The Borowitz Report Part 14

The Defense Secretary was first spotted making his way down Pennsylvania Avenue, witnesses said, and was said to be performing "some kind of a crazy jig."

"He was shouting 'The world is mine!' and just cackling his head off," said Jonah Braymer, a high school teacher from Duluth who was taking his history students on a tour of the nation's capital. "The kids were all pretty scared."

In an appearance Sunday on NBC's Meet the Press, Mr. Rumsfeld told host Tim Russert that he did in fact run down Pennsylvania Avenue carrying a globe, but denied that he was in any way "cackling."

"Cackling? Cackling? Goodness gracious be, all you have to do is laugh a little these days and every Gloomy Gus, Nervous Nelly and Henny Penny will say you're cackling like a maniac," Mr. Rumsfeld said, cackling.

Elsewhere, in what is being described as "a major step forward on Iraq's road to democracy," a team led by White House advisor Karl Rove arrived in Baghdad today to teach the Iraqi people how to make negative campaign ads.

Mr. Rove acknowledged that, since Saddam Hussein ran for President unopposed for twenty-four years, the Iraqis have no experience with the kind of below-the-belt attack ads that have been the hallmark of American democracy.

But Mr. Rove said that if negative campaign ads take hold in Iraq, the politics of personal destruction and character a.s.sa.s.sination could eventually blossom across the Middle East.

A cackling Donald Rumsfeld (above) minutes before he went on his terrifying spree.

U.S. MAY LAUNCH AIR STRIKES FROM J. LO'S a.s.s.

Move Would Reduce Turkey's Role, Pentagon Says.

The U.S. military is seriously considering launching air strikes against Iraq from Jennifer Lopez's a.s.s, sources close to both the Pentagon and the singer-actress revealed today.

The plan to use Ms. Lopez's a.s.s as a staging area for air sorties against Baghdad came as a surprise to many in the international community, since the U.S. had been engaged in protracted negotiations to base troops and weaponry in neighboring Turkey.

But sources close to the discussions regarding Ms. Lopez's a.s.s said that launching air strikes from the platinum recording artist's backside afforded the U.S. greater flexibility than the Turkish scenario.

"Right now, we're looking at a situation where we need to pay thirty billion dollars to get Turkey to let us use its bases," one Pentagon source said today. "Everything would be so much simpler if we just used J. Lo's a.s.s."

In Hollywood, where antiwar sentiments dominate, some observers were surprised that the popular singer-actress would lend her a.s.s to any possible military strike against Iraq.

Additionally, her controversial decision fueled speculation about a possible rift between Ms. Lopez and fiance Ben Affleck, who had earlier opposed the use of his a.s.s for military purposes.

Jennifer Lopez's a.s.s (pictured) could be a much more reliable staging area for an air attack than Turkey, a Defense Department spokesman said.

But according to Hollywood talent agent Buddy Schlantz, Ms. Lopez has made a shrewd career move by allowing her a.s.s to join President Bush's "coalition of the willing."

"If the United States succeeds in ousting Saddam Hussein, this move is going to take J. Lo's a.s.s to a whole new level," Mr. Schlantz said.

Also from the investigative force behind The Borowitz Report:.

For anyone who has watched their 401(k) become a 201(k), revenge is just one book away.

"Fast becoming Wall Street's version of humorist Dave Barry."

-Newsweek.

"A strong candidate for our book of the year award."

-The Guardian (UK).

The book for history buffs... about the buffest man in history, with vivid photos and completely fict.i.tious captions!

"Never before has a politician been seen with so few clothes and so many muscles."

-USA Today.

"Hot book pick."

-US Weekly.

SIMON & SCHUSTER For more information, please visit www.simonsays.com.

A VIACOM COMPANY.

About the Author.

Andy Borowitz is a writer, comedian and actor whose humor appears in the New Yorker, the New York Times, and at Newsweek.com. He is the author of Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison and Governor Arnold: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. He is an essayist on National Public Radio's Weekend Edition Sunday, a regular on CNN's American Morning and the creator of the award-winning humor site www.borowitzreport.com. He is the first recipient of the National Press Club's Angele Gingras Humor Award.

ALSO BY ANDY BOROWITZ.

Governor Arnold.

Who Moved My Soap?

The Trillionaire Next Door.

Rationalizations to Live By.

(with Henry Beard and John Boswell).