Misalliance Part 8

MRS TARLETON. Look, look, Hypatia. There are two people in it.

BENTLEY. Theyve cleared it. Well steered!

TARLETON. Yes; but theyre coming slam into the greenhouse.

LORD SUMMERHAYS Look out for the gla.s.s.

MRS TARLETON. Theyll break all the gla.s.s. Theyll spoil all the grapes.

BENTLEY. Mind where youre coming. He'll save it. No: theyre down.

_An appalling crash of breaking gla.s.s is heard. Everybody shrieks._

MRS TARLETON. Oh, are they killed? John: are they killed?

LORD SUMMERHAYS Are you hurt? Is anything broken? Can you stand?

HYPATIA. Oh, you must be hurt. Are you sure? Shall I get you some water? Or some wine?

TARLETON. Are you all right? Sure you wont have some brandy just to take off the shock.

THE AVIATOR. No, thank you. Quite right. Not a scratch. I a.s.sure you I'm all right.

BENTLEY. What luck! And what a smas.h.!.+ You are a lucky chap, I can tell you.

_The Aviator and Tarleton come in through the pavilion, followed by Lord Summerhays and Bentley, the Aviator on Tarleton's right. Bentley pa.s.ses the Aviator and turns to have an admiring look at him. Lord Summerhays overtakes Tarleton less pointedly on the opposite side with the same object._

THE AVIATOR. I'm really very sorry. I'm afraid Ive knocked your vinery into a c.o.c.ked hat. (_Effusively_) You dont mind, do you?

TARLETON. Not a bit. Come in and have some tea. Stay to dinner.

Stay over the week-end. All my life Ive wanted to fly.

THE AVIATOR. _[taking off his goggles]_ Youre really more than kind.

BENTLEY. Why, its Joey Percival.

PERCIVAL. Hallo, Ben! That you?

TARLETON. What! The man with three fathers!

PERCIVAL. Oh! has Ben been talking about me?

TARLETON. Consider yourself as one of the family--if you will do me the honor. And your friend too. Wheres your friend?

PERCIVAL. Oh, by the way! before he comes in: let me explain. I dont know him.

TARLETON. Eh?

PERCIVAL. Havnt even looked at him. I'm trying to make a club record with a pa.s.senger. The club supplied the pa.s.senger. He just got in; and Ive been too busy handling the aeroplane to look at him. I havnt said a word to him; and I cant answer for him socially; but hes an ideal pa.s.senger for a flyer. He saved me from a smash.

LORD SUMMERHAYS. I saw it. It was extraordinary. When you were thrown out he held on to the top bar with one hand. You came past him in the air, going straight for the gla.s.s. He caught you and turned you off into the flower bed, and then lighted beside you like a bird.

PERCIVAL. How he kept his head I cant imagine. Frankly, _I_ didnt.

_The Pa.s.senger, also begoggled, comes in through the pavilion with Johnny and the two ladies. The Pa.s.senger comes between Percival and Tarleton, Mrs Tarleton between Lord Summerhays and her husband, Hypatia between Percival and Bentley, and Johnny to Bentley's right._

TARLETON. Just discussing your prowess, my dear sir. Magnificent.

Youll stay to dinner. Youll stay the night. Stay over the week. The Chickabiddy will be delighted.

MRS TARLETON. Wont you take off your goggles and have some tea?

_The Pa.s.senger begins to remove the goggles._

TARLETON. Do. Have a wash. Johnny: take the gentleman to your room: I'll look after Mr Percival. They must--

_By this time the pa.s.senger has got the goggles off, and stands revealed as a remarkably good-looking woman._

MRS TARLETON. Well I never!!! BENTLEY. [_in a whisper_] Oh, I say! JOHNNY. By George! _All LORD SUMMERHAYS A lady! to- gether._ HYPATIA. A woman! TARLETON. [_to Percival_] You never told me-- PERCIVAL. I hadnt the least idea--

_An embarra.s.sed pause._

PERCIVAL. I a.s.sure you if I'd had the faintest notion that my pa.s.senger was a lady I shouldnt have left you to s.h.i.+ft for yourself in that selfish way.

LORD SUMMERHAYS. The lady seems to have s.h.i.+fted for both very effectually, sir.

PERCIVAL. Saved my life. I admit it most gratefully.

TARLETON. I must apologize, madam, for having offered you the civilities appropriate to the opposite s.e.x. And yet, why opposite?

We are all human: males and females of the same species. When the dress is the same the distinction vanishes. I'm proud to receive in my house a lady of evident refinement and distinction. Allow me to introduce myself: Tarleton: John Tarleton (_seeing conjecture in the pa.s.senger's eye_)--yes, yes: Tarleton's Underwear. My wife, Mrs Tarleton: youll excuse me for having in what I had taken to be a confidence between man and man alluded to her as the Chickabiddy. My daughter Hypatia, who has always wanted some adventure to drop out of the sky, and is now, I hope, satisfied at last. Lord Summerhays: a man known wherever the British flag waves. His son Bentley, engaged to Hypatia. Mr Joseph Percival, the promising son of three highly intellectual fathers.

HYPATIA. _[startled]_ Bentley's friend? _[Bentley nods]._

TARLETON. _[continuing, to the pa.s.senger]_ May I now ask to be allowed the pleasure of knowing your name?

THE Pa.s.sENGER. My name is Lina Szczepanowska _[p.r.o.nouncing it Sh-Chepanovska]._

PERCIVAL. Sh-- I beg your pardon?

LINA. Szczepanowska.

PERCIVAL. _[dubiously]_ Thank you.

TARLETON. _[very politely]_ Would you mind saying it again?

LINA. Say fish.

TARLETON. Fish.

LINA. Say church.

TARLETON. Church.

LINA. Say fish church.