You Had Me At Hello Part 4

'Give me five minutes and I'll show you why The Castle has earned the accolade of "pub nearest court".'

Zoe nods and sits down to transcribe her copy, longhand. I glance over while I'm typing. I knew it her shorthand's so perfectly formed you could photocopy it for textbook examples.

Gretton saunters in, squinting from me to Zoe and back again.

'What's this, Bring Your Daughter To Work Day?'

Zoe looks up, startled.

'Welcome to the family,' I say to Zoe. 'Think of Gretton as the uncle who'd make you play horsey.'

6.

I apologise to Zoe for not drinking alcohol when we get to the pub. I feel like I'm letting the profession down in moments like these. At every paper you always hear tales of great mythical beasts of olden times who could drink enough to sink battles.h.i.+ps and still hit deadline, get up at first light the next day and do it all again. They're legend, usually because they died in their fifties.

'It's soporific in court at the best of times, what with the heating and the droning on. If I hit the bottle I'd probably end up snoring,' I say.

'Oh, it's OK, I'm a lightweight anyway,' Zoe says. 'I'll have a Diet c.o.ke as well.'

We scan the laminated menus on the bar, hearts sinking. The Castle's menus have clearly been written by marketing managers who think they are conversant in the foreign language of 'funny'. We try merely pointing at our selected lunch items to save our dignity. No dice with the morose barman.

'I've got astigmatism,' he says, as if I should know this.

'Oh,' I reply, fl.u.s.tered, trying for the last route out. 'Then we'll both have the Ploughman's.'

'Naked, Piggy or Extra Pickly?'

Dammit. 'Piggy,' I mumble, defeated. 'Naked for her.'

'You want that as a melt?' he sighs, in a way that suggests most of the world's problems are down to people like us wanting melts. We decide we do, but both pa.s.s on a squirt of the chef's special sauce, given we're not on nodding terms with him.

We make small talk, battling the octave range of Mariah Carey and multiple televisions, while two microwave-warm plates are banged down under our noses. As soon as Zoe finishes her meal, she says 'Here's what I wrote', brus.h.i.+ng crumbs off her hands and producing a spiral-bound notepad from her bag, flipping to the right page. 'I wrote it out longhand.'

I feel a twinge of irritation at being expected to mentor while I'm still eating, but swallow it, along with a mouthful of rubbery cheese. I scan her story, braced for, if not car crash copy, a fender bender at the very least. But it's good. In fact, it's very fluid and confident for a first time.

'This is good,' I nod, and Zoe beams. 'You've got the right angle, that the father and the uncle don't deny that they went to see the boyfriend.'

'What if something better comes up this afternoon? Do you stick with your first instinct?'

'Possible but unlikely. The wheels turn pretty slowly. We probably won't get on to the boyfriend's evidence this afternoon.'

I hand Zoe's notepad back to her.

'So how long have you been here?' she asks.

'Too long. I went to uni here and did my training in Sheffield, then came to the Evening News as a trainee.'

'Do you like court?'

'I do, actually, yeah. I was always better at writing the stories than finding them, so this suits me. And the cases are usually interesting.' I pause, worried I sound like the kind of ghoul who goes to inspect the notes on roadside flowers. 'Obviously it's nasty sometimes.'

'What's it like here?' Zoe asks. 'The news editor seems a bit scary.'

'Oh yeah.' With the flat of my knife, I push away a heap of gluey coleslaw that must've been on the plate when they heated it. 'Managing Ken is like wrestling a crocodile. We all have the bite marks to show for it. Has he asked you the octuplets question yet?'

Zoe shakes her head.

'A woman's had octuplets, ninetuplets, whatever. You get the first hospital bedside interview, while she's still whacked up on drugs. What's the one question you don't leave without asking?'

'Er ... did it hurt?'

'Are you going to have any more? She'll probably try to throw the bowl of grapes at you but that's his point. You're a journalist, always think like one. Look for the line.'

'Right,' Zoe's brow furrows, 'I'll remember that.'

I feel that hopeless twinge of wanting to save someone the million c.o.c.k-ups you made when you were new, and knowing they will make their own originals, and trying to save them anyway.

'Be confident, don't bulls.h.i.+t and if you do mess up and it's going to come out, own up. Ken might still bawl at you but he'll trust you next time when you say it's not your fault. Lying's his bete noire.'

'Right.'

'Don't worry,' I a.s.sure her. 'It can be a bit overwhelming at first, then sooner or later, you start to recognise all human experience boils down to half a dozen various types of story, and you know exactly how desk will want them written. Which of course is when you've achieved the necessary cynicism, and should move on.'

'Why did you want to be a journalist?' Zoe asks.

'Hah! Lois Lane.'

'Seriously?'

'Oh yes. The brunette's brunette. b.a.l.l.sy, stood up to her boss, had her own rooftop apartment and that floaty blue negligee. And she went out with Superman. My mum used to put the Christopher Reeve films on if I was off sick from school and I'd watch them on a loop. "You've got me, who's got you?" Brilliant.'

'Isn't it weird how we make big decisions in life based on the strangest, most random things?' Zoe says, sucking the straw in her c.o.ke until it gurgles. 'Like, maybe if your mum had put Batman on we wouldn't be sat here right now.'

'Hmm,' I murmur indistinctly, and change the subject.

7.

I see Mindy a mile off in her purple coat and red shoes. She looks like a burst of Bollywood suns.h.i.+ne compared to my kitchen-sink-drama drab black and white.

