Myth-Nomers And Im-Pervections Part 2

Kalvin shook his head sadly.

"That's mostly sales hype," he admitted regretfully.

"Oh, some of the big boys can move mountains . . . literally.

But those are top-of-the-line Djins and usually cost more than it would take to do the same things non-magikally.

Small fry like me come cheaper, but we can't do whole bunches, either."

"I'm sorry, Kalvin. None of this makes any sense. If Djins actually have less power than, say, your average magi- cian for hire, why would anybody buy them at all?"

The Djin gestured grandly.

' 'The mystique . . . the status ... do you know anything at all about Djinger?"

"Ginger? As in ginger beer?"

"No, Djin-ger . . . with a 'D' . . . As in the dimension where Djins and Djeanees come from."

"I guess not."

"Well, once upon a time, as the story goes, Djinger had a sudden disastrous drop in its money supply."

This sounded a little familiar.

"An economic collapse? Like on Deva?"

The Djin shook his head.

"Embezzlement," he said. "The entire Controller's of- fice for the dimension disappeared, and when we finally found someone who could do an audit, it turned out most of the treasury was gone too.

18 I "There was a great hue and cry, and several attempts to track the culprits, but the immediate problem was what to '

do for money. Manufacturing more wouldn't work, since it would simply devalue what we did have. What we really needed was a quick influx of funds from outside the dimen- *

sion. '

"That's when some marketing genius. .h.i.t on the 'Djin In A Bottle' concept. Nearly everyone in the dimension who had the least skill or potential for magik was recruited for service. There was resistance, of course, but the promoters insisted it called for temporary contracts only, so the plan went into effect. In fact, the limited contract thing became a mainstay of the sales pitch . . . the mystique I was men- tioning. That's why most Djins have conditions attached ...

three wishes only or whatever, though some are more ethical than others about how the wishes are fulfilled."

A thought suddenly occurred to me.

"Um, Kalvin? How many wishes do I get from you?

Like I said, the Deveel was a bit sh.e.l.l-shocked and never said anything about limitations."

"... On wishes or powers, eh?" the Djin winked. "Not surprising. Sh.e.l.l-shocked or not, Deveels still know how to sell. In their own way they're truly amazing."

"How many?"

"What? Oh. I'm afraid my contract only calls for one wish, Skeeve. But don't worry, I'll play it clean. No tricks, no word traps. If you're only going to get one for your money, it's only fair that it's legit."

"I see," I said. "So what can you do?"

"Not much, actually. What I'm best at is bad jokes."

"Bad jokes?"

"You know, like 'How do you make a djin fizz?"

"I don't think ..."

"Drop him in acid. How do you ..."

19.

"I get the picture. That's it? You tell bad jokes?"

"Well, I give pretty good advice."

"That's good. I think I'm going to need some."

"I'll say. Well, the first piece of advice I've got for you is to forget about this and head for home before it's too late.''

For a moment the thought was almost tempting, but I shook it off.

"Not a chance," I said firmly. "Let's go back to my original request. Can you advise me on how to find Aahz?''

"I might have a few ideas on the subject," the Djin admitted.

"Good."

"Have you tried a phone book?"

By now suspicion had grown into full-blown certainty.

My hidden ace had turned out to be a deuce ... no, a joker. If I was counting on Kalvin for the difference between success and failure, I was in a lot of trouble.

Until now I had taken finding Aahz for granted, and had only been worrying about what to say once we were face-to- face. Now, looking at the streets and skysc.r.a.pers of Perv, I was painfully aware that just finding Aahz was going to be harder than I thought . . . a lot harder!

Chapter Three:.

'It's not even a nice place to visit!"

-FODOR'S Guide To Perv EVEN AFTER GETTING used to the madness that was the Bazaar at Deva, the streets of Perv were something to behold.

For one thing, the Bazaar was primarily geared for pedestrian I traffic, the Merchants' Guild being strong enough to push through ordinances that favor modes and speed of travel that almost forced people to look at every shop and display !

they pa.s.sed. My home dimension of Klah was a pretty backward place, and I had rarely seen a vehicle more ad- vanced or faster than an oxcart.

Perv, on the other hand, had thoroughfares split between foot and vehicle traffic, and, for an unsophisticated guy like me, the vehicle traffic in particular was staggering. Literally hundreds of contraptions of as many descriptions jostled and snarled at each other at every intersection as they clawed for a better position in the seemingly senseless tangle of streets through which the torrent surged. Almost as incred- ible as the variety of vehicles was the collection of beasts which provided the locomotive power, pus.h.i.+ng or pulling 22 their respective burdens while adding their voices to the cacophony which threatened to drown out all other sounds or conversation. Of course, they also added their contribu- tion to the filth in the streets and smells in the air. It might be the metropolitan home of millions of beings, but Perv had the charm and aroma of a swamp.

What concerned me most at the moment, however, was the traffic. Walking down the street on Perv was a little like trying to swim upstream through a logjam. I was constantly having to dodge and slide around citizens who seemed intent on walking through the s.p.a.ce I was already occupying. Not that they seemed to be trying to hit me deliberately, mind you. It's just that n.o.body except me seemed to be looking where they were going. In fact, just making eye contact was apparently a rare occurence.

