Pet Peeve Part 36

"But I have no authority!"

Trent smiled. A tiny fly buzzed by before his face. He made a slight gesture, and the fly became a large s.h.i.+ny bug. He caught the bug and set it on Goody's lapel, where it held on firmly. "You do now. The demons have told them to heed a coordinator, as identified by this scarab badge. They will be expecting you."

The Magician had evidently come prepared. It was becoming clear why so many species respected him. "Yes, Magician."

Trent glanced at Hannah. "And since you are a.s.sisting him, you should have a badge too." He looked for another fly, but found none, so he reached down to gesture at a little yellow flower. It became another scarab. He picked it up and set it on her halter.

She was taken aback. "Thank you, Magician."

"Humfrey spoke well of you. On your way."

Metria and Dara gathered them in and transported them to Lake Wails. This was set in an old volcano cone, with steep sides and very deep water. There was room to walk around the rim, but not a lot to spare. "It's a fun milieu," Metria said as they stood by the placid lake.

"A fun what?"

"Tract, environ, abode, spot, address, terrace, habitat, billet, s.p.a.ce, quarter, city, hinterland, locale, street, arena, niche, scene, range, forum, pad, point-"

"Place?" He had been curious how long she could continue with the wrong words, but there seemed to be no limit.

"Whatever," she agreed crossly. "Haven't you heard of it?"

"I didn't get around much for twenty years."

"I did," Hannah said. "This is where the fabulous Wailing Monster runs, leaving little footprints on the surface of the water. The prints of wails."

Goody looked across the water. "I don't see any monster."

"It's shy. We may not see it at all. But we know it's there."

"Bogey at six o'clock."

They looked. A flight of dragons was coming in. Soon they glided to a landing near Goody and Hannah, perching neatly on the rim. Metria and Dara were normally invisible when not active.

Their evident leader was a giant fire breather, big enough to take them both in with one chomp. He folded his wings and moved toward them as if they looked good to eat. Goody and Hannah hastily pointed to their scarab badges. The dragon looked, and nodded regretfully; these morsels were not for eating.

"I am Goody Goblin," Goody said, feeling weak in the knees. Would the dragons really honor the truce between species? "This is Hannah Barbarian. We-"

The dragon shook his huge head. He couldn't understand them.

Then the rim rumpled. A snout poked out. This must be the place This must be the place.

"Vortex!" Goody cried, vastly relieved. "We need translation."

The dragon drew himself out of the ground. "Of course. I came as fast as I could. Just let me check in." He oriented on the giant dragon leader. "This is Firestorm Dragon, leader of the flying dragon contingent. He is of the Rational persuasion, meaning he is smart rather than telepathic. He is indifferent to the fate of other species, but realizes that if the machines overrun Xanth, it will spoil the hunting. He recognizes your badge of authority, so will refrain from toasting you, with regret. I will translate your directives, and he will command the contingent."

"Very good," Goody said, his knees stiffening somewhat. "There are several things he needs to know. First, leave the local denizens alone, such as the Wailing Monster. Second, the harpies are ferrying in food: lunch boxes."

"What?" Vortex translated, fire flickering across the word. "We require quivering live meat and plenty of it."

"Uh-"

"I will check," Dara said, flickering momentarily in and out of view. Then a lunch box appeared in her hands; she had checked rapidly. "Try this. It is tightly packed."

Goody took the box. It had a broken-off stem on the bottom. It had evidently grown on a plant or tree and been harvested. "This is a sample lunch," he said, unlatching the lid and lifting it.

A monster leaped out, a globular cl.u.s.ter ten times the size of the box. It had eyeb.a.l.l.s and tentacles galore, and a fat center. It landed on the rim and scrambled away.

Firestorm jetted a lance of fire from one nostril. It speared the monster and fried it in place. Then he flicked the tip of his tail around to wrap around the morsel and drop it into his mouth. He chomped. He nodded.

"It will do," Vortex said. "Surprisingly tasty."

"We try to do things right," Goody said, relieved. "More will be delivered soon by a flight of harpies." He fixed Firestorm with what he hoped was a steely glare. "Do not toast the harpies not toast the harpies. You need them to deliver the lunch boxes, and they don't taste very good anyway."

"We know," Vortex translated.

Hm. "Set up a defense line circling south of the lake. The terrain should help, but it's not the lake we're defending, but Iron Mountain to the north. Your line should reach around east and north to meet the line the ogres will set up, and to the west and north to where the-" He paused, uncertain who was a.s.signed to that quadrant.

"The naga," Dara murmured invisibly in his ear. She was more responsible than Metria, so was paying attention.

"The naga," Goody continued. "Are you familiar with them?"

"Yes. Good folk," Vortex translated. "Apart from their human contamination."

"This is Xanth proper," Goody said. "We have many crossbreed species, even one or two human/dragon ones. It's not like Dragon World."

"Unfortunately," Vortex translated.

"We expect the robots to arrive tomorrow, but they might surprise us. Remember, these are metal ent.i.ties. They aren't edible and they don't think, at least not the way we do. You will have to crunch them carefully so as not to chip your teeth, and let the refuse pile up. If you allow a gap to open in your line, they may rush through it. Don't let them reach Iron Mountain Don't let them reach Iron Mountain! If they do, they'll make more and larger robots, and be much harder to stop."

"Got it," Vortex said.

"If you need help, ask for it," Goody said. "This is a community effort, with everyone helping everyone against the common enemy. After we defeat the robots, we can all go back to normal activity. But not until we all return to our natural haunts. No predation on other species here."

"Got it," Vertex repeated. "We won't need help, of course, but if by some incredible chance we do, how do we ask?"