She calls it her Indian magpie tendencies she can't resist jewel colours and s.h.i.+ny things. The s.h.i.+niest thing about her is always her hair. For as long as I've known Mindy, she's used this 99p coconut shampoo that leaves her with a corona of light around her liquorice-black bob. I used it once and ended up with an NHS acrylic weave, made of hay.

She spots me and swings a key on a ribbon, like a hypnotist with a fob watch. 'At last!'

Mindy isn't kidding about it being central. Five minutes later we're there, stood in front of a red-brick Victorian building which has changed from a temple of hard toil to a place of elegant lounging for the moneyed.

'Fourth floor,' Mindy says, gazing up. 'Hopefully there's a lift.'

There is, but it's out of order, so we huff up several flights of stairs, heels pounding in time.

'No parking,' Mindy reminds me. 'Is Rhys keeping the car?'

'Oh yes. Given the way negotiations have gone so far, I'm glad we don't have any pets or children.'

My mind flashes back to hours of my life I'd pay good money to have erased. We sat and worked out how to pick apart two totally meshed lives, me effectively saying 'Have it, have it all!' and Rhys snapping 'Does it mean so little to you?'

Mindy slots the key in the lock of the anonymous looking Flat 21 and pushes the door open.

's.h.i.+t the sheets,' she breathes, reverentially. 'She said it was nice but I didn't know she meant this nice.'

We walk into the middle of a cavernous room with exposed brickwork walls. A desert of blonde wood flooring stretches out before us. Pools of honeyed light are cast here and there from some vertical paper lamps that look like alien pupae, or as if a member of Spinal Tap might tear their way out of them. The L-shaped sofa in the sitting area is an acre of snowy tundra, scattered with cus.h.i.+ons in shades of ivory and beigey-bone. I mentally put a line through any meals involving soy sauce, red wine or flaky chocolate. That's most Friday nights as I know them b.u.g.g.e.red.

Mindy and I wander around, going 'woooh' and pointing like zombies when we discover the wet room with gla.s.s sink, or the queen-sized bed with silvery silk coverlet, or the ice-cream-pink Smeg fridge. It's like a home that a character in a post-watershed drama might inhabit. The sort of series where everyone is improbably good-looking and has insubstantial-sounding and yet lucrative jobs that leave plenty of time for leisurely brunching and furious rumping.

'Not sure about that,' I say, indicating the rug in front of the couch. It appears to be the skin of something that should be looking majestic in the Serengeti, not lying p.r.o.ne under a Heal's coffee table. The coa.r.s.e, hairy liver-coloured patches actually make me feel unwell. 'It's got a tail and everything. Brrrr.'

'I'll see if you can put that away,' Mindy nods.

'Tell her I'm allergic to ... bison?' It's fake, I tell myself. Surely.

Standing in the middle of the living room, we do a few more open-mouthed 360-degree revolutions and I know Mindy's planning a party already. In case we were in any doubt about the flat's primary purpose, the word 'PARTY' has been spelt out in big burnished gold letters fixed to the wall. There's also a Warholian Pop Art style print an Indian girl with fearsome facial geometry gazes down imperiously in four colourways.

'Is that her?'

Mindy joins me. 'Oh yeah. Rupa does have an ego the size of the Arndale. See that nose?'

'The one in the middle of her face?'

'Uh-huh. Sweet sixteen present. Before ...'

Mindy puts a finger on the bridge of her nose and makes a loop in the air, coming back to rest on her top lip.

'Really?' I feel a little guilty, discussing a woman's augmentations in her own flat.

'Yeah. Her dad's, like, one of the top plastic surgeons in the country so she got a discount. So, what do you think to the flat, then?' she says, somewhat redundantly.

'I think it's like that advert where they pa.s.sed the vodka bottle across ordinary life and everything was more exciting looking through it.'

'I remember that ad,' Mindy says. 'It made you think about people you'd slept with when you had beer goggles on though. Shall I tell her you'll take it? Move in Sat.u.r.day?'

'What am I going to do with my things?' I chew my lip, looking around. I was going to spoil the view by sitting down as it was.

'Do you have a lot?' Mindy asks.

'Clothes and books. And ... kitchen stuff.'

'And furniture?'

'Yes. A three-bed houseful.'

'Do you really love it?'

I think about this. I quite like some of it. I have chosen it, after all. But in the event of a house fire, I couldn't imagine protectively flinging myself on the occasional table nest or the tatty red Ikea couch as the flames licked higher.

'Why I ask is, you could make a deal with Rhys to leave it. You said he's keeping the house on? It's going to be expensive for him to go and re-buy some of the bigger items, and a ha.s.sle. You could get money for them and then get things that suit wherever you end up buying. Or you could sell everything you own and buy one amazing piece, like an Eames lounger or a Conran egg chair!'

The Mindy paradox: sense and nonsense sharing a twin room or even a bed, like Morecambe and not-so-Wise.

'I suppose I could. It all depends how badly Rhys wants me out, versus how badly he wants to make life difficult for me. Too close to call.'

'I can talk to him if you want.'

'Thanks, but ... I'll give it a go first.'

We walk over to the window and the city rooftop panorama spreads out before us, lights winking on as dusk falls.

'It's so glamorous,' Mindy sighs.

'Too glamorous for me, maybe.'

'Don't do that Rachel thing of talking yourself out of something that could be good.'

'Do I do that?'

'A bit.' Mindy puts an arm around me. 'You need a change of scene.'

I put a reciprocal arm around her. 'Thank you. What a scene.'

We study it in silence for a moment.

I point.

'Hang on, is that ...?'