"This friend of yours must really be something for you to put up with this," Kalvin commented drily.

He was hovering in the vicinity of my shoulder, so I had no difficulty hearing him over the din. I had worried about how it would look having a Djin tagging along with me, but it seems that while they're under control Djins can only be seen and heard by their owner. It occurred to me that this was fairly magikal and therefore in direct contrast to the line Kalvin was selling me about how powerless he was.

He in turn a.s.sured me that it was really nothing, simply part of a Djin's working tools that would be no help to me at all. I wasn't a.s.sured. Somehow I had the feeling he wasn't telling me everything about his abilities or lack thereof, but having no way to force additional information out of him, I magnanimously decided to let it ride.

"He's more than a friend," I said, not realizing I was slipping into the explanation I had decided earlier not to give. "He was my teacher, and then my business partner 23.

as well. I probably owe him more than any other person in my life."

"... But not enough to respect his wishes," the Djin supplied carelessly.

That brought me to a dead stop, ignoring the crush and jostling of the other pedestrians.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's true, isn't it? This guy Aahz obviously wants to be left alone or he wouldn't have walked out on you, but you're determined to drag him back. To me that doesn't sound like you really care much about what's important to him."

That hit uncomfortably close to home. As near as I could tell Aahz had left because I had been rather inconsiderate in my dealings with him. Still, I wasn't going to turn back now. At the very least I wanted a face-to-face talk before I let him disappear from my life.

"He was a bit upset and throwing a snit-fit at the time,"

I muttered, avoiding the question of my motives completely.

"I just want him to know that he's welcome if he wants to come back."

With that I resumed my progress down the street. Half a dozen steps later, however, I realized the Djin was laughing ruefully.

"Now what?"

"Skeeve, you're really something, you know?" Kalvin said, shaking his head. "Perverts . . . excuse me, Pervects . . . are feared throughout the dimension for their terrible, violent tempers. But you, you not only describe it as a snit-fit, you're willing to show up on Perv itself just to make a point. You're either very good or an endangered species.''

It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't making as much use of my Djin as I might. I mean, he had said that one of 24 the things he was good at was advice, hadn't he?

"I don't know, Kalvin. I've never had much trouble with them. In fact, one of the things Aahz told me was that Pervects manufacture and spread a lot of the bad rumors about themselves just to discourage visitors."

"Oh, yeah?"

The Djin seemed unconvinced.

"Well, let's see then. Could you share some of the things you've heard about this dimension with me?"

Kalvin shrugged.

' 'If you want. I remember hearing about how one of your buddy's fellow citizens ripped off some guy's head and spit down his throat . . . literally!"

I ducked around a heavyset couple who were bearing down on me.

"Uh-huh. I heard the same rumor, but the one doing the ripping was a Troll, not a Pervect. n.o.body actually saw that one, either. Besides, right now I'm more interested in information about the dimension than hearing tales of indi- vidual exploits."

I thought I lost Kalvin for a moment when I flattened against a wall to avoid a particularly muscular individual and the Djin didn't make the move with me, but when I stepped out again he was back in his now-accustomed place.

"Well, why didn't you say so, if that's what you wanted to hear?'' he said as if there had been no interruption.'' About Perv itself. Let me think. There's not that much information floating around, but what there is ... Ah! Got it!"

He plucked a thick book out of thin air and started leafing through it. I was so eager to hear what he had to say that I didn't comment on that little stunt at the moment, but I also vowed anew to inquire further into Kalvin's "meager powers" when the opportunity presented itself.

"Let's see . . . Parts . . . P'boscus . . . Perv! You want 25.

the statistics or should I skip to the good part?''

"Just give me the meat for now."

"Okay. It says here, and I quote, 'Perv: One of the few dimensions where magik and technology have advanced equally through the ages. This blend has produced a culture and lifestyle virtually unique in the known dimensions. Per- verts are noted for their arrogance, since they strongly be- lieve that their dimension possesses the best of everything, and they are extremely vocal in that belief wherever they go. This is despite ample proof that other dimensions which have specialized in magik or technology exclusively have clearly surpa.s.sed Perv in both fields. Unfortunately, Per- vects are also disproportionately strong and are notorious for their bad tempers and ferocity, so few care to argue the point with them.' End quote."

Coming from Klah, a dimension which excelled at neither magik nor technology, I found the writeup to be pretty impressive. Kalvin, on the other hand, seemed to find end- less amus.e.m.e.nt in it.

"... 'Despite ample proof . . . ' I love it!" he chortled.

"Wait'11 the next time I see that blowhard."

For some reason, I found this vaguely annoying.

"Say, Kalvin," I said, "what does your book say about Djinger?''

"What book?"

"The one you ..."

I took my eyes off the foot traffic and glanced at him.

He was dusting his hands innocently. The book was nowhere in sight.

I was opening my mouth to call him on his little disappear- ing act when something piled into me and sent me careening into a wall hard enough to make me see stars.

"Where do you think you're goin'. Runt?"

This last came from the pudgy individual I had just col- 26 lided with. He had stopped to confront me and stood with his fists clenched, leaning slightly forward as if being held back by invisible companions. Fat or not, he looked tough enough to walk through walls.