn't be there to do so. Inside the kitchen, she forced herself to release her grief. She went to the drawer and pulled it open, removing the corkscrew opener. She uncorked the wine and poured it into a cup.

"Need any help?" Mathew asked.

"No! Dinner is almost ready," she sighed. Closing her eyes, she felt the pain ebb away as the wine filled her. It was enough.

Mathew enjoyed dinner. After a hearty helping, he found it hard to take another bite. Still he stuffed his face. The food was that good. He really enjoyed their company. Mathew observed Nurse Jensen in full mother mode. She was soft spoken, humble and attentive to her children, a good listener. How many times had he watched her from afar, just wanting to speak? How many times had she crossed his mind when he sat alone on his boat? She talked about work mostly. That included Murphy, Mr. Dagwood and the challenges of the nurses on their wing. She gave him some inside gossip on a few, but never too much. When he asked about Patel, she immediately withdrew and dropped the topic of work altogether.

She sipped her wine a lot, refilling the gla.s.s, always with a nervous chuckle that the wine tasted good. That's when his radar went up. Not the drinking. But her mannerisms gave him that feeling again. He couldn't shake that there was something more to her that he was missing. Call it intuition. It typically kicked in when he was diagnosing a patient. Tonight, he would ignore it and go with the flow.