"I will be pa.s.sing by frequently. Failing that, send a telepathic dragon to Magician Trent at the mountain."

Firestorm nodded, then flew off to direct his minions, most of whom had landed at the base of the volcanic slope. "Nice job," Hannah said. "You may be cut out to be a leader."

"Never that! I just do what I have to, as competently as I can."

"Exactly."

The demons took them to the Singing Tower. It was set in pretty gardens and seemed to be warming up. "Do ra me so fa so good," it sang with ascending notes.

Hannah smiled. "I don't think it takes us seriously. If there gets to be a real audience, it will surely sing arias."

There were no ogres in sight. That was all right with Goody, as it would give them a chance to rest.

Hannah rubbed her belly in the barbarian way she had. "I'm hungry."

"One moment, please," Dara said. She flickered, and two lunch boxes appeared in her hands. One for each of them.

"What about me, you smoky stench?"

"Oops. Of course, peeve." She flickered again, and produced a third box. She opened it for the bird.

It contained an a.s.sortment of crystallized honey bees and fried meal worms.

The parody opened its beak to say something nasty, but couldn't manage it. Instead it pecked up a bee and gulped it down with avian gusto. This was obviously its favorite meal.

Goody hesitated before opening his. "I'm not sure I want to fry and eat a globular cl.u.s.ter, or a meal worm."

"I can handle it if I have to," Hannah said. She gripped her sword, then opened her box.

Nothing happened. She flipped up the lid. There was a milkweed pod, a beefsteak tomato, and a collection of roasted gra.s.shoppers. "Ideal fare!" She tossed a gra.s.shopper into her mouth, then chewed on the beefsteak. "It's been so long since I've had a real barbarian meal."

Goody hadn't realized that he was crimping her style. He opened his own box. There was a bottle of boot rear and two banana-turnip sandwiches. "My favorite!" he said, biting into one. It was delicious. He hadn't had this since Go-Go died.

Which abruptly sobered him.

"Chew on bad software?" Metria asked.

"On what?"

"Virus, blemish, fungus, maggot, insect-"

"Bug?"

"Whatever. You look as if you just swallowed a rotten tooth."

Oh. "I remembered Go-Go Gobliness."

"Who?" Dara asked.

"My long-time wife. She died."

"That's miserable," she agreed. "Marriage is better."

She was a demoness, but probably serious, since she was one of Humfrey's wives. "But the lunch is very good. I hadn't realized they were so carefully personalized."

"The harpies take good care of their garden."

Soon after they finished their boxed lunches, the tower really did sing an aria. Something was coming.

"Bogey at four o'clock!"

Indeed, the ground was shaking with the heavy tramp of many h.o.r.n.y bare feet. The ogres were arriving.

They went to meet them. Smithereen was leading a troop of about twenty ogres, each almost as brutish and ugly as himself. "Me see Good-ee," he said, spying Goody. "Who she, pee-wee?"

"Hannah Barbarian," Hannah said.

"What a bunch of hairy ugly stupes!"

There could hardly have been a better greeting for ogres. They liked the bird.

Goody explained about forming a line to connect with the dragons on the south and the goblins on the north, but he wasn't sure they were getting it. "Bash all robots," he concluded. "No one else."

Then a flight of harpies appeared, coming in from the west. Each was carrying a huge bag. "Me see har-pee," Smithereen said, lifting a hamfist.

"No, no! Har-pee friend-lee," Goody said. "Bring food."

"Food! Shrewd!"

The harpies dropped the bags, which were becoming heavy after their long flight. They burst open and mounds of lunch boxes tumbled out. The ogres gazed at them in dismay, surely thinking they contained effete human food.

"Look," Goody said. He picked up a box and opened it. It was filled with a.s.sorted bones.

The ogres smiled. Goody did his best not to wince. They swept up the boxes and began crunching bones. When the bones were done, they crunched the boxes too. It seemed that everything was edible, ogre style.

They were done here. The demons carried them back to the main base. "The troops are bivouacked in place," Magician Trent said, pleased.

"Are what, royal jerk?" the parody asked.

Trent smiled. "Camped." He never got a word wrong. "Go settle. We have a big day tomorrow. The robots are proceeding on schedule, as machines seem to do."

Goody went to their lean-to. Gwenny was already there. She greeted Goody with a hug and kiss. "We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so let's make the night memorable."

More so than the prior night? He doubted it was possible. So did the peeve. "Ha haw ho!"

Both of them were mistaken.

Chapter 15: Battle.

They had time for excellent lunch-box breakfasts. Then the robots arrived. They came initially from the northwest, where the elves and werewolves were defending. "Watch that quadrant, Goody," Trent said grimly. "If they can't handle it, notify me immediately."

The demons took Goody and Hannah to the northwest front. This was beyond Mountain Lake, and suddenly the line looked dangerously thin. The robots came like a ma.s.sive carpet, rank on rank, marching in metallic step, every one alike. They remained goblin size, which meant they had not found any other source of iron, but it seemed the whole of the ironwood forest had gone into their legions. Much of the natural forest must have gone into their bellies, too, because their emitted smoke was forming a haze that partly shrouded them.

The werewolves carried elves, and it did seem to be working. They ran up to the robot vanguard and paused, and the elves fired tiny arrows. That seemed laughable, but the arrows went unerringly to crevices in the robots' joints, and caused them to jam, handicapping them. They stalled, and the following robots crashed into them, and the ones after them crashed too, making a considerable jam before they managed to halt their blind advance. The haze of smoke became worse, because it was no longer dissipated by their motion.

"Know something?" Hannah murmured appreciatively. "I think those robots never thought there would be any resistance. a.s.suming that they think at all. They just used up their iron, then organized their march to the new supply they discovered. They're confused by the obstruction."