The Internet Is A Playground Part 7

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Permission Slip Re: Permission Slip

h.e.l.lo David

The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11:02 a.m. Thursday 11 March 2010 11:02 a.m.

To: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

Thank you for the kind offer. Being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun-filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

I was actually in a Bible-based play once and played the role of "Annoyed about having to do this." My scene involved offering a pot plant (since n.o.body knew what myrrh was) to a plastic baby Jesus, then standing between "I forgot my costume, so am wearing the teacher's poncho" and "I don't feel very well." Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhea, causing "I don't feel very well" to vomit onto the back of Mary's head; and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticized for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We saw her again only briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.

Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect, and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your G.o.d's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud G.o.d, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.

Regards, David From: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2:52 p.m. Thursday 11 March 2010 2:52 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

h.e.l.lo David

It would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, but if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the other box.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5:09 p.m. Thursday 11 March 2010 5:09 p.m.

To: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I, too, knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it, and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical a.s.sumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the Son of G.o.d. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to the hospital to have his appendix removed, and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burned a witch in his name, but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo and was at home playing PlayStation.

I realize PlayStation was not around in those days, but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said, "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick? If not, then and only then should we all a.s.sume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the Son of G.o.d."

If we accept, though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a PlayStation. Probably a PlayStation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. G.o.d would have probably said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this, but seeing as you have been good ... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto."

Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be OK because of the fact that he can die only if he gets his head chopped off?

Regards, David

From: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10:13 a.m. Friday 12 March 2010 10:13 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2:23 p.m. Friday 12 March 2010 2:23 p.m.

To: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

You raise a valid point, and I appreciate your pointing out my failings as a parent. Practicing a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practicing a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.

Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr. Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian, because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learned a lot from Mr. Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.

Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what h.e.l.l is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again. When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretense of free chips, we were a.s.saulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colorful coat and a lot of looking upward. Because of the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colorful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage, spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved, and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.

Regards, David

From: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2:47 p.m. Friday 12 March 2010 2:47 p.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

h.e.l.lo David

I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne David Thorne Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3:36 p.m. Friday 12 March 2010 3:36 p.m.

To: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will a.s.sume then that you will also be organizing a cla.s.s excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescence, galaxy and planetary formation, and eventually life?

Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behavior of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together; tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of t.i.tan, sixteen sister moons, the multibillion-fold moonlets of Saturn's rings, Saturn's gravitational field, companion planets, the variability of Sol, stars, galaxies, neighboring galaxies ... or possibly not. According to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.

Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds because of the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysical propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the t.i.tle Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing "Facts that cease to exist when they are ignored" tray.

Regards, David

From: Darryl Robinson Darryl Robinson Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9:22 a.m. Monday 15 March 2010 9:22 a.m.

To: David Thorne David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

I'm not going to waste any more time replying to your stupid e-mails.